Twelve
Their guide was Niko – an endlessly enthusiastic and gregarious twenty-something with blond dreads and a nose piercing, a hot accent and eyes as blue as the clear Arctic skies above them. He flirted outrageously with Esme as he showed her the controls of the snowmobile but later when she heard peals of laughter coming from Hortense, she realised that Niko flirted outrageously with everyone.
It had been a short drive on a minibus to get them from their hotel to the snowmobile station. Esme had expected to sit on the bus with Hortense, but as it ploughed through fresh snow to stop in the hotel car park, she could barely restrain a raised eyebrow as Hortense made a beeline for Brian and clung to his arm.
‘You’ll be sitting with me?’ she asked.
Brian looked down at her and gave a bright, warm smile. ‘Of course – I wouldn’t have it any other way.’
‘That’s marvellous. I’m so excited for today. You’ll have to take care of me.’
‘I’ll be your Lancelot, my lady,’ he said.
Esme almost let out a guffaw. Hortense was one woman who did not need taking care of – Lancelot or not.
As Esme stared after them, Zach’s voice spun her around.
‘You missed the entertainment last night,’ he said carelessly.
‘Entertainment?’
‘Hortense and Brian. Getting it on. Slow dancing at the post-meal disco. They were both legless. Then they disappeared together mumbling something about being tired and going to bed. Whose bed is anyone’s guess but I bet that’s one bit of the holiday Brian won’t be photographing to send to the ex.’
Esme stared in amazement at Brian and Hortense. If their tryst had been fuelled by alcohol then they must still have been drunk because Brian had his arm around Hortense now and she didn’t look like she minded a bit. In fact, just to show him how little she minded, Hortense’s hand slid down to Brian’s backside and gave it a cheeky squeeze. Esme turned back to Zach.
‘Oh my God!’
‘My thoughts exactly. Didn’t take them long, did it?’
‘I thought…’
‘That we might be breaking up a fight by the end of the week? Me too. Looks like we might be breaking up something very different at some point.’
‘Is that…? Are we…?’ Esme’s mouth opened and closed again and she didn’t know how to articulate the questions filling her head. ‘I just don’t understand.’
‘If you worked for a dating agency, you’d never put them together, that’s for sure.’
‘Maybe not.’ Esme laughed. ‘So what did you do?’
‘Last night?’
Esme nodded.
He shrugged. ‘Had another drink, got talking to a couple from Cleveland for a bit and went to bed myself.’
‘Oh. I’m sorry.’
‘What for?’
‘That you got left alone.’
‘It was hardly your fault. Honestly, I’m not bothered. Good luck to Brian and Hortense – if they find romance this week then I’d say that’s a pretty good result. Doesn’t sound like either of them get much of that these days, and doesn’t everyone deserve something good from time to time?’
Esme gave a vague smile. Her thoughts had returned to the barrage of messages from Warren that she’d finally dared to read that morning. The experience had stressed her out so much she’d barely been able to face more than a black coffee at breakfast. Still, she hadn’t replied – they’d mostly been ranting and impossible to reply to – and because of that she knew there’d be more. Zach, as if reading her thoughts (about the food at least), brought it up.
‘Did you get anything to eat? I didn’t see you have much at breakfast.’
‘I’m not so hungry in the mornings.’
‘There’s a stop about halfway through the day to cook sausages and marshmallows on an open fire. Maybe you’ll be hungry by then.’
‘If it’s more reindeer sausages then I doubt it.’
Zach grinned. ‘I’m glad you decided to come today – I didn’t think you would.’
‘What makes you say that?’
‘Nothing in particular. Perhaps I was just preparing myself for disappointment.’
‘Why? Would you have been very disappointed if I hadn’t come?’
‘It would have been manageable, I suppose. You know, like finding the wrong burger in your order after you’ve left the drive-thru.’
Esme laughed. ‘Lucky for you that I did come.’ She angled her head in the direction of Hortense and Brian, who were sneaking kisses behind a spreading fir like a couple who’d just discovered what their mouths were really for. ‘You’d have been a proper gooseberry.’
‘You could be right there.’
