CHAPTER THREE
“In kindergarten, when I was five,” Fin began. “I got put in time-out for not sitting still during the morning meeting. Ryder Bell left that hell called circle time, scuttled off to his cubby, and pulled his Game Boy and a little bag of Goldfish out of his backpack and brought them to me.”
Oh, thank God. For a moment there, Callie had thought he’d address her.
Self-involved much?
“Of course, he ran right back to the circle and crossed his legs like the good little kiss-ass he is, but still.”
“Hey.” Ryder grinned.
“A friendship was born. When I was eight, I tried to flip my dirt bike and wound up breaking my wrist. Ryder came to my house every day after school and brought me food from the diner.” He glanced at her parents, seated on the other side of her brother. “I suppose you could’ve slipped him some coin to do it, but I think maybe you just raised him right. And, by the way, Mr. Bell, your beef stew’s still the bomb.” He turned back to the audience. “When I was fifteen, I challenged Marc Krasnow to a duel.”
A bark of laughter rang out. Marc shouted, “I remember that.”
“Ryder said, Dude, this isn’t the fifteen-hundreds. You don’t have to defend her honor. She can do that on her own.” His gaze slid over to Callie. “Of course he was talking about his sister, Callie. And, of course, if you know her, you know she definitely didn’t need me to kick someone’s ass for her, let alone Marc Krasnow’s.”
“Hey, now,” Marc said.
“In fact, she kicked it so hard he missed a week of school.”
“In my defense,” Marc said. “It wasn’t exactly my ass she kicked.”
Julian leaned close to her ear, his cologne wafting around her. “You beat someone up?”
Pressing her hands together so hard her rings dug into her skin, she ignored him, keeping her focus on Fin. Now was not the time to explain.
It’s a wedding. Aren’t people supposed to be telling stories about Ryder and Lynn?
“What did you do that kept him out of school for a week?” Even at a whisper, Julian’s tone was harsh.
Callie closed her eyes against the image of kneeing Marc in the balls after finding out he’d told everybody she slept with all the Bowie brothers “on the regular.”
She looked so forward to sharing these lovely memories with Julian, who ate his pizza with a fork and knife and sent his silk underwear out to be dry cleaned. God help me.
“From the time we met, Ryder’s been a fifth brother.” Fin’s lips pressed together, and he stared unseeingly across the yard. “Until I was seventeen. When I screwed up.” He looked miserable. “And he stopped talking to me.”
A sickening wave of heat washed through her. He wouldn’t go there. Not at a rehearsal dinner. No, no, no.
“I did a stupid thing.” He scrubbed his jaw.
Dammit, Fin. Shut up.
“It took him a while to forgive me, but I’m glad he did, because Ryder’s the best man I know. And it makes me damn happy to know he’s found the best woman for him.”
“And that’s coming from the World’s Worst Boyfriend,” someone shouted.
A few people snickered, but Fin ignored it.
Now that surprised her. In the past, he’d have shut that guy down. He wouldn’t let anyone get away with making fun of him.
“Given my track record,” Fin said. “You’d think I’d be the last guy to give relationship advice, but actually I’m your man. Because the vows you make tomorrow are supposed to last a lifetime.” He shifted, confidence burning through his discomfort. “And that’s something I know a lot about, since I blew it with my girl.” He swallowed, staring at Callie with his heart right there on display for anyone to see.
“What the hell’s going on here?” Julian’s breath gusted at her ear.
“I promise we’ll talk later.” She couldn’t miss a word of this speech.
“And that’s the worst thing I’ve ever done,” Fin said tightly.
She couldn’t take a full breath, and she went dizzy because, standing there before the people who knew him best, Fin exposed his pain. His heartache.
Fin didn’t do that. He’d only ever lifted the veil for her. And to let his brothers, those intimidating champions he idolized, see his vulnerability…Fin did not do that.
He didn’t give them ammunition to make fun of him.
“In the thirty-three hours it took to get back from Austria, I had a lot of time to think about my speech. I wrote a good one, lots of jokes, something heartfelt at the end. But then I got here and it hit me how easy it is to take it all for granted. To assume it’ll last just because you got a ring on her finger.” He shot a look to Ryder. “Don’t do that. Don’t take one minute with her for granted.”
Ryder held his gaze with a solemn expression.
