I close the clasp on my watch at the same time I snap, “Do you know how much dick I had to suck to get tomorrow night off?”
Pax hums unimpressed. “You mean how much dick you had to prove was being sucked around the office to get you the night off?”
Cockily I chuckle, “Same shit.”
“Far from the fucking same, bro,” Pax joins in the laughter.
“Shut the fuck up and just say you’ll be here.” Tugging my black long sleeve down over my wrist, I bite, “We haven’t seen you since your birthday.”
Brunch was the only part I could get away for. I had to leave in a haste because the nanny at the time managed to let Sage wander off by herself to chase the ice cream man. Thankfully she was grabbed by Scott’s mother and kept her at their house a couple doors down, until I arrived.
“I’d be a bit more worried if I couldn’t remotely keep tabs on you. Speaking of which, do you ever clear your porn history?”
It’s a surprise his computer nor his dick have a virus. He’s always been into an array of kinky shit with a compilation of equally kinky women. Out of the four of us, my money bounces back and forth between him and Wyatt on who is most likely to end up with an STD named after them.
“Stop stalking me!”
I roll my eyes.
“You gotta cut that shit out.”
He should be grateful it hasn’t reached the level it would’ve in the past. Meena’s been occupying all my extra time. I haven’t had this much fucking sex since Beth and I first started dating. Unlike that, which mostly occurred between my hits of the blunt and whatever combination of various shit she swore would help take her to ‘enlightenment’, we’re always sober and it never feels like we get enough of each other. She came four times last night, and I still wanted to keep going. Had the sound of Lynk’s angry morning stomps not started we might’ve gotten caught, which is the last thing I want. After we finally hooked up during Sage’s nap time two weeks ago, we agreed anything that happened between us would be out of sight from little eyes. No kisses. No holding hands. No glances that would so much as imply she is anything other than their nanny. Like the god send she is, she understood completely my need to keep their stability intact and then stuck my dick between her lips to suck out the last bit of reluctance I had about our situation.
Hitting 1 has never felt so fucking good.
“Look,” Pax promptly clears his throat, “I know I’ve been a little distant-”
“No Mars is fucking distant, bro. You’re like Pluto. You’re so far out there we’ve revoked your planet status and are removing you from the textbooks.”
He grouses, “Space shit. Really?”
“Lynk’s taken a recent fascination in it. Blow me.”
Pax lets out a small chuckle and promises, “I’ll be there tomorrow tonight. We both will.”
Leaning my ass against my dresser, I question, “And by we I assume you mean your girlfriend that has you shopping for an engagement ring online late at night?”
“Boundaries bro!”
His tangent goes ignored. “How can you be shopping for an engagement ring for a woman none of us have met?”
I can imagine the cringe on his face.
“That’s fucked up. We’re supposed to be brothers.”
“It’s….complicated.”
Meena’s face appears around the door frame making me unconsciously sigh, “Tell me about it…” Without letting him have the opportunity to question the change in my tone, I say, “We’ll see you tomorrow. Wyatt expects everyone here by four. You know what an obnoxious little shit he becomes when anyone’s late to his cooking show.”
Pax grumbles, “We’ll be there on time. We’ll bring a bottle of something.”
She wets her glossed lips slowly, enters my bedroom, and shuts the door behind her.
I end the call without bothering to agree or disagree over his last statement. It doesn’t matter if he brings a bottle or a keg or the whole fucking liquor store. The only thing I’m gonna get fucked up on is toying with my sanity in a pair of low rise jeans and a tight brown sweater.
“Kids all packed?”
“Almost. Sage is struggling to decide which Ponies to take to show Sybil, and Lynk packed last night so we didn’t have to grab him from school, then come home to pack, delaying his time with them even more. He’s still pissed you made him to go to school at all.”
Folding my arms across my chest, I shrug. “It’s a half day. He still needed to go for the couple hours they required.”
“His teacher said it would’ve been fine. They were just going to watch a movie.”
“Aren’t you the one who’s a stickler for routines and schedules?”
She drags her finger across the edge of my stomach, right above my jeans where the Catwoman claw mark tattoos are embedded. “I’m also the one who knows when it’s time to work and when it’s time to play.”
My dick begins to lengthen at the word choice.