Their conversation had been cut short by the tour company representative ushering everyone onto the bus, and Esme had sat next to Zach instead of Hortense, trying to ignore the heat of his leg as it pressed against hers and wishing she could think about something else.
They stood waiting now at the snowmobile station as Niko worked his way through the party to make final safety checks before giving the go ahead to hit the snow. Esme stamped her feet to stave off the biting cold. Even in her borrowed snowsuit and thick gloves it crept into every gap in every line of stitching and her toes were numb. Every time she took a breath it was like ice filling her lungs and her throat ached. Hortense was right when she’d said it was difficult to imagine cold like this until you’d experienced it. Once she was back at home basking in a British winter, she’d never complain she was cold ever again.
‘Wishing you hadn’t come after all?’ Zach leaned in and lowered his voice.
‘How did you know?’
‘Because I’m freezing too,’ he said with a smile. ‘Right now that open fire back at the hotel seems very tempting.’
‘And the hot chocolate.’
‘That too.’
‘Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea.’
‘Come on – it’s cold but it’s not that bad. Just like being in an ice bar. A great big outdoor, perpetually freezing ice bar.’
‘I’ve never been in an ice bar.’
‘I have. Many. One of those things that… well, let’s just say I’ve been in a lot.’
‘Doesn’t seem much point to me. Just go to a regular bar and get ice in your drinks.’
‘That’s what I used to say.’
‘You like them now?’
‘Yeah, I like them now. Good memories.’
‘It’s not just the cold,’ Esme said, not wanting to talk about ice bars any more. She had a feeling there was something significant about ice bars and she was scared to ask. ‘I’m nervous too.’
‘About what? This?’
‘Well, driving the snowmobile. The only thing I’ve ever driven is a car.’
‘This is way easier – that’s why they let us take them out with very little instruction.’
‘You’ve been on one before?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Where did you do that?’
‘Here…’
‘Here? In Lapland? So you’ve been before?’
‘Yes.’
Esme waited for more information but none came. It was obvious there was something he didn’t want to tell her. And maybe they hadn’t really known each other long enough for Esme to push it.
‘And you’re still here to tell the tale,’ she said instead, trying to keep the situation light even though she was beginning to see darkness in it.
‘Exactly.’
‘OK. So what if I lose the party? If I go off course I could end up really lost.’
‘You won’t. It’s really hard to get lost.’
‘But what if I do?’
‘Don’t worry. I’ll stick with you, so if you go off course, then so will I. At least we’ll be off course together.’
Esme shook her head. ‘Maybe I should ride with Niko on his snowmobile. He said anyone who felt nervous could.’
‘Or how about you ride on mine with me?’
Esme blinked.
‘Only if you wanted to, of course,’ he added quickly. ‘With me you’d have my full attention but Niko has the whole group to worry about.’
‘I…’ Esme glanced across at where Niko was high-fiving a teenage boy. Niko was very young – which was a ridiculous thing for her to think considering she herself was probably only a few years older. But his carefree, bohemian manner made him seem too young. And a little too carefree. Niko didn’t look like he’d catch you if you fell, rather sit back and watch with a wry chuckle. But Zach… Zach looked like someone who’d be there no matter what. Maybe she would be safer with Zach. At least physically she’d be safer. Emotionally… she tried again to dismiss that pull when she looked at him. He was a travelling companion, nothing more, and she had Warren waiting at home. Sort of. Though she hadn’t exactly decided how she felt about going back to Warren, she hadn’t exactly finished things with him either. But then she looked up again at Zach and he smiled and her heart melted just a little.
‘OK. As long as I’m not holding you back I’ll ride with you.’
Zach grinned. ‘So, the next question is do you feel confident enough to drive? Or do you want to go piggyback with me?’
‘I’ll let you drive.’
He gave a short nod. ‘I guess you could always have a go coming back. If you feel up to it.’
‘You’d trust me to drive with you riding pillion?’
‘Of course. Why not?’
‘I don’t know. My…’
Esme wanted to say boyfriend but the word wouldn’t come out. Why couldn’t she mention Warren? What was the use in hiding his existence from everyone?
‘I’m not the best driver, that’s all,’ she finished lamely.
