Chapter 36
THE HARD WAY
I made a decision.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night, allowing my brain to formulate the perfect plan.
You ready to hear it? Okay. Here it is:
I was going to move to New York to be with Layla.
The idea came to me just as I was drifting off to sleep. I was staring up at my ceiling, replaying the details of our incredible night together in my mind, wishing we could relive every moment, when boom, the most obvious thought suddenly occurred to me: We don’t have to say goodbye.
Once The Thought entered my brain, there was no getting rid of it. I mean, it’s not like I never considered the idea before. But only in passing, only as a fantasy. However, once I allowed myself to really mull it over, the more I realized it wasn’t such a crazy plan. I didn’t need to wait for her invitation. I could make this happen. We could do this. Now that I knew she loved me, I knew there was nothing to stop us. There was nothing we couldn’t do.
I spent the next sleepless hours figuring out the logistics, mentally rehearsing an airtight case that would convince her to let me come with her. But whenever I’d try to devise some elaborate speech, some impassioned argument, the only words that came to me were:
Come live with me and be my love.
That should’ve been enough, right? I mean, I was nowhere near ready to say goodbye. She wasn’t the kind of girl a guy could stand to lose.
So what now? Stand in her driveway with a boombox over my head?
No. That would be stupid. All I’d need to do was ask her. Tell her I love her and ask her. That’s it.
It was more than just wanting to get out of here. I wasn’t running away. I was running toward my future. Chasing after the rest of my life at top speed.
Come live with me and be my love.
After countless hours running the scenario through my mind, I finally launched out of bed, a bucket of anxious energy. I’d been able to distract myself from my nerves by concentrating on my packing. Middle of the night, I’d loaded the cargo bed of my truck with a duffel bag full of clothes and a few boxes of my favorite stuff.
Who knew when I’d ever be back to get the rest of it.
I wasn’t planning on saying anything to my parents, but my mother knew me too well. Maybe it was the longer-than-usual hug I gave her before walking out the door this morning. I don’t know. But once I pulled back and met her eyes, my plan must have been written all over my face.
I felt guilty for the tears in her eyes as she ran a hand over my hair, kissed me on the forehead, and asked, “You’ll be careful, yes?”
She knew I had to get out of here. But I could at least set her mind at ease.
“I’ll be okay, Mom.”
Her mouth dipped open to say something before she thought better of it.
I was pretty sure she knew I wasn’t coming back.
I could call her in a few hours just so she wouldn’t worry, but as far as my father... fuck him.
* * *
My truck idled in the driveway as I tried to get my thoughts together. Just because I’d finally made a decision in regards to my future didn’t mean I wasn’t nervous about it.
And trust me, I was nervous about it.
Even if I presented a perfect argument, told Layla what she meant to me, sold her on the adventure, even if I laid it all on the line... there was no guarantee that she’d say yes.
On the one hand, I was practically giddy as I envisioned our life together. I could make her breakfast before sending her off to school. Maybe I’d audition for some 99-seat theater productions during the day. I could be waiting for her when she got home, and then we could spend our nights making love with the sounds of the city to lull us to sleep wrapped up in each other’s arms.
On the other, we were just two kids, for godsakes. How many teenagers lived happily ever after?
Then again, Lisa and Pick were taking the chance. Why couldn’t we?
Come live with me and be my love.
And that was it. That was the only thing that mattered. Layla and I loved each other. Just that realization was enough to transform my apprehension into excitement. I knew I was making the right choice.
The thing is, when you meet the right girl, you just know.
Finally, I took a deep breath, put the truck in gear, and headed down the hill to meet Layla.
I spotted her when I was still half a block away from her house. She was out in the driveway, peeking in the windows of her father’s Volvo. As I pulled in behind it, I could see that the car was stuffed to the gills, everything she was bringing with her to school.
I could also see the enthusiasm written all over her face as she checked out all her stuff.
All those hours trying to convince myself I was doing the right thing, and in that moment, I realized it was merely the least painful thing.
And that’s when I knew.
I didn’t want to acknowledge the truth. God knows I didn’t. But it was the only thing I could do. It was the only right thing to do. She had this big life to lead, and she needed to outgrow me in order to live it.
If I loved her as much as I thought I did...
I had to let her go.
The revelation hit me hard, draining every ounce of hope from my soul. I probably looked like a beaten man as I got out of my truck and made my way toward her.
I stopped a few paces away, afraid to get too close. If I kissed her hello, I might have caved. And I couldn’t cave. I had to stay strong enough for the both of us. Strong enough to say goodbye.
So I didn’t even attempt to kiss her, and simply jammed my hands in my pockets as I offered her an awkward hello. “’Morning.”
“’Morning,” she said back. Cheerlessly. Guarded. She was already gnawing at that luscious bottom lip of hers, and it was enough to make me want to take it between my own teeth.
“So,” I started in, not quite sure what to say. “You, uh, you okay?” Last time I’d seen her, we were dealing with a bit of a bodily fluid issue.
