CHAPTER 21
The rain hit the area less than twenty minutes later. Ram sat at his slit and watched the pall become heavier, a thick veil covering the mountainous region. He didn’t feel sorry for any of the bastards who had died under his withering fire. There was evil in the world and he took great pleasure in seeing it eradicated, no matter what form it took. Those drug soldiers had raped many women and children, he had no doubt, and in this very black-and-white world, they didn’t deserve to live to harm any more innocents who couldn’t protect themselves against such violent assaults.
His mind—and yes—his heart, moved gently to Aliyana once more. Just saying her name was like a soft, gentle breeze that calmed his rapid-fire mind. He had PTSD probably just as badly or worse than Ali, and his mind was always frantic, looking for threat potentials around him 24/7. Sometimes, like now, that came in real handy because it made him super alert and super intuitive. But other times when he was leading his civilian life in Alexandria, in his office at Artemis Security, it was a nasty constant, which didn’t help him at all. Then, it was an inner war going on inside him, and he tried not to let the prowling PTSD monster out to hurt others around him. It was exhausting for him on some of those days.
If they got out of this fix alive, he wanted to see Ali on a personal basis. Ram swore he could see her interest in him as a man to her woman, but he was unsure how to proceed. Her golden-brown eyes were giving him meaningful looks, and he swore she wanted to know him on a deeper level. If only the past hadn’t put up so daunting a wall between them. She’d fallen back into the old pattern with him just a short time ago, and Ram recognized it and consciously stopped himself from going down that thorny path with her. He didn’t want to hurt Ali. He only wanted to protect her, keep her safe, and get to know her on a peaceful basis to see if there was anything else there between them besides acrimony and great teamwork under pressure.
Rubbing his bearded face that would need a shave when he left this hellhole and got back to civilization, Ram tried to figure out how to let Ali know he was interested in her and wanted to explore how they might have an ongoing and intimate relationship.
But how could he broach the topic with her? Right now, this mission wasn’t helping his cause at all. His mind ticked off all the conversations they could have, as well as his fears of her reaction to his request. Ali would probably look shocked over him wanting to know her personally. Of course, timing was everything . . .
When would they have that kind of lull in their profession, and find a time and place where they could be relaxed and not on guard against tangos and other sinister characters? Ram understood that once Ali got back to that Mexican Marine base, she’d probably stay with her sister, Cara—and that was where she should be. But after that? Would she take a full-time job at Artemis? He knew Cara’s life was now center stage, not the new job waiting for her.
He had no idea what Ali was going to do once they completed this mission. She’d probably walk away from him without a backward glance. Family was important to her and he recognized it as such, trying to minimize his emotional reaction to it. The selfish side of himself wanted her with him at Artemis, not in Tucson, trying to help her sister recover from all of this. Shaking his head, Ram knew he had a lot more growing up to do. Just because he didn’t have a family he ever wanted to see again didn’t mean others felt like him.
He was slated to fly back to Alexandria and rejoin Artemis to become a Senior Mission Analyst again, which would give him downtime to recover from this mission. He’d have his condo in town, Mazzie would always be at the door to greet him when he came home at night, he could go to the gym at the office and work out, have lunch with some of his buddies at a local eatery and catch up on security gossip, since it was such a small world—but, he wanted Ali to be a part of it.
All his wishing did not stop the feeling of loneliness that ate away at him. And the more he was around Ali on this mission, the more Ram realized she was the missing puzzle piece to his life. If only she wanted to explore what they might have. Was it foolish or arrogant to think she’d want him in her life on a personal basis? His mouth twisted. Probably. Ali didn’t suffer fools for two seconds.
So how to approach her? What were the right words to use? Hell, he felt like the proverbial fish out of water trying to figure this one out. Fuck. Ram hated that his social skills were lousy at best. He wasn’t a PC kind of dude. Anything he’d picked up, socially speaking, was after he’d joined the Navy, from his SEAL buddies, and their skills weren’t always softball or particularly diplomatic, either. And he had to have both in order to approach Ali and not trigger their past patterns again.