This whole birthday bash was primarily her idea. She convinced me to not only request off for tomorrow night, but to let the kids spend the entire weekend with their grandparents. Of course Arthur and Sybil couldn’t say yes fast enough, while Murphy took a little more encouragement to give me the day to celebrate. When Wyatt heard we wouldn’t be interrupted by the sound of The Beast dinging for my attention, he declared the entire day to be devoted to showcasing his skills by creating a day of odes to our college years. If it were up to me, we would just do dinner and I would spend all the other hours in the day, fucking the shit out of my girlfriend, but I was somehow overruled in spite of the fact it’s my birthday.
Acknowledging her as more than just the woman I’m sleeping with fills me with equal parts dread and delight.
Shouldn’t I be more apprehensive?
Shouldn’t I be more worried about what happens when things fall apart? How it’ll effect my kids?
Do I even deserve to be happy after what I did to their mother?
Do I even deserve to keep pressing 1 as if it’s the only thing I know how to do?
“Estás bien?”
I force a smile onto my face and lie, “Yeah. I’m good…”
Her eyebrows dart down along with her jaw. Thankfully she gets interrupted by a bouncing ball of a joy, “I’m ready to see grandma and grandpa!”
After one glance at her, the smile becomes real. All of her blonde hair is pulled to the side in a high ponytail, her neon pink shirt has a gray boom box on it to match her leggings, and her sneakers keep lighting up.
My attention falls back to Meena who is bubbling with giddiness. “Did you do this?”
Innocently, she asks, “Do what?”
“Dress her like she’s one gold chain away from rapping ‘It’s Tricky’.”
The moment the accusation leaves my lips she starts singing the hook. Sage, my little music monster, immediately starts bobbing her head along like she knows the words. Meena takes her hands and starts dancing with her in beat to the words she’s dropping. My daughter erupts into giggles. Afterwards, she’s swooped up and bounced along to the continued rapping.
I shake my head unable to do anything besides grin like a lunatic.
Every time I see Meena with them an uncontrollable elation expands through my entire system. It’s happened from the very beginning. Back then, when Beth was alive, it made me feel like an asshole, like the world’s worst father and husband to love that there was a woman who I knew enjoyed being around my son. Now? Now it gives me hope. Now I’m desperate for them to have the type of love I can’t provide, but know they need. Seeing her love, protect, and even parent them like they’re ours, rather than just mine, actually turns me the hell on. And the day she was holding Sage, the way a mother should her sick child, shoved me over the edge.
I want Meena to be in their lives.
I want her to be their mother…
That scares the shit out of me.
“You know what?” Meena’s beautiful voice pulls me out of my own head. “I’m gonna go put on my Adidas.”
Curiosity jumps onto my expression. “You own Adidas?”
“I bought a pair when I bought Sage this outfit and yours and Lynk’s Nightwing t-shirts.”
She even spends her spare money on them. Something their actual mother always complained about.
The shirt was part of an early birthday present. This morning she gave me the other half, which was a series of photos of me with the kids in Batman themed frames. She suggested hanging them in the wall by the office since there’s none that close to the ‘Bat Cave’.
It blows my mind the way she spends cash on me and puts effort into the little things…
Beth never bought me real presents for my birthday. Booze. Dro. Molly. All of those on the other hand were always an option. Didn’t matter that we had a no hard shit policy for parties at The Row. She’d just insist we pop it before everyone started showing up.
Resentment towards Beth starts to swirl around my mind, and I quickly attempt to ignore it. “Tell me you at least left the hat at the store.”
Meena snickers at the Run DMC reference. With a crooked smirk, she looks at Sage in her arms and begins to make an exit, “Wanna listen to the canción I was just singing in the car?”
“Si!”
I follow behind the two of them, laughing at Sage’s inability to follow the beat Meena has started humming again.
Once I’ve loaded the children’s luggage into my SUV and Meena’s buckled Sage in, the three of us get in route for Lynk’s private school.
As soon as we arrive in the already long line, I grouse, “Damn. I forgot how long these stupid things are.”
Meena rolls her beautiful face my direction. “Tu culpa. He could’ve skipped today.”
Casually, I tuck my other fingers away to expose my middle finger against the steering wheel.
