I don’t want to be broken anymore.

The truest words ever spoken.

Words never spoken out loud before.

The message I got on my phone was from a dating app I signed up for ages ago. One that I forgot I even had a profile to. I signed up freshman year when I decided that I needed to get out and try meeting people. It seemed like no matter what I did to talk to people face-to-face, it never worked.

The profile picture to the guy who messaged me seemed eerily familiar to the boy who broke into my freshman dorm. Same blond hair. Same beady brown eyes.

It stopped my heart. My breath. Everything.

For mere seconds, the world stopped spinning. Will disappeared from beside me, and the noise of the movie drowned out. It was deafening, being trapped in the possibility that the very boy who destroyed me two years ago was suddenly back in my life.

But the longer I stared at his picture, the more I realized it wasn’t him.

The hair and eye color was similar, hell his features were, too. But it wasn’t him. His skin tone was slightly different, his ears slightly bigger. It was the little things that differentiated him from my attacker.

The boy who tried raping me.

Rape.

I hate the word, just like I hate the word victim. I was a victim, but I didn’t want to be one. The campus police called me one. The town police called me one. I called me one. Not anymore.

For two years I spent every single day pushing away memories from that night, but they resurfaced anyway. For two years I jumped around guys. I made excuses as to why I couldn’t date. I put my life on hold, my feelings on hold, just because of one guy.

In less than twenty seconds, that night hit me all over again stronger than it ever had.

It tore me in half. Split my heart in two.

One guy can completely change your life. Shatter you. Break you.

And I let him.

Staring at one picture reminded me of the person I’ve been trying to change, but never found the reason to. Why? My attacker was expelled from school. Arrested. Locked up. Yet I feared him. Feared all men. Feared intimacy. Feared happiness.

I even feared Will for a short time, maybe even longer than I thought.

After all, I told myself not to go after him, to even try, because of one guy.

One experience.

One night.

My apartment feels ten times smaller somehow tonight. We left the second movie early, as soon as I told him I didn’t want to be broken. We packed up the truck in silence, and he drove us to my apartment. Not to my parents, or his parents, but to somewhere quiet. Where we could talk. Where I could finally, finally, open up to him. To someone.

When we entered the tiny studio, I turned on the lights seeing my alarm clock’s red numbers flashing 10:46 p.m. on the screen. I took deep breathes with every step, summoning the courage to tell him everything. Not just about that night. Not just about that text. How I felt. Feel. How my emotions are a jumbled mess.

Will sits next to me in bed. He’s a short distance away, only because my full size mattress doesn’t offer much room for the two of us. I put my face in my hands for a split second, letting my hair cascade down around me like a shield of protection. But I don’t need protection from Will.

Straightening up, I move my hair out of my face. “I’m going to tell you everything, because it feels like I might combust if I don’t get this out of my chest. But it’s … it’s hard, because I don’t know how you’re going to react.”

I will myself to meet his gaze, watching uneasily as he studies my face. His eyes are yearning to know the truth. The words that are about to be spoken.

“We can …” I take a deep breath. “Can you stay? Can you promise that you’ll stay?”

He doesn’t hesitate. “Of course.”

“Can we get ready for bed first? I just need a minute to collect myself.” I swallow past the lump in my throat that’s begging me to spill. “If that’s okay?”

“Anything, Tess. Do anything you need.”

It doesn’t take long to wash off my makeup and change into my pajamas, all while Will is getting ready outside the bathroom.

I stare myself in the mirror, a fire in my eyes that I haven’t seen in a long time.

Determination. A realization that begs to be spoken.

A truth that demands to be heard.

It’s time.

We lay side by side in bed, both of us in minimal clothes. I’m only wearing a ratty old T-shirt that I double as a night dress since it goes almost to my knees. He’s in his boxers and T-shirt, since he doesn’t have any pajamas here.

He lives down the hall. He could go home. He could change into pajamas. But he doesn’t. He stays as is, because he promised to stay.

I shift closer to him, only the ghost of exhaustion stinging my body. I’m too wired, like adrenaline is racing through my body. I can feel the warmth radiate from him. His body calling to mine.

His hand grazes mine. I gulp.

He turns on his side, his eyes illuminating in what little light is available from the small lamp on my nightstand. His skin appears tanner in this lighting. Smoother. Yet his expression is rough. Hard. Tentative.

I force myself to breathe evenly.

Closing my eyes, just for a moment, I squeeze my hand. “This kind of goes back, Will. Back a while. For you to understand what happened tonight, you need to understand what a wreck I’ve been.” When he nods for me to continue, I begin. “I’ve always … I’ve always wanted this.” The words come out thick, hesitant—like I’m not sure I want to admit it, but know that it needs to be said. I gesture to my hands, our hands.