Now, he wished he had a woman friend he could go to for counsel and suggestions. Women talked to one another. They were great communicators. Men were the complete opposite: close-mouthed, never able to give words to their feelings. Never had he felt more blocked socially than right now. The women he’d had draped all over him were years earlier, when he came back from deployment to Coronado, where his team was stationed. They didn’t want talk, they wanted action. The moment they entered certain bars on the island, it was a given that the women there were seeking out a SEAL to bed. Ram never wanted to go to bed with a woman who wanted to put another notch on her belt, and then brag about it later. There had to be something else to get him to bed a woman, some kind of emotional connection, but he had never delved deeper than that because they were always one-night stands.
He heard Ali approaching and turned his head. She had the sat phone in her hand, a happy expression on her face. Coming next to him, she knelt down one knee, inches separating them.
“I just got done talking to José at the Marine base. All the hostages have been picked up by a US Army Black Hawk and they’re on their way to Davis-Monthan in Tucson. From there, they will be debriefed.” Her voice softened. “José knows my family lives there, so he made a special call to talk with my parents about Cara and her present condition.”
“How is she?” Ram asked.
“She refuses to talk about it. José knows that at least two of the German women were raped in front of her.”
“Those bastards,” Ram growled.
“Yes. It’s horrible. Cara is in shock, which is understandable. My parents are going to pick her up as soon as the debriefing team calls them. They’ll take her home after that.”
Nodding, Ram could see the agony in Ali’s eyes for her sister. “That’s good news, Ali. What about you? As soon as we get out of this situation, will you fly home to them so you can be there for Cara?”
“Yes,” she said, her voice a little emotional, “that’s exactly what I intend to do. I’ll call Wyatt and ask him to delay my coming in to work at Artemis. I’m sure he’ll understand and grant me the time that I need.” She hesitated and then asked. “What about you, Ram? What will you do once we get out of this?”
“Fly back to Artemis, file my report, and become a Mission Analyst again.” He saw something in Ali’s eyes, but damned if he could translate what the hell it was. Frustration tightened his throat. Right now, she was vulnerable with him, not falling into their past pattern with one another. He was almost ready to say something when she spoke.
“Listen, I have a request to make of you.” She held his widening gaze. “If you can take me out of the equation when I tell you this, I’d appreciate it. My parents are begging José to bring you home with me. They know you were the leader of this mission and they really want to thank you for saving Cara’s life. My mom is Native American, and she wants to hold a tribal celebration at the reservation for you. I don’t know how you feel about such things, but our family is a mix of American Indian and Mexican, so we have all sorts of ceremonies, religious and otherwise.” Her voice turned pleading. “I know this is probably an imposition for you, Ram, but could you do it? Not for me, of course, but for Cara and my parents? They are so indebted to you and the others who risked their lives to save their daughter. It would mean so much to them. And I know Cara would like to personally thank you for your part in getting her free.”
Stunned, Ram stared up at her. “Sure,” he managed in a croak, “I can do that for you, Ali. Why wouldn’t I?” He saw her grow sad and then give him an apologetic look.
“I’m finding you aren’t the man I used to know, Ram. There’s more to you than I ever realized. I’m seeing these different sides of you on this mission and I like what I see. That’s why I got up the courage to ask you to consider coming home with me for Cara’s and my parents’ sake. I honestly didn’t expect you to say yes.” She reached out, briefly touching his upper arm. Her voice was unsteady, eyes filling with tears. “Thank you . . . thank you for doing this for them. That means more than you know to me . . . ”
Ram felt all her emotions toward him in that moment. Being vulnerable meant they could feel and read one another so much better. It rocked his world. “Look, let’s be clear here, okay? I’m doing this for you, too, Ali.” He saw her lips part momentarily, her eyes reflecting surprise in them. Then, he saw a sheen of tears come to them and she quickly swallowed, pushing them away. Her reaction stunned him. Could she have feelings like his? Was she happy that he was going home with her for her, too, and not just as a hero to her parents and sister? Ram didn’t have a clue, feeling like a blind man in a dark room.
“I-I didn’t realize that,” she uttered, giving him a confused look. “I think Wyatt will be okay if you spent a bit of time at my parents’ home in Tucson—don’t you?”
“Yes, I can file my after-action report to Artemis via encrypted software. I don’t have to be in the office to do it.” He saw delight enter Ali’s face, and her cheeks flushed. Or, maybe she was relieved? Happy?
