CHAPTER NINE
JORDAN
I was tipsy.
The Britney-glammed elevator dipped, and I gripped the railing on the side and tilted my head as “. . . Baby One More Time” started playing. I could have sworn the Britney poster was moving. All I needed was a schoolgirl outfit and I’d be all set to star in my own music video. Then again, I’d probably end up getting arrested, because that was JUST the type of day I was having. I could see it now—Reid Emory’s newest publicist arrested for pretending to be a teenage woman and hitting on a minor after chasing him down the street over a stolen doughnut.
Whoa. I swayed on my feet. How did I get from schoolgirl outfit to doughnut? Or taking advantage of minors?
“Hey.” Reid elbowed me as the elevator finally rumbled to a stop. “You did good in there.”
I nodded, not trusting my voice to be slur-free as I continued digging my fingers into the metal rail.
The doors opened.
I didn’t move.
Afraid that if I did I’d puke.
Just how much did I drink up there?
“It happens.” Reid gripped my arm and led me gently out the doors. “He has that effect on people.”
“I have . . .” I cleared my throat and widened my eyes, thinking, Surely if I go all owl-eye on Reid, I won’t look intoxicated. Right, because not blinking really sells someone on your sobriety, said no person ever. “No idea.” I licked my dry lips. “What you’re referring to.”
Reid released my arm and very gently pushed my body with his pointer finger. I nearly toppled over—would have, had he not grabbed me again and sighed. “That’s what I’m talking about. Don’t blame yourself. It’s the Max effect.”
“But we won.” I nodded. “Or actually, you won, with your quick thinking. Now we can just pretend we hate each other.” I frowned. “No, wait, that won’t work. We still have to date and convince the media that you’re taming me.” My head started to pound. “I’m starving. Are you starving?”
Reid said nothing and just held me closer to his body.
“You smell like—” I inhaled his shirt, my nose plastered against it like a hound ready to chase a coon across the country. “Sexy sex cologne.”
“Oh?” Reid nodded. “Good, because that’s what I was doing the whole time you were tossing back whiskey upstairs, having sex so that my natural musk would attract perfect strangers.”
“You were?”
“Jeez, where do you live? I need to get you home.”
It started to rain. “I live in a pond.” I spread my arms wide, then toppled forward, my purse falling down around my wrist. I swung it around in the air like an ax. “Under the sea . . .” I giggled, then started wiggling my hips. “Under the sea, down where it’s wetter, down where it’s better, take it from me!” Somehow I’d taken on a very convincing accent. I was seriously hilarious. Why wasn’t Reid dying of laughter?
Reid grinned. Then pulled out his cell and snapped a few photos.
“That good, huh?” I winked, then nearly fell backward down the concrete stairs leading to the street.
“Yeah, Sebastian, words can’t describe. So I took a picture. Might post it to Facebook later, tag you in it, add a few choice hashtags, like #sebastianlives, #savecrabseatshrimp, and #Girlsgonewildtheshrewedition.”
I saw two Reids. My stomach plummeted, sinking to my feet. “Ugh, I don’t feel so good.”
“Well, you look awesome.” Reid grabbed my hand.
I curled my lips up at him in disgust.
“Especially that face—that one’s my favorite. If I squint and tilt my head you resemble a pissed-off poodle. Tell me, does your hair have a name? Considering it’s like a separate organism living off your body? Let’s call it Parasite Bob.”
“You’re a parasite!” I yelled.
“Shh, Sebastian. We’ll get you back to the ocean, just calm down.”
“I’m not a crab!” I wailed, suddenly craving crab like none other.
“Of course you don’t have crabs!” Reid countered. “Poor thing.” He motioned his head toward curious onlookers. “It’s a good thing our city cares for the homeless.”
I dug my feet into the ground. “I’m not homeless, you bastard!”
“Then show me where you live so I can make you a pot of coffee and hatch out a plan that leaves Max out of our lives and keeps us from going to prison.”
