7. Where Bear Goes to a Gay Bar
“DO YOU even know what you’d wear?” Anna asks me the next day. “You
don’t really have… clubbing clothes.” She looks at me disdainfully, as if my wardrobe is something cognizant and will bite her face off.“And you really do need to go all out, especially if it’s your first time going,” Isaiah points out even as Anna shoots him a dirty look. “What bar are you going to?”
We’re sitting at a metal picnic table waiting for our psych class to start. Isaiah had sat down without being invited, and Anna clearly is not in an invitation kind of mood. Isaiah doesn’t seem to mind. I don’t, either. He seems to be okay, especially when he’s not pressing me up against walls or kissing me. I’m sure Otter will just love that he’s sitting on my side of the table even though there’s more room on the other side. I know Anna sure does.
“PDXers,” I tell him. “Sounds… neat.”“That place is huge!” Isaiah says, laughing. “You’ll have fun, I’m sure. Hell, maybe I’ll even see you up there.” He gives me an appreciative leer that I don’t quite know what to do with. So I just stare.
“Yes,” Anna says, her voice hard. “Maybe I want to go too, just so I can see what happens when Isaiah meets Otter for the first time. I wonder how that would go.”
Isaiah waves his hand in an easy dismissal. “Walrus will love me,” he says, pretending to pick a hair off my shirtsleeve, but really just rubbing my arm with his finger, a long slow stroke. I pull it away. “He’ll probably end up angling for a threesome. Then I’ll have to get my animal name so I can be a part of the group. So Native American of you white boys. I’ll probably go for something like Falcon. Or Wolf.”
“Jackass suits you better,” Anna intones. “The noble donkey. And you’re white too. Pale and pasty white. Rather sickly looking if you ask me. Do you do drugs? You look like you do drugs.”
“I’m going to win you over,” he tells her with a laugh. “One day, you’re going to say my name without an ounce of contempt.”“I highly doubt that.”
“We’re not going to have a three-way with you,” I tell him, even though my dick thinks it’s a fantastic idea. Hormones that move independently of the brain are the bane of my existence.
Right. Hormones, it chuckles. That must be it. I almost believed you. “Maybe a two-way, then, huh?” he grins. “You and me, and then me and Walrus. I don’t mind going twice.”This causes me to see red for a moment, and I have to grip the table before I grab him on the back of his head and smash his stupid face down on the stupid table to get him to shut his stupid fucking mouth. My jaw starts to ache from how tightly I’ve got it clenched, and holding onto the table is almost not enough to stop me.
Anna sounds pleased when she says, “You see that look on his face, Jackass? That’s the face Bear makes when he thinks about anyone touching Otter but him. Otter makes the same face about Bear. So, please. Go on. I dare you.”
He cocks his head while studying me. “Looks more like a Care Bear to me than a Grizzly,” he finally says. “But I hear you loud and clear. Hands off in front of Walrus.”
“Hands off all the time,” I remind him.He plays offended. “You act like I have some disease that you’re going to catch.” He pauses and then looks at Anna. “I may not have thought what I just said through, and I hope you’re woman enough to take the high road.”
She shrugs. “Doesn’t bother me in the slightest. You look like you’re diseased.”Isaiah sighs and looks at me. “Are you going to let her talk to me like that? It would be nice to have someone here to protect my virtue.”
I roll my eyes. “Something tells me your virtue is no longer a problem.” He sniffs delicately. “Well, I never! And here I was, going to be all nice and let you borrow some of my clothes for your Grand Gay Adventure. I think I have some stuff that would fit you that I used to wear before I got all buff and hot. You’ll look so fucking gorgeous Walrus won’t know what hit him.”
“And I suppose you want Bear to come over to your house to try clothes on in front of you?” Anna says dryly. “Subtle, Jackass. Real subtle.”He grins and it’s wolfish. Maybe Wolf isn’t such a bad name for him after all. If you were into that sort of thing. Which I’m not. “Subtlety is not exactly within my nature. What’s the point of dancing around a situation when you can just tackle it head-on?” He winks at me. “Isn’t that right, Bear?”
I wince. “Are you always on? You could dial it back. Just a little.”“Where’s the fun in that? So, my apartment after class?” Isaiah asks, looking like he thinks it’s the greatest idea in the history of ever to get me alone in his apartment.
“If you’re going, then so am I,” Anna says, looking like she thinks it’s the stupidest idea in the history of ever for me to go to his apartment alone. “He’s got a point,” I admit grudgingly. “What the hell do I have to wear to a gay bar?”“Or any bar,” Anna points out. “You’re not really a ‘going out’ kind of person.”
“Having a nine-year-old kinda does that to you,” I remind her. “That, and the fact that I don’t really like to drink. Stupid shit happens when I drink.”
“Like what?” Isaiah asks.“Long story,” I say, glancing at Anna. She looks like she wants to smirk but is trying to stop herself. I wonder (like I’ve wondered often before) if she ever got pissed off at me when she found out I’d kissed Otter all those years ago when she and I were still together. It seems trivial to focus on the one thing, especially since it was such a small part of a bigger whole that I completely fucked up, but I can’t help but think she was the one I hurt the most through all of this, and even though she’s bounced back with a resiliency I should not have doubted, I don’t know if it’s because of her supposed guilt over dating Creed or a genuine need to see me happy. I’d like to think it’s the latter, but I know it’s probably a combination of the two. I don’t know if I need to apologize to her for anything again. How many times must a person say they’re sorry before it just sounds forced and false? I know, I know: blah, blah, blah.
“Do you ever have any stories that aren’t long?” Isaiah asks, sounding exasperated. “A person won’t be able to learn a damn thing about you unless they want to listen to you talk for days.”
“Hey,” I say, insulted. “Some people like to hear me talk.”“Especially his boyfriend,” Anna says snidely. “His gigantic, sweet, hotter-than-hell boyfriend who probably hates you for even breathing the same air as the person he’s loved for all his life and—”
“Jesus Christ,” I groan. “Give it a rest.”“Why?” she snaps at me. “So I can just sit here and watch you flirt with this tool?”
“You’re flirting with me?” Isaiah asks, arching an eyebrow. “I’m flattered. And I’m not a tool. Unless you want me to be.” He flashes a lascivious grin.
“I’m not flirting with you,” I reassure him. “You’re nice, but not my type.”Ha! it whispers. Hilarious. I thought we were done with the whole “less than the truth” thing. Admitting you have a problem is the first step toward recovery. Hi, my name is Bear, and I’m attracted to men who are not my boyfriend.
I don’t have a problem , I remind it. I have hormones and errant blood that seems to wander down to my dick without my consent. It’s called being in your twenties.
It’s funny how you always have an excuse for everything, it says as it chuckles. Lord knows your life will never be boring. Not honest, either, but at least it’ll never be boring.
“Not your type?” Isaiah scoffs. “I’m everyone’s type.”
“So what you’re saying is you’re a slut,” Anna says.
“If the cockring fits,” Isaiah says, grinning wickedly.
“You and me,” he says seriously, “we’re going to end up being best friends.”
“I highly, highly doubt that.”
Actually, I could almost see that happening, if they don’t kill each other first. But for once I keep my mouth shut. I don’t need to be under Anna’s wrath any more than I already am.
Isaiah had lived up to his promise and given me some clothes that he said would send all the boys running after me. I told him that I didn’t want boys chasing me. He said that I probably shouldn’t go, then. I told him that was my plan to begin with. He told me to stop being such a baby and then made me try on jeans that felt like a second skin but made my ass look a lot better than it actually is and a black, collared button-down that he said to leave unbuttoned halfway down. It made my chest look huge, the white skin there contrasting with the dark shirt so much that I looked like I glowed in the dark. Isaiah rolled up the sleeves, rubbing my forearms appreciatively while Anna scowled in the background. He took some goopy sticky crap and rubbed it through my hair, making it look messy on purpose. He then gave me a leather bracelet thing that I normally associate with douche bags and told me to snap it around my wrist.