She had seemed startled that he was coming because of her. Well, let it sink in, and maybe she’d start seeing him differently. That was all Ram could hope for.
“I know my parents will insist you stay at their home. We have a guest bedroom. My mother wouldn’t have it any other way. Could you do that? Not stay at a hotel, instead? Please? It would mean so much to all three of them.”
“Well,” he said gruffly, “I’m not much on families, Ali. But I’ll be happy to try if that’s what you want.” Besides, he wanted to be close to Ali, whether she realized it or not. Of course, he wasn’t about to own up to that right now with her. At least, not yet . . . maybe never.
“Really? You’d stay with them? Seriously?”
He heard the shock, right along with the disbelief, and then joy in her low, husky tone. His lips twitched. “Sure, I’d do that for them.”
“I know we don’t get along well, Ram, but if you could be nice to them?”
He looked away for a moment, mouth thinning. The silence hung between them and he finally turned his head, meeting her hopeful gaze. “Look, Ali, I want a white flag of surrender between us, too. I don’t want to have what we had before. I’ve been trying like hell to be different and come across to you in a less harsh way than I once did. I don’t want a war between us anymore. I want peace. Can we jointly work toward that goal, instead?”
He saw the stunned look in her eyes. She rubbed her brow and gave him a wry look. “Yes, I’ve noticed you’ve been trying to be nicer since we met again. I’m the one who seems to be knee-jerking this time around, not you. And I appreciate you taking the high road with me, Ram.”
He was right there with his answer. “Hey, I didn’t let you in on how I really felt about seeing you again, Ali. You’re not a mind reader. It’s okay and I understand. I just cringe at the word ‘nice,’ is all.” He saw the beginnings of a grin come to those beautiful lips he’d always wanted to kiss.
“Yeah, being the badass you are, and all,” she said wickedly, a glint in her eyes, “nice isn’t a word that would probably describe who you are.”
A crooked grin appeared. “I know that wasn’t an insult you hurled my way, Ali, so relax. Will you?”
She squelched a laugh. “Fair enough.”
“One thing?”
“Yes?”
“Do you think you can call me Ram from now on. Not by my last name in front of them?” He saw her consider his request, amusement lingering in her look.
“You’re doing something special for my folks and for Cara—I’d crawl over cut glass for you. It won’t be an effort for me to call you by your first name when we get home. Okay?”
“This isn’t exactly a cut glass kind of situation, is it?”
“My mother is going to probably be a pest, Ram. That’s just how she is. She’s a toucher, a hugger, a squeezer, a kisser. And most men don’t like to be showered with that kind of overt affection.”
Shrugging, he murmured, “It’s better than having bullets thrown at me. Right?”
Laughing very softly, Ali said, “Better than bullets. Yeah. Oh, and my father’s a big hugger, too.”
“How did you survive it as a kid?” he wondered, gently teasing her in return.
Instinctively, she retorted, “Well, most parents hug and kiss, and are affectionate with their kids, Ram.” And then she hesitated, remembering his terrible childhood. “I mean, when a family is happy together,” she stumbled, suddenly embarrassed by her mistake, giving him an apologetic look.
“I’ll survive it, Ali. So, no worries, okay? I want to be there for Cara. She’s the one we need to focus on, not me. I promise, I’ll be a good house guest for you. Fair enough?”
Ali lost her smile and became somber. “Yes . . . thank you. I guess . . . well . . . I didn’t expect you to say yes, but you did and I’m glad.” She tucked the sat phone away in her vest, lips set. “I’m so worried for her, Ram. You and I both know what combat is like. We know what it’s done to us. Cara lives in a safe little world of her kindergarten classes and children. She’s never been exposed to what she had to just go through. I’m so worried for her . . . ”
Ram reached out without thinking, touching her arm to comfort her. The second he realized what he’d done, he removed his hand. “Look, she’s a civilian, Ali. No civilian is up to handling what she just went through. It’s not that she’s weaker than most people. She just hasn’t been exposed to violence like we have, and we were trained up for it. We know what to expect and that gives us some ability to shield ourselves. Most Americans haven’t been that exposed. I’m sure she’s going to be pretty torn apart, especially seeing two of the German women being raped in front of her. But she’ll have your support and love as soon as we get out of this situation. You can let her talk and you can understand better than anyone in your family what she went through. Talking is healing. I know you’ll be a witness, a listener, for Cara. That’s exactly what she needs upon returning home.”
