22

JILLIAN ALLOWED HER HEAD to rest against Geoff’s shoulder, closing her eyes and inhaling the familiar lemon and bergamot scent of his aftershave. For such a laid-back guy, the man liked his cologne.

Even after all these months, Jillian still couldn’t decide what she liked most about Geoff. Was it his smile that so often morphed into a bit of a goofy grin when he told one of his jokes? Or was it his hazel eyes with golden flecks and the way they warmed whenever he looked at her? Or the way his brown hair always looked as if he was in need of a haircut —and how soft it was when she ran her fingers through it while she kissed him?

Her last thought caused a small smile to curve her lips. Oh yes, she most definitely liked kissing Geoff, but that wasn’t why she fell in love with him.

Geoff’s work demands had lessened enough to allow for a Friday night in, thanks to her not being up for much else. Geoff had picked up their favorite MOD pizza —and eaten most of it himself. Now they sat curled up together on her couch, watching National Treasure, which Geoff had found as he’d searched for something on TV. The Nicolas Cage adventure always seemed to be available on some channel any hour of the day or night.

Three more days until Monday. Three more days until her third round of chemo. Jillian swallowed against the tightening in her throat. How would she feel in five days? In two weeks? Her hands were already more sensitive to hot and cold. Would the nausea linger longer than it had last time?

Jillian touched the pink piece of paper she’d slipped into the pocket of her sweatpants when she got home. The positive thought for today.

Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other.

If she looked at her chemotherapy sessions as individual races, then come Monday night she’d be halfway through her competition against cancer.

“You okay?” Geoff’s gaze moved from the TV screen to her. “Not interested in watching any more of this?”

“I’m fine.” She’d become quite an adept liar in the past few weeks.

How was she feeling? Fine. Lie. No, how was she really? Good. Lie. Anything bothering her? No.

Lie. Lie. Lie.

She shifted, curling her feet beneath her. “Can we talk?”

“Sure.” Geoff muted the TV. “What’s up?”

He was always so agreeable —and had become even more so after her cancer diagnosis. Agreeable —but distant. Was it just because he was so busy with work? How was she supposed to know if he was staying with her because she had cancer . . . or because he still loved her?

He hadn’t changed. He was the same hardworking, joking guy she’d fallen in love with. But she wasn’t the woman he’d proposed to. No, she’d changed in ways they’d never imagined. And Geoff was nothing if not loyal. He’d never walk away from her, no matter how his feelings might have changed.

She’d thought about this decision night after night, lying awake in the dark. She needed to do what was right and give him the freedom he deserved. She couldn’t spend the rest of her life wondering if he married her out of love or out of some sort of unfailing allegiance or, worse, pity.

Jillian tucked one of her hands beneath the soft blanket on her lap, unable to let go of Geoff’s other hand, even knowing what she was about to do. “I’ve been thinking about the wedding —”

“Great.” Geoff’s smile caught her heart off guard for a moment. “Did you decide when you want to reschedule it?”

“I don’t want to reschedule it, Geoff.”

“What?” A crease appeared between his eyebrows.

“I . . . I want to cancel the wedding.” Even though she’d known what she was going to say, hearing the words out loud pained her, like the initial sting of a needle when they drew her blood for lab tests. She always tried to prepare herself, to believe the tech who said, “This won’t hurt that much,” but somehow every poke and prod was magnified now.

“Cancel the wedding? For how long?”

“This isn’t about postponing the wedding, Geoff. . . . I don’t want to get married anymore.”

That was the biggest lie of all.

Because she did want to marry him. She did.

But she wouldn’t marry him. Not now. Not ever. Not like this. And there was no undoing this.

Geoff twisted to face her. “I don’t understand.”

“There’s nothing to understand. We just need to call off the wedding. That’s it.”

“Jillian, I know you’re halfway through your chemo. I know you’re tired. More emotional. But you’re going to beat this. I’m not scared —”

“Stop, Geoff. Stop.” He was saying all the right, understanding things he’d said before. And he’d keep on saying them. That was who he was. “You don’t have to prove anything to me. I get it. You’ll stick by me. But I . . . I don’t want you to. I don’t want to get married.”