When he finished, he stepped back and said I looked hotter than fuck. Anna agreed, although it killed her to admit it.I looked in the mirror and realized I looked like a whore. It was weird, because I knew it was my reflection I was looking at and I could still see the faint outline of the real me buried in there somewhere, but this Bear looked slutty and ripped and hot and gross. It didn’t help when I found myself flexing at my reflection just to see what it’d look like. Isaiah came and stood behind me, brushing invisible somethings off my shoulders, grinning at me in the mirror. That grin that said I told you so. That grin that said you love the way you look. I was never one for these things, because what would be the point? It was easier to focus on the reality of life, that Tyson needed a new coat or new school supplies. That the water bill was due. Our cell phone bills. I needed gas. Or food. I didn’t have time to care about the little bullshit stuff that some people get to worry about. But I wasn’t bitter because I’d never had them in the first place. And looking at myself in the mirror, all sheen and pretty and fake, I didn’t know if I wanted it.
And then my phone alarm when off, reminding me I had ten minutes to go pick up the Kid from school. I didn’t have time to change and flew out of the house with Anna trailing behind me and Isaiah shouting that he’d see me at the club because he wanted to see what happened when the sharks at PDXers got wind of fresh bloody meat in the water. Oh, and that he wanted to meet Walrus for the first time.
I was almost late picking up the Kid, who was standing on the corner impatiently, his eyes scanning the approaching cars, a nervous tilt to his shoulders. He saw me approaching, and the tension released, and he waved at me as he grinned. He opened the door and said, “Hey, Papa Bear! I wasn’t worried at all, you were just a little later than you—” And then he stopped. And stared.
“What?” I asked him as I started pulling out into traffic to get over to the high school. I glanced over at him, and his eyes were wide and one corner of his mouth twitched. “What’s the matter?”
He just stared.I scowled at him as I pulled into the high school and waved Dominic over. He got into the backseat and closed the door behind him. He reached up and patted the Kid on the shoulder twice, saying Ty’s name softly in greeting. Ty didn’t move. He followed Ty’s gaze until it hit me, and then his jaw dropped, and he started the same staring weirdness that the Kid was doing.
“What is wrong with you two?” I snapped at them.“You… you look… different,” Dominic offered.
I looked down and realized I was still wearing Isaiah’s clothes, the douchey leather bracelet on my arm, my hair all over the place that was supposed to be cool but reminded me of pretentious slacker assholes.
“That’s what people wear to gay bars?” Ty finally said. “Good grief, Bear. Don’t you think you should leave something to the imagination? You look like one of those out-of-control teenage girls on Maury Povich who get sent to boot camp to correct their miscreant ways.”
I’ve got to stop recording that damn show. “No more Maury Povich for you,” I said, scowling at him. “Stick with Anderson. At least he reports real news.”
“Be nice,” Dominic said. “Your brother looks good.”
“Thank you, Dominic.”
“If it makes you feel better, Kid,” I said, “I think I look ridiculous.”
Tyson rolled his eyes. “The only things you need to complete the outfit is a little soul patch on your chin and a diamond stud in one ear. I’m sure the women over on Miracle Mile would run in the opposite direction because they’re afraid you’re going to bitch-slap them and demand they give you the money they owe you.”
“Tyson McKenna!” I shouted even as Dominic dissolved into that rusty laughter of his. “You need to learn to watch your mouth!”“Why!” he shouted back, sudden anger flashing in his eyes. “You obviously don’t give a damn about what you look like, so why should I care about what I say?”
“What are you talking about? I care about how I look!”“No, you don’t,” he retorts. “Not if you’re showing up dressed like that.”
“I was at a friend’s house,” I told him. “He was letting me borrow some clothes, and I didn’t have time to change back. I’m not going to dress like this all the time.”
“Whose house were you at?” he asked suspiciously. “Nobody we know has clothes like that.”I was exasperated. “A friend from school. Anna was there with me, and she said I looked okay. Kid, just because I look like this doesn’t mean I’m doing anything else different. It’s just dressing up. It’s like… it’s like playing pretend.”
“You’re twenty-one,” he told me. “You shouldn’t have to pretend at anything. And who is this friend of yours, and why have I never heard of him?”
“Because I don’t have to tell you every damn thing I do!” I said through gritted teeth. “Christ, Tyson. Sometimes I think you forget who is in charge around here, that you forget who is adopting who. You’re the kid. I’m the adult. You need to remember that. I don’t have to go over every single thing with you!”
“Since when?” he asked incredulously. I tried hard to ignore the hurt I could see in his eyes. “We’ve always told each other everything. You said to me that it was the only way we could survive, that as long as we were honest with each other that we would be okay.”
“That was before—”“Before what?” he cut me off angrily, his little fists clenched at his sides. “Before Otter? Before this… this whatever you are now? Otter isn’t the magical cure you make him out to be, Bear. I love him, and you know that, but he isn’t everything.”
“And you are?” I snapped before I could stop myself. “Is that what you’re trying to say? That you’re everything? I hate to break it to you, Kid, but you’re not. You are the biggest thing in my life, but you’re not all there is. You don’t control it or me. We’re finally able to actually live, and you sound like you wish things were back the way they were!”
“Maybe I do!” he shouted at me, and I could no longer ignore the crack in his voice, the angry tears forming in the corners of his eyes. “At least then I’d know who the fuck I’m looking at!”
“I told you to watch your goddamn mouth! I won’t ask you again, Tyson. I mean it this time!”But he was on a roll. He wouldn’t stop, not for me, not for anything. And when he spoke next, my heart broke: “How long, Bear? How long is it going to be before you don’t need me anymore? You’re going to school, you’ve got Otter, and you’ve got new friends who make you look like someone you’re not, who want you to go to bars and drink and be stupid! One day you’re going to wake up and be like her! You’re going to walk out and leave me behind because you won’t need me anymore! Are you going to leave a note? A fucking letter that says you’re sorry, but you just couldn’t take it anymore? That I was too much for you to handle and you had to leave? What then, Bear? What about me!” By the time he finished, he was breathing heavily, his face was bright red, his cheeks wet. I tried to reach out my hand to him, but he knocked it away with a snarl. We pulled up into the driveway of the Green Monstrosity, and he jumped out of the car and slammed the door behind him before tearing into the house, leaving Dominic and myself to stare after him in a stunned silence.
I had no words, no ability to speak, no ability to even really think. I should have expected something like this, I knew. The Kid had gone through this transition more seamlessly than I’d ever expected, to the point where I’d become complacent when it came to him, assuming that he was as okay as I was, or at least on the road to being so. We’ve shared everything, from our neurosis to our inability to trust people, so why wouldn’t I think he’d be on the way to normalcy like I was?
Because he’s not normal, and I knew this. I’d told myself as long as he’d been around. He’s not like the other kids. He’s never going to be like them. He’s scary smart, scary fragile, scary scary. He’s opinionated, he’s loud and brash, he’s a vegetarian by choice, he’s my biggest supporter, my harshest critic. He’s funny and sad and happy and crazy, and he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I realized all of that in a few short seconds after the door slammed shut on the house. I realized that regardless of what had happened in the past, our mom leaving, how we cut ourselves off from the world, those nights we both lay awake wondering if we were doing the right thing, I realized that I would do it all again. In a single heartbeat. If it meant he would be by my side, if it meant I got to see the little guy he’s grown up to be, then yes, of course yes. There would never be any other choice
I realized I’d lied to him. When I told him he wasn’t everything, I’d lied. How can he not be everything to me? He’s grown to be the kid that any parent would hope to have, that any person would be proud to say is his own. He is my own.
Fuck.“He’s been worried for a while,” Dominic finally said, causing me to jump. I’d forgotten he was in the car with me.
“About what?” I said, my voice sounding almost as rough as his. I caught his eyes in the rearview mirror.
Dominic watched me for a moment as if gauging my sincerity. He must have seen something there because he took a deep breath, his eyes looking a little sad, and he said: “That you’re changing. That you’re leaving him behind. He doesn’t know what his place is anymore.” He sighed. “He thinks now that you have Otter, you won’t need him. That he’s really just been holding you back from the life that you’ve wanted to have but couldn’t because you had him. And then you show up today, looking like you do…. I think it just confused him.”
“He told you all of this?” I asked him, feeling heartsore.He shrugged. “Some. I kinda figured out the rest. You and Tyson are the same. You show so much on your faces. Maybe too much. I see how he looks at you sometimes. I hear things that he’s not quite saying. When you don’t talk a lot, you’d be surprised about what you actually hear.” This last part sounded almost like an admonition, but it was said in that same quiet voice of his, which sounds like it should have been harsh, but came out as kind. “Just reassure him, okay? That’s all he needs. I can handle the rest.”
