CHAPTER FIVE
REALM AND I GRAB A table in the designated café area. There are six tables in this corner of the grocery store, and except for an old man eating a pastry, the place is deserted. Even the barista hangs near the back, where she’s cleaning a machine.
Coffees in hand, Realm and I sit across from each other, half-hidden behind a wood beam. Realm leans forward, elbows on the table, and wraps both hands around his coffee cup.
“So you went to Dr. Warren to get guidance on Wes,” he starts. “Or did you really want her to tell you that you shouldn’t lie to him? That you should get back together with him?”
“I think I wanted validation,” I say, staring down at the lip of my cup, running my finger along it. “I wanted her to acknowledge how difficult it was, and yeah . . .” I smile. “Maybe part of me hoped she’d tell me it was unnecessary. I don’t want to walk away from him, Realm. I love him. But after seeing how deeply hurt I was in the past, how . . . damaged, I’m scared to go back there. I’m scared for him to end up there.”
“But you still love him,” Realm says sympathetically, like he’s finishing the thought for me.
I pick up my coffee, blow on it, and take a sip. “Doesn’t that suck?” I ask, trying to lighten the moment as my tears fade.
“It’s . . . it’s super shitty—I’m not going to lie.”
I sniff a laugh and set my cup down. “It doesn’t really matter what I do,” I add. “Wes doesn’t remember me, so it was stupid for me to assume he would just love me again.”
“I don’t think it’s stupid to assume that,” Realm says, and drinks his coffee. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”
I study him a moment, noting he’s smart, attractive. Noting how lonely he seems. “Do you have a girlfriend?” I ask.
“I have an ex that I’m fond of,” he offers.
I laugh. “Oh, hey. Me too.”
He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Dallas was the better part of me,” he adds. “Or at least she used to be when we were together. She’s exploring the world now—traveling with her friend Cas.”
“You miss her,” I say.
“I do.”
“Is she the love of your life?”
Realm sits thoughtfully for a moment, and then he shakes his head. “No,” he says. “Because she always deserved better than me. Most people do.”
It’s such a miserable thing to say. I’m not sure if he’s being self-deprecating or truly feels that low, but his sadness is overwhelming. He hunches down slightly, his thin shoulders jutting out through his T-shirt.
I don’t believe for an instant that what he said is true. We all make mistakes, but it doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to be loved.
However, the realness of him right now cuts me. Worries me in a way I don’t quite understand. He coughs again, turning away, and I examine him more closely. He doesn’t look well—deeply exhausted. It makes me wonder what type of problems he loses sleep over. I don’t want him to dwell on his anguish, though, so I bring the topic back to the really messed-up shit.
“How do you know Dr. Warren?” I ask. Realm’s dark eyes flick up to me immediately. He studies me before answering.
“From The Program,” he says in a low voice. “And she’s treated several of my friends.”
“Why are you hiding from her?” I ask. To this he smiles.
“Because she’ll never give up. Dr. Warren doesn’t let things go. And for the past year, she’s been trying to find me. Not going to happen.”
“Why does she want to find you?” I ask.
“Several reasons, I’m sure. But the main one? Sloane Barstow. She burned up Dr. Warren pretty good.”
My mouth falls open. This time, I’m the one who leans closer. “You know her?” I ask. “You know Sloane Barstow?”
“And James Murphy—yes.” He glances around at the empty tables before taking a big, steadying breath, like this was a long story. “I met Sloane in The Program. Met James after. He’s the kind of guy you love to hate, if only he were hateable.”
There’s affection in his voice, and it draws me to his story. “Why did you want to hate him?” I ask.
Realm glances down at his coffee and lifts one shoulder in a shrug. “Because I was in love with Sloane.”
“Oh . . .”
“I know,” he says, interpreting my reaction. “Sloane and James forever. Still, I thought I had a chance. But they love each other a maddening amount. Sickening to watch, really.”