She laughs yet sexily says, “Toda la noche, mi corazón.”
Instinct betrays my logical response. “I love when you call me that.”
In a quiet voice not to be heard over the music, she confesses, “I love that you are that.”
Is it too early for declarations like that? Too early for I love yous? Too early to be this…fucking committed to a woman who basically just came back into my life at the beginning of August? This is the problem when you let your dick get involved in a more frequent role in your life. I know Nate said moving on was okay, but moving on this fast can’t possibly have any other ending other than one where we crash and burn. Beth and I jumped into our relationship quickly, but it was on accident. Sometimes I don’t even think we would’ve lasted as long as we did had she not gotten pregnant. Our time together never felt wrong, but it never felt like this. It was never this easy. It never made this much fucking sense no matter how much I wanted it to. It never felt like I had known her my entire life. Like she was a piece I didn’t know was lost until it was found.
Finally, after waiting in an unmoving line for twenty minutes, in which Murphy bothers me twice, we make progress.
As soon as Lynk is in our view, Sage starts to squeal, “I see Lynk, Daddy! I see Lynk.”
Her excitement banishes the previous annoyance and I lean to the side to get an eye on him too. To no surprise, he’s leaned against a pillar laughing with Scott over a comic book they’ve got opened. Out of all of the friends Lynk has, Scott is definitely the one I’m most comfortable with him having. He’s a nerd. It’s not said with hate or disdain, it’s just there’s not a better term for it. He’s got red curly hair, thick glasses, and wheezes when he gets excited. Sports are the enemy, comic books are worth all of his time next to video games, and his parents are fairly decent human beings. His mother’s ‘secret credit card’ to purchase designer handbags isn’t really that alarming nor is his father’s weekly ‘poker nights’ which are actually just Dungeons and Dragon gatherings he doesn’t want her to know about. The family poses no threat, which is what matters most. I know I can’t pick his friends for him, but it doesn’t mean I can’t know everything possible to help prevent him from getting wrapped up where he doesn’t belong.
I won’t let him have the life I did growing up.
That’ll always be a fucking 0.
We pull up to the last pillar they have a parent volunteer standing by and roll down the window. Meena doesn’t even have to flash her badge to the woman before she’s calling Lynk over.
Prepared to bitch her out about breaking protocol, I lean over, yet I am swiftly stopped by the feeling of Meena’s hand on my thigh. “Hey, Kathy! How’s Donovan doing? Any better?”
“You are so sweet to ask,” the brunette coos in return while opening Lynk’s car door. “He’s still sick, but John stayed home so I could do my round of volunteering at least one day this week.” She leans over to look at me. “Hello, Mr. Reiss!”
“Hello Kathy.”
I feel Meena called her out by name to prematurely help me.
I…may have needed it…
“We’ve missed seeing you this school year so far, but you should know Meena is marvelous!”
She quietly echoes her cheerleader. “Maravilloso.”
“Truly wonderful. I know she’ll be helping with the Halloween party next week, but will you be there too?”
“Yeah, Dad!” Lynk leans over from the back seat. “Are you coming?”
With all eyes on me, I cave from the pressure, “Yeah. Definitely.”
Kathy gives me an oversized grin, steps away from the car, and waves.
Once upon a time going wouldn’t have even been a question anyone would’ve asked. I showed up for as much shit as possible. I volunteered when I could. I knew what was going on all the time every day because my face had to be glued to their calendar. I was the only person they could rely on. Now there’s two of us. I don’t have to bear the weight of it all alone, but that doesn’t mean I want to be on the sidelines. I’m not Beth. I actually want to be involved.
We pull out of the school lot at the same time I ask, “You volunteered?”
She removes her hand from where it was lingering. “Yeah. They needed another parent to help supervise, and I agreed to help do the shopping for the party.”
“But no candy corn!” Lynk interjects. “It’s gross.”
“People like candy corn on Halloween,” Meena chuckles.
“Candy corn is gross,” I agree with my son. “And when did you do that?”
“When I went up to see Lynk’s presentation about Mars.”
The one I had to miss because Brewster wanted to waste my time ranting about her fear of a possible leak in the task force. There isn’t. She’s just pissy her Christmas timeline is a fucking unrealistic goal and that I won’t buy into it.