As he stepped out of the car, I finally I asked him the question I’d been thinking the entire time I’d known him: “Who the fuck are you?”He turned back to me, and his lips quirked into a smile, one that felt rare because it was directed toward me and not the Kid. “Someone who cares about your brother,” he rumbled. “Oh, and Bear? One more thing, but don’t tell Tyson I said so. Or Otter. He’d probably kill me.”
“What’s that?” I asked.His smile widened, and for the first time, I saw a mischievous glint behind his eyes. “You do look pretty fucking hot in those clothes. It makes me wish I was a few years older. But I prefer the other Bear as well. There’s just something about him, you know?” And then he turned and shut the door behind him and walked down the sidewalk toward his house, leaving me to gape after him, wondering what the hell had just happened.
Obviously Otter had known something was up, and I gave a vague description of what’d happened, not fully explaining because I did not know yet what I’d thought of it. He understood I needed time to work it out on my own and knew I’d tell him when I was ready. He got the Kid ready for bed that night, and I could hear them talking about whatever from my position at the table, my homework splayed out in front of me but forgotten for the past hour. Otter said something that made the Kid laugh quietly, and the sound pierced my chest so much so that I thought I would bleed out right there.
And of course he ignored me the next day as I drove him and Dominic to school. I reminded the both of them that Mrs. Paquinn would be there to pick them up (and that they both needed to sit in the backseat in her car) because Otter and I would be on our way to Portland to check into the hotel and go out to an early dinner before having to go to the gay bar. Dominic nodded, and the Kid maintained his silence, and as he opened the door, I realized that this would be the first time in since I couldn’t even remember that he and I would be apart for any length of time. I wasn’t going to pick him up from school. I wasn’t going to make him dinner and listen to him chatter on about his day, or about how he thought Sarah Palin was a sure sign of a coming apocalypse. I wasn’t going to tell him some stupid story that I made up about how he’s the king of the world and that everyone converted to vegetarianism because he decreed it so and that PETA gave him a lifetime achievement award. I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t be away from him. What if something happened? What if he needed my help and I wasn’t there? What if there was a fire or a flood or any other biblical thing my mind could wrap itself around? But even as I reached out my hand to stop him, to stop myself, I knew that he needed to see I’d be okay on my own, and that he needed to see that he’d be okay. The thought knocked me breathless, and I almost stopped, but I grabbed his arm anyways.
He turned to look at me, his eyes narrowed, but not cold. Never cold. “I don’t care if you don’t believe me,” I told him quietly, “and I don’t care if I have to tell you this every day for the rest of our lives, but I will never leave you. You are my brother, Tyson McKenna, and I will never leave you behind.”
He watched me for a moment with those eyes that looked so very much like my own before he gently pulled himself from my grasp and shut the door behind him.
And then he was gone.
“
Otter seems to like it, if the way he’s stalking me is any indication. I smile at him as he reaches me and grabs me by the arm, spinning me around, checking out my ass encased in tight jeans. I laugh as I’m groped. “You look good, Papa Bear,” he growls in my ear. “But I bet I know why the Kid was pissed off at you now.”
My laughter stops as I step away from Otter. “Yeah,” I say, looking in the mirror above the chest of drawers. “He saw this and said I wasn’t me anymore.”
“Are you?” Otter asks me. “You didn’t have to dress like that. I love you no matter how you look.”I roll my eyes. “You’re biased.”
“So is the Kid,” he reminds me. “Maybe even more than I am. He’s gone through so much change in the last couple of months that it’s probably freaking him out a little bit. Where’d you get these clothes, anyways? You hate shopping for clothes. The last time I made you go with me, you told me you think you’d have more fun having bamboo shunts shoved under your fingernails.”
There’s nothing like hearing your own melodramatic quote to make your skin crawl. I probably should have told Otter about my trip to Casa de Isaiah sooner. This is going to be fun. “Uh, they’re not mine,” I say, stating the obvious.
Otter arches an eyebrow and looks slightly sinister. “Oh? And whose clothes would they be? Something I should know about, Papa Bear?”“Promise you won’t get mad,” I say nervously.
“Uh-huh.”
“So… I may have told Isaiah that we were going out here, and Anna said I didn’t have anything to wear and that I’d look like a homeless man trying to go into the bar, and then Isaiah said he had clothes that would fit me that he used to wear before he got hot and buff.”
“Hot and buff, right.” His eyes flash.
“And then Anna said that he was just trying to get up in my business and that he couldn’t be named like we are, but then she decided to call him Jackass because she said he looked like a drug-addled donkey.”
“Yeah, and then I said that I didn’t need to wear anything differently because I looked fine the way I was, but then he said he wanted to have a threesome with you and me, and then I got mad because I don’t want anyone touching you but me, and he said fine, we don’t need to have a three-way, that he could just fuck me and then he would have sex with you, and that got me really mad.”
“Well, how about that.” Jaw twitch.“So then Anna said if I was going, then she was going to go to his house, and so we went, and he made me look like this, and I thought it was kinda trashy at first, and it still kinda is, and then the Kid saw me and freaked out and told me I didn’t love him anymore, but then it got weirder, and I think Dominic is gay because he said he wished he was a few years older because I looked fucking hot.”
“He said what?” Eyes bulge.“Oh shit, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that. Don’t say anything to him, okay? But it’s weird, right? It’s like we’re a gay bug zapper and all the gays keep flocking to us because they think we’re bright and shiny, but all I want to do is electrocute most of them because they annoy the crap out of me with their high-pitched whining. Okay, not all of them. Dominic’s okay, I think. Isaiah can be… forward, but he’s not so bad. Ty seems to like David Trent. And… oh. Uh-oh.”
“Uh-oh what?” Arms flexing.“Uh… Isaiah might be there tonight. He said he wants to meet you, and Anna thinks you’re going to destroy him because he kissed me, and he calls you Walrus.”
“I am going to destroy him.” Lips sneer.
“Don’t be an idiot. I’m not going to do anything with him. Duh.” “He already kissed you!”
“I didn’t kiss him back!”
“No, but you went over to his house!”
“Oh, because you needed a chaperone? Is that it?”
“Are you really mad at me? Because if you are, I’d like to know now so I can make sure I ignore you all night, and your friends will think something is wrong between us, and I’ll tell them that we’re having issues because you have performance anxiety.”
His eyes narrow. “You wouldn’t dare.”
“Try me.”
He takes two steps toward me and fists the back of my hair, pressing his lips against mine in a devouring kiss, his tongue dueling with mine as he nips and sucks my lips and neck. “I’ll show you performance anxiety,” he snarls in my ear as his hands go snap the fly open on my too tight jeans, and my dick springs free, happy to be rid of its denim hell. I reach down and scrabble with his own zipper, and he knocks my hands away, still holding me pressed against his lips, his mouth now on my ear. His cock is hard and leaking as he pulls it out, and he grabs us both in one hand and starts jerking us off, his length hot and hard against mine. I wrap my arms up and around his neck as I sag against him, gasping for air that I can’t seem to find. His grip is so familiar, those talented fingers so much like home that it doesn’t take long before I’m shooting in his hand. He hears that telltale whimper in my voice and puts his forehead against mine, and we watch each other as I spill over, and then he spills over, and I shudder in his arms, but I can’t look away, I don’t look away.
He leans in and kisses me again, slower this time, the urgency gone. His hand is still wrapped around our dicks, and I almost hope I’ve jizzed all over Isaiah’s stupid clothes so I can change into something that’s more me. Like the worn jeans and hoodie I have in my bag.
“Performance anxiety,” he mutters. “Like anyone would believe that.” “Not a single person,” I agree, laying my head on my spot on his shoulder.He rubs his cheek against my hair. “Do we need to go home?” he asks. “Take care of the Kid?”
I think for a moment then shake my head. “He’ll be okay until tomorrow, I think. Maybe we can go home earlier than we planned. I want you to be able to see your friends.”
“Sounds like a deal,” he says, kissing and growling in my ear. “Bear?” “Yeah?”
“I love you, you know?”
“I know. I love the crap out of you.”
Then, “Bear?”
“Yeah?”
“I know.”
