The bell rings, and as typical with kids, they immediately start rising from their seats and are quiet no more. I clap my hands three times to get their attention.

“Before you go, stop by my desk and grab a field trip permission form,” I tell them sternly. “It needs to be signed and returned to me no later than Friday or you won’t be allowed to come along with us to the zoo.”

I get “yes ma’ams” and “okays” from several of the students before they continue stuffing papers and books in their bags. I stand by my desk with the stack of forms in my hand.

“Good job on that test, Joey.” I smile and hand a form to the black-haired boy in front of me. “I knew you could do it.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Crews.” He beams at me.

“I expect all your tests to be just as good.” I laugh when he wrinkles his nose. “You did great on this one, so you know it’s possible now. You just have to work at it.”

He looks doubtful, but gives me a nod as he walks away. When I first came here, Joey’s grades were horrible. I’ve been working closely with him, and I’m pleased to see they’re improving.

I watch as the last student leaves, and start straightening my desk. I slide a stack of papers I’ll be taking home to grade in my messenger bag, and shut down my laptop, placing that on top of the papers.

After looking over the room and making sure everything is in its place, I sling the strap of the bag over my shoulder, grab my keys from the top drawer of my desk, and leave the classroom. I make the short trek down the hallway to Valerie’s room, Daniel’s teacher. Kelsey is already sitting at a desk doing her homework, with Daniel doing the same at the desk beside her. Valerie stays after school every day because her husband is the principal and they drive in together. When she found out I had two kids in the same school, she insisted on watching them during the few minutes it takes me to close down my classroom.

“Hey, Val.” She also insisted I call her Val, saying all her friends do. “Any plans for the weekend?”

This is the first week back to school after the holidays, and as much as I love my students and my job, I’m ready for the weekend to begin. The first week back after a holiday or summer break is always stressful because the kids are hyper.

“Michael’s taking me to the movies tonight, but other than that, my butt is staying home and relaxing.” She huffs, rolls her chair back, and stands. She looks as tired as I feel. “What about you?”

“Grading papers tonight.” I cross my eyes, causing Val to laugh. “Then I was thinking about taking the kids for ice cream tomorrow. And I mustn’t forget the dreaded grocery shopping.”

“Yes,” I hear Daniel hiss. “Ice cream.” I grin, and don’t need to look over to know he fist-pumped the air.

“Any word yet from the realtor?” I ask, and lean a hip on the edge of her desk.

“No,” she grumbles. “She told me it might be a few days and to not hold my breath, as the owners can be quite stubborn.”

I frown. Val and Michael have been looking for months for the perfect house, since the owner of the one they are renting recently notified them he’s decided to sell. Although their current rental is perfect for them now, Val said it’s not ideal for the future because it’s only a two bedroom. They decided not to buy their current place, but look for something bigger because they’ve just started trying for a baby. Val needs an office because she writes part-time, and they want at least two children.

“How long has it been on the market?”

“Two years and counting,” she answers, exasperated.

“If they were smart, they’d take your offer.”

“Yeah, well, the realtor said they’ve declined multiple other offers. They are stuck on their figure, even though they’ve been advised it’s way over the value.”

“I’ve got my fingers crossed for you. But if they don’t accept it, don’t get discouraged. It took me and Will a year to find the right house.”

She sighs. “Yeah, I know you’re right, but Gwen, this house is perfect. It felt like home the minute I stepped inside.”

I smile and reach over to squeeze her hand. “Then I’m sure it will all work out.”

She returns my smile, her eyes lighting with confidence. “I sure hope so.”

I turn to the kids. “You guys ready?”

Daniel jumps up from his seat, carelessly stuffing papers in his book bag. “Yep.”

Kelsey demurely gets up from the desk and is a lot more careful with putting things away. Sometimes I catch myself looking at her and it hurts how withdrawn she is and how adult-like she seems. She should to be hanging out with friends and pointing out how gross boys are.

