Charlotte

“I don’t think you should have done it at all. Of course, he’ll be pissed. Why did you do it anyway?” Catherine is full of questions which doesn’t surprise me. I would be too if it were something she had done.

I quickly told my sister what had gone on when she came over for dinner. After Kimberly had gone off to her playroom, we settled in with wine on the floor of the living room. It was one of those nights. I didn’t think I could keep that secret from Lowell forever, so I knew after he talked to Donnie about what he did, he would know. His ‘we need to talk’ text said it all. I wonder if it’s why Donnie hates me so much or wanted to see me fail so badly he would put my salon in jeopardy. I am only partially relieved I settled this because Lowell is a bigger problem in my mind, how he may feel has settled in the pit of my stomach.

“I didn’t feel like I had a choice. Where did you think all those things came from?” I ask, referring to when I spent the first of the money and the last of it. All of it, really.

“I thought you had savings or…couponed.” She sighs and finishes the first glass of her wine. I’m far into my second. “What did he say?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. All I know is that he said we need to talk. He should be here soon.” It was about thirty minutes ago.

“Hmm. Okay. I’m less angry with him now. Perhaps you’re even.” She smirks. Catherine has this funny look she gets especially late at night. In her matching cream white sweats, she looks as done for the day as I am. Except I didn’t have time to get out of my jeans and sweater.

“Not really. I don’t think anything is worse than what I did. It’s crazy, you know, it’s almost like I forgot. Until I found out this was all Donnie.”

“Reminded you of the money. I get it. Honestly, I wouldn’t even worry about Lowell.”

“Why?” I sip, or gulp, more of my wine.

“Because it’s obvious he’s in love with you. I mean he loves Kimberly, of course, he’s wrapped around her little finger. But you… God, it’s not fair. You’re the little sister. Someone should look at me that way before you.”

I half smile. “I never noticed,” I whisper to myself. And I really haven’t. When I think about Lowell during this time we’ve had together the past couple of months, I think over how good he is with Kimberly and only the physical parts we’ve had together because there hasn’t been much more than that. But if Catherine can see it from the single time she has been in the same room as us… I don’t know.

“I’m not surprised. Why can’t you be as simple as you were in college? And don’t use Kimberly as an excuse.” She nudges me with her hard knee. I frown at her and then soften my face.

“I don’t know. I was different back then.” The more I think about it, the easier it is to realize what I went through is more serious than I let it be at the time and even now.

I could never admit it to anyone at the time, even after, but I was in love with Lowell. Back then, he was older and highly sought after, but I didn’t care about that. He was funny and sweet, and I easily fell for him. I gave him so many parts of myself he doesn’t even know I did. When he left and didn’t tell me until he was gone, I was heartbroken. I had never been heartbroken before until then, and then I was shattered when I discovered I was pregnant by accident during summer vacation back at my parents’ house, and I went for a regular checkup. My mom was there, and the look on her face was original mortification, same with my dad when she came home shouting it to him. They were disappointed and embarrassed. I cried until Catherine came home a few weeks later and consoled both them and me. So, every time I thought about Lowell, I thought about the child I was carrying and also how he left me. I think the original hurt never went away, and I was spiteful over it. Donnie saw right through it. I could give him that much. He didn’t even have to see me to know and exploit the situation. But I know I was wrong. And I think it might even be illegal, but it’s probably the wine telling me.

“Fair enough.”

Catherine grills me further, her signature way of getting me to talk. I forget this is her profession and couldn’t get out of it if I tried. But at least I have dessert to further drown my sorrows. I leave her in the living room while I heat up the cherry pie in the oven when my phone rings. My heart skips a beat and patters for a second when I see the name on the screen.

“Hi, Lowell.” I breathe, practically exhaling with relief at the thought of talking to him. He is silent for so long I wonder if he is still there, but I hear him breathing on the other end. I drop the bright red knife I used for slicing the pie as I slide down the cabinet onto the floor.

“I’m sorry,” I finally say because he must know. He otherwise wouldn’t be asking this way.

“Are you coming over?” I ask him, ignoring the crack in my voice.

“It’s always me coming over there, isn’t it? Everything is on your terms as if I’m the bad guy here. Even before I found about this, I wasn’t.” He talks so fast his voice breaks, running out of breath before his words are finished. It cuts right through me, and I realize again I did wrong, more than once.

“I don’t… I don’t come to your house because of Kimberly, but that’s not the real problem here, Lowell.” I inhale deeply, the oven pre-heat timer behind me beeps, and I hardly register it. “I want to talk with you, in person.”

He is silent again probably also wondering if we can fix this. How could one honestly come back from what has happened to us? I don’t know. That’s my descriptor for the day.

“I have training tomorrow morning.”

