August 2000…

The heavy, humid air was a blanket on Drew’s chest, the weathered wood dock solid beneath his back, and if he concentrated, really concentrated, he could tune out the voices in his head and focus on the sounds all around him - the lake water lapping against the pylons below, the drone of the night insects going about their business, the rise and fall of the wind as it stirred the leaves on the trees.

“Drew, you fucking fag.”

Okay, so maybe tuning out was an overstatement, because the voices in his head were loud and sounded very much like Parker Galbreath’s taunts from earlier that night.

The athletic director here at Camp Burgess - a sweet, pretty, unbelievably-earnest college student named Katrina who somehow managed to put up with dozens of idiot teenagers like Parker gawking and catcalling her all summer long - sometimes talked about positivity and intentional breathing, so Drew was trying his level best to inhale peace and creative life force, while exhaling negativity. But he was pretty sure there were limits to what yoga breathing could accomplish.

The pain in his stomach made him gulp down a sob, and he pushed himself up to sit, wrapping his arms around his knees and knuckling the moisture from his eyes because he was fourteen fucking years old and he’d be damned if he’d cry, even when there was no one there to see.

The world was wide and ancient, he reminded himself. And his life would be far longer than this one miserable summer, way bigger than Camp Burgess, and filled with guys who were not Sebastian Seaver.

Raucous laughter sounded across the water from the left bank of the lake, shattering the peace of the night, and Drew couldn’t stop his traitorous ears from listening for one distinctive voice he’d always been able to pick out of a crowd. Would Sebastian be over there laughing with the other guys? With Parker?

Drew inhaled deeply and turned his head away, not wanting to catch even a glimpse of the bonfire he knew was set up on the beach there.

The Burgess Bonfires were a camp tradition, he’d learned back in July, when his mother and Mrs. Seaver had dropped him and Bas off with lovingly packed suitcases and stern instructions to “be careful.” Careful hadn’t been the plan for either of them, though. They’d been way too thrilled at the freedom of being off by themselves for a whole summer, away from anyone else who knew them. Bas, Drew knew, had been excited to play a role besides genius nerd. Drew had just been excited to spend every free minute with Bas who didn’t always get social things and relied on Drew to guide him. He’d been confident this summer would be no different.

But it had been.

Drew touched his forehead to his knees as his mind tracked back over the past six weeks, trying to figure out when it had all started to go wrong - what he had done to make it go wrong.

There’d been the first dinner - the one where Parker announced that being a Seaver made Bas a gamer geek, as if Bas being the stunningly brilliant son of America’s richest tech genius was in any way a bad thing. It had been so obvious to Drew that Parker was jealous of Bas - of his famous family, his artfully messy hair, his stunning blue eyes, and the broad-shouldered, loose-limbed grace that had made Ella Flores flirt with him all afternoon, but Sebastian hadn’t seen it. And the second Drew had opened his mouth to blast Parker with a witty retort, Sebastian had stopped him with a glare, flushed beet red, and spouted some made-up bullshit about nearly failing a class this past spring because he’d been drinking too much.

Drinking.

When Bas had never had more than a couple glasses of wine in his life.

While Drew had gaped across the table at him, and Parker had slapped Bas on the shoulder jovially, Bas’s wounded eyes had begged Drew not to deny it, so Drew had kept his mouth shut and hadn’t brought it up since.

Then there’d been the obstacle course a few weeks after that, where the campers divided into two-person teams competing to solve problems designed to challenge them both physically and mentally. There had been no doubt in Drew’s mind that he and Bas would be an unstoppable team - Drew was a strong athlete, Bas was easily the smartest guy in camp, and they communicated like they’d been best friends forever, because they had. So, he’d walked across the green and taken his spot next to Sebastian, who’d been laughing with Parker, Jason, and a bunch of other guys Drew didn’t particularly like, and he’d asked, “Who’s on our team?” Bas had hesitated, his eyes flickering quickly to Parker and Jason. “Oh, you’re on McMann’s team?” Jason had snickered, shoulder-checking Parker like he’d made some kind of joke. “Good luck, buddy.” Bas hadn’t said a word, but his shoulders had gotten tight and he’d barely said a word to Drew for the rest of the day, even when they’d won.

And then things had gotten worse and worse until finally…

Yesterday.