I took a deep breath, flooding my lungs with the courage I needed to continue. Opening my eyes fully, I looked at him. Seeing through his hard exterior. “Even back in high school. But you were with Sheri, and it never seemed like the right time to tell you. I had a crush on you that I ignored, because you seemed happy being just friends. But I never really was.”

His grip on me tightened, encouraging me to go on.

I moved closer. “What I did with Ian isn’t something I regret. I really thought I had to do it to move on. Like it was what I needed. Obviously, I was wrong.” I laugh at myself, but it comes out quiet. “I always wanted it to be with you.”

I could see his body still. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Maybe some things are meant to be kept to yourself.

No, I argue with myself. He needs to hear this.

“There were so many times I wanted to tell you, Will. But none of them were right. Everything got in the way, and feelings got jumbled. But then … that night happened.” My voice cracks. “I know it’s not my fault. Not really. But part of it is. It all happened because I upset Becky, and the rumors she started …”

God, all the rumors.

College was supposed to be different than high school. No drama. No bullshit. Just a fresh start to better opportunities. Will and I decided to live in the dorms, but we were placed on different floors than each other.

My nerves of being randomly placed with a stranger made me act out to find somebody before selection happened. The Facebook group for incoming freshman had plenty of people to choose from, and I chose almost instantly after a two second conversation.

I rushed it. I trusted her before I should have.

And we weren’t compatible, not like we thought we would be. We were polar opposites. Her being a social butterfly—a total extrovert to my introvert. She wanted everything in the room clean and spotless. She wanted rules. Soon, I began to see that it was her way or no way.

She’d constantly get on my case about staying in the room so much instead of going out. She would criticize everything I ate at every meal we had together. It drove me insane to the point the stress got me sick.

After almost two months, I opted to move from the suite we shared with four other girls, to a single in a different building. I thought we could still be friends, especially now that we had our own space.

But we couldn’t.

I thought she hated me before, but leaving fueled the fire that was already out of control.

Soon, the rumors started. Things that weren’t true at all, and things that were greatly exaggerated. The guys I hung out with as friends became the guys I’d sleep with any chance I could get.

To her, I was the campus slut.

The small college soon thought so, too.

That was when the guys started showing up. It was like I was being hunted by predators who thought I was easy prey. Defenseless. Vulnerable.

I ignored them nine times out of ten. The comments they’d call after me. The wolf whistles. The catcalls. I could avoid all those things. Especially when Will was around.

But at the end of fall semester, I was tired of it all. Still sick from stress, from constantly fighting the backlash of a choice I thought was a good one. I went back to my dorm after a late film class I had. I thought I locked the door.

I didn’t.

I thought I had enough energy to fight.

I didn’t.

The wolves had found me. At least, one wolf had.

And Will … he stopped it once he heard me crying. I only remember bits and pieces from the night, refrained memory as far as I’m concerned, but I remember enough.

The way the wolf’s paws were on me, peeling back layers of clothes that would reveal too much flesh.

The way his brown eyes were set on me like I was his newest meal.

The way he would move, even when I tried fighting him off.

A tear slips down my face, suddenly overwhelmed from the memory. I turn so my back is to his front. His hand lets go of mine, and I miss his warmth. But I need to focus. To tell him why … why I wasn’t right after that.

Why I couldn’t go after what I wanted.

“You saw how I was after that,” I murmur, sniffing back tears. “I wasn’t ready to let anybody close to me again. But you … you were always there. Everywhere. The back of my mind. The voice in my head. It was always you, even when it shouldn’t have been.”

There’s a pause of silence.

“You don’t have to tell me that,” he finally says, his arm going around my waist, but stills. “Is this okay?”

I nod. “Yes.”

More than okay. More than he knew.

He moves closer. “I told you before, Tessa. Nothing about what happened that night is your fault. Anything that led to him making that choice was his alone. All his.” He finds my fingers and threads them with his. “And I wasn’t going to push you on anything, even when I wanted to. Because it was always you, too, Tess. Even … even when it shouldn’t have been. When I was with Sheri. When you went through that assault.

“It was always you who consumed me. That’s why I hate Ian so much. He got a part of you that I didn’t. And the night I pulled that asshole off you when I saw him undressing you despite what you told him, it made me murderous. Jesus, Tess, you have no idea how much I want to make this better for you—make the pain go away.”