“So, instead of the speech I prepared, I’m gonna give you a list so you don’t mess up like I did.” He shoved a hand deep into his pocket. “Number one, be honest. About everything. You know how something happens and you think, Eh, I’ll hold off on telling her that? Maybe you haven’t made a decision yet or you don’t want to upset her?” He held Ryder’s gaze until his friend nodded in acknowledgement. “Tell her. Tell her what you’re thinking. Don’t shut her out, don’t think she doesn’t need to hear about it, and definitely don’t think you can handle whatever it is on your own. That’s not how relationships work. You get tighter when you work through things together. That’s the glue, man. That’s the damn glue.”
Not a person in the yard shifted in his seat or whispered to the person next to him. And it struck her just then that he got it. He got what he’d done wrong all those years ago. It turned her blood fizzy and made her skin tingle.
It didn’t change anything, but it mattered.
She swallowed past the tight knot in her throat. She would’ve given anything if the end of their relationship hadn’t taught him that lesson.
“Number two, put each other first. Yeah, you got a job. You got bills. You got a kid. All that matters, not discounting it, but you’ve got to put her first. Trust me on that. Because once she’s gone, I guarantee you’re going to regret all the stupid crap you put before her. Don’t do that.”
“He’s still in love with you.” Julian sounded part incredulous, part strained.
She swung around. “No. He’s not…” When his eyes flared, she realized how aggressive she’d sounded. She didn’t care. He misunderstood. “He did a terrible thing, and he regrets how he ended it. But that’s it. There’s no love left.”
“I don’t know whether you’re lying to me or to yourself.” His features didn’t reveal an ounce of his anger, as he shifted back in his chair.
She didn’t want to make a scene, but she couldn’t have him thinking there was anything left between her and Fin other than unresolved anger and resentment. “I don’t care about him anymore. I haven’t talked to him in six years.”
But his attention had returned to Fin.
“Find something good and real to tell her every day. Tell her you love her. Tell her she’s beautiful when she first wakes up. Tell her she’s awesome when she graduates with a four-point-oh.”
Fin had just reached in and cupped her heart with all the warmth and strength of his big hand. She’d had no idea he’d watched her all these years. That he’d lived with these regrets. She’d thought he’d been partying and having the time of his life.
“Don’t hold back. Because, believe me, when you lose that privilege? Of talking to her anytime you want? It’s going to gut you.” Drawing in a breath that straightened his shoulders, he smiled to the crowd. “So, that’s it. That’s my speech. Learn from my lessons, and your marriage will go the distance.” He lifted his champagne flute. “Let’s raise a glass to Ryder, the best guy I know, and Lynne, the only woman good enough for him.”
The guests clapped, while Ryder got up and embraced Fin. They slapped each other’s backs, and Callie saw the emotion on her brother’s face. Ryder was a good guy. He’d take Fin’s lessons to heart.
After Fin and Ryder took their seats, the father of the bride pushed his chair back. All attention fixed on the head table in anticipation of the older man’s toast. Thank God, because she needed a moment to let her emotions subside. She didn’t need Julian to see her expression right then.
But right before Lynn’s father lifted his flute, Julian stood up.
“Excuse me.” He had the carriage of a prince, but her normally confident boyfriend looked wild-eyed. “I’m sorry to interrupt.” He let out an awkward laugh. “I’d planned on doing this another time, but after that wonderfully inspirational speech, I’m going to seize the moment.” His gaze swept the crowd. “Tonight I’m a stranger to this group of friends and family, but I hope soon that won’t be the case.” He turned to Callie.
Blood barreled through her veins so fast she went light-headed.
Don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.
“Calliope Bell, I fell in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you.”
Heat billowed through her. Through her panic she had an awareness of restlessness around her. People shifting in their seats, craning to get a better look. In her peripheral vision she saw her mom clapping both hands over her mouth.
But the world was narrowing, darkening, and she thought she might pass out.
“My admiration for you has grown stronger with each day we spend together. You are the calm in the craziness of my life, my north when my compass goes haywire, and the one person I know I can count on no matter what life throws my way.”
Oddly, her only thought was, Your life isn’t crazy, and your compass has never once gone haywire.
But all thoughts flew out of her head when he reached for her hand and pulled her out of the seat. Instinctively, she resisted, but the crease between his eyes deepened and he tugged more firmly. She got up on shaky legs. He drew closer and whispered, “Breathe.” Holding her hand like they were at a coronation, he smiled. “Calliope, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
Someone gasped. A few others said, “Aw.” And her mom shouted, “Oh, my God.”
An oppressive heat clung to her, like entering a hot house in the dead of summer. Her mind scrambled for purchase. Finding none, it just let go. And the world spun around her.