We bid Val goodbye and head for the door. As we walk down the hallway, Daniel looks up at me. “I made a good grade on my reading test.”

“That’s good, sweetie. I’m proud of you.”

His look turns coy, and I wait for what’s coming next.

“Since I did good on my test, could we go get ice cream today?”

I laugh, not at all surprised.

“Nice try, kid, but we’ve got chores to do, and I’ve got papers to grade.” I ruffle his hair to lighten the refusal, but his face still falls. I hate when they get disappointed. They’ve both been in a down mood lately. I know why, but I ignore the reason behind the behavior. Because I’m a sucker, I retract my answer and offer instead, “How about this, you and your sister get your chores done in record time, and I may take you out for barbeque at Blu’s. And ice cream is still on for tomorrow.”

“Really?” he asks, jumping up and down.

“Yep.”

My grin is so big it hurts my face. I haven’t seen enough of Daniel’s smiles lately, and Kelsey’s been even more withdrawn than usual.

“You hear that, Kels?” Daniel says, running over to his sister. “If we get our chores done quickly, we get barbeque!”

She watches him with a blank expression, but gives him a single nod, her usual reply. He doesn’t let the lack of response take away from his exuberant happiness, although, deep down I know it bothers him that Kelsey never speaks or plays with him anymore. Before Will died, Kelsey took her role as a big sister seriously. She was constantly by his side, making sure he never got hurt and stayed happy. She played with him anytime he asked. When he was a baby, she insisted on helping care for him. She was like a mini momma. Because of that, they were very close. After Will passed away, she stopped. She stopped everything. I’ve explained to Daniel several times why, and he says he understands, but I know it still hurts him.

The sky is cloudy when we walk out of the school doors, and I wonder what the chances are it’ll rain. I hope it holds off until we get back from Blu’s. Surprisingly, the weather is warmer than normal for this time of year. The weatherman says we’re having a very warm winter, despite the harsh beginning.

We only live a couple miles from the school, so the trip is short. Daniel bounces in his seat the entire time, singing along to the music I have playing on the radio. He has a knack for remembering songs after only hearing them a few times.

When I turn the corner to our street, I unconsciously let up on the gas pedal when I see the familiar old blue truck sitting in our driveway. My palms immediately start to sweat against the steering wheel and my heart rate picks up.

It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen Alexander, and every day of those weeks, I’ve felt the loss of him like a sledgehammer has been slammed into my stomach. I’ve done pretty well ignoring the constant pain, but seeing him sitting on our porch steps as I pull into the driveway brings it back full force.

I miss him so much. Much more than I should for only knowing him a few short weeks. And the kids, I know they’ve missed him too. It’s been apparent in the way they’ve been moping around the house. Daniel’s asked after him several times, and the only thing I can tell him is Alexander’s been busy with work. I hate lying to my kids, but I hate hurting them more, and I know it’ll hurt him if I were to tell him Alexander doesn’t want to see us anymore.

His absence has affected Kelsey too. She rarely comes out of her room, and when she does, it’s only to eat, shower, or when I make her. It’s not healthy for her to stay locked up in her room all the time, so I make her come out at least for a couple hours each day. I was in her room a week ago putting clothes away and found the two notebooks Alexander made her at the bottom of her sock drawer. The sight of her hiding them away brought tears to my eyes.

I’ve caught myself several times reaching for my phone to call and see how he’s doing. I know he cares about us, but I refuse to push our presence on him.

“Look!” Daniel shouts as I put the car in park. “It’s Alexander!”

Before I have the chance to turn off the truck, Daniel throws open his door and is running toward him. Kelsey and I get out at a slower pace. I look over at Kelsey across the hood of the car and find her looking at Alexander, her expression showing her vulnerability.

I grab my messenger bag and purse and lock my car. I know I’m stalling for time, but I have no idea what to expect. He made it clear without really saying anything that whatever was transpiring between us was over.

Alexander stands when Kelsey and I make our way toward him. Daniel stands beside him talking animatedly, but his eyes remain on mine. They hold something deep, but I’m not sure what the emotion is.