“I meant the three of us, anyway, after Kimberly gets out of school.”

His voice softens a bit. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

“We can meet at the park. She likes to be outside after her piano lessons, which are every Tuesday and Thursday in her music block at school.”

“Okay. Yeah. See you then.”

“Lowell?” I think I’ve lost him when I say his name.

“Yeah?” he answers. I’ve never heard him sound so dejected. His voice is always masked in such a jovial tone, and he’s always come off as so happy. I know now I shouldn’t have thought of him that way. I shouldn’t have painted him as a one-dimensional man because he isn’t.

“I just… I’ll see you tomorrow.” I chicken out, but I don’t even know what I was planning to say.

“Bye, Charlotte.”

The literal click on the phone shuts my eyes as I breathe deeply, calming myself. If I cry in front of Catherine, I will never hear the end of it. She’ll shove sweets in my face and sleep over. Which isn’t a bad thing, but it makes me cry more.

“Where is the pie?” Catherine scowls at me when I walk back into the living room empty handed.

“It’s warming up. Lowell called.” I plop onto the plush cushion of the couch. It’s light gray and changes color when I rub it.

“Oh. What did he say?”

“Nothing really. I’ll see him tomorrow with Kimberly.”

“Oh. Good then. It will all be fine.” She grabs my face. “Smile. And stop worrying.”

It’s easier said than done.

But by the time I get to bed, I at least stop feeling the threat of tears in the back of my throat. Or I thought I had until the memory of Lowell lying next to me only that one time resurfaces, and I feel more alone than ever. I’ve never had to ask anyone to forgive me, not with something like this. I know Lowell will be around for Kimberly but… I want him around for me too.

The bright sun beams down over the cold in the air hitting my jeans and green sweater. For once, I straightened my hair because I was bored and anxious before picking up Kimberly. She showed me a new song she learned. I have it on a video I plan to archive. She hasn’t asked much about Lowell since he has been around for dinner. But I see it in her eyes when he leaves every night.

I know I want to be a real family where he doesn’t leave, and we both put her to bed every night.

I feel him before I see him, my eyes are trained on Kimberly walking across the balance totem blocks when he walks in front of the bench. Other parents are around, but it’s sparse. Lowell has shades on which hide half his face. He looks like a generic man in his jeans and gray Henley, but I know he isn’t.

“Hi.” I uncross my legs sitting awkwardly straight as I look up at him.

His lips twitch with a smile, but it doesn’t come through. His tough forearms are tense, and he relaxes his hands a few times before he sits next to me. I inhale his scent as soon as he does—warm and strong—it’s the feeling I get. My neck cranes as I look at him as if I haven’t seen him the day before last.

“Hey,” he gruffs. I wish I could see his eyes, but the last time we were both here, we were separated by the life he lives, and I think he would rather avoid that. But it’s nearly empty because it’s a weekday. I reach out and take them off myself, his eyes blaze bright and blue as I stare into them.

I have this strong urge to kiss him, to hug him, touch him in some way. It flows between us, and I know he feels the same way until it kind of dissolves as we both relax.

“Why did you name her Kimberly?”

“What?” I say so quickly because I didn’t expect him to ask me that. “Oh, um,” I gather myself and sigh under my breath. “It’s pretty weird. When I was pregnant with her, I had class at night and worked during the day, and I would come home, and the old toon shows would be showing Kim Possible, the show. One night I was watching it, and Ron had used her full name ‘Kimberly Ann Possible,’ and it was the first time she kicked. So, I named her Kimberly.” I shrug, and it was the first time I think I was excited about it. Not that I wasn’t before. But feeling her kick… if I close my eyes, I can still remember it.

Lowell hardly changes his expression. “What’s her middle name? I don’t even know.”

“I couldn’t think of anything,” I say apologetically though I know not everyone has one. I felt bad about it.

We both pass time for good measure, it seems.

“Would things have been different if I didn’t leave?” he asks after a while.

“Maybe. There’s always a maybe.”

“You wouldn’t have been alone.” His eyes soften at me, and I practically melt in front of him.

“How do you do that?” I crack a small smile. “Why do you do that?” He furrows his brows in confusion at me. “Since we met again, even when I was wrong, somehow you take all the… the blame for it. I don’t get it. You make me look like I did nothing wrong.”

“I don’t know. I guess it’s how I am with you.”

“Why?” I ask.

He parts his lips as if to say something, but he doesn’t. I realize I already know the answer, and it would be the same if he asked me.

“I know I was wrong, Lowell, to take the money. But back then I… my parents cut me off when they found out. My tuition, books, rent, food… they always paid for everything, and then I had nothing. The day I called and Donnie answered, I went back to school with everything I had left, thinking I had to take a gap year or something, but I still had my academic scholarship at least. Everything else… I started considering all my other options. But with what he offered, I could get everything I needed. And not have to wonder if… I didn’t want to ask you to come back.”