“His is from to 2-3, but we’ll leave about twenty minutes early to get over to Sage’s school to see their parade and enjoy her party from 3 until we’ve had enough. Then we come home, get them something quick to eat-”
“Hot dogs!” Sage suggests.
“Pizza.” Lynk argues.
“-and change for trick or treating.”
She said we more than once.
I love how it sounds.
It’s perfect.
“Gonna be a busy day,” I mutter.
“Can we change the canción? I hate this one,” Lynk complains.
“I love it,” Sage whines. “Glitter bug!”
He grumbles and I give him a glance in the rearview mirror. “Why don’t you tell us about what you and grandpa are gonna do this weekend? He mention anything special?”
Lynk launches into a full enthusiastic rant as I accelerate onto the highway. I listen on intently about their plans to go to the country club to hit golf balls, to go swimming in their heated pool, and bowling. With every passing word his excitement becomes clearer and clearer and my guilt over keeping them apart wedges deeper and deeper.
“Grandpa said he would buy me all new soccer gear if I make the next level team in the spring,” he announces.
The slip of information lifts my eyebrows. “Next level?”
“Yeah, coach says I’m good enough to play with the kids a year above me. He wants me to try out.” He doesn’t pause for input. “It’ll be so cool if I make it! They practice two days a week, games every weekend, and they go out of town for tournaments!”
My grip tightens on the steering wheel. “I….I don’t know about that, Lynk.”
“Why not?” His defense is instant. “You don’t think I’m good enough?!”
“I didn’t say that-”
“You don’t think I can make it?!”
“I-”
“I’m good, Dad! I’m really good!”
“I know-”
“You’ve seen me play! I always make the most shots!”
“Lynk-”
“I can make that team!”
“Stop yelling!”
“You’re not listening!”
“You’re not letting me talk!”
“You’re not-”
“¡Suficiente!” Meena intrudes.
Both of us do as she commands, though my heaving chest doesn’t take the advice.
Sage giggles and repeats the word just as loudly.
I surrender a smile to her love of new sounds.
Once Sage returns to singing along to Prince, Meena calmly states, “Lynk, give your father a chance to explain his reasoning.”
“Fine.”
I shoot her a glance of gratitude. “Two days of practice is more commitment, Lynk. I don’t want you so wrapped up in sports your grades start to slip.”
Also, don’t want him traveling for tournaments, but that seems like a completely different topic for another time.
Lynk grouses, “They’ll be fine.”
“Fine? Lynk until this year I was lucky you passed.”
“But I’m passing now! My grades are really good!”
“Compromise,” Meena encourages.
In unison we snap, “How?”
“Let Lynk prove to you he can handle it. If he makes all As on the session before try outs, you let him at least try. If he makes it, then he has to keep at least all Bs on his reports or he gets pulled from the team.”
End of last year I would’ve laughed in her face and easily agreed. He was barely making it through. Now? Now he has a real shot at hitting those goals.
“I can do it,” Lynk swears. “I can make all As, Dad! I can keep Bs too!”
We pull up to the gate of their grandparent’s neighborhood. “Deal. You make As, you can try out. You make the team, you have to get Bs or I’ll yank you off and that’s the end of soccer until middle school. Got it?”
“Yes! Yes!” Just as I enter the code, Lynk says, “Hey Miss Meena, me ayudaras por favor?”
“Of course.”
I pin her with a scowl. “Did he just ask you to help him in Spanish?”
“Si.” She playfully shrugs. “Never said I wouldn’t help him accomplish those things.”
Her smile drags out my own and we cross into the neighborhood.
Our drive requires us to head for the back end of the community where the homes all possess views of the lake. Meena seems unimpressed by the houses, which throws my mind into a frenzy it shouldn’t.
Last man she was with was a Duke. Before that some pilot who flew luxury planes for celebrities. Clearly, she’s been around this level of opulence, but I don’t know if she misses it. If hanging out with us in the suburbs is enough. I hate the idea she’ll get bored and jet off to a more thrilling adventure.
I loathe the thoughts of her leaving me.
Leaving them.
Us.