“I have such a powerful gut instinct that she needs me,” Ali admitted quietly. “Cara and I have always had that invisible microwave-tower energy connection between us. We often knew what the other was thinking or feeling.” She touched her belly. “In here, I feel like she’s a nest of angry snakes inside. I know that she feels lost, and she needs an anchor—someone like me.”
“I agree,” Ram said, holding her gaze fraught with worry and anxiety. “You’ll be Cara’s anchor. And you’ll be able to stay there for as long as you want. I know Wyatt will be fine with whatever time you need back home. That will work in Cara’s favor.”
Giving him a one eyebrow raised look, Ali said, “That’s good to hear.”
“You can be there for Cara. You won’t be running off for another assignment, leaving her in a lurch.”
Glum, she said, “José told me that he’s sending two of his Marines to my tree hide to continue to monitor Azarola’s drug shipments and any other women he kidnaps and keeps there for transport overseas. I should feel glad about that. My two years of duty haven’t been wasted. It will be carried forward by them. I’m really relieved.”
“All things end and there are always new beginnings, Ali. For all of us. New chapters in our lives, I guess, is a way to look at it.” He saw his words buoy her. She didn’t look as bummed out as before. Ram felt a warm glow spring to life in his heart. Until this mission, he’d had no idea that he could influence her in a good way, lift her out of her own mire. He felt great about that discovery. This was the first honest-to-God conversation they’d had like two vulnerable adults with no defensiveness between them. It was like breathing in air for the first time. This was the type of conversation, the openness, he’d so desperately yearned to share with Ali. And they were doing it effortlessly.
“You’re right. This is nice.”
“What is?”
“You and me? Talking like this. That’s a first.”
“Maybe we’ve started a new chapter with one another, Ali.” He saw her grow thoughtful, her mouth softening, her expression growing tender. He’d never seen her this open around him.
“I like it a lot, Ram. I know we’re both certifiable badasses, but when I saw you again I was ready to wave a white flag, too.”
It was his turn to sound shocked. “Really?”
“Yes, really. Maybe you’re right: in the past three years we’ve grown beyond our diaper stage with one another.”
His mouth twitched and a laugh rumbled through his chest, although he didn’t release it. They were still in a dangerous situation and noise could draw a tango if they were still loitering around the area. “I like getting along with you, Ali, not continually fighting with you. From my end, those days are gone forever. It’s not the kind of relationship I want with you moving forward.” For a stunned moment, Ram realized belatedly what had just spilled out of his mouth, uncensored. Now there was amazement in Ali’s face. It was easy enough to read. Holding his breath momentarily over his faux pas, he stared at her, wondering how she was going to take his heartfelt wish.
“Oh,” she stumbled, suddenly looking away, unable to hold his gaze. She fiddled nervously with her M4 lying across her knee.
Why was Ali so damned nervous all of a sudden? Ram warned himself that he’d said way too much way too soon. Damn! This woman had the ability to just haul ass on him and he couldn’t think two thoughts without his brain turning to mush. That was the effect she had always had on him, but she’d never known it. Until now, blabbermouth . . .
She slowly lifted her chin, meeting and holding his gaze. “How long?” she demanded, her voice tight and a little ragged sounding.
“How long what, Ali?”
“How long have you felt like this toward me?”
Words jammed into his throat. He pressed his lips tightly together to stop uncensored words from flying out unbidden, unchecked, and not well enough thought out. “I don’t honestly know,” he said. That wasn’t a lie. “Like I said, Ali, we’ve had a three-year hiatus from being around one another. I never forgot about you. And not all my memories of you were bad ones. There were some good ones thrown in there, too.” Shrugging his shoulders, he said thickly, “I’m just tired of fighting, war, and violence, is all. Maybe because of my age. Maybe because I’ve seen too much. I don’t know, Ali. I do respect you as a Marine. No one is better than you, in my opinion. I’ve always admired those skills you have. I like your care of others, especially those little Afghan girls who so desperately needed the hugs and holding you always gave them when we entered a village. I always saw a lot of nice qualities about you. You’re a good person with a great heart. I guess,” he sighed, giving her a bemused look, “I’d like to know that side of you, instead. I know the other side already, but now I’m ready for a truce between us. How about you?”