No matter how her words made Geoff feel, he’d never know how saying them cut deep into her heart. How bits and pieces of her were disappearing, day by day. The mastectomy was only the beginning.

She was finally losing weight. How ironic that cancer caused the scale to move downward like she’d always wanted it to.

And she didn’t care.

By December, she’d lose her hair. She’d already talked to Harper, asking her to help shave her head when her hair started to thin out. It was just hair. No big deal.

“Take control of the situation,” the almighty “they” said. “Shave your head instead of watching it fall out because of the chemo.”

Fine. She’d be brave. She’d take control.

Now her words were separating her from the one man she’d ever loved . . . the one man who’d ever looked past all the things she wasn’t and seen her. Loved her.

Despite her declaration, they still held hands. Jillian had always enjoyed the sight of their fingers intertwined —a small, everyday representation of their closeness. She’d imagined them being that old married couple, walking along side by side, holding hands. Imagined people seeing them and smiling, wondering how long they’d been married.

She released Geoff’s hand, tucking her other hand beneath the blanket, too.

“Jill, honey . . . I understand you’re overwhelmed right now.” Geoff leaned closer as if trying to maintain some sort of connection. “We’re heading into the holidays and you’re still trying to keep up with work. And I know Payton’s conversation with your family was hard on you, too.”

“Geoff —”

“We’ll just postpone the wedding until this is all behind you and you’re not so tired.”

“This is not about me being tired. This is about me having cancer. I’ll get over being tired some day . . . but cancer . . . who knows how long I’ll be fighting this?”

“You’re going to beat this —”

“Stop saying that!” Her outburst startled Geoff into silence. “You don’t know that. No one knows that. Maybe . . . maybe I win. Maybe the cancer wins. The truth is even if I win, I won’t be the same.”

“I don’t care. I love you, Jillian.”

Before she realized his intent, he leaned over and pressed his lips to hers. He braced himself with one hand on the back of the couch, the other on the edge of the cushion beside her. The kiss was gentle, almost tentative. Only their lips touched. Geoff was so careful not to allow the weight of his body to overwhelm her —to hurt her in any way.

But even as she treasured the tenderness of his kiss, Jillian couldn’t respond. Not when she knew all too well what she lacked. A breast. A certain future of any kind.

And then there was the port. The scar. Her overly sensitive skin.

And cancer.

For a second longer, she tasted Geoff’s kiss before turning her head away, pressing her hand against his chest. “No.”

“Jill —”

“You need to leave. Please.” She kept her eyes closed.

And just like always, Geoff did what she asked of him . . . and left.

After the door closed, signaling that Geoff was gone, Jillian sat in the silence of her apartment, broken only by the sound of her breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. For the moment, she’d do the minimum required of her.

She reached over and turned off the TV. Sometimes good didn’t conquer evil.

At last, Geoff had stopped fighting her.

This was her normal. This was the life everyone expected her to have. Not breast cancer. No. But being alone.

Well, hadn’t she fooled them all —at least for a while? Fooled herself, too?

As she threw aside the blanket, her engagement ring sparkled in the light. Jillian pressed her fingertips against her eyelids. How could she have forgotten to give Geoff the ring? Lowering her hands, she twisted it around and around her finger.

“That’s the ring you like?” From the trio arranged on stands in front of them, Geoff selected the square-cut diamond set in a white gold band intertwined with a band of smaller diamonds.

“Yes.” Jillian held her breath, not quite able to believe they were looking at engagement rings.

Geoff took her hand. “Let’s have another look, shall we?” He stepped closer and slid the ring on her finger. “What do you think?”

“I think it’s perfect.” She caught herself. “I mean, we’re just looking —”

“I’ve found what I’ve been looking for —who I’ve been looking for my whole life, Jillian.”

Their gazes entangled.

“I know a jewelry store isn’t the most romantic place to propose, but I’d like for you to leave the shop wearing this ring —if that’s possible.” Geoff turned to the salesman, who nodded. “Jillian, will you marry me?”

She needed to take the ring off. She had no right to wear it.

The ring slipped off with almost no effort, thanks to her recent weight loss, falling into the palm of her other hand, where she covered it with her fist.

Funny how doing the right thing broke her heart at the same time.