It had been cold and rainy - one of those weird autumn days that crop up in a New England summer - so Drew had let Ella and Colleen drag him to their art thing in the afternoon, rather than swimming in the lake with most of the others. Drew had learned weeks before not to seek Bas out for activities, since he insisted on hanging with idiots, and other than seeing each other in passing in the bunk room or at meals, they barely spoke anymore. So, he’d sat at a table in the community room, silently staring out the window at the rain, while the girls painted seashells and chatted about the bonfire. The one and only reason Drew was looking forward to the party was because then this fucking camp would be over, and maybe he’d get his friend back.

And then Bas had staggered in, drunk off his ass.

Drew had jumped up to help him, but Bas had waved him off and hobbled over to take the seat next to Drew, his bright, flirtatious eyes locked on Ella across the table.

“I fell off the dock,” he’d told them, lapping up the girls’ sympathetic cries. “Managed to twist my ankle on the way down.”

Drew had stared incredulously at this guy who looked like Bas and sounded like Bas, but in every other way was a shadow image of the Sebastian Seaver Drew knew.

“And here I hoped you’d decided you wanted to come paint with us,” Ella had teased.

“Shhhh. That may have been the real reason,” Bas had whispered, grabbing a paintbrush with a wink and getting to work on one of the stupid plastic seashells from the stack the girls were painting.

Ella had giggled, and Drew hadn’t been able to stop himself from rolling his eyes. “Yeah, Bas is a huge fan of art.”

“Fuck off, McMann,” Sebastian had groused, but he’d smiled at Drew, really smiled, for the first time in weeks, and that had made Drew relieved… and bold.

“See? So cultured.” Drew had smirked at Colleen, and that was why he’d missed the giant glob of blue paint Bas flung at his face.

The girls had promptly moved, screaming with laughter, but Bas was hobbled by his stupid ankle, and couldn’t move a muscle as Drew retaliated, red paint splattering on Bas’s chin and t-shirt. “Very Jackson Pollock,” he’d announced.

“You will pay,” Bas had growled, grabbing a fistful of paint in one hand, and Drew’s head in the other, before smashing them together, smearing sunny yellow all over Drew’s cheeks and mouth.

Drew had pretended to sputter, waiting for Bas to smirk at the girls before grabbing his best friend by the chin, and dragging their cheeks together.

Laughing, giggling, smushing paint all over each other’s hair and faces like the little kids they used to be, they hadn’t noticed when the rest of the guys came back from the lake.

“Jesus Christ! Seaver’s having a homo moment!” Parker had exclaimed. “McCann got to you? Told you that shit’s contagious!”

Sebastian had jumped away from Drew instantly, flinching like Parker’s words were acid and standing so fast he’d had to catch himself on the edge of the table when his injured ankle wanted to give out.

A homo moment? So many things had clicked into place then - a million stupid jokes and side-eyes from over the summer, a thousand curious glances shot his way, and most painful of all, the way Bas had completely shut down their friendship because he didn’t want anyone to think he and Drew were… together.

He’d been dimly aware that Ella had come over to stand next to him, heedless of the paint, glaring daggers at Parker until he’d wised up and shut up. But Drew hadn’t been able to turn his eyes away from Bas, who was frozen with shock and regret, his eyes pleading with Drew while making no move to come near him.

Jesus. Like Drew was a plague victim.

Drew had managed to get to his feet, to shrug off Ella’s offer of help, to get back to the bunkhouse and shower, then plead a headache so he could stay in the infirmary overnight. And the whole time, as he’d mechanically gone about those tasks, as he laid in bed that night, he’d asked himself… Is it true? Am I gay?

There were some girls at school he knew were hot - a couple he’d kissed, and he’d definitely enjoyed it. And guys - the ones at school, the idiots like Parker - held zero attraction for him. And Bas… was Bas. Essential parts of each other’s lives since birth. So maybe he felt a little proprietary, but Drew didn’t, like, imagine him naked or anyth—.

Oh.

A hot pulse had shot down his spine as his mind fixed on the image. Sebastian, tall and lean, his chest covered with fine droplets of water, like when he emerged from the lake… Drew’s dick had given an encouraging throb before he could shove the picture out of his mind.

So, so stupid. Stupid and weird and vaguely wrong. The very idea of Bas ever realizing Drew had thought that way about him made him queasy, especially after the way Bas had run from the very idea of associating with him.

Drew snorted. Even if he was gay, he refused to do anything as epically silly as falling for Bas.

The dock creaked and Drew’s head spun around as a dark figure stepped out of the woods and onto the worn planks.

“Hey,” Bas said hesitantly. He paused, as though unsure of his welcome.

Drew turned back toward the lake. For the first time he could recall, he wasn’t sure if Bas was welcome either. He didn’t know how he felt, except confused.