‘Even if we did come off – which we won’t – we’d hardly hurt ourselves with all this snow to cushion the landing.’
Esme’s pulse quickened. She waited for the but. There was none. He really did believe she could do this. He looked at her like she was valid, like she had worth.
‘I don’t think so,’ she said, despite this. ‘I think I’d feel better if you drove.’
‘I will, but I bet you change your mind when you see how easy it is.’
She smiled, but she didn’t say anything more because it might commit her to a course of action she wasn’t ready for.
‘I’d better have a word with Niko,’ he said. ‘Let him know the plan.’
Esme watched him go. She tried not to watch him but despite the snow glittering in the pink half-light of a polar noon and the plumes of breath curling like ice sculptures into the cleanest air she’d ever seen, and the infectious excitement and anticipation of her fellow travellers infusing the cold with a subtle warmth, she couldn’t watch anything else.
It’s nothing, she told herself firmly. It’s a silly crush because you’re in a weird emotional state right now and he’s being kind to you and in any other situation you wouldn’t look twice. And she wondered whether the guilt and the desire showed on her face as he made his way back, blowing into his palms to warm them.
‘Niko’s going to get someone to put the spare snowmobile away and he’s cool with us going together.’
Esme caught a wink from Hortense and wondered what to make of it. Then she watched as Hortense straddled her vehicle as if it was a bucking bronco and she’d been a cow wrangler all her life, swatting away any assistance that Brian looked set to offer. She opened the throttle before Niko had even thought about telling everyone to start up. As the sound of her engine cracked the iced air he shot her a look of vague annoyance that looked oddly incongruous on his serene and happy features, and Esme wondered if he’d suddenly realised that his day might have just got that little bit less chilled with Hortense in his charge. Esme would bet a large chunk of money that her new friend wasn’t very good at taking instruction or orders or advice of any kind meant to keep her safe. If someone handed her a live grenade and told her to throw it, Hortense would probably juggle it for a while first as she whistled a jaunty tune, just to see if she could. To see her now, so bold and enthusiastic, made Esme smile, but it made her a little sad at the same time, because she couldn’t help but reflect on how much her grandma would have liked Hortense. She would have liked Brian too, who was now watching Hortense with fondness but also with the ghost of a wry smile. He was probably thinking much the same as Esme – that he didn’t fancy Niko’s chances trying to keep the indomitable Hortense in line. In fact, her grandma would have got along famously with everyone.
‘Ready?’
Zach’s voice brought her back to reality but it also stirred another emotion in her that was hardly helping to steady the ship.
‘As I’ll ever be.’
‘Don’t worry – I’ve got you.’
The famous line from the Superman film came to mind, where Lois Lane is swept into Superman’s arms and asks that if he has her, who has him. But looking at Zach now, Esme realised that nobody needed to have him because he was the sort of man who just coped with anything that life threw at him and never even broke a sweat. Her throat was tight and the cold air burned her lungs, but she swallowed it in and climbed onto the back of the snowmobile. A moment later it roared into life.
‘I feel like James Bond,’ he called behind. ‘And don’t reply to that – let me keep my little fantasy that I look like James Bond too!’
Esme wouldn’t have replied. He didn’t look like James Bond – his features were far too gentle and thoughtful to be that steely. Not that he didn’t have the bone structure or the well-sculpted torso or the thick wavy hair, but the whole package was more approachable, more down to earth. Like a James Bond that normal women could actually date without feeling woefully inadequate. Perhaps it was a strange way to think of him, and she had to smile at her odd notion. She almost told Zach about it, but then the sound of the other snowmobiles coming to life one by one filled the air and Zach wouldn’t have heard it even if she’d been silly enough to let it slip.
Niko was at the front of the pack. He raised his arm above his head and pointed to a barely visible track, which Esme had to assume was what passed for a road in these parts, and everyone began to follow as he picked up speed. The engine vibrated through Esme’s chest and she wrapped her arms around Zach’s waist. His coat was thick and padded and there was no warmth for her as she pressed her cheek to his back, but there was heat from his legs as hers slotted behind them and she was cosy enough in her own snowsuit to be content as the frosted landscape began to flash by. Their shadows were long and grainy on the snow and already the blue moment – as the locals called it – was fast approaching where the skies were lilac and rose and forget-me-not and just about the most beautiful thing Esme had ever seen.