Ram was stunned by his own boldness toward Ali. He knew he didn’t dare tell her he wanted to pursue some kind of personal relationship with her. She’d probably explode on the spot, thinking he was lying to her—or worse. No, he’d said plenty already.
He could see her chewing on his words, digesting them, her gaze moving from his face, looking through the slit at the cave entrance, and then back to him. Ali looked as if she didn’t believe him, but he also felt a powerful yearning radiating from her now, and it involved far more than just friendship. But friendship was a good place to start—if she’d allow him to be her friend, of course. Ram wasn’t even certain of that, although he could feel her longing to be near him, to continue talking like this with him. It was exciting—uplifting. She liked that and so did he. It was an amazing and wonderful revelation to him.
“Me?” she choked out, seeming at a loss for words.
Ram held her widened eyes. “It’s that olive branch, Ali. Want to take hold of the other end of it with me?” He’d said the words with all the sincerity he had in his heart. For an instant he thought he saw tears come quickly to her golden eyes, once again, realizing she was far more emotional than she was letting on. But then, in that split second, they were gone, making him wonder if he was imagining it. Ram didn’t honestly know. But he was truthful about what he’d just shared with Ali—viscerally so.
“Oh . . . that . . . yes, of course I’ll take that olive branch. Life’s too short. I’m tired, too, Ram. Tired to my soul in some ways. You walked back into my life when I was down about as far as I’ve ever been.”
“I didn’t realize that.”
“I was afraid to tell you. That you’d take it the wrong way or have less belief in me to carry off this mission with you and the team you assembled.”
“Well, I’d expect you to be more emotional than usual because it was your sister, don’t you think?” he parried, cocking his head, searching her unsure gaze. “Cara had been kidnapped. She was with a known drug and sex trafficker. That’s enough to hit anyone in the heart and head. I didn’t expect you’d be anything less than professional on this mission, but I also knew you were sitting on a powder keg of emotions because it was personal. You handled it perfectly. I was really proud of you, Ali.”
“I sure haven’t given you much credit,” she muttered, shaking her head. “I was afraid you wouldn’t want me on the team to rescue Cara and the other women.”
“You don’t know me very well, Ali, but that’s okay. It all worked out. I took you on the mission because I knew you could do the job. I knew you could put aside your emotions, and just focus. I never had any doubts about that, and you’ve proven it.”
He saw such relief in her that it stunned him. What had she thought of him? That he was some kind of ogre? Unfeeling? Unable to recognize that she was working under ten times more pressure than any of the others? Ram could see where he’d assumed a whole lot about how Ali felt about him and it was all in his head. That was not how she really thought about him. What a disservice he’d done to her—and himself. It was a jaw-dropping discovery.
“I’d never want to let you down, Ram. Not ever. I live in terror of doing that and I really lived it on this mission.” Ali swallowed hard and looked down at her rifle as she nervously moved her fingers up and down the barrel. “This was the hardest mission I’ve ever been on.”
“We’ve been on much dicier ones,” he said. “It was doubly hard on you because your sister was involved, that’s why. But you and I have been on much worse missions that went sideways. I’m sure if you think back, you’ll agree with me.”
She licked her lower lip and nodded, looking out the slit, lost in thought. Finally, her voice wobbly, she risked a glance in his direction as she said, “Ram? Thanks for being there for Cara. You were there for me, too. I know that. I needed a kinder, gentler guy than what you usually were with me before, and you were. It helped me so much to focus, to do my job as a result. You should know that.”
Silence cloaked them.
“We don’t have much trust built between us,” he managed gruffly. “But I think that’s changing, Ali. There’s nothing I’d like more than to establish a friendship with you if you’d let me. I guess I feel pretty guilty and embarrassed over how I treated you during those earlier years. That peace I was talking about? Maybe going home to see your parents and Cara might be a good thing for us, too.”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe, if it feels right to you, we could learn how to become friends instead of antagonists. Maybe the universe is giving us a second chance with one another? I want that chance with you, Ali. And my greatest hope is that you do, too . . . ” Ram tried to hide his surprise when he saw Aliyana’s eyes grow warm. She learned forward, toward him. She was going to kiss him! He didn’t have time to think. All he could do was react like any man would when a woman moved toward him, that look in her eyes.