“I’m fine. A little mortified, but I’ll live.”
Screw it. I couldn’t be this near to her and not touch her. I stepped closer to cup her face in my palm, swiping my thumb across the smooth skin of her jaw. “You know, that was a first for me, too.” She looked at me skeptically, so I added, “I’ve never been anyone’s first before.”
She forced a laugh and said, “Well, I can only imagine you never will be again after that horror show.”
Her eyes met mine, the tortured look on her face almost tearing my heart out, the miserable realization that our minutes together were numbered. After all the months of postponing the inevitable, there we were, left with mere seconds to spend with one another.
I grasped her hands in mine and planted a sweet kiss on her lips. “No, probably not. But only because I can’t imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else ever again.”
My stomach wrenched at the words. The words I knew to be true. How would any other girl ever compare to Layla? Who would get my corny jokes and weird sense of humor? Who would laugh with me? Who would ever love me like she did?
Don’t go. Stay with me. Come live with me and be my love.
It was right there on the tip of my tongue. She knew it was. Her face contorted into a mask of agony as she warned, “Trip... don’t.”
I couldn’t ask her to stay, but I could tell her how I felt. “I’m in love with you, Layla.”
Her head dropped to hide the tears welling in her eyes. “Trip. Stop!”
“No, Layla. I won’t stop.” I moved closer, cradling her head to my chest before continuing. “I know you’re leaving and I would never try to keep you from going, and I guess I have my own path to follow as well. But don’t ever ask me to stop loving you, because I can’t. Don’t ever think I’ll be able to forget you, because I won’t.”
Her restrained crying turned to outright sobbing, her shoulders heaving under my hands, her tears dampening the front of my T-shirt.
Please don’t cry. Can’t you see? I’m doing this for YOU, Lay. Only you. If it was for me, I’d never let you go.
Why did we have to make this choice? It could be so easy for us to just decide to stay right where we were, loving each other for the rest of our lives. All I had to do to change our future was say the word.
Oh God. I take it back. All of it. Just tell me you want me and I’ll stay with you forever. I’ll make you happy, Lay. I swear.
But instead, my traitorous mouth said the complete opposite. “I’m not going to be that guy, that guy who hangs on too tight because he’s afraid of what will happen when he lets go.” I kissed the top of her head and added, “But I want you to promise me something, okay?”
She took a huge shaky breath and asked, “What’s that?”
I put my hands on either side of her face and forced her teary eyes to mine. “Be happy. Wherever you wind up. And know that I’ll be thinking of you, wherever I am.”
At that, I bent my face to hers and kissed her for the last time.
My lungs involuntarily breathed in the scent of her, all fruity and summery and threatening to tear my heart to shreds. I couldn’t take it. Our last kiss.
I tore my mouth from hers and shook my head, defeated. “I can’t do this. It’s too hard.”
I reached into my truck through the open window and pulled out a pale blue envelope. Enclosed in that innocent looking bit of stationery was my heart, the only way I could give it to her: A picture of us from graduation. The birthday card from last October. A leaf from her favorite tree. The Mind Ramble I’d written in September.
This time, I didn’t wimp out.
I placed it in her hands before swiping a strand of hair behind her ear.
You’re beautiful.
The kind of beautiful that doesn’t go away.
Do you even know how beautiful you are?
While I was trying to think of the right way to say goodbye, Lay’s teary eyes flashed with a hint of mischief and her lip quirked into a restrained smile as she said, “Stay gold, Ponyboy.”
At first, I was kind of stunned that she’d made a joke in the middle of such a devastating moment. But then I realized... coming out with a comment like that at a time like this was a totally Layla thing to do.
A sad smile slowly eked its way across my face as I brushed a thumb across her cheek, wiping away a tear, and kissed her on that very spot, branding myself on her skin before dropping my hand and climbing back into my truck.
She stood there and watched as I pulled out of her driveway—slowly, giving her the chance to throw it all away and come with me. But when she stood stock still, I knew it was really and truly over.
So I drove away.
I refused to look in my rearview mirror. I couldn’t bear it. Because if I allowed myself to look back, there would’ve been nothing to stop me from turning my truck right the hell around, putting my arms around her, and never letting her go. Instead, I rolled down my window and inhaled a fragrant breath of the late-summer air, silently aching for the girl I loved.
I knew the scent would haunt me forever.
As much as I didn’t want it to, a montage of memories played out behind my eyes, the past year we’d shared together, the good as well as the bad.
I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to remember the whispered promises, didn’t want to feel my heart breaking. I didn’t want to acknowledge the lone tear trickling down my cheek.
So I said goodbye to the town of Norman, goodbye to every inch of the only place that ever felt like home.
And then I looked forward. I focused on the road ahead. The unknown path lain out before me, the miles and miles of open road that separated me from the rest of my life.
For all the choices open to me, my options in that moment boiled down to only one:
Just keep going.