“Okay.” Silence for a bit, and then one final time, “Bear?” “Yeah?”
“Jordan told me that David is probably going to be there tonight too.”
“Uh… for the sake of argument, why not?”
“Fantastic,” I sigh.
Otter glances over his shoulder and grins at what is obviously my blown-out expression. We don’t have gay clubs in Seafare. We don’t have straight clubs in Seafare. I’ve never been in a place before where the music is too loud to have conversation; well, not if you don’t count those trendy clothing stores in the mall where everyone smiles at you with the whitest teeth outside of a toothpaste commercial like they’re your best friend and want nothing more than to help you buy a pair of two-hundred-dollar jeans that for some reason already have holes in them. I don’t go into stores like that. Kmart has jeans without holes for like ten bucks. I’m not picky.
Which is why I feel even more out of place as Otter guides us through the crowd, with me still dressed in Isaiah’s clothes because today was the first time I jizzed while wearing clothes without actually getting anything on the clothes. Trust me, I looked. Closely. It’s like God made our spunk shoot straight up into the air and land straight back down onto Otter’s hand, trying to show me that miracles do occur every day if you just look for them, regardless of the statistical improbability of semen projection.
Thanks, God. You’re such a pal.Otter stops to wait for the crowd to part in front of him, and someone bumps me from behind, and I feel a hand graze my ass. I look up and over and see some huge guy smiling at me, and he winks when he catches my eye. Apparently people don’t introduce themselves anymore. Is this what we’ve come to? Instead of saying, “Hi, my name is (fill in the blank),” you give my ass a handshake and smirk at me? Oh, yes. Oh, please do that to me some more. I’m so turned on by you, big stupid gross face. I glare at him, and he rolls his eyes and turns back to his friends, probably telling them that he just met the most frigid bitch in the history of the gay bar and that I wasn’t polite enough to grab his ass hello.
I think there’s a reason I don’t go to clubs. I feel like some country hick in the big city for the first time. It’s stuffy in here, and smells a little gross, like old sex and new sweat. There are a few women, but they are all standing around in the background, watching, waiting for what I don’t know. There’s a second floor with a balcony that wraps around the dance floor, and even more people are perched against the railing, watching, laughing, dancing. I think one guy’s getting fucked, but he might also just be choking and a concerned citizen is giving him the Heimlich maneuver. Without his shirt on. And I don’t think I make that face when I’m choking, so chances are he’s got a dick up his butt. So, that’s cool. I’m not really one for public displays of affection, but maybe that’s the only way that guy can get off, and his loving partner of twenty years is just trying to help him. That’s sure nice of him.
Otter pulls me up to the bar and leans over. “What’s wrong? You stink!” he shouts.I glare at him. “I smell fine, you asshole. I used your cologne.” He rolls his eyes and comes closer, his lips against my ear. I shiver. “I said, what do you want to drink?”
“Sorry!” I shout back. “This music, with the girl repeating ‘oh yeah baby, ooooh yeah’, is too awesome, and I couldn’t hear you!”
“Funny guy! Beer?”
I shake my head. “Water. Or a Coke!”
I barely suppress a groan. “If I have a ‘couple’, I’ll probably end up doing something I’ll regret later, like giving you a hand job under the table, or kiss you and make you run away to San Diego again.”
“I’ll take the hand job,” he growls, the gold-green growing darker. “And I promise I won’t run to San Diego, or even across the room.” Then he kisses me, putting a little more force into it than I expected, which is obviously why I’m feeling a bit weak in the knees. He’s let his stubble grow out a bit, and it scrapes against my chin, and for a moment, I want him to keep going, to give me a bit of a burn there, so people would know what it was and who it came from.
Probably easier just to get a hat with a neon sign on it that says, “If lost, please return to Otter,” it says, laughing. Jesus, needy much? You know, it is okay for you to try and have fun. Nobody likes a Negative Nancy.
Whatever. And I can’t believe you’re my conscience. Who fucking says Negative Nancy?Oh, please. I’m a trendsetter.
“I’m going to drink, okay?” Otter asks. Or tells me. I don’t know which.
I shrug. “I knew you would. It’s okay with me.” He looks like he doesn’t believe me. I put on my best smile, and I see something melt a little in his eyes, and I suddenly wish we were back in the hotel room so I could let him fuck me into oblivion. Better yet, I wish we were in the Green Monstrosity, in our own bed, and fucking there. But this is me being selfish and ridiculous. Otter wants to be here, to see his friends that he hasn’t seen in forever. He wants me to be here with him, to meet said friends. He wants to show them us, to show them what we have. And it’s not like his friends are stupid people, at least, not that I remember. Jordan was nice, from the scant memories I have of him. There’s a few others whose faces are blurry, but I know that I’ve met before. Oh, and David will be here. And Isaiah. Who knows? Maybe Jonah will show up too!
What could possibly go wrong?
Otter turns around again and hands me a glass that probably holds a third of a can of coke with the rest being ice. Otter grabs his beer and hands the bartender, who looks like his abs go up to his chin, two twenties. I watch as the bartender gives him back fifteen bucks, two fives and five ones. Otter leaves the ones.
“Christ,” I shout at him. “Is your beer imported from the moon? Or is this the last bit of Coke on Earth? I’d sure feel bad if I was the last person who could ever have soda!”
He shrugs. “Club prices.”Oh yeah, because that makes it okay. “You’re going to make me dance, aren’t you.”
He grins. It’s not the Otter grin, because it’s evil. “You think I’d let the opportunity pass by to show off your ass to everyone? Everyone here will be wishing they could be the ones grinding up on you, and I’ll know that they don’t stand a chance in hell. Of course I’m going to make you dance.”
“I think you are seriously overestimating my dancing abilities. My kind of dancing usually ends up on the Internet, where people watch it so they can stop feeling sorry about their own lives. You know how people say they have two left feet? It’s like I have no feet and my stumps are attached to wheels shaped like triangles.”
“You know,” Otter says as he grabs my hand and pulls me up against him, his hands wrapping around my waist, “that just happens to be my favorite kind of dancing.”
I smack him on the chest. “You’re totally angling to get laid again, aren’t you?”He laughs. “Is it working?” he asks, grinding his groin into my stomach. “Uh… I… what did you ask me?” I say, trying to stop my eyes from rolling back in my head.
“That’s what I thought. Let’s go find the guys.”
“Is this where I should do the whole ‘what if they don’t like me’ thing?” He leans down and kisses the tip of my nose. “Hey,” he says. “Hey, yourself,” I say back.
“You’re not really worried about that, are you?”
I think for a moment and can’t come up with an answer so I shrug.
“Bear, I know you don’t see it, even though I tell you constantly, but you are the most amazing individual that I’ve ever known.” Seriously, Otter should really give up photography and write greeting cards. But damn if it doesn’t cause my heart to beat faster. “They’ll love you, and even if, on the slimmest of chances they don’t, it won’t matter. What matters is I think you’re pretty damn cool.”
“You think I’m cool?” I say, trying to keep the incredulousness out of my voice, but not succeeding in the slightest. “Well, I think you’re rad.”He grins, and it’s that grin I know. “I think we’re meant to be, then,” he says with a faux wistfulness in his voice. “After all, you said you’re the only one who could put up with my bullshit.”
“Damn right.”
“So, no nerves okay? It’ll be fine.”
“Not much, it seems,” Otter reassures me. “But, hey, that’s okay too. You can just stay home with the kids and make sure dinner’s on the table when I get home.”
“Bastard.” I scowl as I hit him, trying to cover up how the word “kids” has shot straight through me. “I’m not your fucking wife.”“No,” he says, his eyes suddenly thoughtful and looking like he’s far, far away. “No, you’re not. But… hey. This may not be the best time to talk about this.” He takes a deep breath. “Bear, I’ve been thinking. A lot. Have you ever thought about… what… what if we—”
I don’t get to hear how he finishes that sentence as he’s suddenly pulled from my grasp and spun around, a delighted bellow coming from whoever has seen fit to interrupt whatever scary thing Otter had been about to say. Countless things shoot through my head, from Otter proposing that we adopt a Haitian child and name him something weird and trendy like celebrities do (for some reason, I imagine our Haitian baby would be named Textile Mills Thompson or Banana-Rama McKenna) or telling me that he was serious about me being his version of a stay-at-home mom (I would have to make sure I could find the brownie recipe and start pricing minivan/SUV crossovers—hell, I’m already a member of the PTA at the Kid’s school, so why not get my hair permed while I’m at it? This (of course) makes me wonder if men ever get their hair permed, and for that matter, do women still even do it? Or is that an eighties thing? I remind myself to look it up on Google when we get home).
