Chapter

Dove didn’t know how to handle seeing Nate. Now everything was just awkward. She didn’t mean for it to be, but she couldn’t get the word “rebound” out of her head. She wanted to find someone who wanted her for her, not because she had some similarity to some cop. Or perhaps she was completely different from the deputy. How could one really be sure? Did it matter, anyway? She wasn’t a full person, just a pinup looked at in conjunction with the person he really wanted, checking for perceived differences. She didn’t want that any more than any other woman would.

She needed someone to talk to about it, but she definitely wasn’t going back to the therapist. Now she wished she had stayed around long enough to talk to her about renewing her friendship with Teressa. It had been a stupid little fight, hardly worth breaking up a friendship over. Dove remembered Nate’s conversation about grace. Maybe she wouldn’t have tried to patch things up without the message, but that didn’t make the patch-up worthless. She hoped she could do it without standing in her “I’m right; she’s wrong” mentality. She wanted to give Teressa a fair chance to explain herself, and maybe she needed to do some explaining too. Maybe just leaving wasn’t the right answer. She had a feeling that it was, though.

She called Teressa up, and she answered on the first ring. “Dove! I’m so sorry! I should never have called you selfish. You’re not selfish. It’s normal to want the best for yourself.”

“But at the expense of others? Maybe I am selfish. Maybe that’s why it hurt me so much.”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve been more understanding. You’re in a really scary situation. You deserve grace.”

“No one deserves grace,” Dove pointed out. “That’s why we give it to everyone.” Dove hoped that maybe someday she really could give it to everyone. She knew she was nowhere close to that now.

“Well, I’d like it if you came back.”

“Nah, I don’t want to impose. Maybe it would be better if we didn’t live together. I’d like to come pick up my clothes, though.”

“Of course! And I can make you some food to take over there. I know you can’t afford to have every meal out on a teacher’s salary.”

“Especially when I’m trying to avoid you at the diner,” Dove said.

“Oh no! That is absolutely unacceptable. You need to have diner food sooner rather than later. I’m going there now. Meet me there. It’s on the house.”

“Okay, I’ll take you up on that. See you there.” Dove jumped in her car and drove to the diner. She knew Teressa would be working—it was almost time for dinner rush—but Teressa was good at talking and working at the same time, at least when she was up front. She sometimes cooked, sometimes didn’t. Dove had a feeling she wouldn’t today if she was hoping to be able to talk to her.

Dove got to the diner only a few minutes later and sat at the bar, waiting to see Teressa. The other walked in the door and ran over to hug her. It lasted longer than Dove wanted.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” she said.

“Of course I’m okay.”

“Well, sometimes people aren’t. You never know.”

“The police are checking on me all the time. And the stalker has yet to try to make any contact.”

“Maybe he’s just waiting for the right moment. The police are checking on you all the time.”

“That’s not what I want to talk about,” Dove said.

“Oh, you have something you want to talk about?”

“Hey, Teressa, can you get me some more coffee?” a man called from across the diner.

“Duty calls,” Teressa said, and walked away.

Dove realized that maybe here wasn’t the place to talk about it. Maybe there wasn’t a place to talk about it at all. She wanted desperately to figure out what she was meant to do, but maybe the answer wasn’t even meant to come from Teressa. Maybe she needed to be her own person. And her own person didn’t like the idea of being someone’s rebound.

Teressa came over a few minutes later. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

“I think I got it all figured out,” she answered.

“What did you get all figured out?”

“I’m not interested in him.”

“What? Why?”

“He’s still hung up on some girl. I’m his rebound.”

“Everyone is everyone’s rebound,” Teressa answered. “People are always hung up on someone. You’re still hung up on Harold, aren’t you?”

“That’s different. Harold is a real person.”

“What? And he’s hung up on an actor or something?”

“No, a girl he never dated. He didn’t get to see all the problems with her. In his mind, she was perfect, and he didn’t have to see any wrong she could do. I can never live up to that.”

“You’re just worried you’re not good enough,” Teressa said.

“No, I don’t think so,” Dove responded. But was that it? Did she really have such a problem that he still had a bit of a crush on a girl he’d never see again? Or did she just think she had no chance of catching up to her? Wouldn’t not dating someone always leave them in a rose-colored light she couldn’t meet? Who knew?

“Well, maybe not. But there’s worse things in the world than being a rebound. Besides, after Harold, you need a rebound too. You could fulfill the role for each other. And if it doesn’t work out, whatever. Move on to someone else.”

“I didn’t expect you to support serial dating.”

“It’s not exactly serial dating,” she responded, “although it makes sense you may have to try a few people out before finding the right one.”

“How do you know Harold wasn’t my right one?”

“Who says there’s only one right one? Besides, he cheated on you, remember? That’s not exactly an easily forgivable sin.”

“I could’ve forgiven him.”

“But he chose to walk away. You can’t forgive that, because there’s no one to forgive.”

“Yeah, I know,” she said. It seemed stupid that she still liked him. It was clear from the beginning that it wasn’t going to work, or at least it wasn’t going to work well. It had only been a matter of time until he found someone else. Dove was loyal through it all, but she supposed she couldn’t expect that from him. It didn’t mean it didn’t suck, just that it was inevitable.

“So maybe you need a rebound, just like he does. Maybe you could both use the chance to try someone new.”

“But what if one of us wants something more and the other doesn’t?”

“Every relationship has risks. That’s just the risk of this one.”

“You really want me to date, don’t you?”

“I just don’t like the idea of you being alone forever. See, you have a lot of love to give. You deserve to be able to give it whenever you’d like, to whoever you’d like. But I think you’d be happier if you had a man your own age to give it to, and not always just spending all your love on children.”

“Children are pretty great,” Dove said.

“Don’t you want some of your own?” Teressa asked.

Dove paused. She had never let them talk about this. It seemed too big to be talked about. Teressa didn’t understand. She didn’t know what it was like to have a psychotic mother, to worry about having a psychotic child. She knew there was nothing wrong with having a mentally ill child, but she wondered if perhaps it was irresponsible to have her own children when they might not have a chance in the world to be healthy. She had considered adopting or fostering, but it wasn’t an easy thing to do on one’s own. She needed someone else. But she didn’t want to find a guy just to have kids. That seemed irresponsible in its own right.

“What is it?” Teressa asked.

“Nothing.”

“No, I know when it’s nothing, and this certainly isn’t nothing. What is it?”

“My mother.”

“Oh,” Teressa said. “I wondered.”

“You did?”

“Well, yeah, you’re worried about having a mentally ill child. It makes sense. I know how much you worried about being mentally ill yourself. But see, your mother is still happy. A mentally ill child could still be happy. You don’t need to give it so much worry. And if you decide it’s not a risk you want to take, you can still adopt. I have no problem thinking that you’d see them as one of your own.”

“It’s stupid to find a man just to have a child.”

“There’s stupider reasons to find men.”

“Like a rebound?”

“Touché.”

Dove didn’t feel as if she won at all, though. She just wanted to find a chance to be happy. She had been happy with Harold, at least before marriage, but she didn’t know if she could be happy now, whether with Nate or someone else. Maybe she was happier alone.

“Teressa, coffee,” the man called again. Dove frowned. She needed to let Teressa do her job. It was more important than deciding who Dove was going to end up with right now. She needed some time to think about her options anyway.