“Hey,” he says, his voice deep and gruff. “Jeremy gave me your address.”

It didn’t dawn on me until then to question how he knew where we lived.

“Hi.” I shift from one foot to the other, waiting for him to continue.

His looks away from me and faces Kelsey, who currently has her head down.

“Hey, Kelsey,” he rumbles.

She lifts her head and doesn’t hide her hurt. I look back at Alexander and find his face a mask of pain.

Instead of acknowledging his greeting, she moves past him. We both watch as she slides the emergency key from underneath the rug, unlocks the door, walks inside, and closes it behind us. He faces me once she disappears.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him, because even if she felt it was warranted, she was still very rude just now. “She’s not been having good days lately.”

He nods. Guilt and shame flash in his eyes, and he looks to the side. Daniel’s still standing between us, looking from one person to the other. I’m just about to tell him to go inside and give Alexander and me a minute to talk, but Alexander talks before I get a chance.

He holds out his hand, my earrings in his palm. “You forgot these the other day.”

I look down at them and wonder if that’s the only reason he came by today or if it was something more. It’s something I hope with all my heart, but am scared to wish for. He could have simply messaged me for my address and slipped them in the mail. He didn’t have to come all the way here.

Could it be possible that he’s missed us as much as we’ve missed him?

I hold out my hand and he drops them in my palm. I wrap my fingers around them, and though the metal is thin, they’re still warm from being in his hand.

“Would you like to come in for a few minutes? I could make you a glass of tea.”

I hold my breath, silently hoping he’ll accept. He looks down at Daniel and sees the hopeful face staring back at him. His brows draw down into a frown before he lifts his eyes back up to me.

“Sure,” he says, and it makes my heart soar.

I know I should forget about the idea of something more happening between us, but for some reason I just can’t. It feels natural to be in his company, like it’s where I’m supposed to be. As if something keeps forcing us together.

Daniel squeals in delight and rushes up the steps to open the door. He gushes nonstop about what’s happened the last couple of weeks. Alexander listens with a smile playing on his face. It’s nice to see his smile again. Kelsey is nowhere to be seen as we walk into the kitchen. I tell Daniel to let Pepper out in the fenced-in backyard while I grab glasses for tea, fill them, and hand one over to Alexander. I give Daniel a juice box when he comes rushing back inside. He rips the plastic from the straw, pokes it through the hole, then closed his mouth around it to take a drink.

Alexander chuckles at the way Daniel quickly sucks the juice through the straw, pulling his cheeks in dramatically. I laugh too because I’m happy. Happy that Alexander is standing in my house enjoying the entertainment of my son.

“Thank you for bringing the earrings back. I can’t believe I forgot them again.” I take a sip of my drink and set the glass on the counter before turning to Daniel. “Hey, you, aren’t you supposed to be doing something?” I ask pointedly.

Disappointment has his face losing some of its merriment. He nods, looks at Alexander with bereaved eyes, then slinks off toward his room. Right as he gets to the doorway, he spins back around and rushes back to us. He stops at Alexander’s feet with a look of hope.

“We’re going to Blu’s later,” he says jubilantly. “Can you come?” He holds his hands up in prayer style, and I can’t help but laugh, but I sober quickly when I realize he’s put Alexander on the spot.

I dare a look at Alexander and find him looking down at Daniel. There’s a wrinkle between his brows as he thinks on how to answer. I wish I knew what he was thinking right now. Is he trying to find a way to let Daniel down easy? Or is he fighting with himself because he wants to go but feels he shouldn’t? I know he thinks he not good enough for us, that he feels his scars, physical and emotional, make him less of a man. I know he holds immense guilt for not saving his wife and baby, and that makes him feel like he’s not worthy. That it scares him because he worries should anything happen to the kids or me, he wouldn’t be able to help us either.

I understand his fears, but it’s utter crap. Alexander is one of the strongest men I know, one of the most caring and generous and kindhearted. I just wished he knew it too, or at least would give me the opportunity to make him believe it.