Otter roars with laughter and wraps his arms around another guy, the man’s handsome face on his shoulder, eyes closed until they open and find me, and the smile widens. Jordan. He looks exactly like I remember him, his blond hair falling in waves down onto his shoulders, the beard on his face dark and thick. He’s gotten bigger than the last time I saw him, almost as big as Otter, and I wonder if it’s still possible I could go through a growth spurt at the age of twenty-one. Jordan’s still got that chip in one of his front teeth, and I vaguely remember him telling me it was from a time he’d been hit in the face with a bat in high school where he was apparently hot shit until he’d busted out his knee while roller-skating. I remember making fun of him incessantly about being so cool as to admit that he went roller-skating. Then, like so many things, he’d disappeared from my life after my mom left, after Otter left. I almost let myself focus on that, but I shove it away. Now’s not the time to wallow in self-pity. I’m in a gay bar, after all.
Jordan says something to Otter as he lets him go, and Otter glances back at me, and his eyes are bright as they watch me, and he says something back to Jordan as he holds out his hand to me. I reach up and grab his fingers and am pulled forward. “Jordan, you remember Bear,” Otter says, the obvious pride in his voice causing my face to burn. “He’s mine now.”
Jordan ignores my outstretched hand and wraps me in the same tight grip that he’d given to Otter. I yelp as I’m lifted off my feet and spun around in circles, Jordan’s laughter echoing in my ears. After what seems like days (and I’m pretty sure I’ve spilled the last of the world’s Coke all over the drag queen behind us—oh, woe, the loss!) I’m set back down on my feet, and Jordan puts his hands on my shoulders and grins down at me. “How could I forget?” he says, his voice whiskey smooth. “So, Bear, you’re the one I’ve got to thank for finally bringing this idiot to his senses and making him come home?”
My face is probably the color of a stop sign by now. “Uh… I don’t know about that. I think there was a bunch of other stuff too.” I shrug.Eloquent as always, Papa Bear, it laughs. Life of the party, you are. Stop talking like Yoda! I snap at it.
But talking like this, I like. Try it, you should. Popular, it make you at the gay bar.Otter grabs my hand again, entwining his fingers in my own. “He is,” Otter tells Jordan. “He just doesn’t like that much pressure put on him. That whole blush thing he’s doing right now? That’s because he’s embarrassed that we’re talking about him.”
I scowl. “Not helping.”Jordan looks amused as he glances between us. “You know, Bear, I was surprised when Otter finally called me back and told me what was what.”
“Oh?”
“I was busy,” Otter mutters.
Jordan shrugs. “We didn’t think you swung that way. You know, back in the day. Otter here would just get this faraway look in his eyes anytime your name was mentioned, and it was sad to watch after a while.”
Now it’s Otter’s turn to blush. “Oh really?” I say gleefully, feeling a bit more like myself, the first since we’d walked into the bar. “Otter? Care to comment?”
Otter blushes harder and looks down at his feet. But I feel the squeeze of his hand against mine, and I can’t help but to laugh. “You love me,” I tease him.
He rolls his eyes. “Duh. Glad to see you think that’s funny.”Jordan puts his arm around my shoulder and starts leading us away from the bar toward the back, where more people are sitting at tables and booths that line the walls. “It was always ‘Bear this’ and ‘Bear that’,” he says, loud enough to make sure Otter can hear him over the thumpthumpthump of some has-been pop star’s remixed latest cry for attention. “‘You guys will never believe what Bear said today.’ I’m glad you finally came to your senses and took pity on the poor guy. He’d have been lost without you.”
I don’t get a chance to reply as we come up to a table with a handful of guys. Some are vaguely recognizable. Others are strangers. One is my little brother’s fifth-grade teacher. Neat. I start to pull in on myself when Jordan says, “Gentlemen. Gentlemen! If I could have your attention, please! The prodigal son of Seafare has returned, and he’s brought his partner”—(oh, fuck me)—“who’s been the center of his world for as long as I’ve known him.” (Goddammit, Jordan!) “I give you Otter and Bear!”
The guys at the table immediately jump and start hollering so loudly it’s a wonder that anyone could actually still hear the music that’s being played. Immediately, I’m jostled and hugged, back-slapped and ass-grabbed, my hair ruffled, my cheek kissed, my ear whispered into, and I think someone said something to me in Spanish, but no one looks Latino, so I might just be making that up. Two seats appear as if by magic, and we’re thrust down into them, us on one side of the table and the other six on the other side. They grin at us.
I start to sweat.“You okay?” Otter asks, as I’m sure he can feel how clammy my hand is.
I nod and reach over and chug half his beer.
He laughs at me and leans over to kiss my ear. “I got you,” he says. “Awww,” our audience sighs.
Lame. Kind of.
Everyone starts talking at once, and I try to follow along with the conversation, but it’s almost impossible. Otter removes his hand from mine (probably because it’s dripping wet and gross) and sets it on my thigh, stopping my leg from bouncing up and down nervously. He leans forward and laughs at something someone says. People include me in the conversation, and I try and answer as best I can (read: as best as I can hear) and I take the time to scan the rest of them that I don’t quite remember/know. I suck at names, so there’s Muscles Magoo, who looks like his shirt will burst at any moment, his pecs giving serious consideration to crushing the table. There’s Guy With Glasses, who looks like he has a nervous twitch under his left eye, but then he glances at me and smiles, and I realize he seems okay. Captain Ass Muscles (David Trent) is doing his best to talk to a distracted Otter. I almost want to ask him how Ty’s doing in class just to get him to stop staring at my boyfriend like he’s the only thing on the menu. He probably doesn’t want to talk shop on a Friday night, but then I don’t want him eye-fucking Otter. Jordan is directly across from me, sitting next to a small man I’ve dubbed Mini Me, as he looks exactly like a smaller version of Jordan, and I try and remember if Jordan has a little brother or not. The last guy is Beer Me, four empty beer bottles in front of him, a glazed happy look on his face. I think I’ve met him before, only because I remember him being drunk then too.
But that all goes away when hands drop on my shoulders. I lean my head back, the effects of the half beer that I drank causing my skin to feel warm (I really need to work on my tolerance), to find a smiling face staring down at me.
Isaiah.
What’s he doing—
Oh, shit.
I almost fall back off my chair.
“Care Bear,” he says, grinning down at me, that wolfish smile in full force. “You look fucking gorgeous. Glad to see my clothes rock that tight little body of yours.” He leans on my shoulders to keep me from tipping over, the pressure of his hands digging into my skin. He’s wearing a black sleeveless shirt that’s entirely too small for him, but I think that might be the point because every muscle in his upper body looks like it’s straining to burst out through the fabric. His hair is wild and messy, like mine is, and his grip tightens even harder for a moment before I realize that the conversation at our table has stopped.
I look forward and see that everyone is staring at me (us?) and I immediately feel guilty, like I’ve done something wrong even though I can’t quite pinpoint what that could be. It’s only then that I realize my thigh is also in a vise grip, and I glance over at Otter to find him staring at me as well, except his eyes aren’t filled with gentle confusion like the rest of the table; no, his eyes are glittering dangerously, not quite yet black but growing dilated even as I watch. I try to think back to any time that I could point out where Otter was put in a position to show his jealousy and possessiveness, but can only come to when I’d told him about Isaiah and that whole debacle. We’d never really been in a position for him to feel jealousy (me, on the other hand, got to contend with Jonah. Oh, and David, who’s sitting across from me, now staring at Isaiah with something akin to finding a hundred dollar bill covered in crack on the sidewalk—do you take it or leave it alone?). But whatever Otter’s feeling is pouring off of him in palpable waves, so much so that it’s raising the temperature in the room and causing me to sweat again.
“Isaiah,” I say in greeting, amazed that my voice comes out sounding somewhat normal. “Nice to see you.”Isaiah laughs, and it comes out deep as it rumbles. “Oh, Bear. ‘Nice to see you’?” he mocks me. “That’s really all I get? I thought we meant more to each other than that. I mean, you were in my apartment, after all. With your ex-girlfriend, no less. God, that was a good day.”
