CHAPTER ELEVEN
NO ONE ELSE around me cared that I’d experienced a supernatural and existential crisis. That was clear when the nearest train attendant grabbed me, keeping me on the floor while calling out for help. He probably thought I was having a psychotic breakdown. That would be the most logical explanation for someone suddenly screaming and tearing open her blouse in the middle of the dining car, and if he’d known my mental health history, he would have really believed that.
Since I didn’t want to experience Europe’s version of a padded cell, I quickly fabricated a story about being allergic to bees and saying I’d thought one had gotten inside my blouse. Not the most ingenious excuse, but luckily, the attendant spoke English, and my story was enough to stop them from continuing to restrain me. I was in the middle of getting up and apologizing to everyone when Adrian stormed into the dining car.
“I heard you scream. What happened?” he demanded.
I held my torn blouse together with one hand and patted him with the other. “Nothing. I thought I saw a bee, and I panicked. You know how allergic I am.”
He pulled me close, his gaze flicking around in a predatory manner. He knew I was lying, so he was coiled and ready to attack.
I couldn’t tell him what had really happened here, so I tugged him toward the back of the dining car. “I’m so embarrassed. Let’s just go back to our cabin now.”
He glanced down—and froze. A hiss escaped him as he stared at the newly blank skin on my right hand. “Ivy—”
“Cabin. Please,” I repeated, tugging him harder.
He grasped my hand and walked out of the dining car. I had to nearly run to keep up with his rapid strides, not that I minded. I wanted to get away from all the stares leveled my way.
We ran into Jasmine and Costa in the hallway of our train car. Costa’s hand was in his jacket pocket, and I saw a very suspicious bulge protruding from the fabric. I realized he’d heard my scream and jumped to the wrong conclusion, too.
“Put that away,” I hissed. All we needed was for someone to glimpse the outline of the gun and assume that he was about to commit a terrorist attack.
“What happened?” Costa said, eyeing me and Adrian.
Our cabin was small, but I waved everyone inside. It was standing room only once we shut the door, yet my decision affected everyone, so they all deserved to hear it.
“I have something to tell you,” I began. “I’ve—”
“What the hell?” Jaz exclaimed, grabbing my right hand. “Ivy! Your tattoo is gone!”
Costa muttered something in Greek as he stared at my hand. Adrian didn’t look away from my eyes, even when I pulled back my torn blouse to reveal that the staff tattoo was now gone, too.
“I know,” I said, forcing the words out despite my throat closing off with a surge of unexpected shame. “I’ve been thinking a lot about things since the attack yesterday, and I think...”
I stopped and dropped my eyes. Jasmine and Costa had both been terribly abused in demon realms, so my choice to bow out might come across like I was saying what happened to them didn’t matter to me anymore. Oh God. What if they hated me for this?
“Think what?” my sister asked impatiently.
Adrian slipped behind me and drew me into his arms. Those thick, warm bands and the solidness of his body soothed my sudden case of trembles.
“I’m not going after the spearhead anymore,” I said bluntly. “I’ve been kidding myself about being able to survive it long enough to save those people. I also learned that the realm walls will eventually weaken again, putting demons right back in business. So, I don’t see a point in risking everyone’s lives trying to find a weapon that’ll kill me before I can help anyone anyway—”
Jasmine threw her arms around me, cutting off the rest of my explanation. Her hug was so welcome and unexpected; I didn’t care that it was difficult to breathe between her tight frontal embrace and Adrian gripping me from behind.
“You’re not mad?” I got out, wiggling to get more room.
“Why?” She drew back, showing that her face was now wet from tears. “I never wanted you to do it in the first place! Each time you left to look for the staff or the spearhead, I’ve been terrified that you’ll never come back. It’s all I’ve been able to do to hold myself together these past few months. Good God, Ives, I have a white streak in my hair and I’m not even twenty! No, I’m not mad that you’re stopping. In fact, I’m so happy—” her voice broke “—I’m so happy I can’t even stand it.”
She dissolved into tears, and Adrian let me go so I could hold her. I stroked her hair and whispered reassurances that everything would be all right while, over her shoulder, I met Costa’s eyes. They were shiny with tears that didn’t hit his cheeks, yet his jaw was set in a hard line as he nodded at me.
I understand, that nod said. I didn’t know if he agreed like Jasmine did, but right now, his understanding was enough.
“So, your tattoos vanished after you decided to stop looking for the spearhead?” Jasmine asked with a final, teary sniff. “Guess that’s the supernatural version of having security throw you out after quitting.”
I let out a breathy laugh even though I felt more conflicted than amused. “Guess so. I saw Zach right before they disappeared, so I’m guessing he had something to do with it.”
“Zach was here?” Adrian sounded more surprised by that than by my decision to abandon my destiny.
“Yeah,” I said, giving Jasmine a last pat as I turned toward him. “He was waiting for me in the dining car after I checked on Brutus. He somehow knew what I’d decided, too. Guess he’d gotten a cosmic heads-up or something.”
Adrian’s eyes narrowed. “And he had nothing to say to you?”
I glanced away. I didn’t want to repeat what Zach had said. “Not much,” I settled on. “And it ended with ‘goodbye.’”
I could feel Adrian staring at me, measuring my words and locating the gaps between them. I tried to mentally erase the guilt, second-guessing and other emotions from my expression, but I must not have been that good at it.
“Give us a minute, guys,” Adrian said, opening the cabin door. Jasmine and Costa filed out after Jaz gave me a final hug. Adrian locked the door behind them, then turned around to face me.
I waited for him to speak, but without a word, he drew me into his arms. For several minutes, he held me, his warm, strong hands caressing away the bone-deep tension I hadn’t known was there until I finally felt it begin to loosen.
I closed my eyes as I rested my head against his chest. Oh, how I’d needed this! With every stroke of his hands, brush of his lips and tightening of his arms, Adrian was telling me that he loved me. Me, not the person other people wanted me to be, or what I was supposedly destined to be, or what I could be, if I only tried harder. Me: flaws, fears and all.
I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Thank you.”
His short laugh was muffled against my neck. “For what?”
“This,” I said, drawing back to look at him. “I needed it.”
He stared at me, his eyes appearing bluer from the intensity in his gaze. “And I need you. That’s why I’m thrilled about your decision. I never thought the payoff was worth the risk.”
“It could have been,” I said, thinking about all the people still trapped in the realms. As soon as I did, that deep-seated tension returned, as did my guilt. Quickly, I tried to brush both aside. “But it’s not,” I continued, reminding myself as well as saying it to Adrian. “Zach all but confirmed that I had no chance to survive the spearhead long enough to save them.”
Adrian sighed, then rested his forehead against mine. “Don’t beat yourself up. You saved lots of other people, and you tried to save them, too. You’ve done enough, Ivy.”
I mustered up a shrug that looked far more laid-back than I felt. “The former hallowed weapons would seem to disagree. I abandoned my destiny, so they wasted no time in abandoning me.”
He pulled me back into his arms, lifting me until my feet were off the floor and our faces were level.
“Screw Zach and screw them,” he whispered fiercely. “They might have left you, but I never will.”
I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him, needing his strength, his unconditional love and acceptance, and the passion that flowed between us, covering my guilt, doubt and second-guessing. Right now, all I needed to be was me. Right now, the only thing that mattered was the two of us. In his arms, everything was finally as it should be.
“I love you, Adrian,” I told him between searing kisses. “You’re my only destiny now.”