Gage was still lying in bed when I walked back into the room where’d we slept together. I couldn’t believe I’d just slept with a potential murderer. What the hell was I doing with my life? What was I doing here with this motorcycle gang? I was throwing everything away by sleeping with him, but God, his body was so delicious, and he pleased me in ways no one else had. He was so full of himself, but he knew exactly what to do to my body to get me off time and time again.
I knelt down next to the bed and put a hand on his shoulder. “Gage,” I said lightly. “Gage, wake up.”
He rolled away from me, mumbling incoherently in his sleep. There was no way he was a murderer, I thought. I wanted to climb into the bed with him and wake him with my naked body rubbing against his, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t let myself get pulled further into this mess.
I walked around to the other side and tried a little harder to wake him this time. “Gage,” I said in a louder, firmer voice. “Gage, wake up. We need to talk.”
“Huh?” He shot up in the bed and looked around the room frantically, with panic briefly contorting his features. The muscles in his arms and chest tensed up, and I lost my will to confront him. I wanted to touch him with my fingertips and with my lips.
“It’s just me,” I told him.
He looked at me, then back at the bed. A goofy grin came across his face as he realized he was sitting on the bed naked. He ran a hand through his wavy dark hair, pushing it back in place from where it had fallen around his face. “How long was I out?”
“Not long,” I assured him with a smile.
“Well, I take it you went down to see Dimitri again,” he said, looking me up and down.
“I did, and that’s what I need to talk to you about,” I admitted, sitting down next to him. I couldn’t hide the dread in my voice, and he heard it.
“This sounds pretty serious,” he said as he turned and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. He brushed my hair aside and kissed my neck.
I wanted to give in again. I wanted to let him take me right there on the bed, a second time today, but I couldn’t. I pushed him back gently and stood up. “This is serious, Gage,” I told him, turning to face him.
“Okay.” He looked confused, and I knew he had no idea what Dimitri could have told me.
“I have something serious to ask you,” I said, bracing myself for what I was about to say. Saying it would make it real, and regardless of his response, the doubt would be there.
“You have been talking to Dimitri, haven’t you?” The uncertainty and confusion in his face began turning to concern bordering on anger.
“Yes, Dimitri and I have talked about some things.” I tried to keep my voice level and even, though I was felt like I was going to fall apart before I could force myself to say anything to him.
He grabbed his clothes and started getting dressed.
“Well, what did Dimitri have to say today?” Gage sat back down after pulling on his jeans. His massive chest disappeared behind his white t-shirt.
I took a deep breath. It was now or never. I knew that once I opened my mouth, there would be no turning back. Whatever was happening between us would probably end, and Dimitri had probably just bought himself another beat down with what he told me.
“Tell me about your last girlfriend.”
I could have slapped him from the look on his face. He sat back, slack-jawed, completely blindsided by my question. He rubbed the stubble forming along his jawline as the initial shock faded.
“Why do you want to know about her?” he asked cautiously, obviously trying to get me to tell him what I already knew.
“Dimitri told me you killed her so you could get out of a deal that went south.” My voice sounded so feeble, even to myself.
Gage didn’t say anything right away. I could see him digesting what Dimitri had told me. The longer he thought about it, though, the angrier he looked.
“What does he know about it?” he growled. “He wasn’t there.”
“He told me as much,” I assured him. His growing anger radiated from his body like heat. I instinctively took a step back and drew his attention back to me with my movement.
“I think your visits with our Russian friend have come to an end.” He narrowed his eyes at me. A chill went up my spine. I felt I was in danger. The last thing I wanted to do was to draw his anger towards me.
“I think if I keep talking to him, he’ll crack,” I protested meekly.
Gage stood up, and I had to tell myself not to cower back further. His seething anger was the calm kind that gave no indication of what his next move would be. I didn’t want to be too close when he finally lashed out. I also wanted him to know I could stand my ground, even in the face of someone like him, who towered over me and shrouded me in the shadow he cast.
“No. I’m not going to let you keep talking to him just so that he can keep filling your head with this idea that I’m a dangerous man.” The anger was rising to the surface. His voice was curling at the edges as the flames licked it.
“You still haven’t denied it.” The words were out before I even had a chance to filter the thought. That was one of those things I wished I could have unsaid.
“What would you have done?” There it was. There was his anger. It erupted in his booming voice that reverberated throughout the room and shook me down to the bone.