I squeeze my eyes closed. “That’s just the thing, Will. Nobody can do that but me. And I think I’ll always have some sort of pain from the experience, but I don’t have to let it consume me. I meant what I said earlier. I don’t want to be broken anymore. When my phone went off earlier, it was from an old dating app that I tried using. I got matched with a guy who looked just like … like him. And I thought it was him until I got a closer look … really looked at him.”

He curses.

I shake my head. “It wasn’t though. I know that for sure. It was just my brain trying to give me a panic attack—trick me. And that’s when I knew that it needed to stop. I needed to make it stop, because I don’t deserve that. None of it.”

“You don’t,” he agrees. “Nobody does. You know what you do deserve? To be happy, Tess. To get everything you want in life. Everybody. Anybody.”

I sniff back tears. “I didn’t think I deserved you.”

His entire body stiffens, and his arm tightens around me. I shiver when his lips brush my ear, his breath tickling my skin. “Never say that, Tessa. Like I said before, you deserve anything and everything. Never forget that.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“Can I give you your birthday present now? I think … I think it’s the perfect time to.”

I feel him shift, his arm letting go of me.

“You want to sing me a song?” I whisper, sitting up and watching him get his guitar from where he put it on my bookshelf when we got here.

He sits back down on the bed, smiling at me. “I want to do a lot of things, Tess. But this makes the most sense right now.”

My heart beats a little faster in my chest as I absorb that, wondering what other things he wants to do.

But instead of asking, I let him play me a song.

He rests his guitar on his lap, and looks at me with a sheepish smile. “It may not be any good, but it comes from the heart. And I mean every word, Tess. Know that.”

I nod, and he starts playing. It’s the same song he played at Marty’s, and I can’t help but feel blown away over the fact that it’s still as powerful as I remember, feeding my soul the very thing it needs to start mending.

When the storm is waging,

Deep in her heart

When the fear is raging,

And the damage scars

 

When the days turn to nights,

And she cries in her sleep

When her smiles are tight,

Yet she still takes a leap

 

That’s the girl I know,

That pain will always show, yeah

She tries to stay okay,

But it’ll never change

That’s the fight I see,

When her eyes are always beaming,

She fights against the world,

But there is no stronger girl.

 

When the fire’s dimming,

And her love is low,

Her eyes are swimming,

In the afterglow

 

When she thinks she’s losing,

But her mind is strong

She is always choosing,

Just to prove them wrong.

 

That’s the girl I know,

That pain will always show, yeah

She tries to stay okay,

But it’ll never change

That’s the fight I see,

When her eyes are always beaming,

She fights against the world,

But there is no stronger girl.

That’s all I need to hear.

My heart comes alive in my chest with every word, soaking up everything it ever wanted. From the person it always wanted.

Tears are in my eyes for a completely different reason, even minutes after the song ends and the guitar is back on the shelf. “That was beautiful, Will.” My voice cracks. “You think that? That I’m strong enough?”

“There was never a doubt in my mind.”

“I thought I wasn’t willing to be with anybody because of that night. I thought … I thought I was broken. Damaged. Untouchable. But that wasn’t it. Not all of it, anyway. I was never completely broken or damaged. I just hadn’t found the person I wanted to touch me—to heal me. To save me. That’s … that’s you, Will. Always has been.”

The weight on my shoulders lifts as the truth floats around us.

I’m able to breathe again. There’s no hardness to it. No struggle. Because Will knows the truth, and that’s what matters.

It was always you. Even when it shouldn’t have been.

We’re laying back down, and I can feel his heart thunder in his chest, and I know mine sounds identical. His arm tightens around my waist, heat blasting my entire body as he pulls me into him. I suck in a breath when the warmth of his tickles my throat, his nose nestling against my sensitive skin.

Holy crap on a cracker.

My body freezes when his lips graze the warm skin of my neck, moving upward. Not in fear. In something raw. Wanting.

Always wanting.

I close my eyes, absorbing the moment because I don’t know if or when it will end.

When he nips my neck, I gasp. “Will?”

My voice is throaty and low and full of something I’ve never had before. Desire. I’ve felt lust plenty of times, but nothing I ever worked toward getting.

“I need to know if this is okay,” he tells me, his voice pleading, but firm. He wants to know that I want this.

Wants to know that he can have this.

Share this.

Heal me.

I gather the courage to turn and face him, his muscled arm still hooked around my torso.

Now we’re face-to-face, our eyes reflecting dark pools of something we’ve been skirting around for forever.

One hand goes to my face, cupping my cheek.

“Please,” I whisper. “I want this.”

“Tess ...” His voice is no more than a whisper.

Before I can even respond, his lips are on mine. A cross between gentle and wanting. Firm and controlling, yet soft and consuming.