“Bear,” Otter says, sounding like the last remnants of his control are about to snap. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?”I could think of at least seven hundred things I’d rather do, but I don’t think I should say that for fear of making the situation worse. If Otter and Isaiah don’t let up their holds on me, I’m going to be covered in bruises tomorrow. And even though I know I’m completely devoted to Otter, part of me thinks that sounds fucking hot. I am not a good person, it would seem.
“Isaiah, this is—”“Oh, you don’t need to tell me,” Isaiah interrupts. He lets go of my shoulder as he turns to Otter. “Let me guess, you must be Walrus?” I groan.
Otter stands, pulling himself to his full height, which is impressive by normal standards, but standing next to Isaiah (who’s the same height as me) makes it all the more intimidating. Isaiah might be buff, but he’s still a dwarf compared to my man. And that look on his face is not a happy one; if I didn’t know Otter and he was glowering at me like that, I’d probably be shitting myself silly.
But Isaiah doesn’t look scared or intimidated; as a matter of fact, he looks strangely amused and impressed. “Holy shit,” he breathes. “You’re a big fucker, aren’t you? I’m sure you’re… quite the handful.” He glances down at me. “Why didn’t you say he was a fucking gorgeous behemoth?”
“I did,” I say, scowling.
“No, Anna said that. You said he was neat.”
“He is neat. Like, super neat.”
“He’s the neatest guy I know,” I add.
“So you’re the guy that kissed my boyfriend, huh?” Otter says without a single trace of irony, ignoring my extolling his virtues completely.
“Ohhhh,” our audience exhales. Guy With Glasses and Beer Me immediately start to whisper to each other, Muscles Magoo just flexes his arms, Jordan And Mini Me glare at Isaiah like he’s the Antichrist (which, to be fair, he just might be), and David Trent looks like he’s enjoying himself far too much, and I want to reach over and karate chop that smug expression off of his face, but two things stop me: a) he’s my little brother’s teacher, and Ty is mad at me enough already; and b) I don’t know karate. Well, I kinda do, only because I’ve seen Enter the Dragon, like, seventeen times. I’m sure I can be a quick study. If not, I can just keep practicing on David’s face until I get it right.
“A friendly peck among friends,” Isaiah reassures him. “He was looking a little sad that day, and I thought to myself, ‘Isaiah, old buddy, you gotta bring that smile back.’” He shrugs. “You gotta admit, Bear’s got a killer smile. I was just doing my duty for the world.”
Oh, Isaiah. Please, oh please, just shut your mouth.“Are you for real?” Otter says incredulously, and I think that maybe I’m going to need to intervene in a moment because this is starting to get dangerously close to having two guys fight over me, and I think that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. In fact, a lot of my life seems ridiculous lately.
“Yes, Walrus. I am a real boy,” Isaiah smirks.Otter’s had enough. I should have told Isaiah that while Otter might seem like the coolest cat in the room, there are certain things that can cause him to snap. Apparently the thought of Isaiah getting up on me is one of them. “Now you listen to me,” Otter says, his voice low and harsh. “You may be in the same classes as Bear, and for some reason that I don’t quite get, he seems to think of you as a friend. I’m not going to be that guy who tells the man he loves who he can and cannot hang out with. But do not mistake that for complacency. I swear on everything that I have, if you ever try to touch Bear again, I will end you. If you so much as look at him like you’re noticing him in ways you shouldn’t, I will make your life so much of a living hell that you’ll wish you’d never tried anything in the first place. I am not a man you fuck with, and I will do anything to protect what’s mine. You got me? Isaiah?” Then he leans down and cups my face in his hands, kissing me ferociously, his lips hot and harsh against mine, his teeth gnashing against my lips.
Be still, my beating heart.Who says shit like that? Jesus fucking Christ, if I wasn’t already head over heels in love with him, I’d have fallen the rest of the way right now. All I want to do is take off my clothes and spread myself out on the table to let that big fucker take me six ways from Sunday while having a tattoo artist signing Otter’s name across my forehead.
Beer Me says what we’re all thinking: “That was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” The rest of the boys agree. Even Isaiah.“I can see that now,” he says slowly, as if trying to pick out the right words and having a hard time doing so. “And not because I’m scared of you in the slightest. Although, I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone ever threaten to end me. You sure know how to get a guy all hot and bothered, Walrus.”
“That’s not my name,” Otter barks at him.“Sorry. I meant to say Otter. Geez. Take it down a couple of notches, big guy. You made your point. Bear’s yours and you’re his, and you’ll maim and murder anyone who thinks otherwise. Who knew the caveman mentality was still a real thing?”
“Uh, Isaiah, it’s probably a good time not to say anything further,” I say. “Sit down, meet the guys, but for the love of all that’s holy, shut your trap for, like, six seconds.”
“I need another beer,” Otter mutters, stalking off toward the bar.
Isaiah shrugs. “It’s not like it meant anything. We’re friends.” Muscles Magoo laughs. “Then you obviously don’t know Otter.”
“I think we established that when I introduced myself to him,” Isaiah says dryly.Jordan shakes his head. “What he means is, if you’d known Otter and his history with Bear, you’d have known that kissing Bear was the dumbest idea you’ve probably ever had.”
“Let me guess,” Isaiah says. “Long story?”Beer Me shrugs, chugging down what looks like his seventh beer. “I never met Bear before today, and I don’t know Otter real well. But even I know you don’t fuck around with Bear. Otter’s like… like… like totally in love with the guy.” Beer Me shakes his head like he doesn’t get it. “To each their own, I guess.”
Gee, thanks, Beer Me.“What he means is that Otter has been in love with Bear forever,” Jordan continues. “Now that he’s finally got him, he’s not letting go. Otter’s very… protective of those that he thinks are his. It might be slightly misguided, but it comes from a good place. And if there’s one person you do not want to fuck with, it’s Otter.”
“You don’t say,” Isaiah says, looking so supremely bored that I want to smack him across the face. “And what about that guy that went with him to get a beer? The one that’s holding onto his elbow and laughing with him? Does he know this too?”
We all follow Isaiah’s line of sight and see David and Otter standing at the bar, David’s hand latched onto Otter’s arm, David leaning in and saying something that makes Otter laugh and shake his head. Otter’s shoulders lose their rigidness, and he doesn’t try to pull away from David’s grip.
“That’s my little brother’s teacher,” I grumble.“Pot, meet kettle,” Isaiah says as he rubs his jaw. “He’s hot for your man, it seems like.”
“They’ve got history,” Beer Me stage-whispers.
“And David hasn’t really gotten over it,” Guy With Glasses says.
“Some people are hard to forget,” Muscles Magoo adds.
“Not that it matters,” Jordan says, glancing back at me. “Otter’s not stupid. Especially after that little show he just provided.” His eyes grow stern. “Did you kiss him back?” he asks me.
I shake my head.“Bear maintained his innocence,” Isaiah says, patting me on the hand. “He’s a one-man kind of guy.” The others start talking among themselves, and he leans over and says for only me to hear, “You okay?”
“I’m fine,” I say as I glower at David, who’s now paying for Otter’s beer. They don’t seem to be walking back toward the table, obviously content to talk about memories past and how much they miss each other and how they just want to go fuck in the seedy back room.
“You want me to go run interference for you?” Isaiah asks. “David’s pretty hot, I gotta say. I wouldn’t mind helping you out with that one.”“You’re so selfless.”
He grins. “Don’t I know it. This David guy causing you trouble?”
“Well, if Walrus’s little fit is to be believed, you don’t have anything to worry about,” he says. “That man is obviously head over heels for you. It’s sickening, really.”
“Yeah, something like that,” I say, my voice hardening as David rocks his head back, laughing way too loudly at something Otter has said. Otter’s not that funny. I should know. I fucking live with him, I see him every day, and I’m about to stand and rush over to David and ask him what part of Otter’s introduction to Isaiah did he not understand and did he really think that just because Isaiah had kissed me briefly once that Otter would really just fall right back into his stupidly muscled arms like nothing else mattered?
