Chapter 34

Ally

I popped the cork on the bottle of wine and poured it into a massive glass so fast it almost sloshed over the rim. It was my favorite glass. Pink ballerina shoes painted on the side with rhinestones glued around the stem. When I was little, I’d dreamed of twirling on the stage in my pointe shoes. Until my mother had burst my fantasy bubble when she told me that ballerinas couldn’t be five foot two with huge boobs and an ass. I stared into the Chardonnay like it could commiserate with me. Could give advice on what to do about Gabe.

Winter had officially arrived and the blustery winds and snow had kept me inside tonight in spite of Kelly’s invitation to join her at a gallery opening. Wine and cheese and all that. Wine. I needed the wine but not the cheese because this was a booze on an empty stomach kind of night.

I drank deeply, then scrunched up my eyes to appreciate the vintage. In my sorrow, I’d sprung for a bottle of Kendall Jackson as opposed to wine in a box. Not the top vintage, but a damn good one. I let the fruity mixture roll over my tongue. Delicious. And since I had nowhere to be, I could polish off the entire bottle. And pass out.

I looked at my phone on the counter and bit my bottom lip. Ever since our brief conversation this morning, I’d had a pit in the middle of my stomach that felt like I’d swallowed a boulder. He’d been cordial. Warm even. But the spark was gone. The longing and the chemistry. I felt like Faith Callahan had blown my entire love life to smithereens. Thank God my bakery was rocking it. I’d picked up another wedding this afternoon and it was for two hundred and fifty people.

My iPhone’s screen lit up with an unknown number. I snatched up the device and swiped my finger along the green icon, heart pounding like crazy. If it was her, all bets were off. I wouldn’t listen to one more slur by that sanctimonious bitch.

I rammed the phone against my ear, winced, then sucked in a ragged breath laced with fear. “Hello?”

Please, God, let it be Gabe, calling from someone else’s phone.

“Hi, baby girl, how are you doing?” Her voice couldn’t have been more poisonous if it were injected with snake venom. I didn’t hang up. She only called when she wanted something. Something I didn’t have inside me to give.

“Mom,” I said. “It’s been what, five years? Last time we talked, it was from behind bars.”

“Yeah, thanks for calling Legal Aid, by the way,” she replied, dripping with sarcasm. “You know damn well I’m innocent. I never took any heroin across the border to Mexico. I’m still here, by the way.”

The DEA had found the powder in all of her bodily cavities. The fact that she continued to deny it just made her delusional. And pathetic. She’d appealed to Matthew too who had promised to help her but then laughed behind her back about what a psychotic junkie she was.

“What do you need now, Mom?” I paced back and forth, twirling the wine glass between my fingers and staring at the light twinkling through the gold liquid.

“What does every mother want?”

“I don’t know? To spend time with their children? Not get arrested for being a drug mule?” I took a big swig of my Chardonnay and coughed on the dry tingle at the back of my throat. “You’ll need to enlighten me because I have no idea why you’re calling today.”

“Don’t be sarcastic, Ally, it doesn’t suit you.”

“How would you know what ‘suits’ me?” I countered, awash with so many bad memories I finally sank down into my tapestry armchair.

“I gave you the childhood I could afford.”

“You gave me lies, Mother, and I don’t have time for more of them. Now, please, tell me what you want.”

“Fine,” she replied.

A long silence separated us for a few moments, but they were nothing to the endless chasm of pain she’d caused. That gap could never be closed. “Mother?”

“Yes. How are things with Matthew?” she asked as if we talked every day, making conversation about my love life.

I drained more wine from the glass and rubbed my lips together. This was fast turning into a two bottle night. “I’m not with Matthew anymore.”

“I got a strange phone call from him earlier today.”

The wine almost flew back up my throat and on to my lap. Why on earth would Matthew call my criminal mother? The only reason could be to try to control or manipulate me in some way. “Why the hell would Matthew call you in prison?”

Maybe I could get a damn restraining order.

“He told me that you broke up with him because of your inability to have children. Why didn’t you ever tell me about that, Ally? I feel so horrible that I wasn’t there for you when those test results came in.”

You were never there for anything.

“Yeah, it’s a pity,” I quipped, unable to resist a shot at her. “Probably all the vodka, pot and cigarettes while I was in the womb. I’m surprised I’m not an addict now.” I looked at the half empty bottle of wine in disgust and pushed it away from me.

“I never smoked when I was pregnant with you,” she replied in a low whine. I didn’t believe her. The only words that came out of her treacherous mouth were lies.

“Matthew’s talking shit. Not that it matters. The only truthful part of that conversation was the fact that we broke up. He left me. And he wasn’t nice about it. He hasn’t been nice about it since.”

“Ally, Matthew’s a good guy. A police officer. He could have protected you and given you the safe and stable life you’d always wanted.”

The one you should have given me.

I grasped the edge of the counter with one hand and slammed the wine glass down with the other. “Are you kidding me? Matthew was a douche bag. Abusive. Mean. He was addicted to pornography and video games. And you know what, Mom? Know what else about your golden boy? He was cheap. He only took me to fast food and matinee movies. He only kept Two-Buck Chuck in the fridge and Miller High Life. If that’s what safety and stability mean, then maybe I don’t really want it!”

Because I wanted chemistry. And excitement. And kisses that curled my toes into little balls of unclenching desire.

What did Matthew really want by involving my mom? He’d always viewed her as the scum on the bottom of his shoe, like the criminals he arrested each and every day. He stopped me every time I tried to help her. Convinced me to shut her completely out of my life.

She was a person who’d done some despicable acts, but she was still a person. She was still my mother.

“He wants you two to go away together. See if you can work it out.”

“We went to brunch the other day,” I said, trying to explain with my tone because words were failing.

Mom’s voice deepened. “Can’t you give him another chance, honey?”

I wonder what she’d do if I told her that the last time Matthew had mentioned her, he’d called her an Easter egg who belonged in the slammer.

“Why should I care what Matthew wants? Why should you?” I asked, grasping the stem of the wine glass again, then letting it go.

She blew out a breath that crackled on my side of the phone. “Because if you don’t go away with him, he’ll tell the district attorney that I’ve been dealing on the inside.”

My stomach sank. “Are you?”

“I can’t believe you could even ask me that question,” she whispered. But I could still hear her. I wouldn’t allow her to guilt me into spending one more moment with Matthew. I toyed with the idea of turning him into internal affairs.

Matthew knew how far I’d gone in the past to help my mother. He knew that I’d do anything to keep her out of trouble in prison because I didn’t want anything horrible to happen to her in there. I didn’t want her to die inside a metal cage. Now, he was taking advantage of his inside knowledge of me. Everything I’d shared with him because I thought we’d be together forever. I squeezed my eyes shut.

This was a choice. Mom had made her own choices.

“Goodbye, Mom,” I said, then hung up.

I caved in, grasped the bottle and the glass and went through to my bedroom, because standing in the kitchen reminded me too much of Gabe and what I’d lost.