“Prison? Why would we go to prison?”
“Max. I may kill him. I’ve threatened him for years, but this may just be the one time I follow through.” His face was serious; not a hint of humor marred his perfect features. Okay, so maybe it was safer for all parties if we got farther away from the building.
I nodded, suddenly realizing it was a very real possibility that Reid would turn around, jump on Britney, ride to the top, and kick his brother in the family jewels. “Fine, my house is . . .” I looked down the road, then up the road, then blinked up at the sun.
“Saturn?”
“No.” I pushed on Reid’s muscled chest. “I live . . . in Midtown-ish.”
“Midtown—ish?”
“I think so.”
“You think so?”
“Stop repeating everything I say!”
Reid held up his hands. “Fine, let’s grab a cab and pray you at least remember your address so we aren’t roaming the streets. I don’t take you for the type who would actually survive overnight in the elements.”
He hailed a cab, shoved me in—not very gently, mind you—and turned those aqua-blue weapons in my direction. “So?”
“Er, Koreatown, fifty West Thirty-Fourth.”
“Koreatown,” Reid repeated. “I should have known.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’ll have you know I live next to the Macy’s flagship store. I’m within walking distance of Grand Central and—”
Reid held up his hand. “Not a tourist, you don’t need to sell me on New York, Sebastian.”
“Stop calling me that!”
“Sorry, Shrew.”
I groaned into my hands and prayed it would take us only a few minutes to make it to my apartment.
It didn’t.
Because, as I previously stated, I was clearly unlucky.
Twenty minutes later, the booze had worn off and I was left feeling itchy, sweaty, gross, and dehydrated.
I threw a twenty at the driver and basically launched myself from the car, hoping my catlike reflexes would startle Reid and cause him to stay in the car and disappear so I could wallow in shameful peace.
Clearly he wasn’t easy to get rid of.
He gripped my wrist, got out of the cab, and slowly walked with me to the door.
The doorman tipped his hat as we walked in, which only made things worse. That same doorman had stopped me on multiple occasions, accusing me of stalking some of the residents. It probably didn’t help that I’d gone on one date with my neighbor and when I refused to go out with him again, because he had a gross cheese fetish, he made a scene in the lobby.
Since then, I’d had three run-ins with Dwight.
He threatened to call security on me only once.
Since then we’d given each other a wide berth. I ignored him and he ignored me.
“Excuse me.” Dwight cleared his throat and approached us just as I hit the button for my floor.
Gritting my teeth, I turned and crossed my arms, ready for a battle.
“Yes?” Reid answered.
Dwight looked down at the ground, then back up at Reid, his ruddy face flushed with excitement. I’d never seen the man so much as hint that he had a sense of humor or knew how to smile. He was in his midfifties, losing most of his hair except for a small patch I could only assume he refused to cut, right in the middle.
“I saw your show last year at least a dozen times.”
“Oh, wow.” Reid nodded. “Thanks, man, that means a lot.”
“You are”—Dwight held out his hands, his eyes blurring with tears. Oh, dear Lord—“hands down the best Phantom this world has ever seen.”
Lay it on thick, Dwight. I half expected him to burst into tears.
“We have to go,” I snapped, ignoring the fact that my estrogen seemed to immediately triple in supply at the thought of Reid wearing a cape. Hot damn.
Dwight’s eyes narrowed. “You sure you live here?”
“For the past two years,” I said through clenched teeth. “Reid.” I gripped his arm. “Come on.”
His arm was so firm, strong. I glanced up.
Cape, cape, cape! my body freaking sang. Oh, man, I wonder if he kept the mask?
“Sir.” Dwight shook his head. “An absolute pleasure.”
Reid reached out and patted his shoulder. “For me too.” He glanced down at the name tag. “Dwight.”
Dwight gasped. Like a freaking schoolgirl. I shook the visions of a Phantom Reid out of my head and crossed my arms.
If Dwight fainted, I was going to purposefully knock myself out and pray that when I woke up this day from hell was nothing but a really horrible nightmare.