“And you don’t hate James?” I ask.
“He’s my best friend.”
“Okay . . . that’s got to be awkward.”
“It is,” Realm agrees. “But he knows I love her, and I know she loves him. So he doesn’t have much to worry about.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No reason to be sorry.” Realm waves off my apology. “I knew their relationship. I should have adjusted my goals accordingly.”
“Yeah, well,” I say, picking up my coffee. “The past is over. Sometimes, the only real thing is now.”
Realm’s lips part as he watches me take a sip of my drink, his dark eyes sweeping over my face. When they meet my gaze, he flinches a smile, a blush rising high on his cheeks.
“Right,” he says with a quick nod. “You’re damn right, Tatum.”
I’m about to commiserate on our similar situations when Realm pulls back and takes out his phone. I see he’s getting a call. He groans softly and clicks off the phone before sliding it back into his pocket.
“I’m so sorry to cut this short,” he says. “But I’m running late. I was supposed to meet someone an hour ago.” He smiles as he stands up from the table. “I got caught up chatting with you.”
He’s kind of flirtatious. Manipulative? I’m not sure, but I stand up too. “Did you need a ride back?” I ask.
“No, I’ve got a ride coming,” he says, although there’s no way that’s true. I still can’t believe he knows Sloane and James. I have no idea what I’m getting myself into by talking to him.
“What aren’t you telling me, Realm?” I ask.
He laughs and slaps the table. “Obviously, a lot,” he admits, picking up his coffee. “So let’s talk again soon, yeah?”
I don’t tell him that we will, mostly because I’m not sure what all this means. I’m definitely going to check his story against whatever Marie and Dr. McKee admit.
“Good luck with your rebellion,” I tell Realm, making him smile.
I start toward the exit and drop my empty coffee cup into the trash, but before I walk out, Realm gently touches my shoulder. I turn to him, slightly unsettled by being so close.
“If it means anything,” he says, “I don’t think you should give up on Wes. Having a history with someone . . . although it may not be everything you thought it was, it did help create who you are now. He’s part of you. You don’t have to forget that.”
I’m not sure why, but his words hit me hard, and I instantly feel a lump in my throat.
Realm offers a smile, and there’s a long pause like he might hug me. But then he turns and walks through the automatic doors and out into the parking lot.
• • •
It’s been a weird day. I text Nathan again, telling him I need to talk to him. I don’t want to specifically call out Jana in case she sees his phone. And beyond his girlfriend talking with a sketchy guy from school, I have to tell him about my run-in with Realm, the bombshell about Dr. Warren, and my current status with Wes. Once again, Nathan doesn’t answer. I text Foster, and he responds that he’s with Arturo and asks if he can call me later.
I still have an hour before I’m supposed to meet Nathan at the Adjustment office, and I don’t think it’d be smart to go there alone. I can go home to think about everything I learned today, but I’m dreading it. I abruptly left Dr. Warren’s office, and she probably already called my grandparents and told them. They might show up, and then how do I explain? I can’t.
But I’m going to the Adjustment office in a little while, and by the end of the day . . . I might know everything. And once I do, I will confront everyone. No more deceit. No more fucking lying.
I just have to pretend for a bit longer.
I glance at the clock on my dashboard, not wanting to be alone. I have nowhere to go, and few people know about my predicament. Even fewer that I can trust. And even though I was determined to be better, Michael Realm has left me thinking. If I don’t have to forget Wes, can I still be his friend? Can I still confide in him?
There was hurt and pain in our relationship, but there was also friendship—true friendship. Maybe I should be building on that, creating something new and positive for both of us. I want to be that strong. I want to be the kind of person who can do that.
I check my reflection in the mirror and think the circles under my eyes look a little darker than usual; I’m slightly drawn. I haven’t exactly been taking good care of myself lately. I’ll have to focus on that more.
But for now, I begin the drive toward Wes’s house.