‘OK back there?’ Zach called.
Esme nodded, forgetting her voice.
‘Esme?’
‘Oh… I’m fine.’
‘Isn’t this just amazing?’
‘Yes… amazing.’
‘Doesn’t it feel like the adventure of a lifetime already?’
‘Yes.’
Zach paused. Then: ‘You know…’
His voice faded. Esme waited.
‘Zach?’
She felt the wobble as he shook his head.
‘Nothing,’ he said, and for the first time since they’d met there was something in his voice – a note of defeat or perhaps pain. There was a fleeting spark of recognition, and Esme knew instantly that whatever he’d wanted to say, he’d boxed it up again. She didn’t push the conversation; she simply laid her head against his back and watched the landscape flash by once more.
The box that Zach had metaphorically shut was still secure. After ten minutes of silence, broken only by the thrum of their engines sounding like a thousand really angry bees, the occasional shouted instruction from Niko, which could have been instruction or could have been simple expressions of joy – it was hard to tell – and the snow spraying from beneath them, Zach spoke again. One word.
‘Elk.’
Esme whipped round and then she saw it, black against the bank of snow, watching the party whiz by with lazy interest. They passed within seconds, but she was left with the impression of a shaggy creature of enormous size and strength, something that had taken her completely by surprise. She’d imagined an elk in the wild to be more like a deer but this was something far more alarming, frightening even.
A short time later, as the clouds began to crowd the pastel skies, Niko gave the signal to stop.
‘We will eat now,’ he said as the engines stopped one by one.
Zach turned to Esme with that easy smile. ‘A bit early for dinner – somebody must have the munchies.’
It was good to see him amenable and charming again, but at the same time it troubled Esme because some unnameable instinct told her now that all his agreeability came at a cost. But it was probably none of her business, even if it was anything at all. Maybe it was just an overactive imagination on her part and she dismissed the idea. After all, he seemed OK now.
Niko set to work in a sheltered clearing, shovelling the snow aside to reveal earth blackened with the marks of many fires before the one he was building now. He gave instructions to various members of the party for assistance while he showed some of the children what he planned to do, explaining to them in gentle tones the origin of every ingredient of the meal they were going to eat and the Finnish ethos of taking care of every resource so there would always be food to eat in the future. Niko was good with kids – less cocky and more approachable – and every one of them was now entranced by his husky voice with its accent sharp enough to cut leather and his dancing blue eyes. There were questions and he answered each one without judgement, no matter how silly they might seem or how similar to the one before. Esme forgot she was cold as she watched them.
Esme turned to see Zach watching too.
‘Oh God, yes.’
‘And good-looking too.’
‘That’s an indisputable fact.’
‘I shouldn’t say it but it makes me feel quite inadequate. I should become a monk or something rather than trying to compete.’
Esme studied him. ‘Why would you need to compete?’
‘I don’t. I was just saying…’
Zach seemed flustered. The second surprising discovery of the day: Zach got flustered.
‘I just meant… he’s a pretty tough yardstick for the rest of us men.’
‘You have different qualities,’ Esme said. ‘Just as valuable.’
‘Well, thank you, I think.’
‘At least Hortense doesn’t seem too concerned about Niko. And Brian’s certainly not feeling inadequate.’ Esme angled her head to where Brian and Hortense were engaged in some sort of Eskimo kissing, their noses smudged together and their arms wrapped around each other’s padded torsos. ‘It looks like the foursome has now become a couple of twosomes.’
‘It does,’ Zach said, and left Esme wondering how he felt about that. She turned to the landscape, pristine and white for miles apart from the dark shadows of trees and the odd distant dwelling. She’d once thought the beloved peaks of her home could be uninviting and bleak, but even amongst all this beauty, how inhospitable, how hard must life be here? Was there ever a day when the inhabitants of Rovaniemi didn’t risk death from hypothermia just by walking out through their front door?