I somehow manage to move closer to him so our entire fronts are pressed together. Snaking my arms around his neck, I deepen the kiss. He groans, his tongue sweeping my bottom lip wanting entry.

I give it to him. And when our tongues meet, heat explodes throughout my whole body. Fireworks erupt, my hold on him tightens, and I arch my hips into his.

And that’s when he takes over.

The arm he used to hook around my waist lifts me up as we shift until he’s on his back and I’m straddling him. All of him. My legs are on either side of his hips, and I’m practically sitting on something that is definitely not his cell phone.

His hands grip my hips, fingertips digging into the soft flesh. It doesn’t hurt. If anything, it fuels a fire inside of me.

We stare at each other, breaths uneven. Ragged.

Slowly, his hands raise the oversized nightshirt I’m wearing. It feels like an eternity before it’s off my hips so my bottom half is revealed.

Will eyes my underwear. Honestly, I don’t even remember what kind I’m wearing. I hope they’re not embarrassing, but I’m too afraid to look.

His voice is a strangled, throaty tone. “Your underwear …” His lips tip up into an amused grin, but the lust is still there in his eyes. “You’re wearing Superman underwear.”

I look down at the blue and red pattern, feeling my face flush. Of course I couldn’t have worn something cute and lacy.

Will’s hands travel toward them, one finger dipping past the elastic band. I suck in a breath, feeling his finger dangerously close to an area it’s never been before.

He chuckles, but it’s not his normal light-hearted one. This one is deeper. “What would Batman think?”

I want to laugh at that, but my heart is pumping so fast in my chest I’m afraid it’ll propel out of me. And the fact that I’m sitting on a very excited, very evident, part of Will is distracting as hell.

“I-I don’t care what Batman thinks right now.” I put my hands flat on his chest, staring into his eyes, trying to figure out if this is real or not.

Will’s finger pulls down part of my underwear and leans forward, planting a kiss right at the panty line. I’m still where I’m sitting, heart racing, heat swarming, and my mind is thinking a million things at once.

All of them dirty.

“Will … I need …” I don’t even know what I need. I want to say air, like I’m suffocating, but in the best way possible. Can you suffocate in a good way though?

But I’m drowning in the possibility of either of our next moves, and suddenly my fear of drowning is wiped clean. Because if I’m drowning in Will, it’s suddenly okay. Every fear I’ve had seems to vanish, because Will is holding me and gazing at me like I’m the only salvation left on Earth. It’s unnerving.

Consuming.

“What do you need?” he whispers, one hand sweeping a piece of hair behind my ear.

I don’t really hear myself say it, but I feel it with every fiber of my being. I feel the truth in those three little words. Everything I’ve been terrified of since the incident in the dorms freshman year disappear, because Will’s here and I’m here, and the moment is too much to ignore.

“I need you.”

Growling, he presses me into him, his hips thrusting up so he’s fully pressed to the most sensitive part of me. We meet halfway, our lips crushing against each other in a way that’s aggressive but gentle at the same time.

My hands gather fistfuls of his shirt, trying to pull him as close to me as possible. His tongue dances with mine, and I can taste the minty toothpaste he used just moments before crawling into bed.

Into my bed.

I don’t let my brain try to analyze the fact that my best friend is currently giving me the best kiss I’ve had in my life. Instead, I shut off my brain and let my body take over.

My hands travel up to his hair, knotting in the messy strands. I moan when he arches his hips up again, his erection pressing into me. I’m completely lost in him, in the feeling of him under me, of the way he’s reacting to me.

“Will,” I say in a breathy tone, pulling away.

I don’t think I can ever get sick of saying his name.

He trails kisses from my lips to my chin, his lips going down my jaw and neck. He nips at my throat, and I tilt my head back to give him more access. When he murmurs my name in the sexiest voice I’ve ever heard, it makes me lose my mind completely.

I gather his shirt in my hands again, pulling it up. He pulls away to help me take it off, throwing it on the floor somewhere. I can’t help but scope the hard muscle planes of his chest, knowing he earned his muscles working on the farm for so long. Trailing my hands over him, I trace the way his pecs and abs dip, and he closes his eyes and moans when my hands are at the waistband of his boxers.

He doesn’t let me go any farther before he takes the bottom of my nightshirt and slides it up my body. It’s a lot quicker than before, desperate. He throws my shirt wherever his landed, and then stares at me with heated eyes, taking in my practically naked body.

I’m wearing a boring blue bra, one that matches the same royal blue of my underwear. At least it’s a push-up one, one that makes my boobs look good.