Needing to get her bearings, she leaned into him. She turned her face away from the audience and pressed her hot cheek against his cool white dress shirt that smelled of dry cleaning chemicals.
His arms enveloped her. “I love you, Calliope. I really do.”
The applause seemed deafening, and all she wanted to do was get away from the prying eyes. But she couldn’t leave. It was her brother’s rehearsal dinner, and the speeches had just begun.
The moment she started to pull away, Julian clasped her hand and raised it high in the air. Everyone clapped at what they thought was her engagement. Holy shit.
And then a whistle pierced the air. Fin made the time-out sign with his hands. “Hang on.” When the crowd quieted, he said, “I didn’t hear her answer.”
Julian’s prideful smile flattened. Everyone stared at her.
“Was that a yes, wild thing?” Fin said. “Because I didn’t hear it.”
Stunned, she had no idea what to do. Time felt suspended, reality torqued.
“Calliope? Sweetheart?” Julian squeezed her elbow a little too hard, his fingernails pinching her skin.
The sting woke her up, and she shot Fin a quelling look. Stop it.
But he didn’t back down. “Could be my bad, but I didn’t hear an answer. Is it a yes, then?”
A cold bead of perspiration trickled down her back. She couldn’t take a full breath.
She looked up at Julian. “Can we talk in private?” She said it quietly but, of course, everyone heard her body language.
Julian drew in a short breath before turning to the crowd. “Please continue. Excuse me for interrupting the festivities.” He gave a dignified nod to the crowd and then turned away from her. With his chair boxing him in against the table, he bent over to lift it and set it aside. Then, he stalked across the lawn, chin high, shoulders back.
Callie took off, but the stupid ice pick heels kept catching in the grass. She peeled the strap off each ankle and slid out of the delicate sandals. In bare feet, grass tickling her soles, she raced around the side of the house to catch up with her boyfriend.
He strode down the driveway, phone in his hand.
“Julian!” Grass gave way to gravel, and she had no choice but to shove her aching toes back into the sandals, allowing him to gain further ground away from her. “Would you please wait for me?”
He lifted the phone to his ear.
“Julian, dammit.” Awesome. Not only was she sweating, but she’d just shrieked at her Upper East Side boyfriend.
At the end of the driveway, he pocketed his phone, glancing first toward the Tetons and then toward the town of Jackson. Damp with perspiration and out of breath, she reached his side, her stomach cramped in a knot.
He cut her a sideways glance. “I’m not ready to talk to you.”
“Let me explain. I made a mess of this.”
“Yes, you did. But right now I need to process what just happened.”
In New York, she didn’t think twice when he used expressions like that. But in Calamity, it stood out like an elk with a glittery antler. That’s not where your mind should be.
Okay, but she was totally discombobulated and didn’t even know where to begin. “I hate that I embarrassed you, but I wasn’t expecting a proposal.” Seriously, all she’d wanted was to show everyone how well she’d turned out. Present her boyfriend, her sophisticated new look and her graduate degree, and show them she wasn’t that wild, reckless girl anymore.
Instead, she’d wound up hijacking her brother’s rehearsal dinner. How had this happened?
“I wasn’t expecting to issue one.” Each word came out as hard and compact as a metal bead.
“Then why did you? It’s my brother’s night.”
“I’m aware of that, Calliope.” He gave her his back.
“Were you really going to propose?” The idea shook her. Marriage?
He glanced at her warily. “Why do you make it sound so distasteful?”
“I’m just surprised.”
“We live together. Where did you think this relationship was going?”
“But we just finished school. We don’t have jobs.” Stupid comment. Julian didn’t need to worry about something as plebian as a job. Even without his master’s in Museum Studies, he’d land the best job possible thanks to his parents. In fact, the fellowship did nothing more than take the criticism of nepotism off the table. “I don’t have a job.”
“I thought we were doing this together.” His tone softened. “Graduate school, starting out. I thought we’d be like my parents.”
Alarms rang in her brain pan. Why did that sound all kinds of wrong?
It shouldn’t. What could be better than the Reyes’ lives? Elegant patrons of the arts, the college sweethearts basically ruled the Manhattan art scene. Of course she wanted that life.
If she married Julian, she’d have it.
So why did her body physically reject the idea? “I’m sorry for embarrassing you.” Sort of? No, she was sorry about that. She just didn’t understand the proposal in general. They weren’t there yet.
And, frankly, it felt more territorial than some impulsive declaration of love.
The rightness of that theory cinched tightly.