When she looked again, Niko and his helpers had the fire going. It seemed strange to see a fire in the middle of so much snow but there it was. The kids of the party were full of excited chatter as they helped Niko unpack the food they were going to cook. Esme almost wished she could join in, but this was a task for them to enjoy and she wouldn’t dream of taking these memories from any of them. He then pulled pots and pans from the luggage box on his snowmobile and gathered them round to issue a few safety instructions before they began to prepare lunch.
She’d been determined not to eat too much either, an inevitable hangover from the diet she’d been on for Warren, but when the sausages began to cook, the rich smell of them on the frosty air was so incredible that, reindeer or not, Esme had to try them. So she sat on a log cleared by Zach and he sat next to her and the whole group fell silent as they devoured a hot lunch that felt all the more welcome in the searing cold of their surroundings.
Reindeer sausage was unexpectedly good too, though Esme tried not to think about Santa’s helpers as they ate. Perhaps if she ate enough of them this week she’d stop thinking about Rudolph at all. As Hortense had reminded her when she’d said so, it was only what the Arctic people had instead of cows and it was silly to be so sentimental about it – although Hortense had a way of saying so that made Esme feel sillier still. It was sort of like someone had taken beef and given it flavour steroids – very intense and dark and almost earthy. Esme looked around – some of the children were staring mournfully at their plates and picking at the berry accompaniment to the meal and Esme guessed they were finding it a little harder to separate their dinner from Donner, Dasher, Blitzen and co.
Then Niko served up hot, strong coffee to wash it down, and as soon as everyone was warmed through they washed up and packed up and got ready to start on the trail back to the snowmobile station. By now dusk had fallen and the pockets of sky in the gathering clouds were deep indigo, dusted with stars.
‘Do you think we’ll see the Northern Lights?’ someone asked Niko.
‘The solar activity is low,’ Niko said. ‘Perhaps, but I would not place a bet on it for today.’
Zach stared up as he fastened his crash helmet. He looked disappointed by what they’d just heard, perhaps more than he ought to be. After all, they had a week to see the Lights so perhaps it wasn’t time to be too disappointed just yet.
‘But we have the Lights chase tomorrow night,’ Esme reminded him. ‘We’re bound to see them eventually.’
He sniffed, unimpressed, or perhaps more disappointed than he could articulate.
‘And don’t forget the weather changes quickly here,’ she added. ‘The sky might not be clear now but it might change later.’
Esme and Zach both turned to see Brian behind them, looking up at the clouds too. Zach’s disappointment lifted and he grinned.
‘Good of you to join us, Brian.’
Brian’s grin in return was rather more sheepish. ‘Hortense and I…’
‘You hooked up,’ Zach said. ‘It’s great – don’t worry about it.’
‘You don’t feel abandoned by us?’
Zach looked at Esme. ‘We’re all grownups – I’m sure we’ll survive it somehow.’
Brian looked over to where Hortense was already astride her snowmobile like the Amazonian queen that the legends forgot to mention. ‘She’s one on her own that woman.’
‘She is that,’ Zach agreed.
‘At the airport I had my doubts that we wouldn’t throttle one another before the week is out – she’s a bit too much like the ex, if truth be told.’ He gave a small smile. ‘It’s funny how your feelings can change, isn’t it? I never thought I had a “type” but it looks like I might have after all.’
‘It is. I hope you two have a great time together now that you’ve decided no throttling is necessary. Just remember to say hello every now and again, eh?’
‘Of course!’ Brian said. ‘We wouldn’t leave you two!’
‘Good.’ Zach nodded towards Niko, who’d raised his arms for attention. ‘Looks like he’s ready to move.’
‘Oh, right… I should…’ Brian began to wade through the snow back to his own vehicle, the overgrown hair poking from beneath his woolly hat almost as white as the landscape.
‘See you later, Brian.’
‘Yes!’ Brian lifted his hand in farewell as he struggled forward. ‘See you at the hotel!’
Esme and Zach watched him go, silent for a few short moments before Zach spoke quietly.
‘Just goes to show there’s hope for all of us, doesn’t it?’
Esme turned to him. She wanted to ask what that meant but she didn’t know how so she climbed on the back of the snowmobile and left it at that.