With hardly a sound, Bas walked forward and took a seat beside Drew, mirroring his position. They sat in silence for a while, Drew focused on his breathing and categorically refusing to think about liking guys, and especially not liking Bas. In his peripheral vision, he could see Bas glancing at him from time to time, like he wanted to say something, but couldn’t, and it made Drew perversely glad. Drew was the one who’d always talked for both of them.

Finally, Bas had broken the silence with a sigh that lingered in the air like a breeze.

“You didn’t stay at the bonfire.” His voice was deeper than usual, not a tone Drew was used to.

He was stating the obvious, so Drew didn’t reply.

A minute later, Bas tried again, “I told him to shut the fuck up. Parker, I mean. I told him… I told him not to say that shit anymore.”

Drew, you fucking fag.

And suddenly Drew knew exactly how he felt. He was pissed. And more than that, he was hurt.

“I sincerely hope you didn’t do that for my sake,” Drew said, the impact of his frigid tone muted by the leftover tears clogging his throat. “I hope you did that because Parker is a homophobic asshole, and no one should talk that way.”

“You’re right. I know you’re right.” Bas nodded. “But I mostly did it for your sake.”

Yeah, right. After nearly a whole summer ignoring him, trying to impress Parker, pretending to be an entirely different person? Fuck that. But when Drew opened his mouth, all that emerged was a single syllable. “Why?”

“Because you’re my best friend, Drew. My… my brother.”

That was not a compliment, as far as Drew could see. “You already have a brother, and he drives you crazy.” Camden’s favorite pastimes included playing video games and following Bas around like a puppy. This was still one step up from Drew’s own younger sister, Amy, a moody, superficial pain in the ass who’d looked at Drew with nothing but disdain since she’d turned eleven earlier this year.

“Not like Cam.” Drew could hear the eye-roll in Sebastian’s voice, and fought to maintain his distance. Here, in the dark, when it was just the two of them, it would be far too easy to forgive Bas. “You know me better than anyone else.”

“Why now?” Drew demanded. “Why now, when you haven’t cared all summer?” But then, that was the answer, wasn’t it? The summer was over, and Parker would be leaving, crawling back under whatever rock he’d come from. Now Bas wanted to make nice before they went back home, back to reality.

“I did care. Of course I cared. It’s just…” Sebastian sighed into the night, his pale hand glowing in the moonlight as he ran it through his dark hair. “You don’t get what it’s like, Drew. To be the odd one out all the fucking time. To be unable to fit in with people unless my best friend is there to make sure I don’t act like an idiot.”

“I don’t?” Drew interrupted. Indignation had him turning to face Bas at last. “You think I don’t know what it’s like not to fit in? Jesus, Bas. Was this whole summer supposed to be some kind of punishment?”

“No! No!” Bas denied quickly. “It had nothing to do with you. It’s just… you know how we are, you and me.” His voice was soft, cajoling. “I’m invited to things because you are, and we’re a package deal. I’m so in my head all the time that I miss shit socially, and you end up fucking explaining it to me.” He sighed again. “My mom told your mom that if it weren’t for you, I’d spend all my time locked in my room with my computer like a vampire.”

“So? If it weren’t for you, I’d be failing math and I wouldn’t bother owning a laptop. What does it matter if we help each other?” Drew couldn’t keep the annoyance from his voice.

“Maybe because I wanna know I can handle shit.” Bas sounded defeated. “I want to know that I’m a competent human, you know? Not just some fucking programming idiot who can’t relate to people. I don’t want to need you or anyone. I don’t want to imagine a future where I’m going to be tripping over some chick and you’re gonna have to ask her out for me because I can’t get my shit together.” He flopped back on the dock and flung an arm over his eyes.

Drew’s throat got tight. He didn’t want to imagine that future either… and his realization earlier gave him a whole new insight as to why that future looked so painful.

“So I wanted Parker to, you know, like me. Think I was cool. Whatever. To prove that I could human on my own.” He made a sound halfway between a laugh and a sob. “And essentially all I did was prove that I can’t. I’m just not as good at life without you.”

Drew snorted. “Looked to me like you were doing just fine. Parker’s your bro now. You were sitting with his little court at the bonfire tonight.” Was sitting there when Parker had caught sight of Drew, standing off to one side of the beach, desperately trying not to be noticed. Was sitting there, and hadn’t said a word when Parker had called him out in front of everyone.

Drew, you fucking faggot.

