Chapter 50
There comes a moment in everyone’s life when you’re hit with a pang of undeniable clarity. Sometimes it’s about your career choice. Or your next love. Maybe it’s finally finding the right major. The right house. The time to walk away, or the time to stay and fight for what you want. The chance to make a mistake you know will be worth it, or the choice to stay on your path.
Or, if you’re me, it’s the moment you choose your fate.
I could look at it like the end of the road. Like the morbid truth it may be. Instead, I decide to see it for the beginning it also is. The end of suffering for a brave and selfless soul and a chance at the peace they so deserve.
I’m gentle and fluid in my movements as I dress for today. A warm, soothing strength flows through my veins. The thin sweatshirt slips over my body like smooth silk, and I’m slow and calm as I brush my hair. I listen to the soft tap of my boots as I glide across the floor, feel the final click of my room’s door wash over me as it closes.
Claire and Bobby catch my gaze, and I smile as I steadily pass them by. It’s not a wide, cheerful smile, but soft and content. Bobby’s brows furrow, but his lips quirk all the same. Claire waves, her eyes lingering on me with a quiet curiosity. Fresh, spring air fills my lungs as I step outside, and I breathe it in. Trees bloom with new life, strangers chatter as they breeze past them, not even noticing the beauty right in front of their eyes.
But I do. I notice everything. From the green leaves to the red dirt. From the blue skies above my head to the sidewalk below my feet. Each step forward is so easy, like this is what I’m meant to do, and I focus on the serenity that knowledge brings me. Not the fear bubbling beneath.
I don’t stop until I reach it, the narrow road I recall so vividly. It looks different now than it did then, though. Then it was clouded and dark. Tree branches were barren, the cold air sharp enough to sting. Today, full-bodied trees shadow the sleepy road, shading it in a cloak of mystery and peace. I make my way to the tree. Our tree. The first one he ever pinned me against, and a crooked smile lifts my lips. I stroke the rough bark, then turn around and lean against it.
Just one more deep breath. One more rush of air before I go. I swallow it down, reveling in the sensation.
And then I’m ready.
Closing my eyes, I let my surroundings wash away. My heartbeat may be whole again, but my dreams tell me we are still connected, he and I. And if we’re still tied together, then so am I to his world. There’s no manual on how to do this sort of thing. No instructions laid out for me to follow. So I focus my energy on blocking out the things around me. The things that connect me to my own world.
With my eyes still closed, the blue skies turn black. The lively wind against my skin fades into a vague caress, and the bird calls become echoes in the distance. It’s not long before I feel it. That pull. That tug, lulling me into its binding spell. The coldness rushes through me, and I don’t fight it this time. I soak in the ice, the deadly silence that lies so still in wait.
With my heart back at full strength, this place doesn’t have the full control over me it once did. And this time, it doesn’t have the advantage of surprising me. Of frightening me with the unexpected, the unknown.
This time, I’ve come on my own determination.
This time, I’ve come prepared.
I open my eyes, coming face to face with the familiar sea of darkness.
“Enzo.” I let his name pour out of my mouth in a whisper, knowing he’ll hear me. Hoping he’ll break his promise. Hoping he’ll come for me. Hoping he’s not already too far gone. That he’ll remember. “Enzo, I need you.”
When there’s no answer, I try again. I have to try again.
“Please. Come find me, Enzo. Come find me.”
Within seconds, the fire builds behind me, his burning touch is on my waist, and my eyes widen. I let out a shaky breath. He’s here. He came for me. His grip tightens around me, and I try to engrave the sensation into my brain as I let him pull me away. When we reach the brink, that fine line between his world and mine, I dig my feet into the ground, stopping him from going any farther. There’s still nothing but endless darkness before me, but I know that behind me, where Enzo stands, is a different sight. The trees and the wind, the birds and the dirt.
We’re walking the foggy line between life and death.
I spin around so I can see him, and my heart tightens in my chest, crushing me all over again. He looks down at me, gaze boring into mine, but the green has all but washed away. Black and grey clouds are fixed on me, his expression a stone wall. A stranger and yet not a stranger at all.
“Enzo,” I whisper, reaching up and gently cupping his face with my hands. “My sweet, strong Enzo.”
