Chapter Eighteen
SHANNON
I didn’t allow myself the luxury of falling apart.
The weeks and months after Sam’s implosion were hard on everyone, and we all hoarded reasons to blame ourselves, but a fair amount of quietly spoken censure tracked toward me. Regardless of whether Sam was an adult with advanced degrees and a successful career, I was still responsible for tending to his health and overall well-being. It was built into the mechanics of this family, and I’d never stopped to announce we were overhauling the system. Instead, I’d abandoned that post when he needed it most.
I did the only thing I could: I locked it all down. I saw every sunrise and sunset from the solitude of my office, and I worked until all the words and numbers blurred together. My mind was weight-weary, and my body was drawn too taut to recognize anything more than the deepest ends of hunger, exhaustion, pain. There was a beauty in the excess of it all: our restoration projects were selling well above asking price, my investment properties were turning wild profits, and our services were in greater demand than ever before.
But if I wasn’t working, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I wore through three pairs of running shoes and doubled up on my morning spin classes, and when I couldn’t push my body any further, I ended up at the Public Garden or the Prudential Center, watching people as they went about their lives.
I couldn’t bear to be alone. Not any more than I already was.
Sometimes I wondered whether I was going to wake up on my fiftieth birthday and realize the good men were taken, my childbearing days had passed, and the years I devoted to raising my siblings were a shiny memory of a time when I was more than the meddling aunt. I was going to wake up hollow and alone because I’d given everything, and while I was busy giving, there was no one in my life to replenish me.
But when September and then October came and went with no sign of Will, I knew I was already there.
*
It took Sam almost four months to come back to us.
He went to Tiel first, of course. He went to her and before I could blink, they were moving in together.
Another blink and they were engaged.
“Tiel and I are getting married,” he announced at the tail end of the Monday morning status meeting.
He smiled to himself while he ran his hand over his tie and fished his phone from his breast pocket. He tapped the screen, and an image of him and Tiel appeared. Their faces were close together, happy and smiling like people who hadn’t put each other through multiple layers of agony. Her hand was positioned between them, and on her finger sat a large peachy-pink diamond ring.
Everyone crowded around Sam, offering handshakes and hugs, congratulations and quips about Tiel making an honest man out of him. A few beats passed before I realized I was still seated, watching while Andy and my brothers lavished him in well wishes.
Sam looked up and met my eyes across the table, his frown communicating exactly how much it hurt him that I wasn’t in line to share his joy. “Shannon?”
For as far as we might have drifted, he still wanted my approval. “Congratulations!” I said, rounding the table to envelop him in a squeeze. “Have you set a date yet?”
Sam patted my shoulder with a chuckle. “No, we didn’t get that far yesterday,” he said.
“Well, there’s a ton to plan,” I said, breaking away from the group. Sam’s smile fell and he gazed at me, confused.
It wasn’t the right response, that much I knew, but it was the best I could do. Everything was a situation to manage, a problem to solve, and I kicked the shit out of every issue that crossed our path. I didn’t know any other way to show my love.
“We should get dinner soon, the three of us, and start thinking about dates, venues, themes,” I said, edging out of the attic conference room and toward the stairs. “So much to do. Colors. Flowers. Everything. Let me know what works for you two, and we’ll get together.”
I felt like a brittle piece of antique glass that was bound to crack under the lightest pressure as I returned to my office and settled behind my desk. Dragging a breath into my lungs, I dropped my head into my hands just as my door banged shut.
“Is there something you wish to share with me?” Sam asked.
“No,” I said, running my hands over my face. “A lot on my mind today. A lot of meetings. You know how it is. Mondays are always crazy.”
Sam crossed his legs and folded his hands in his lap, and he nodded.
“And I’m checking out two more properties this afternoon. A pair of brownstones that were in the process of being remodeled but the developer ran out of cash so they’ve been vacant for a few years. Could be interesting.”
He nodded again, eyeing me with cool exasperation. “If I wanted your schedule, I could have asked Tom. Why don’t you cut the shit and tell me what’s going on.”
I stared at my dark lilac skirt and brushed some dust off the hem. “Nothing is going on. I’m thrilled for you, truly, and will do anything to help with planning the wedding.”
“Bullshit,” he said, and my head snapped up at his tone. “That’s bullshit. You should have seen your face up there, Shan. You were devastated, and I want to know why.”
An image of that ring appeared in my mind, and I knew without asking that it was one of a kind, just like Tiel Desai. It was different in an unexpectedly lovely way, and he didn’t need my help picking out rings or deciding how and when to propose. He didn’t need me for anything. Not anymore.
“Not devastated,” I said. “Just surprised. It seems like you just moved in together, and…and I can’t wait to help with the planning. You’re thinking summer, right? Summer weddings are wonderful, though the best spots book up quickly. What about The Cliff House in Ogunquit? Or were you thinking somewhere in town? Oooh, what about The Lenox? There’s always The Mandarin, I know you like The Mandarin. Or maybe Crane Estate if you wanted something rural. Or Misselwood or Nantasket if you wanted the beach. Harrington Farm is gorgeous in the fall, so that’s an option, too.”
“Shannon.” He leaned forward and flattened his hands on my desk. “Stop it. Do not handle me. Do not spin this conversation. If you have a problem with me or Tiel, or me marrying Tiel, you need to get it out or get over it right now.”
“That’s not it. Not at all. I know it’s selfish, and I’m sorry, but…I wish you’d called me,” I said. “I wish you’d told me as soon as it happened. I wish you’d asked me to go ring shopping with you.”
Sam offered an impatient smile and eased back. “I didn’t exactly plan it out. I didn’t intentionally exclude you. And yesterday, well.” Sam laughed. “We got a little carried away.”
He was stingy with the details these days, and intensely protective of his relationship with Tiel. It was either respect the boundary lines or find myself locked out entirely. “I’m happy for you and Tiel. Really. Now when can we get together to celebrate? I’ll bring the champagne.”
“Soon, but…” he started, sighing, “I love you. You know that. But that doesn’t mean you can adopt our wedding as your new pet project. You hijacked Matt and Lauren’s wedding, but they were too busy to care. We want to do this our own way. Tiel will reach out to you, I can guarantee that, but she’ll do it on her time. She adores you, and I really appreciate how you’ve given her as much time as she needed to warm up to you, and everyone else. But that doesn’t mean you can smother her now.”
“I wasn’t trying to hijack anything. It’s your day, and I just wanted to help with—”
“Give Tiel some space. If she wants your opinion on these things, she’ll ask. Until then, I need you to take an enormous step back.”
Clasping my hands together to prevent my nails from sinking into my palms, I nodded. “Of course, Sam. Whatever you need. If there’s anything at all that I can do for either of you, just let me know.”