“Now, there’s the claws I wondered about,” Isaiah says, laughing as he pulls me back down before I can rip David’s pretty little face off. “Walrus isn’t stupid, so there’s no need for you to be. Besides,” he says, leaning in, his lips near my ear. “I’ve got a better idea. Walrus already doesn’t like me, so may as well use that instead of you making a scene.”
“I’m not going to fuck you,” I tell him.
I think for a moment, but only a moment. “I’m sure,” I say. Isaiah watches me knowingly. “Well, why don’t we just leave it at that, then? You know how to dance?”
“Uh… not really. I’m more of the… not-dancing type, if you know what I mean.”
“Well, you’re in luck, because I make anyone who dances with me look good, so get ready for the ride of your life, baby. Walrus won’t know what hit him, and trust me, he’ll never even remember the name David. You ready?”
“I don’t know….”
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey, yourself,” I say back, unable to stop myself.
“You trust me?”
“Not even a little bit.”
I bump into a few other guys and apologize profusely but am promptly ignored in favor of the deep bass that thrums from the speakers overhead, causing my teeth to vibrate in their sockets. The lights are bright and shoot across my vision, and I’m blinded, if only for a moment. It’s in this blindness that Isaiah presses up against my back, his body liquid smooth as his hips begin to move against mine. I don’t know what I’m doing, and it shows. I’m stiff against him, my body unable to move with the fluid grace that he seems to have. “Just relax,” he shouts in my ear. “Let me lead.”
What have I got to lose?So I let go, as much as I can. Isaiah puts his hands on my hips and pushes one way and then the other, causing me to rock with him and against him. It’s dirty, this grinding, and I know I look ridiculous, but then Isaiah whispers in my ear to look, to look over at Otter, and I do, and I find his heated gaze on me, David left forgotten at the bar with a surprised look on his face as Otter prowls the edge of the dance floor, the gold-green almost gone to black, popping his knuckles as his lips twist in a sneer. Isaiah does this neat little roll with his body and slides up and down my back and breathes against the back of my head. “You so owe me after this,” he says, and I can finally feel his dick against my ass. “But you’re lucky I don’t want my favor right now.” He lets me go and walks toward Otter, who looks like he’d have no problem murdering Isaiah in front of everyone. Isaiah stops in front of him and says something, causing Otter to snarl in his face. Isaiah looks back at me and winks before walking off to the bar.
Otter’s in front of me before I even see him move. “What the fuck was that all about?” he snaps at me, pressing up against me.“Have a nice conversation with David?” I growl right back. “Don’t allow me to interrupt. He sure had a good hold on you. Rumor is that he’s not completely over you. But I think you know that.”
“Don’t be a dick, Bear. It’s not a good look for you.”
“Don’t be an asshole, Otter. Same thing applies.”
We stare at each other for a moment before I see the corner of his mouth start to move, and I try to stay mad at him for something, anything, but I can’t. It’s Otter. He still breaks first and laughs loudly and cups my face and kisses me. I breathe him in as I kiss him back, and his tongue finds mine, and there’s something oh so weird and oh so hot about making out in front of all these people, even though no one cares and I doubt anyone is watching. That thought is immediately put to rest when I hear catcalls coming from our table, and Beer Me shouts something indecipherable that causes them to laugh. Otter smiles against my lips, and I allow myself to think that maybe, just maybe, this will be for the rest of my life, that I’ll have this man with me for the rest of my life, that nothing, not Jonah, not my mother, not fucking David or Isaiah could take us apart. The gold-green is back as he watches me, and it’s like I’m all he sees. It’s like I’m all there is to him.
“What’d Isaiah say to you?” I ask.Otter snorts. “He said I better treat you good because if there’s ever a moment you’re single, he’s snatching you up and not letting you go.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, you know that’s not happening, right?”
He arches an eyebrow. “Oh I know. But now Isaiah does too.”
“What about—” I’m interrupted when my phone vibrates from my pocket. The screen is lit and showing I have a new picture message. I open it up and see Mrs. Paquinn has taken a picture of Ty, curled up in the bathtub in his PJs, looking like he’s sound asleep, his face lined with worry. Just thought you should know, the message reads. I can handle until tomorrow.
Crap. I show it to Otter, who immediately grabs me by the hand and pulls me back to the table. “Sorry, guys,” he says as he grabs our coats. “We’ve got to cut this short. Emergency back home.” The tone in his voice lets them know he’s serious. The guys immediately jump up and hug the both of us, asking us to let them know if there’s anything they can do. I scowl at David as he hugs Otter longer than he should until Otter pulls away and takes my hand again. Isaiah asks me to text him later and tells me he’ll see me next week. We’re out the front of the club before I can even think.
“Are you sure you’re okay with us leaving?” I ask him in a small voice. “I know you haven’t seen your friends in a while. I feel bad making us leave early.”
Otter puts his arms around my shoulders and pulls me close, leaning down to kiss my forehead. “You’re kidding, right? Bear, we have to go take care of Ty. There’s no place else I’d rather be. Don’t feel bad. I don’t. We gotta stop by the hotel and grab our shit and check out. Text Mrs. Paquinn and let her know we’ll be home in less than two hours.”
Then something else hits me as we reach the car, and he unlocks and opens my door for me. “Otter?”“Yeah, honey?” That word again. Fuck.
“You were saying something… in the bar. Before Jordan grabbed you.” Shut up, shut up! “What… what were you going to ask me?”
He watches me for a moment as he waits for me to get in the car. He closes the door behind me and walks slowly around the front of the car, his brow furrowed. I’m terrified at what he’ll say when he opens the door, and it’s the longest five seconds of my life. I lean over and unlock the driver’s door of his Jeep, and then his hand is on the handle and it pulls up and the door opens, the cold pouring in, and he sits down and closes the door behind him. He puts his hands on the steering wheel and exhales and opens his mouth and says, “Let’s just focus on Ty for now, okay? Let’s go home and take care of the Kid. It’s not important.”
But it is important, I know it is. But do I say anything? Do I insist? Of course not. I just nod. And look away.Eventually, though, somewhere outside of Portland, as we drive in silence through the dark, he reaches over and grabs my hand and doesn’t let go.
“I DIDN’Tmean to cut your trip short,” Mrs. Paquinn says as she opens the
door at one in the morning. “I’m sorry if you thought I did.”
“It’s fine,” Otter says in reassurance. “We were ready to come home.”
She smiles. “Did you have a nice time? I’m told at those bars they have men who dance around in cages with dollar bills around their privates and not much else. Sounds like my version of heaven.”
“We had fun,” I tell her, itching to go down to the bathroom and wake up the Kid. “A little loud, but it was fun.”“We’re homebodies,” Otter says, raising my hand to kiss the knuckles. “Especially when the Kid needs us.”
“He’s just worried, I think,” Mrs. Paquinn says quietly, no recrimination in her eyes and voice. “Not that it’s founded in anything, but… I think he’s just in a fragile place right now. Probably overwhelmed with all the change that’s occurred in his life.” I try to protest halfheartedly, but Mrs. Paquinn silences me with a gnarled raised hand. “It’s not a bad thing, Bear McKenna; how can it be? All that you two have received in these last months is a blessing, and you’ll never hear me say otherwise. Tyson is an old soul: he might portray strength, but he’s still made of glass and must be handled as such. But he could not be in better hands.” She raises her hand, and it shakes as it touches my cheek gently, and all I can think of is—
bear-rick—getting down the hallway as fast as I can, to scoop him up and let him know that I will never let the earthquakes get too strong. “Now,” Mrs. Paquinn says, “I will leave you to it and will see myself out.” She starts to protest as Otter hands her a wad of bills for her services, but he ignores her and opens her purse and puts it in her pocketbook for her. She kisses us both on the cheek and steps out into the night. I watch until she’s safely in her car and on her way before shutting the door behind us.
“You want me there with you?” Otter asks me.I don’t even have to think about it. “Yeah. He needs to see us both, right? It’s not just him and me anymore. Or even you and me. It’s the three of us, and he needs to understand that. Let’s just get him out of the bathtub, and we can talk tomorrow.”