Julian had been blindsided. In Manhattan, he and his family were at the top of the food chain. Here in Calamity, he was a fish out of water, and the killer whale—Fin—had publicly declared his ownership.
“It’s not…I’m not embarrassed.” He lifted both arms, palms to the sky, and then lowered them. “You think my primary emotion right now is embarrassment? Jesus, Calliope. Wild thing? Platinum hair? Beating up a guy when you were fifteen?” Eyes wide, his fingertips combed through his carefully arranged hair. “Who is that girl? How does my girlfriend, the woman I want to spend my life with, have anything to do with the girl”—he jabbed a finger toward the house—“they’re talking about?”
“I was a kid, Julian. I’ve grown up since then.” He didn’t look convinced. “Are you the same person you were at seventeen?”
“Yes. I am.” His outburst seemed to surprise himself, and he worked for composure, nostrils flaring as he inhaled deeply. “Let me be clear. I don’t care that you had platinum hair. I don’t care that your family’s…” He paused, looking at his dust-covered black dress shoes. “Different from mine.” His gaze snapped to hers. “Is that why you’ve kept all this from me? You thought I’d judge you?”
Outrage rose up and bitch-slapped whatever remorse she felt for turning down his public proposal. “Judge what, exactly? That I come from a Western town? That my family owns a diner, which just happens to be the most popular restaurant in the entire county? That my parents worked their hands to the bone to give us an amazing life? I can’t imagine what you see here that you could find in any way less worthy than your life.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It sure sounded like you did.” She needed to make herself very clear. “I love my family. I’m proud of them.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me about them?”
“You didn’t ask.”
“Do not put this on me.” He leaned into her. “What did you want me to ask, exactly? If you’ve ever had platinum hair? Beat up a kid so badly he missed school for a week? I’m sorry but, given your reserved nature, it didn’t occur to me that you’d had a torrid love affair in your past.”
“My…” Reserved? What was he saying? “Did you just tell me that I’m not good in bed?”
“No, I didn’t…Dammit.” He tipped his head back. “How did this all go so wrong?”
Like he was an animal in bed? He’d certainly never grabbed her hips from behind, hiked up her skirt, and palmed her ass in the balcony of a movie theatre. Or caressed her inner thigh under the table, driving her so wild she had to drag him into the ladies room to relieve the throbbing ache.
Her blood pulsed with excitement from the rush of vivid memories.
Dammit. Stop thinking about Fin. It was just so hard—after seeing him, hearing his heart-felt speech—to cross back into the present with Julian. She wanted to linger a little longer in the world Fin had conjured.
But her relationship—her future—was on the line. “It went wrong when you proposed to me at my brother’s rehearsal dinner.”
“Excuse me, but your ex-boyfriend, who is clearly not over you, just made a play for you in front of me. He acted like I’m not your boyfriend now.”
Right. So it had been territorial. “You proposed to make sure everyone knows who I belong to?”
“Of course not.” His brow creased. “I don’t know. I didn’t expect any of this.” He dug his hands into his pockets and kicked a rock into the street. It skittered and then stopped in the middle of the road. “You should’ve prepared me.”
“I know that.”
“Look, I asked you to move in with me because I wanted to live my life with you.” His tone had grown more somber. “Did I plan on proposing tonight? No. But of course I planned on doing it. One day.”
Wait, was he talking in past tense? Was he saying he no longer saw a future with her?
He tipped his head back. “You’re never going to be mine, are you?”
Oh, my God. This is like a pile-up on a highway, one hit after another. “Slow down for a second. First of all, I’m not with Fin. I’ll never be with him again.”
“It’s not about Fin. It’s about you. It took me a year and a half to get you to go out with me. When you finally did, you still held me at arm’s length. I’d hoped, when you agreed to move in, that you were finally ready to be all-in with me. But I was wrong. I guess when you invited me to your brother’s wedding…” He shook his head, one side of his mouth pulling up in frustration. “I thought I was getting into the inner sanctum. But hearing those people talk about you made me realize I don’t have you at all. So, yes, listening to your ex talk about you like…like you’re his soulmate, I’m man enough to admit I made a grab.” He shrugged, clearly pissed off. “I just wanted you once and for all to be mine.”
“You realize this is the first time I’m hearing any of this? You never told me you thought I was holding back.”
“I’ve been taking my time with you for two years, Calliope. Every step you took closer to me felt like a hard-won victory. Tonight, I see I’ve achieved far less than I’d thought.”
“No, no, no. You can’t put that on me. I didn’t know you needed more.” Would she have given it? After Fin, she’d been depleted emotionally. If Julian had asked for more, could she even say she’d had anything left in her reserve tank? “But now that I know, I’ll try harder.”