“I wasn’t there, Gage. I wouldn’t have been there. This is not the life I want to lead. I don’t want to be part of this shit. Torturing people, killing people, selling drugs and God only knows what else? I don’t want that for myself.” His anger ignited my voice finally. I didn’t want to hide anymore. I wanted to get in his face. I wanted to scream. I wanted to leave.
“Then you just don’t understand. Maybe you should go. Maybe I should find someone else who won’t get so involved, who won’t try to understand so much about what’s going on. You obviously can’t just do the job.” His voice had calmed, but his words were still full of venom.
“I think we both know that leaving won’t solve anything. How do I know I can leave without having to check over my shoulder? How do I know I won’t eventually end up in Dimitri’s chair?” I hurled the questions at him.
“How do you know you won’t end up down there with him if you keep this shit up?” he growled.
We stood chest to chest with our faces mere inches apart as we talked. I kept waiting for him to kiss me. I longed for something to happen to turn this confrontation around. The tension between us threatened to explode if we continued not to give into it. He should have known I wasn’t about to leave. I couldn’t leave.
His chest heaved. His hot, ragged breath came through flared nostrils like fire. He looked like a bull getting ready to charge. If I didn’t leave right then, I knew I would probably never get another good, clear chance to walk away.
I took a step back and broke the tension between us. His body immediately relaxed, and I knew I was doing the right thing. My heart immediately stopped pounding as hard in my chest. It was obvious to me then that we were bringing out the worst in each other. While our passionate sex was amazing, that same passion drove tensions between us. Ours was a one-way street to disaster, and I couldn’t let it get that far. I had to get back to work.
“You’re right about one thing,” I told him.
“What’s that?”
“I got too involved. I tried too hard to understand the events surrounding yours and Dimitri’s relationship. I’m not cut out for this kind of work.” I started walking towards the door, but a giant tattooed hand landed on it in front of me. He held it closed so I couldn’t even open it.
“Where are you going?” he growled behind me. He stood close enough that I could feel his body heat. It tugged at me. It tried to pull me back to him, and at any other time, I would have welcomed the embrace it promised. This was not one of those times, however.
“I’m leaving you to your work,” I answered without turning around. I closed my eyes and silently begged him not to pull me back. If he had even tried to hold me back, I would have stayed. It was so easy with him to stop caring about everything else. He was already too comfortable for me.
“Okay.” I heard the resolve in his voice, and I felt the weight of his hand lift from the door.
I opened my eyes and opened the door. There was no way it was going to be this easy, I knew. As I stepped into the hallway, I waited for him to say something, anything, to stop me. He remained silent behind me as I walked away.
After making it about half way down the hallway, I felt his hold on me start to slip. The inertia that pulled our bodies together failed, and I was let go. I was able to break free. At the stairs, I turned back and expected to see him standing in the doorway watching me, but he was nowhere to be seen. He had retreated into the room, away from the door.
I hesitated before I took the first step. I knew that once I started, that was it. Once I took the first step away from him, I would not be able to turn back. I glanced down the hall to his door one last time and realized that I had indeed already taken the first step in walking away from him, from this.
At the second floor, the clubhouse, I kept going. I walked around to the stairs leading down to the garage, and for a brief moment, for just a split second, I considered going downstairs and helping Dimitri out. I didn’t, though, because I figured those two deserved each other. Furthermore, I didn’t need to know how their story ended. My story ended here, I had decided.
I fished out my phone as I hit the sidewalk. I ordered a cab to meet me at the corner. I wasn’t going to settle for waiting for one to come by. As I reached the corner, I looked back. No one had followed me. No one stood outside to watch me leave.
I was finished, and not a moment too soon! If Gage had found out about the drug deal, I could have easily wound up in the same position as his old girlfriend. I could have found myself in the middle of the whole thing. I had a life to return to. I had a future ahead of me.
I hesitated with the cab door open because I also had my mother’s medical expenses, and the money Gage had promised me after completing the job would certainly have helped me to catch up. I considered going back and finishing the job, but I had made it this far on my own, without any help from people like Gage Noll, and I would just have to keep pushing myself along until I got caught up. I could do it on my own. There was no easy way out for me. The easy way out required sacrificing too much of my dignity and even my life. I wasn’t okay with that.
Without anything on me other than my phone and a little bit of cash in my pocket, I slid into the back of the cab and told the driver to take me home.