And that’s what we do. Otter follows me into the bathroom, and I have to stop my heart from tearing in two as I see the Kid curled up at the bottom of the bathtub, his hair falling over his face, his pajamas riding up one leg to reveal white skin. He shudders once, and I realize he must be cold. I can’t leave him in there anymore. I bend down and put my right arm under his legs and my left arm under his head and lift him up into me. God, he’s so little. So light. How could something that weighs so little mean so much? I don’t have an answer to that question, even though it seems like it’s all I can think about. I watch him as I walk down the hallway of the Green Monstrosity, and I think he might wake, but he just mutters to himself and rolls his head over and buries it against my chest. There’s a huff, then, and a sigh, and he relaxes. I pass his room with a look, and Otter doesn’t say anything. I know he’s fine with this. I put the Kid in our bed and pull the covers up and over his shoulders to keep him warm. Otter hands me my pajama shorts and we change in the dark, not speaking, but somehow knowing what each other would say if we did.
I crawl in beside the Kid and Otter follows me in, and we pull the covers up and over our heads for the Cave of Bear and Otter, but now made for Bear, Otter, and the Kid. He spoons up behind me as I reach over to brush a fallen lock of hair off the Kid’s forehead. The last thing I remember is the way the moonlight falls across my little brother’s face, allowing me to see him clearly one last time before I fall asleep. It’s enough, for now.
I’M AWAKENED to sounds of the bedroom TV quietly playing CNN in the
background and Otter snoring loudly in my ear, his arm laying heavy on my side. I crack open an eye and find the Kid watching me.“You came home,” he says finally, his voice betraying nothing. “I thought you’d be back this afternoon.”
“We decided we’d rather be here.” I yawned, stretching to allow my back to pop. Getting old sucks.
“Mrs. Paquinn didn’t call you or anything?”
“About what, Kid?”
He shrugs. “Kinda had a bad night.”
I pat the pillow next to my head, and he sighs as he lays back down, his little hands tucked under his cheek as he faces me, his nose inches from mine. “Why was it a bad night?” I ask him.
He reaches out and touches my cheek, my forehead, my hair. “Just got scared, I guess. I don’t know. It was stupid.”“Earthquakes?” I ask him lightly.
“Yeah,” he whispers. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I didn’t feel good, and I didn’t know what else to do.”
“I know you didn’t, Kid,” I say as his hand comes down to play with my fingers, an action so like him that it causes the breath to be knocked from my chest. “Why’re you scared?” I manage to get out.
He rolls his eyes but can’t seem to look at me. “It’s dumb,” he mutters. “I’m a smart person. I know things a lot of other people don’t. I could do everything they throw at me at school with my eyes closed and still do better than everyone else. So I don’t know why I get like this, that I think these dumb things. But I can’t get them out of my head, and it hurts.”
I grow concerned. “Like, you have headaches?”He shakes his head as he picks at my fingernail. “No it’s… hard to explain, Papa Bear. It’s like… you know how you get sometimes, when a thought gets in your head and you can’t get it out, and Otter and me make fun of you for it because you never end up making sense when you speak?”
“I’m aware of this, yes,” I say dryly, only to see a sliver of a smile ghost its way across his lips before it disappears.“It’s kind of like that. I know you won’t leave me. I know Otter won’t leave us. I’m smart. I’m rational. But… it just gets in there, and sometimes I don’t know what’s real or not. It’s like I can’t breathe, and I get scared because I don’t know what I’d do without you, Bear. I think I’d just lie down and die.”
Ah, fuck me.“I’m not going anywhere,” I tell him roughly, grabbing his hand between my own. “I don’t know what it’ll take to make you believe me, but I’ll do it. I don’t care what it takes, Tyson. You tell me what I need to do and nothing will stop me from doing it.”
He sighs as he watches me. “I know, Bear. Don’t you think I know that? I do, I promise I do. I’m just broken, I guess.”I kiss the back of his hand. “You’re not broken, Kid. You’re just a little guy. You’re just a little guy, and I’ve probably pushed us too fast. Moving and school. That whole thing with Anna. Mom. Otter. I’ll be honest, I don’t know how you’ve done as well as you have. It seems like everything is going so well that sometimes I forget you’re not used to things like this, that you had things the way you like them, and I had to go and change everything.”
He looks slightly panicked. “We don’t have to move again, do we? I like it here, Bear! I don’t want to go back to that stupid apartment. I like my room! I like Otter being here every day and Dominic being right down the road. I promise I won’t get upset again, Bear! I don’t want to move.” By the end, his breath was catching in his chest, his face red, eyes wide. I drop his hands and cup his face, holding him still so he won’t try and squirm away.
“Now, you listen here, Tyson,” I say, doing my best to sound like Otter. “We’re not going anywhere, okay? I like our house too, and I like my room and Dominic and I happen to love the guy that sounds like he’s growling behind me. We can’t leave. There’s other people that depend on us now, other people that need us. What do you think would happen if we just left? Dominic would be pissed off because he needs you, because you’re his best friend. Otter needs us because we’re his family now. Did I tell you he said that? He told me he’s proud that he has his very own family now, one that he doesn’t have to share with anyone else.
“There’s always been you and me, Kid, and I’ve always done my best to make sure you’re okay, and you’ve always done the same for me. And I think we did fine, the way we were. But that wasn’t living, Tyson. That was getting by. And you don’t deserve that kind of life. And I’m starting to think I don’t, either. We’ve got people now, people that will be sad if we’re gone, people who want us around. I don’t think I understood what that meant. Not… before she left. Certainly not after. But that doesn’t matter anymore.
“And there’s one thing I want you to remember, one thing I want you to know for the rest of your life, no matter what else happens in the future, no matter where we end up. I need you to remember one thing for me. Can you do that, Kid?”
He nods as his breath trembles from his body.“You remember that I’ve got you. Okay? Whenever things look rough, whenever you don’t think you can take another step and those fucking earthquakes seem to be able to tear you apart, you have to know that I’ve got you. I promised you that a long time ago, and I think I’ve been pretty good at keeping my word to you. I may have messed up a bunch of other times and probably will again, but I will never let you down. You hear me? I’ve got you, and that will never change.”
And that’s all he can take, and it’s all I can take, and suddenly he’s in my arms, the weight of him the greatest thing I’ve ever known, and he cries into my neck. I thank God, that malevolent bastard, who’s done his best to knock us down, who’s seemed to have a personal vendetta against the Kid and me. I thank God because the only way that I have the Kid as I do is because of some miraculous occurrence, some unbelievable twist of fate. Throughout the shitstorm that’s been our lives, through everything we’ve had to endure, something somewhere thought I’d do okay by him. That I’d give him what he needed, and that in turn, he’d give me everything.
It’s moments later, and the Kid’s breathing has calmed, my neck wet and snotty and wonderful. Otter’s arm is still draped over my waist, but his snoring has stopped, and I know he’s awake, but I don’t know for how long or how much he’s heard. That’s okay, though. I hope he’s heard enough to know the Kid is good. Not all the way, but getting there. Just like Otter and me.
“This is probably why I’m in therapy, huh?” the Kid finally says, causing me to laugh.“Probably,” I agree. “That and the fact that you’re the smartest nineyear-old vegetarian ecoterrorist-in-training on the planet. I’m sure Eddie is going to turn you into a well-adjusted adolescent.”
Tyson raises up and smacks me across the chest. “You wish,” he says, scowling as I wipe away the wetness from his cheeks. “I’m going to be like this forever.”
“I hope so, Kid.”“Can I go get some cereal and eat it in your bed? I like watching CNN in here, and Anderson is coming on to do a special morning report on bovine growth hormones that I just can’t miss. It’s supposed to be life-changing.”
“Sure, Kid. We’ll have breakfast in bed. Can you bring up that pizza in the fridge? Don’t worry about putting it in the microwave. It’s better that way.”
He rolls his eyes as he slides off the bed. “I’m going to pick off the multilevel animal genocide you call toppings. Seriously, Papa Bear, you’re going to have a heart attack by the time you’re thirty. Not even Otter will love a bald man with heart palpitations. He told me.”
I throw a pillow at him as he runs cackling from the room. And then it’s quiet.
“How much did you hear?” I finally ask him.
Otter rolls over on top of me, his massiveness giving me serious ideas of either asphyxiating or getting a boner. I think some people try to do that at the same time. Weirdos.
He looks down at me with the gold-green shining and says the only thing he can, the only thing that’s necessary. There’s that Otter grin, and before his lips touch mine, I think of the sun.
“Enough,” he says as he lowers into the kiss. “And you know what? I’ve got you both.”