His whole world anchored to a halt. Aliyana wanted to kiss him! His heart burst open with such a wild avalanche of need and hunger for just her. It was as if he was in some kind of dream, fabricating this moment with her. But he could smell her, that female fragrance that drove him crazy as she placed her hand shyly upon his jaw, looking deep into his eyes. He saw the question in them: did he want to kiss her? Hell yes!
Bending down, he cupped her jaw, angling her as his mouth closed upon hers. For a moment, Ram felt stunned by the way her lips blossomed beneath his, so beautiful, hesitant and yet, driven as he was to capture this moment with her. She opened to him, her hand sliding around his neck, brushing the hairs of his nape with her fingers, sending rivulets of heat pouring through him. She tasted of sweetness to Ram and he adored her shyness, coaxing her to continue the exploratory kiss between them.
There was no way he was going to be a Neanderthal and grab her, pressing her hard against the front of him. No. He’d wanted just this for so long that he savored the exquisiteness of the moment, drowning in the softness of her mouth wetly sliding against his own. It was a hello kiss, one of introduction, one of unsureness and yet, he could feel her wanting so much more. So did he, but he clamped down on his lust. This wasn’t about sex. At least, not yet. This was about them finally meeting on a peaceful ground between one another. And never had he soared so high, so wildly in tune with every movement of her mouth against his own. Her breath was coming in shallow puffs against his cheek as he slowly deepened that kiss as they clung to one another. The silk of her hair, those loose strands, tickled his cheek. That moan of pleasure vibrating in her throat told him everything he’d ever wanted to know.
This kiss was mutual. Slowly, Ram eased reluctantly from her glistening lips, drowning in her golden eyes, barely open, filled with raw hunger, wanting him. Wanting much, much more. For a moment, stunned by her boldness to lean forward and meet him half way for that life-affirming kiss, he was speechless. Lost in her eyes, her fingers lightly caressing his stubble along his jaw, he eased his hand away from her cheek.
Words were useless. All he could feel was the thundering of his heart in his chest, a growing erection pressing against his zipper, and a giddiness that consumed him over her bravery. Clearing his throat, he barely grazed her temple.
“Listen, a lot has happened,” he managed, his voice a low growl as he held her gaze. “Whatever is happening between us now, Aliyana? It has to come second to your sister and your family. All right?” He searched her expression, seeing how dazed she had become from their drugging kiss.
“Y-yes,” she managed, her voice hoarse. “Thank you, Ram, for thinking of Cara . . . ”
He wanted to keep touching her, but this wasn’t the time and place. “We’ll take this a day at a time. Don’t pressure yourself.” He saw her lips curve a little as she sat back, still gazing at him wonderingly, her lips well kissed and beckoning to him once more. Ram controlled his need. This was such an unexpected and important step. His mind still reeled. His heart was shouting to the heavens in joy. His body simmered hotly for her.
She managed a wry look up at him. “I don’t know what just happened . . . ”
Shrugging, he relaxed and sat back, giving her the space he could see she needed. If anything, he’d swear Ali was just as stunned as he was by her courage to let him know she wanted to kiss him. “We’ll sort this out as time goes on,” he rasped. The next weeks were going to be a high-pressured hell once they got Cara out of Mexico and back home. He saw sadness come to her eyes and she gave him a jerky nod.
“That sounds good, Ram . . . ”
Time wasn’t on their side and he knew it. He busied himself, there was plenty to do in preparation to leave their hide out. His lips tingled in the wake of her soft, searching kiss. He could taste her on them—that womanly fragrance that was only her still drifted faintly around his nostrils. He saw her suddenly get busy, too. It was an awkward moment for both of them. And important in so many ways also. Ram didn’t know what would happen once they landed at Tucson. He’d given his word that he’d be there for Cara, and he would, to the best of his ability. And waiting in the wings was this hauntingly beautiful kiss they’d just shared. Would they get moments to be alone together, or not?