“I can’t believe I forgot about the lime,” I said. But I hadn’t forgotten-forgotten, like the way I’d forgotten I liked eating meat and my parents were separated and Matt was my boyfriend. This particular detail—so small and insignificant in the grand scheme—had been pushed aside. Easily retrievable with a little reminiscence therapy, which was what Daniel and I were up to tonight.
There was a brief flit of guilt in my belly as I thought about Matt and his reaction when I asked for extra lime in my drink at Jake’s party, and the tequila shots from the other night (this must have been what I was remembering about the lime), but I pushed it aside.
“I shouldn’t be surprised, though. My brain is a bit of a mess.” I tried to laugh, but it got caught in my throat.
“You okay, Lucy?” Daniel asked gently. “Maybe I shouldn’t have brought up the lime thing? Let you live in blissful denial?” He was trying to make me smile, and it worked.
“It’s not the lime thing,” I said, my smile fading. “I got blindsided by something today, and, well...” I held up my drink. “Let’s say I needed this Dark and Stormy tonight.”
“So what happened?” Daniel asked, holding up two fingers for the bartender before turning his gaze back on me. I saw his ring then, and my head was spinning and I felt unpleasantly warm. I looked away from his hand, from the ring and what it meant.
“I found out my parents are separating. Or are already separated, months ago.”
“Ah, I’m sorry. You didn’t have any idea?”
“I guess I did,” I said. “But I don’t remember, and they’ve been keeping up this whole ‘we’re still happy and together’ charade since I got out of the hospital. My mom is even dating apparently.” I shuddered, and Daniel laughed.
“This is not funny,” I said, though the smile crept back onto my face.
“The nerve of our parents, doing things we don’t like,” he quipped, and I laughed. “My parents should have split years ago. Neither of them is happy, but after Nan left Gramps it created such a mess within the family my mom once made the comment being unhappy was part of being married. A ‘suck it up, buttercup’ arrangement.” He raised one eyebrow, smirked. “Nice, right?”
“That’s sad,” I said.
“It is sad. But my grandparents got back together and now they act like newlyweds, so who the hell knows.”
“They got back together? Huh. Maybe there’s hope for my parents yet.”
“Nan and Gramps married when they were seventeen,” Daniel said. “Nan said she needed to ‘know’ another man, aside from my grandfather. It was apparently on her bucket list.” He cringed and I chuckled. “Look, I’m sorry you’re going through this with your parents, Luce. They always seemed so solid.”
“I know. And it sucks. But the worst was finding out they’ve been lying about it. Plus, everyone else knew and kept it from me, too.” I picked up my third Dark and Stormy, which had magically appeared in front of me. “There’s nothing worse than being the last to find out.”
“I bet,” he said, draining his glass. I wasn’t sure if he was ahead of me or not at this point, but he definitely seemed less intoxicated than I was.
“You want to know the shitty truth?” I asked.
“Always,” Daniel said. “Hit me.”
“I have no idea what other secrets are locked inside my brain. They could be big. Important, life-changing secrets. And what if I never remember?” I said. “What if I can never trust my memory again?”
He sighed, shook his head. “I don’t know, Lucy.”
I held up my glass a bit sloppily, and some of the drink spilled over its edge. “And the award for the most honest reply yet goes to Daniel London!”
Daniel chuckled as he watched me try to mop up the spill with a tiny napkin. “I think you need another drink,” he said.
“Ha! That’s probably the last thing I need. But why the hell not?” I said, slurring a little now. “One more couldn’t hurt.”
“That’s the spirit,” Daniel said, and soon we had another round going and I was sucking it back like it was water.
The rum had loosened my tongue and so my curiosity finally won out. “Where’s Margot tonight?” I asked when there was a lull in our conversation. I hoped my tone sounded light and nonloaded, even though I was quivering slightly on my stool.
“She’s out,” he said. “Girls’ night.” He was saying something else, about someone’s birthday or something, but I was fixated on his lips. I had the sense everything would be all right if I moved closer...closer again...
“Easy, Lucy.” Daniel laughed as he helped me right myself after I nearly slid off my stool. “As much as I’m enjoying this, maybe it’s time to call it a night?”
“Prob’ly good idea,” I said, my words blending together. Daniel paid our tab and tucked his arm through mine as we left the bar. I let him take some of my weight because it turned out that last drink had in fact been a terrible idea, and I swayed more than walked back to my place.
“So what is the lovely Margot doing these days?” I asked, like it was perfectly ordinary to discuss her. Like it didn’t hurt me to say her name, to know she filled the space in Daniel’s life I believed was mine even though it wasn’t. “She wanted to be a professor, didn’t she? Is she teaching or something?” I was trying hard to be coherent, but it was a battle I wasn’t winning.
Daniel shook his head, used his free hand to pull his collar up higher against the chill. “You’ll never believe it, but she’s an interior designer now. Does some TV work, too.”
“Shut up!” I slapped his arm but missed and lost my balance. Daniel put a firm hand on mine, which was clutching his arm for support. “You’re kidding. Television, eh?”
He laughed, took a step back so we were side by side again, and I had mostly regained my balance. “I told you it was unbelievable.”
“But...but...she used a sleeping bag instead of sheets when we were at school! Hated having her picture taken. She always used to hold her hands in front of her face during photos, said smiling on demand was demeaning.”
“I know.” Daniel let out an even bigger laugh this time. “That was a long time ago.” He smiled at me, and a flutter filled my belly. I couldn’t stop staring at him, the feelings inside me swirling and growing, at least in part thanks to all those drinks.
“You should see how many accent pillows are on our bed now. It takes me five minutes to move them every night.” He didn’t sound like he minded, though, and again I was hit with the truth that Daniel had married Margot. He chose her, even though I was the one who used to wear an engagement ring he put there.
