Chapter Thirteen

Nate

It had been a month since I had seen Carlos, a month since I had had my last seizure. I had never missed anyone so much in my entire life. I was heart sore but there was nothing that I could do to take that feeling away. I had tried to call and text him several times over, to the point where I was starting to feel like some kind of a clingy stalker. There had been no response and over the last week, I had given up on trying to contact him.

That did not make it any easier. Once or twice I thought that I had spotted him at the hospital when I went for my doctor’s appointment. I was never sure that I had though. The mind had a way of making you see what you wanted to see even if it was not actually there. I was afraid that it had been the case in the few times that I saw a tall man with long dark curls.

It was during the first week of the new month that I received word. I had not seen Carlos for five weeks. I had been out doing my grocery shopping – any excuse to exercise since my doctor had had me stop my workout routine for the present time being. When I arrived home, there was a message waiting for me on my answering machine. I put the brown paper bags down on my kitchen counter and walked over to it. I pressed play, wondering who it could be. The last thing that I had expected was to hear his deep, rich voice with its Spanish accent. My heart jumped in my chest.

“Hi, Nate… Uhm, I am really not sure what to say right now. It feels weird talking into a machine. I would rather speak to you than leave a message. Please call me back as soon as you can.” Beep. That was it.

The voice on the message sounded sad. I may have been simply imagining it or hearing what I wanted to hear but nevertheless, my heart ached for the man. He had not contacted me in five weeks. I wanted to hate him. I really did. I had been trying to be upset with him but more than anything else, I realized that I was simply sad. There was no room for any other emotion. I could not blame him because I did not know what I would have done in his position.

That was the reason that I had kept it from him. I had been so afraid that he would leave me if he knew that I could die at any moment. I did not want to put him in that position. Above all else, how could I expect anyone to love me? I did not believe that I deserved love. It was too much to ask that someone love me.

I had taken the risk with Carlos. I had believed that he was worth it. Ever since that very first night, I had known that I was taking a risk. I was tired of hiding and playing it safe. Every second since had been amazing. How was I supposed to go back to normality after that?

It took a lot of effort to wait but I forced myself to do so. The first thing that I wanted to do was hit the redial button and call him back. I did not want to seem eager—even though I was. I decided to make the dinner that I had gone shopping for, instead. I had managed to finally find the perfect recipe and I wanted to get the paella right once and for all.

My kitchen smelled amazing. The flavors were floating in the air, wafting in and out of every room in the most enticing of ways. It had been a process but I finally completed the meal. I grabbed a spoon and tasted to test. My mouth tingled and I moaned at the taste of the food. It was probably the best meal that I had ever prepared.

My hands were on the phone before I knew it. I dialed Carlos’ number from memory and hit the green call button. He answered on the second ring.

“Nate?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Why don’t you come over?”

“Now?”

“Right now.”

There was the briefest pause before he said okay. I hung up.

***

I had only just finished dishing up the paella when Carlos arrived at my door. We lived close to one another so I knew it would not take him long. It was a good thing that I had.

He was standing on my doorstep in jeans and a t-shirt. His hair was slightly damp and I realized that I must have called him just after he had showered. He looked immaculate.

“Hi,” he said softly.

“Hey,” I replied. I stepped to the side and allowed him to walk into the house.

“Something smells delicious in here.” He walked through to the kitchen and stopped in his tracks, gasping.

The table had three candles sitting on its center. It was set for two, our dinner dished up and presented perfectly. I had taken out a bottle of wine and I walked past Carlos to pour some for both of us.

“I was hoping that you might join me for dinner. I made paella.”

“You… Am I supposed to be able to say no to this?” Carlos smiled wryly, walking over to the table. Before he could, I moved to pull his chair out from beneath the table for him. It was my turn to be a gentleman for him.

I sat down across from him and we began to tuck into our dinner. The sound of Carlos moaning at the first bite made me smile. It felt oddly as though I had only seen him yesterday. It was like it had not been five weeks since my attack and the lunch that we had shared at the hospital. This was just another day like any other that I had spent with him.

When he had finished his meal, Carlos beamed across the table at me. “That was incredible, Nate. My mother would have been proud.”

I blushed, looking down demurely. “Thank you. I’m glad that you enjoyed it.”

There was a moment of silence where we looked across the table at one another. His expression had grown sad. “I’m sorry about these last few weeks, Nate… I have been an idiota. The last thing that I ever wanted was to hurt you.”