And based on how his lips are parted as he takes me in, he thinks they look good, too.

I wiggle on his lap, his eyes rolling in the back of his head. I don’t know how, but I feel him get harder underneath me.

It turns me on knowing I’m doing that to him.

“Please, Will,” I plead, my hands going back down to the waistband of his pants. “Please touch me?”

He sits up, pressing a kiss against my lips. “God, you don’t ever have to ask me twice.”

His kiss gets rougher, greedier, hungrier. He bites my bottom lip, pulling it away as he repositions us. My arms go around his neck, tugging him closer to me. When he rocks into me, I can’t stop the low mewl that slips out of my mouth.

I’m pretty sure he growls at that, and before I know it, I’m on my back with him hovering above me. His hands are extended out, holding him up, placed on either side of my head. I can’t help but notice the way his muscles are bulging as he keeps his weight just above me. His mouth is ravaging mine, his tongue twisting and flicking and licking me.

He pulls away, leaving me breathless.

Slowly, he lowers himself down so we’re pressed together. Feeling his warm skin against mine gives me goose bumps, and my breathing hitches. I can feel him through his boxers, pressing against me in a way that drives me absolutely crazy. He rests his forehead against mine, his eyes dark and full of as much yearning as mine.

“If you want to stop, now would be the time to tell me,” he says quietly, trailing kisses down my cheek. His lips run down the line of my jaw, down my throat, and his nose nestles the nape of my neck.

My hands move down his back, settling on the spot just above his jeans. My fingernails dig in as he nips the sensitive spot of my neck, causing me to suck in a breath.

“I don’t want to stop,” I find myself saying.

“You’re sure?” he whispers, voice throaty. “I won’t blame you if you want to, Tess.”

He pulls away enough to look at me. We lock eyes as I bring my lips to his, giving him a chaste kiss.

“I’m positive. I need you to make me forget, to make me feel something I haven’t in a long time. Maybe even ever. I need this, Will.”

And that’s all it takes before he helps me slide his boxers off his lean legs. His hands run back up my body, his fingers finding the hook of my bra and undoing it. Slowly, what’s left of my clothes are on the floor, and our skin is on fire, and our breathing is heavy and ragged.

The way he gazes at me fills my chest, like there was a hole in my heart I didn’t know about until his look fills it in.

When he kisses me, I feel wanted.

When he touches me, I feel desired.

When he whispers my name, I feel loved.

I’m in love with my best friend.

It isn’t a realization, but an admission.

I’ve always loved Will. Always wanted him to be around. Always wanted his approval. Now it’s just cemented—set in stone with our names carved in it.

And every touch he gives me, every kiss he plants on my body, and every way he moves over me, in me, makes my heart his forever.

The way he says my name when he can’t control himself anymore completely ends me. There’s a slight burn as a reminder of my years of inexperience every time he moves out of me and back in, but it’s a burn that I want to feel more often. A fire I want to feed.

We erupt at the same time, white flashes of light taking over my vision. My body arches one last time, then goes limp with exhaustion in the best way possible as he slides off me.

When he comes back from the bathroom after disposing of the condom, he settles on his side, pulling me into him. He kisses me cheek, and we fall asleep in blissful silence.

When my eyes flutter open with sunlight greeting me from the slit of the curtain across the room. The light caresses my skin, causing me to stretch. It isn’t until I feel the slight ache between my legs that I remember what happened between Will and me last night.

The memory makes me smile. I run my fingers across my lips, remembering how he claimed them, nibbled them, pulled them. I can still feel the ghost of his fingers trailing over every inch of me. It warms me up, easing my tired muscles.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel this morning. Like I would be stuck in the moment freshman year forever. That isn’t the case, though, and it feels like the anvil sitting on my chest is gone. Finally gone.

When I turn to see his sleeping form, I’m greeted by an empty bed. The sheets are ruffled, the pillow still having the indentation of his head. Ollie is curled up at the end of the bed where the blanket is bunched up.

I listen to hear if he’s in the bathroom. There’s no running water, or sound coming from the only room in my tiny apartment. My eyes drift to the kitchen, which is right next to my bed. Nothing. No one.

I sit up slowly.

“Will?” My voice cracks as I call him name. Usually, my voice is always duller in the morning, but I know it’s dull and achy for a different reason today.

There’s no answer.

My heart speeds up in my chest as I grab my phone, wondering if he left to get something to eat. Get coffee. Some reason for him leaving.

It’s only seven in the morning.

My eyes see a text waiting for me with his name on it. Tears well in my eyes as I read the two words that are plastered on the screen.

I’m sorry.