I watch as he fights with what to tell Daniel, and I decide to let him off the hook.

Walking over to Daniel, I place my hand on his shoulder. “Daniel, sweetie, I don’t think—”

“Yes,” Alexander interrupts me, and I look up at him in surprise. “I’d love to go.”

After smiling down at Daniel, who runs off with a shouted “Yes,” he lifts his eyes to mine. His jaw is hard, but determined.

“You don’t have to,” I tell him, not wanting to force him into doing something he won’t feel comfortable doing. “I can talk to Daniel and make him understand.”

“I want to.” He takes a step closer. “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to have dinner with you and the kids.”

My heart leaps in my chest, because I want him to have dinner with us too. Even more, I want him to want to have dinner with us.

I can’t help the big smile that takes over my face. “We’d really like that, too.”

“Good,” he states, then adds, “It’s settled then.”

He takes another step toward me, then another, until there’s only an inch between us. I suck in a breath when he lifts his scarred hand and settles it against my cheek, his thumb swiping back and forth against the skin.

His eyes close and he lays his forehead against mine. Butterflies flutter in my belly when his lips touch mine in a soft kiss before he pulls them away. I fist my hands in his shirt at his sides to keep from pulling his head back down.

“I’ve missed you.” He whispers the words against my lips.

The agonized tone causes my throat to close up, but I still manage to get out, “I’ve missed you too.”

“I’m sorry for being an ass a few weeks ago.”

I shake my head against his. “I understand. It was a tough time for you.”

“That’s still no excuse,” he states.

We stay this way for several moments, both quiet as our minds race with thoughts. I keep my eyes closed, afraid of what I’ll find in his if I open them.

Daniel comes racing out of his room a few minutes later, out of breath and looking flushed from exertion. Alexander and I both pull back quickly.

“I’m done!” he yells, skidding to a stop beside us. “Can we go now?”

I plaster on a stern look. “There’s no way you got all your chores done that quickly, young man.”

His eyes widen. “I did, Mama! I promise!”

I narrow my eyes. “And if I go check, I won’t find any toys stuffed under your bed or in your closet?”

He drops his gaze and shuffles his feet. “Maybe only three or two,” he mutters, keeping his eyes away from mine.

“Daniel,” I scold.

“Aww, Mom,” he whines in response. “It’s only like nine or ten, I swear.”

I hold in my laugh at the earnest look in his eyes. “Daniel Liam. You march your butt right back in there and clean your room the right way.”

His face falls, but I steel myself from giving in to him. He turns and grumbles as he walks away.

“Stop by your sister’s room and let her know we’ll be leaving soon,” I call after him. There’s no point in checking to see if her room is clean. It always is, and any chores I give her are done as soon as she gets home, before I even have to remind her.

* * *

Alexander opens the door to Blu’s BBQ Pit and the kids and I file in before him. We take a seat at one of the booths in the back corner.

“Sit with me!” Daniel says to Alexander, a little too loudly.

He slides in beside Daniel while Kelsey and I sit across from them. When I peek across the table to Alexander, his jaw is hard. I look around the room. My heart lurches when I see several pairs of eyes looking our way. It makes me angry they are staring so blatantly.

I reach across the table and lay my hand over his to grab his attention. “We don’t have to stay,” I tell him. I hate to think he’s uncomfortable.

“No,” he grunts, then clears his throat. “I’m fine.”

I pull my hand away and smile at him, hoping it’ll help settle his nerves.

After we’ve browsed the menu for a few minutes, an older lady by the name of Sadie walks over, order pad in hand.

“Gwen, right?” she asks with a smile. I nod and give her my own smile. She turns to the kids next. “And Daniel and Kelsey?”

“Hi,” Daniel says excitedly. Kelsey nods once.

She turns next to Alexander. “Hey, Alexander. It’s nice to see you.” I’m pleased to see no intrusiveness in her gaze. She also doesn’t stare at his scars. She’s simply talking to an old friend.