Lowell nods once when I stop, more to himself, I think. His eyes dart down and around before he focuses back on me, and I feel like a weight lifted when I confessed everything.

“I don’t know if I would have. I can tell you that. And maybe it’s why I try to take everything on because I have that guilt. It was… it’s more than what you think.” His brow ridge deepens when he looks away, his jaw tightens in pain. I reach out for his hand because I feel like I need to.

“I had a sister. Lily. She was four years younger than me, but I feel like she was a lot wiser than me.” His smile is sad, and I see the moisture in his eyes before he blinks it away. “Lily was always so happy, all the fucking time, every day. It made me happier, too, even though our family was shitty and had shitty circumstances to go along with it. But she never cared, even when she was old enough to know what was really going on. I started playing football in high school, and we couldn’t even go to school every day because we had to work to keep the lights on and the water running. So, when we were at home, she would help me run drills and stuff. She’s the reason I made quarterback. Got a scholarship. The NFL. Everything. No one else encouraged me.”

I think I start to realize what he’s saying before he does. But I know he needs to.

“When our parents died, I almost didn’t go off to college, but she practically forced me to. Neither of us were shaken up about it, those two—we didn’t miss them. I had a really good scholarship from the school and NCAA contract—off-campus housing, free board and tuition, and a monthly stipend. So, I took her with me. I was ready to play ball in college and then get a job and help her through school. But she always wanted me to go all the way. I don’t think I decided to until she… was gone. Lily got sick, really sick, really fast. She was only sixteen when she died. I was… fuck I don’t even know.” He rubs over his face and pulls his hair back before surfacing back and turning to look at me as if I ground him.

“I’m so sorry, Lowell.” I never would have guessed or suspected. So, to know he buried all that inside until now, I’m in shock.

“I wanted to keep her happy. It was hard when it first happened, but I realized what she would have wanted pretty quickly. And so, I did it. Kept playing. Stayed in school. Got a deal with the NFL. I never told anyone about her, but I’ve never forgotten her. Just… not everyone deserves to know about her.” He sighs, holding my hand tighter in his lap as he seems to relax more. He appears to have shed half his weight before me that I never noticed was even there.

“Maybe I went too far with all the endorsements and whatnot, but Lily was always so excited about it and always told me I would make it big. So, I don’t feel like I chose this life, or that I’m sacrificing things for it because I never was before. It’s… how I am now. I want her to be happy. Wherever she is.”

“I understand, Lowell. I… I’m so sorry you went through that.” I can’t even imagine losing Catherine. When I go a day without talking to her, I feel sick, and I don’t think we are even as close as Lowell and his sister were.

“Thank you… it’s gotten easier, but it will always be hard. Kimberly… she reminds me of her. Overly joyful, sometimes for no reason. I thought kids were that way, but Lily was sixteen and always smiling or laughing at something. I always wanted to be more like her.”

I smile as he does. It makes more sense to me now why Lowell is the way he is. Especially back in college, and even now, there was never a moment I wouldn’t laugh at something while we were together. His sister gave him joy and happiness, even still.

“I’m sure she would be very proud of you now.” I take his hand in both of mine, rubbing the back of his hand. He relaxes into me, his thigh brushing mine as he scoots closer.

“Yeah. I don’t want to think about the past anymore. All that shit with Donnie, everything else… I can’t change it. I want to move forward, and that includes you. And Kimberly. I don’t want to mess it up again.”

“Me either.” My heart swells with happiness.

“I’m still really sorry, though,” I add.

He smirks softly. “I know you did it because you felt like you had to. I never… I should have been more straight with how I felt about you back then. When I left, I felt like I was picking you or my future and what I wanted to do for Lily. I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you wouldn’t understand. It was easier to go even though I wanted you with me.”

I nod because I can’t say for sure that I would have. He raises my hand to his and kisses the back of it—both our apologies as good as sealed. Everything is back to normal.

“Now I need a new agent.” He releases a dramatic breath which makes me giggle. “Not the best time to go without one.”

I grin.

“I’m sure there are people ready to represent you.” I settle against his side, my body awakened to his again.

“I think Kimberly would be good.” He jokes. As if she heard her name, she whips her head around to us seeing him for the first time.

She starts to run across the park in her bright white sweater and blue jeans, her curly hair flowing behind her. It should be trimmed, but she really won’t let me. Lowell stands to take on her bundle of energy into his arms. Laughing as she smiles at him, he settles her on his hip and grins back at her.

At the moment, they look exactly alike. Kimberly fakes a scowl at him suddenly which he returns with mock bewilderment.

“Where have you been?”