“Yeah,” Bas whispered. “And that’s what proved my point. Because… that’s not the kind of person I want to be, Drew. The look on your face yesterday, and then tonight when you walked off…”

Drew huffed. Walking off was a bit of an understatement. It had been more like running. And he could only imagine that his face had been pathetic.

“You were so calm. So fucking… proud. You know who you are. You don’t give a shit about Parker or… or anyone. You’re the kind of person I want to be.”

Bas’s hand had moved down, and the words were muffled. Drew wasn’t entirely sure that he’d heard that last part correctly. He reached over and grabbed Bas’s wrist, moving his arm off his face.

“Say again?”

“You heard me,” Bas whispered. “I want to be like that. Just, waving a middle finger at every asshole who tries to bring you down.”

Drew licked his lips. Bas’s interpretation of events was so far from reality it was comical. It was also really, really appealing. But it didn’t let Bas off the hook.

“I don’t give a crap what Parker thinks,” Drew confirmed. “But I care what you think. And it was really shitty that my best friend didn’t defend me.”

“I did, though,” Bas said, pushing himself up to sit next to Drew. Drew realized he was still holding Bas’s wrist and let go of it immediately. “I told him to fuck off, and that he didn’t know shit about you. I pushed him into the water.” He shrugged. “Better late than never?”

He could almost feel Bas’s gaze on the side of his face, all hopeful and eager as Drew looked out at the moonlit water, like things could go back to normal just that easily.

Drew swallowed.

“Thing is, Bas,” he whispered, oily nausea racing up his chest, threatening to choke his words. “Maybe… maybe Parker was right about some things.”

The words dropped into the night, and the whole world ceased motion for half a second… or at least that’s how it seemed to Drew. His breath caught in his throat, the breeze stopped blowing, the night animal orchestra ceased playing, and the entire universe hung in suspended animation, waiting for Bas’s reaction.

His totally anticlimactic reaction.

“You mean, because you’re gay?” he said, a shrug in his tone, and Drew turned to look at him in surprise. “Dude, come on. You can’t have thought that I would care. I mean, my mom volunteers at the LGBT youth center. They’re both pretty liberal.”

“But your dad is all… man’s man whatever.”

Bas shrugged. “Well, I mean, if it was me he might care.” He chuckled, as though the very idea was laughable, and Drew’s chest went tight. “But he definitely supports equality and stuff. And besides, I’m not totally like my dad just because I’m smart like him.”

Drew nodded slowly. “So it doesn’t, like, freak you out if your best friend is gay?”

“No!” Bas said staunchly. “It doesn’t. And I swear to you, Drew, I will never let what anyone else thinks come between us. Not again.”

“There will be a lot of people who think it’s weird for a straight guy to have a gay best friend.” Drew shook his head. “We’ll have to be careful how we act.”

“Who gives a shit? You’re my best friend. Hanging out with you doesn’t make me gay. Nothing between us ever has to change!”

“I don’t know…”

“I do.” Bas insisted. Then he leaned over and kissed Drew.

The whole thing lasted about thirty seconds - ten seconds of soft, hesitant barely-touching contact, followed by ten seconds of Drew’s lips being smashed against his teeth. No other part of their bodies touched, and Drew noted in some distant corner of his mind that the scent of Bas - bug spray mixed with the dank odor of pond water - was anything but romantic.

And then Bas pulled back and smiled, wide and open, like Drew was the greatest thing on earth and Bas was thrilled and proud to have proven himself. And those final ten seconds - the seconds when Bas smiled - were the ones that changed Drew forever.

“I’m a pretty good kisser, eh?” Bas said. “My game’s pretty epic. Try not to fall in love with me.” He nudged his shoulder into Drew’s, inviting Drew to laugh along.

But all Drew could do was smile and nod and think Oh my God. I love Sebastian Seaver.

And he could never, never know.

Bas held out his hand, palm up, directly over Drew’s lap, and Drew glanced down to see the brightly colored sand dollar Bas had painted the day before, illuminated by the moonlight.

“Peace offering?” Bas said. “It’s a keychain. For next year, when we get cars. It’s, like, the only artistic thing I’ll ever do, probably, which makes it an exclusive collector’s item. And it can be yours for the low, low price of forgetting what an asshole I’ve been whole summer and being my friend for the rest of my life.”

His gaze implored Drew to take the shell, to accept his apology, to take things back to the way they’d always been.

Drew hesitated for only a fraction of a second before closing his fingers gently over the sand dollar. “Friends,” he said solemnly. “Always friends.”

And he willed the half-formed dreams of more to fly away on the breeze across the water.