I slide my fingers over his jaw, until they’re brushing back the hair on his forehead. A tremor runs through him beneath my touch, his eyes falling shut and his grip pulling me closer. My breathing picks up as my chest threatens to burst from within me.
He does remember. Maybe deep down, he’ll always remember.
I lean forward, standing on my tiptoes and lifting my chin. “Kiss me.”
His eyes are still closed when I softly press my lips to his. A shudder slides over him again, muscles rippling as he fights not to kiss me back. I close the small gap between us and wrap my arms around his neck, allowing the curves of my breasts to press against his hard chest, allowing the slight trembles of his body to shake my own. When I run the tip of my tongue over his lips, he breaks.
Strong arms pull me tight as his lips part for me, and he quickly takes over, a rough groan rumbling through him and making me moan in response. He tilts his head, his tongue sparring dangerously with mine, and he gives my lip a bite that tells me he’s not pleased. But the way his fingers dig into my hips argue that, and soon his tongue is wandering to my neck and my head’s falling back.
A small voice in the back of my mind orders me to stop. This is not what you’re here for, she reminds me. You’re running out of time.
I whimper at the thought, but I know what must be done.
My head snaps up, and I guide his lips back to mine. My eyes are wide as I watch him lose himself in devouring me, and a tear slowly slides down my cheek. Our tongues still tangled together, I latch onto the strong and steady sound of my heart’s beat. The beat that belongs to him. Then I do it. I breathe. Straight into his mouth. I seal my lips to his, pouring my oxygen, my soul, the very life of me, into his lungs.
The way he once did for me.
His kiss softens, eyes drifting open. They’re dazed and heavy, confusion taking over. I don’t stop. I breathe and breathe, giving all of myself to him. I wonder if he feels it the way I did; a strong beat playing in his chest and a flutter running down his spine. Can he feel the life pouring through him?
As though in answer, something fierce flashes in his gaze, and he tears his lips away from mine, releasing me from his grip and stumbling back a step, toward the road that’s blurred behind him. “What . . .” His breathing is hard, uneven as he takes a look around like he’s seeing the world for the first time. “What did you do, Lou?” It’s a growl, angry and confused all at once.
More tears spill as I realize it’s working. It’s really working. He’ll finally have his life back. I try to smile, but I know it must look lost and strange.
Because that’s how I feel as the darkness around me seeps into my skin in a whole new way. The ice is no longer ice, but prickling needles pounding into my skin, my soul, one after the other. I cough, the oxygen in my lungs evolving into something dry and scratchy, and this time it’s me who takes a step back.
Closer to the darkness. Further from him.
“No.” His hands are in his hair. His jaw is tight, body rigid, his eyes greener than I’ve ever seen them in my life. “No, no, no. Dammit, Lou! What the hell did you do!”
My voice is steady when I answer, no trace of regret because there is none to be found in my heart. “You saved me once, remember?” I whisper. “Now I’ve saved you.”
His head is shaking. “You weren’t meant to save me, Lou. You’re meant to live your life. A full—” He stops, his face twisting for a second as his fingers come up to rub his chest. He tries again. “A full . . . a long—”
He cries out, dropping to his knees with a hand clutching his chest, and a pang of fear ripples through me.
“Enzo?” I rush forward, but the darkness only stretches before me. It’s becoming a thick cloud of smoke, slowly inching up from the ground like it’s building a wall between us. I try again, but I can’t get through. The pull, the tug to the other world, it holds me back like firm hands planted on my shoulders.
Panic floods me, my mind spinning so fast it makes my vision blur. I can’t go to him. Can’t help him. I’m officially a slave to the darkness, the growing haze before me the equivalent of steel bars, my prison. As I squint through the fog to find him heaving, the cold seed of fear in my stomach shoots through my nerves until my entire body is tight with it.
“Enzo!” Talk to me. I need to know what’s happening. I need you to be okay. It isn’t until he brings his gaze to mine, full of pain and anguish, that I see it.
The red.
So much red.
Seeping out from beneath the hand that squeezes his chest. Sliding over his fingers, clinging to his T-shirt. It’s a gash. A hole. A wound. Just like the day of his car accident. The day he was on the brink of death.
Oh god. Enzo.
I did this to him. Singlehandedly.
And now, all I can do is watch him die.