He didn’t. Faint, that is, but he did fan his face and walk quite briskly back to his desk before he lifted his phone into the air.
A picture was snapped just as the elevator doors closed. I could imagine the caption now: REID EMORY INVITES HOMELESS CAT LADY INTO HIS APARTMENT FOR AFTERNOON TEA.
I winced as my own reflection flashed back at me in the shiny elevator doors.
Reid’s eyes met mine in the reflection, and they were kind. His expression was one you save for old ladies while they buy discount bread at the grocery store just because it’s on sale, then feed it to the birds. “It’s true, you’ve probably had better days.”
“My hair.” I touched the top of my head. My frizzy hair just kept growing and growing, like an overwatered Chia Pet.
“It wouldn’t stay down.” Reid shrugged. “Believe me, I tried.”
I rolled my eyes. “You licked your hand and patted it.”
“Exactly.”
The doors opened. I hurried past the other doors and stopped in front of mine.
Yellow tape.
Why, why was there yellow caution tape in front of my door?
“Uh-oh. Kill someone last night?”
“It’s not crime scene tape, you ass!” I ripped the tape from my door like I was Xena, Warrior Princess, shoved my key in the lock, and stepped in.
The apartment was semidark.
I flipped the switch.
Nothing.
“You smell smoke?” Reid coughed and covered his mouth just as my tiny shih tzu barreled out of the bedroom and launched himself onto Reid’s leg.
Reid looked down at the small rat. “Friend of yours? Funny, I expected you to be more of a cat person.”
“Come here, Otis.”
“Otis?”
“Yeah.” I snuggled my dog close to my chest. “You know, from Milo and Otis?”
Reid’s eyes scanned my small one-bedroom apartment. I knew it wasn’t anything special. I didn’t have time to decorate, and even my sad pathetic coffee table was naked, not even a coaster decorating the thing. But I’d always been of the mind that a woman doesn’t need a coaster if all she drinks is wine.
“I know a Milo.”
“Right. Okay.” I dropped Otis onto the ground and went to another light switch. Nothing.
“Did you pay your power bill?” Reid asked, his tone completely serious.
My cheeks heated as I clenched my fists to keep from scratching his eyes out. “Yes. As I said before, my electricity went out this morning, but they promised it would be fixed within a few hours.”
A knock sounded at the door.
I ignored it.
Already knowing what it was.
More bad news.
Because after today, how could it really be anything good?
Reid pushed past me and opened the door.
“You can’t be here!” A stout man with a wiry mustache pushed into my apartment and clenched his fists at his sides like he was trying to keep his anger in check. “It’s been condemned.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I held up my hands. “Over the electricity?”
He sighed, looking at me like I was a complete idiot, before addressing the other male in the room. “She your girlfriend?”
“Something like that.” Reid smirked. Hey, at least he semi claimed me, right? “Now, what’s going on here?”
The man held out his clipboard, handing it to Reid, a relative stranger. Never mind that it was my name on the lease. All that mattered was that there was a man to explain things to rather than a hysterical lady with poofy hair. “The electrical is so old we’ve had to condemn the oldest apartments on this side, the ones not renovated or part of phase one.”
My stomach sank. “I was told it was perfectly safe.”
“Lady, that smoke you smell? Could have been you or your little fur ball had some pathetic squirrel not sacrificed itself on a power line this morning. You need to pack your shit and stay with friends. If you need help moving, I can give you some numbers, but you can’t stay the night.”
“But—”
“Lady.” Seriously, if he called me lady one more time I was going to show him how much of a lady I could really be and slam his head in the doorway. “Stay with your boyfriend, I’m sure he won’t mind.”
“He would.” I gritted my teeth. “Believe me.”
The man left, slamming the door behind him.
And that’s when I felt the familiar sting of tears. Nothing in my day had gone right, and now I really was homeless. All I needed was a cart and an END OF THE WORLD sign.