We follow the driveway until we’re right in front of their door. The four of us climb out and I begin gathering their things. Sage snatches Meena’s hand while Lynk assists with the suitcases. My mind jumps off the fear train for an unwanted frolic down memory lane.
I remember the first time I came to this house.
The first time we got high in it.
The first time we had sex in the pool.
Lynk rushes for the front door, but I begin to drag my feet, more memories of Beth bouncing around.
Sage rings the doorbell, and we’re greeted quickly by one of the maids.
Seconds later, Arthur appears with a warm smile on his wrinkled face. Almost instantaneously, an image of Beth appears in my mind, her face peering over his shoulder, smiling, blue eyes glazed over in a combination of inebriation and love.
My heart doesn’t waste time to ache.
“There are my grandkids!”
“Grandpa!” They hug him in unison, Sage shifting into his arms, and Lynk warmly wrapping around his waist.
He turns his attention to me. The familiar shades of blue that haunt every choice I make, hit me. “Good to see you, Holden!”
“You too, Arthur.”
His smile hits Meena. “And you’re-”
“The help,” I callously comment.
Arthur’s face frowns as he glances at me. “I was going to say Meena.”
Regret wreaks havoc yet I don’t bother to fix the situation at this time.
My girlfriend doesn’t miss a beat. “Yup. Meena, the help, apparently. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you in person, sir.”
“You can still call me Arthur.”
“Thank you, Arthur. It’s a pleasure to meet you as well.” She offers a sweet smile and takes a step back. “I’m gonna go wait in the car. Give you all some…space.”
The children say together, “Adiós, Miss Meena!”
“Adiós pequeños. Que te diviertas!”
“Si!”
Arthur chortles quite pleased. “I bet you two are getting really good with your Spanish. Think you can teach this old man some?”
Lynk and Sage agree, which is when Sybil rounds the corner.
“Grandma!!!” Sage squeaks first, echoed by her brother.
I let my eyes fall on what I imagine Beth would’ve eventually blossomed into. A sickness over the fact she never will churns my stomach, and I press my lips together to keep it in.
As they smother her in hugs, Arthur gives me a good pat on the shoulder. “You two don’t wanna stay? Have a late lunch? Maybe a cocktail?”
“No.” I peel my attention away from Sybil. “We have plans.”
“Together?”
“Um…” Guilt grabs my vocal chords with force.
“Because that’s alright,” Arthur quietly reassures. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with moving on.”
Then why do I feel like a fucking asshole for bringing my new girlfriend here? Like I’m spitting on her fucking grave?
Instead of replying I simply nod and call out, “Come give me hugs goodbye.”
Both kids run back to me while Arthur drags their stuff inside. We hug, kiss, exchange I love yous as well as promises to call for goodnights.
They all wish me a happy early birthday, and I slowly make my way back to the SUV.
The moment I shut the door with me inside, I apologize, “I’m sorry. That was…a dick thing to say.”
Meena’s attention doesn’t move from where it is planted out the wind shield.
I repeat the sentiment, “I’m really sorry, baby. That was…I shouldn’t have said that.”
When she still doesn’t respond, I let out a defeated sigh, and start the vehicle.
Along the drive home she remains stoically silent shoving shame further down my soul than it’s ever been.
What the fuck was I thinking? Why the fuck did I say that? Why the hell can’t I just be okay moving on? How can I want her here in my life permanently, but push her away every chance I get?
As soon as my SUV is parked in the driveway beside her car, she hops out and storms towards it.
I barely manage to get the keys out of the ignition in time to make an attempt to stop her. “Meena wait-”
“Espera a lo que egoísta culo? ¿Para que me llames a la doncella?”
The bite in her tone implies the translation of her words is probably vicious.
Which I deserve.
My hand reaches out for hers. “I-”
She quickly snatches it away and shouts, “Puedes irte a ti mismo por todo lo que me importa. Quítate de mi rostro, inútil cobarde!”
There’s no time to plead any further.
Meena yanks her car door open, throws herself along with her small wrist purse inside, and reverses out of my driveway.
A low, heavy grumble leaves me. “Fuck…”
This would be the shittiest way to end my fucking 20s. I hope like hell she just needs a couple hours to blow off steam. If this causes her to quit, this will be another regret I’ll never forgive myself for.
I already have one.
I don’t need a second.