“I should not have kept it a secret from you. I’m sorry, too. I was afraid.”

“I know that.” He said. “There is a reason that I came to see you. I mean, besides the fact that I have been missing you terribly and have been desperate to see you.”

My heart swelled in my chest at his words. I was afraid that I would start tearing up so I stayed silent rather than answer him. I took a sip of my wine, waiting for him to continue.

“I… Do you remember your nurse? Her name was Jade.”

“Yes,” I said. “I remember her. She was very nice.”

“She is a lovely woman, yes. Well, she has not been able to drop your case and she has been worried about both of us. It is in her nature as a nurse.”

“Okay…?”

Carlos stood from the table. He was no longer looking at me as he spoke. He seemed to be trying to sort his thoughts before he spoke. “She found something. She’s been doing research on your case, you see. There is this procedure that they have been doing to help cure people of conditions like yours.”

“Wait… what?”

He looked at me then. I mean, he really looked at me. He met my eyes and walked over to me. Carlos got down on his haunches beside my chair and reached out to me. He took my hand and moved it to him. He pressed a kiss to the back of my hand. “She may have found a possible way to help you. It is risky though. They have never done the procedure so you would be the very first candidate. I don’t want to scare you by saying that but you need to know all the facts. It is a chance.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

Carlos bit down on his lower lip. “What do you mean?”

“Why did she not simply call me herself? Why are you the one who came? Did you want to?”

“Nate… I…”

I cut him off. All of a sudden there was a chance that I might be cured of something that I had suffered through for my entire life. He was only interested because of that. “You don’t want to be with me if I’m ill?”

“What? It’s not like that at all!”

“Really?” I asked. I stood from the table. “Then why are you here now? Where were you before? Why do I only matter now that there might be a way for me to get better?”

“It isn’t like that, I swear to you.” He said, standing up straight.

“Then tell me. What is it?”

“Fuck,” Carlos hissed. “I wanted to call you every day. I wanted to be at your bedside when you woke up. I wanted to hold you and tell you that everything would be okay no matter what. I wanted to tell you that I loved you. I wanted all of that.”

My heart was racing in my chest. I had to look up at him as he spoke. I had not missed the fact that he had just told me that he loved me but I needed to concentrate. “Then why didn’t you?”

“Do you remember me at all, cariño?”

“I don’t know what that is supposed to mean.”

“Many years ago, you lived in this town. You moved away and you came back here a few months ago. You were admitted to the hospital.”

I frowned. “Yeah. So?”

“I was doing my residency at the time. I was only in my first year. My trainer had chosen me to deliver the news to you that you would not make it through the night. You were the first person I ever told that they were going to die.”

I sat back down, thinking about what he had just said. My mouth had gone dry. I looked up at him, trying to remember. There had been so many times where the doctors had told me and my mom that I was not going to make it. I never knew if it was true or not anymore because my body somehow beat the odds and I stayed alive too many times.

As I looked at Carlos’ face, I started to remember. His skin was not as dark back then. His hair had been shorter but he had the same jet black curls. His face had been clean shaven and he had had less crinkles around the corners of his eyes. He had been leaner back then, too, if memory served correctly. He had grown to be formidable and strong, older and rugged. I remembered him. He had stuttered as he told me. I had known that he was only a student and I had felt bad for him.

I had been a teenager back then. Carlos was nearly a decade older than I was. We had both been different men back then. I was weak and frail and I had given up on my life. Why would I remember when someone told me that it was about to be over?

“I remember you…” I whispered.

“Nate, mi corazon, when I found out who you were… I was very disappointed in myself. We take an oath when we become doctors. I had broken that oath by getting involved with you. It’s true that I didn’t know it at the time but I couldn’t forgive myself for some time.” He paused and passed a hand over his face. “After that, I couldn’t forgive myself for what I had done to you. I knew that I had hurt you because I had hurt myself, too. I didn’t believe that you would ever forgive me for it.”

“You really are un idiota.”

Carlos laughed at that and the sound filled me with relief. If nothing else, I could still make him laugh. “I know. I am so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?”

“You would not have been invited to my house to eat paella if I were never going to forgive you, honey…”

He stepped to the seat once more. He bent forward and pressed a soft kiss to the top of my head. My hair had grown out quite a bit in the past while. “Thank you, cariño.”

“Okay,” I sighed. “What comes next?”