The sadness was swift and crushing, and I started walking faster for fear if I didn’t I would sit on the cold sidewalk and cry. “You sound happy,” I said, because it was true, and though it hurt me to know the reality of Daniel’s life now, I was glad for him. Wanted him to be content with his life.
“I am. Life is pretty sweet,” he replied. “Though I could do without the pillows, if I’m being totally honest.” I smiled and tucked my chin into my coat, which allowed me to let my smile drop without him noticing.
Things were quiet between us as we walked the last block to my place, and I slowed as we approached the front steps of the building. “This is me,” I said, pulling my arm out from his.
Daniel looked at the building. “Nice place. I remember when they were building these.” I followed his gaze, appreciated again how much I loved where I lived. It was an old bank that had been converted into four loft town houses, with exposed brick and beams inside and plenty of character on the facade. “Bet it’s great inside.”
I bit my lip, held in the desire to say, You know it is, because even if my mind tried to remind me this was our place, Daniel had never stepped into my building. “It is” was all I said instead.
“Thanks for the drinks, and the walk home,” I added, thinking in any other scenario this would be when I invited him up for another glass of something neither of us needed.
“It was nice to hang out,” Daniel replied, sensing none of my conflict, blowing into his gloved hands and jumping a couple of times to stay warm. “We should do it again.”
“We should,” I replied, though I didn’t think that would be the best thing. For me, anyway, because there was too much between us and I could still feel the current connecting me to Daniel. I wondered if he could feel the threads, too. “Well, okay. Good luck with the studying. I hope you aren’t up all night now.”
“Don’t worry about me,” he said. “I’ve got all weekend.” And still, he didn’t leave, as if there was no other place in the world he’d rather be.
I did it without thinking, and it shocked both of us.
He took a quick step back and placed his fingers to his lips (which I had just kissed) and I stammered an apology, suddenly sobered, followed by a quick goodbye before nearly running up the stairs to the front door. But Daniel was right behind me, gently holding my arm, and he turned me to face him before I made it through the door. I was mortified by my lack of judgment, my lack of respect for Matt, Daniel, even Margot.
“Lucy, wait,” Daniel said, his voice gruff. “It’s okay.”
I shook my head, tears close. “It’s not okay.” Even though I couldn’t seem to separate the truth from memory, I was still in charge of my decisions. And I couldn’t blame anyone else for what had led me to kiss my ex-fiancé in front of the condo I shared with my current boyfriend.
“I’m sorry,” I said again, pulling away from Daniel. “I shouldn’t have come out tonight. And I should never have...” I left it at that, because we both knew what I was apologizing for. I looked into his face, saw compassion there and something else. Pity, I thought, which made my insides feel as chilled as my outsides.
“You’re married. I have Matt. Who is sleeping upstairs and has no idea I’m out with you tonight and has been perfect through everything and doesn’t deserve any of this.”
“Please, don’t cry, Lucy,” he said. “What’s really going on with you?”
I let out a sharp laugh, and Daniel looked confused. And then I did the second thing I knew I’d probably regret later—I told him the truth about my memory.
There were a few moments of stunned silence as I stood there, shaking with the cold and adrenaline, as Daniel searched for the right thing to say. “That explains a few things,” he finally offered, and then he smiled that smile of his and I felt like everything might be okay. Soon we were laughing, so hard tears streamed down my face from the release, and I held my stomach as I tried to catch my breath.
“God, I needed that,” I said, taking in a deep breath. The cold air tickled my throat as I gulped in a few desperate breaths, but it felt good.
“So, when you say you remember us being married, you mean you have a memory of the actual wedding? The one that didn’t happen?”
“Yes, I have this very vivid memory of our wedding.”
“No kidding,” Daniel said, eyes widening. “And it feels real? Like, really real?”
“Honestly it feels as real as all my other memories,” I said. “It’s been somewhat confusing, to say the least.” This last part I added quietly, because I was feeling exposed in a way I wasn’t prepared for.
He exhaled loudly, as if he had been holding his breath. “And the award for the biggest understatement of the night goes to...Lucy Sparks!” He was trying to inject some levity into the moment, but his voice fell flat by the end.
“I didn’t plan on telling you about, you know, all this.” I gestured in circles beside my head. “I know it’s weird, and I’m sorry to lay it all on you tonight.”
“I’m not sure exactly what to say, Lucy.”
I grabbed his arms with vise-grip-like fingers. “Nothing. You don’t need to say a thing. Daniel, you know I don’t expect anything, right?” I shook my head, released his arms when I realized how tightly I was hanging on. “Okay, that didn’t come out the way... Sorry, I meant I don’t want you to do anything.” I groaned and he laughed, which made me feel immensely better. “Like I said, things are a bit of a mess. Can we pretend none of this ever happened?”
“Lucy, stop. It’s okay. It’s not what I was expecting you to say obviously, and I can’t say I totally get what’s happened here, but it’s fine. I’ve forgotten all about it already. Promise.”
“Phew, good,” I said, nodding, trying to act like what had transpired between us was meaningless and insignificant. Which to Daniel it likely was, at least in the long run, but for me...well, it confused me even more and I felt like a million fire ants were crawling under my skin. I shivered violently.
“Are you going to be okay to get upstairs?” he asked. “You’re pretty drunk.”
“Oh, I’m long past drunk,” I said, snort-laughing as I did. I clapped a hand to my mouth, embarrassed by the outburst, but Daniel smiled. “But I’m okay. Hey, thanks again for being so great tonight.”
“Anytime,” he said. “Honestly, anytime.” My chest constricted and I forced myself to key in the door code without looking back at him, to step through the door and have it close behind me, only then turning to wave a final goodbye to Daniel, assuming it would be the last time we saw each other.