“You shouldn’t have to try. After two years, you should trust me—love me—enough to share everything with me. I should be the one you talk to. Confide in. But I see that’s not going to happen. You left your spirit here.”
“No, I didn’t. You’ve got it all wrong.” So explain it. “Fin and I…it was all about the drama. Come on, it was a high school relationship. We fought, we…” You what? Made up with crazy, wild sex?
Calm down and fix the situation. “He was my first boyfriend, and it was a tempestuous relationship, and I don’t want that anymore. If you want to know why I’m taking it more slowly with you, that’s it. All that fire…it burns out. And, frankly, I never want to feel that again.”
“Love? You never want to love like that? Because that’s how I love you.”
Oh, Julian, you don’t have a single clue about that kind of love.
“I love you, Calliope.” He reached for her, and every cell in her body rebelled against it. When she saw his horrified look at her rejection she told herself it was because she didn’t want to be possessed or consumed ever again.
Or maybe it was just the moment. Seeing Fin again—his speech, God—Julian’s proposal. All she knew was she didn’t feel the slightest bit romantic at the moment.
Julian took a step back. A prideful resolve settled over his features. “Do you love me? I’ve waited two years to hear the words, and I’ve never pressed you for them.”
She wanted to remind him he was eighteen months ahead of her in this relationship, and that was something she couldn’t fix.
When she didn’t answer right away, his features tightened. “It’s a simple question, Calliope. And it doesn’t take time to figure out. You either love me or you don’t.”
How could she explain that her feelings had been muted since Fin? Julian could never understand the kind of combustible relationship that had you screaming at each other one second and tearing your clothes off the next. That had you staying up all night talking because you never ran out of things to say. That desperate need to stay connected. Gripping, holding, thrusting into each other so hard and still not getting as close as you needed because human beings couldn’t fuse even when their hearts and souls demanded it.
She and Julian had a good relationship. And she didn’t want to lose it. “I love our relationship. I love our life together.”
Hurt flashed in his eyes, and his jaw gaped open.
She scrambled to find better words. “Everything you heard tonight…I don’t want to be that person anymore. I’ve worked hard to become the woman you fell for. This is who I am now. That’s never going to change. Do you understand?”
He glanced down the straight, two-lane highway. Headlights crested the rise in the road. “Sure.”
Anxiety gripped her. He could not get into that taxi. She wrapped a hand around his biceps. “I know this was an awful experience for you. I never imagined any of these stories would come up this weekend.” At her brother’s wedding. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my past. I hope you understand that I’m not trying to hide anything. I’m just focusing on my future. I like our future.”
“But that’s the thing.” He twisted out of her hold. “You are hiding.” He looked at her like she’d betrayed him. “Tonight I realized I only know the pieces you choose to show me. The great student, the beautiful woman with a smile that slays me. I know the creative thinker who keeps her cool under pressure. The woman who picks up after herself in my apartment like a weekend guest and makes sure I take my vitamins.”
“That’s me. That’s who I am now.”
“I don’t think so. The girl they were talking about in there? She hasn’t gone anywhere. I’m guessing she’s just nursing her wounds after a traumatic breakup.” Headlights bounced on the bumpy road, and the car slowed. “Look, you asked for time, and that’s exactly what I’m going to give you.”
“I don’t want time apart.” He couldn’t leave. She needed to keep him here. “I’ll tell you everything you want to know. I don’t have secrets, no matter what it might look like. Let’s just go back inside so I can be there for my brother, and we’ll talk when we get back to my parents’ house.”
The car slowed, and Julian raised a hand in acknowledgement. Then, he turned back to her, his mask of graciousness back in place. But she could see the sadness in his eyes. “Please go and enjoy your brother’s special night. I’d like some time to myself. We’ll talk in the morning.”
“I’m not….” She glanced to the house. What the hell was she supposed to do? She couldn’t leave, but she wasn’t about to let her boyfriend take off with their relationship up in the air. “I’ll go home with you.”
“You can’t miss your brothers’ rehearsal dinner.”
“You’re more important. I’ll—”
“I insist.” He looked at her like she was some drunk chick in a bar desperate to hook up with him. “Goodnight, Calliope.”
For two years he’d pursued her unflaggingly. She’d been the object of his attention.
Now, she watched him head toward the car, panic rising at his total detachment. “Julian.”
He opened the door and lowered himself into the back seat.
As the car took off, he didn’t even glance at her.