One week later …

Her step felt lighter. Her smile brighter, more real. Edith was coming to dinner tonight. Ana had also invited a colleague from work. The new lady? New wasn’t correct though since Shanna had been working at Sweetwater Hospital for two months already. She wasn’t new anymore. It just struck her the other day, Monday to be exact, that she hadn’t made an effort to get to know any of the new people at work and as a result, there were a whole bunch of folks who she barely said two words to. It was wrong. She’d been making an effort since. How could she not? It was incredibly wrong that there were orderlies whose names she didn’t even know. It was rude of her.

Ana had decided on lasagna, bread and salad for dinner. She turned down the aisle that housed the pasta and stopped in her tracks. A family. They were right there. A mom, a dad, an older daughter of about three or four … and …

She took a step back as her eyes landed on the baby in the stroller. The little one was small yet plump, with tiny hands and fingers, and big round eyes. The child gurgled and smiled as the dad made raspberries. The mom said something and all three of them laughed. The baby squealed with excitement, little legs kicking vigorously. So very cute that it took her breath away. This was the reason she’d pulled away from most people at work. They had families. They talked about their kids and their lives like it was no big deal when it was a big deal … it was to Ana. Most of them were oblivious to how lucky they had it.

Her hands tightened further on the handle, her eyes still drawn to the family, she was waiting for the pain to flood. It was weird though because her heart didn’t clench, that fist of hurt didn’t close around her torso or dig its way into her mind. It was supposed to go into overdrive thinking of all the possibilities. If only …

Normally, she would’ve turned the other way, left even. Abandoned her shopping cart right there and walked out. Cancelled her plans for the evening.

Instead of doing all that, she licked her lips, gripped the handle tighter and stepped forward. One step and then another. One breath at a time until she was right up close to them.

Still no flare of pain. No need to run away. She picked up a box of pasta sheets. Going through the motions like any normal person would.

Normal.

This is normal.

I’m normal.

The family continued to chatter and joke. The baby gurgled. The little girl laughed. Within a minute, they moved off. They moved away from her and not the other way around. It felt so good. It felt empowering. Ana put the pasta into the cart. She was grinning broadly, the smile faltered though because that other feeling was back.

* * *

“Okay so, let me get this straight.” Doctor Brenner was frowning. “You went out on a date, you kissed the guy.”

“He told me to.” Ana felt her cheeks heat. “I would never have done it otherwise,” she mumbled the last.

“Yeah, yeah … whatever. It’s not important who kissed who, what’s important is that it happened. You played tonsil hockey with him, something, up until recently, you could only have dreamed about doing. It’s amazing! It’s fantastic and yet, you’re moping about it. Why do you think that is?”

Ana shrugged. “I don’t know.” She paused, mulling it over. “I don’t understand it. One minute I was elated it had happened. All I wanted was to do it again.” She remembered how her whole body had hummed. “And then, I felt it, this feeling of unease. It didn’t feel right inside.”

“You say you felt the feeling again after you handled seeing that family in the supermarket?” Her therapist raised her brows.

Ana, leaned back in her chair. She nodded. “Yup. Instead of the hurt, the pain, the feeling of loss, I felt fine … I felt okay and then that feeling came back.”

“How would you label this feeling? You said unease, can you elaborate?” Her therapist kept her eyes on her.

Ana knew from experience that Doctor Brenner would wait as long as it took for her to answer. “No, not really …” she shrugged. “I just didn’t feel right. It felt wrong to feel happy … that’s all.”

“Why do you think that is?”

Twenty questions. She didn’t feel like answering. It all felt too much like going round in circles, only, she was making progress, Ana could hold onto that.

“Why do you think your feeling good ‒ happy even ‒ would make you feel unease … as you put it?”

“I don’t know. Like so many other things, I don’t understand it.” Ana could hear the frustration in her voice.

“Do you think it might be guilt?”

“No!” she answered too quickly, too sharply. “No, I don’t think it was guilt.” On the inside though, her mind raced. Shit! Was it guilt? They’d talked about this before. Unease … guilt … it might have been. She used to feel guilty … very guilty, but she’d moved past that, hadn’t she? Hadn’t she?

“You still haven’t given yourself permission to move on,” Doctor Brenner went on, “You feel guilty again, after all this time because you have finally started the process.”

“That’s crazy.” Again, she answered too quickly, her voice elevated. “Why would I still feel guilty … about starting the process?” She lifted her eyes in thought. “John would want me to … carry on with my life. I need to …” Move on. Shit, she still couldn’t say it. Maybe she was struggling with it more than she realized. “Do it,” she finally said.

“Survivor’s guilt. You lived and he died. You can’t move on … you won’t.”

Again with the survivor’s guilt. “It can’t be, doc. I have no reason to feel guilty for what happened that night. We’ve been through this. I’ve worked through this. I had nothing to do with the shooting. There was nothing I could have done differently. Nothing I could have said or done to prevent it from happening. I didn’t even want to go out that night, John talked me into it.”

“You’re alive, Ana, it’s as simple as that. You’re alive and starting to finally live again and it’s making you feel those feelings of guilt.”

“What do I do though? How do I stop myself from feeling this way when I have nothing to feel guilty about?” She could hear the frustration in her voice. It was a question she had asked before. Doctor Brenner had never had an answer for her. Nothing substantial at least. Her doctor had always told her that time and patience would get her there. The frustrating thing was that although her feelings of hurt had subsided and her panic attacks had dried up, at least for now, her feelings of guilt had grown.

Doctor Brenner smiled. “My prescription still applies. Keep having fun. Live a little.” Her smile turned distinctly naughty. “I also prescribe plenty of kissing. I’m,” her doctor touched a hand to her chest, “giving you permission.”

Ana felt her jaw drop, as in, right open. She finally got herself together enough to close her mouth. She swallowed hard. “Kissing?” Ana laughed. “You can’t prescribe kisses.”

Her therapist shrugged. “I can and I have. Go out on another date with this man,” her eyes glinted, “this shifter, and let him kiss you.”

“I had planned on seeing him again, but we agreed … I already told him no more kissing. Sure, little friendly pecks, but nothing hot enough to get the blood racing.” She shook her head. “I doubt he’ll even try.” She was shocked to hear the disappointment in her voice

“Well …” Her therapist raised her brows, she leaned forward in her chair. “I guess that means you’ll have to kiss him then.”

Her mind was still in a blur when she left Doctor Brenner’s office ten minutes later. She wasn’t going to overthink this. Ana needed to take some control of the situation. So far, the ball had been firmly in Winston’s court, maybe she should take some initiative. She had an idea. Ana pulled out her cellphone and texted Winston. It was the first time she had made contact with him. She typed out the message and pushed send before she could change her mind. His response was quick.

Sounds like a plan. Looking forward to it, and Ana, make it good. Fun is awesome … but interesting is better. Surprise the hell out of me.

What the hell had she done to herself?