“Hey, Sade,” he offers. “How have you been?” He seems to be at ease as well.

“Good.” She nods. “Can’t complain.” After giving him another smile, she pulls the pen from behind her ear. “Now, what can I get you all?”

She leaves after taking our order, and I relax back against my seat, happy to be sitting here with the kids and Alexander. Out the corner of my eye, I see most of the eyes that were on us are no longer paying us any attention. I hope it stays that way.

Every so often, I see Alexander look at Kelsey, and remorse flashes in his eyes each time. She’s completely ignored him since we pulled up to the house, and I know it plagues him.

“You wanna look at my car collection when we get home? I got a lot,” Daniel asks, forcing Alexander’s eyes away from Kelsey.

He turns to regard him. “Sure.”

Daniel climbs to his knees on the seat. “Can we come ride a horse soon? It hasn’t been really cold anymore.”

Alexander’s eyes bounce to mine. “That’s up to your mom.”

Daniel’s hopeful eyes come to me for an answer, and I don’t have the heart to tell him no. I also don’t give him a yes either. I still haven’t gotten over the day they ran off to the barn by themselves.

“We’ll see.”

Some of the light dims in Daniel’s eyes, but he bounces back quickly. He starts regaling Alexander with questions on how to care for horses and what he does to train them. Alexander answers patiently and Daniel listens intently.

While they’re occupied, I turn to Kelsey. “You okay?”

She shrugs and continues to look down at the paper menu she’s been fiddling with.

“It’s okay to be upset with him, but maybe you can try to cut him some slack?” I lower my voice and tilt my head toward her. “Remember what I told you the other day?” She nods, and guilt and sorrow line her face. I grab her hand under the table and squeeze. “Just keep that in mind, okay?”

A few minutes later, Sadie brings out our food and we sit in silence as we eat. Other than when we first walked in and the few minutes of awkwardness, things have settled down, thankfully. People seem to have lost their interest in Alexander being out in public. I’ve heard some of the whispered rumors the townspeople like to think others can’t hear, and while I don’t condone that behavior—it actually disgusts me—I understand their surprise when they do see him. He’s become a recluse. I understand his need to come to town so rarely, but in a sense, it’s just as much Alexander’s fault as it is theirs, because he’s purposely secluded himself from the town.

We’re just finishing up when a handsome blond man about Alexander’s age and a blond lady come up to our table.

“Alexander,” the guy says, surprise written on his face. He recovers quickly and holds out his hand for a shake.

“James.” Alexander clasps his hand with a half smile. I get the sense that James is a friend of his.

James moves his eyes to me and his lips tip up into a crooked grin.

“Who’s this?” he asks, tipping his chin at me and looking back at Alexander.

“James, meet Gwen. Gwen, this is an old friend of mine, James.”

“It’s good to meet you, James,” I say, and hold out my hand.

He grabs it gently with his bigger one. “It’s very nice to meet you, too, Gwen.” His eyes twinkle as he lets my hand go, and I wonder what he’s thinking.

I don’t get a chance to ask before he turns his attention to Daniel and Kelsey. “And who might these fine kids be?”

Daniel introduces himself before anyone else can. “I’m Daniel.” He tries his best to act like the two adult men by throwing his hand out to be shaken, almost knocking Alexander in the face with his elbow.

“Daniel.” I point my finger at him then point it downward. “Sit.”

“It’s okay,” Alexander comments, then picks Daniel up and settles him on his lap so James can safely reach his hand.

“Hey, Daniel.”

Daniel beams when James shakes his hand firmly.

“That’s my sister, Kelsey.” He points his thumb over his shoulder at her.

“Hello, Kelsey,” James says, his voice turning soft.

Of course, Kelsey neither talks nor offers a smile. I see the question in James’ eyes, so I offer a smile and give him a brief explanation. “She doesn’t talk. Please don’t take it personally.”

He smiles and nods. The girl beside him moves from one foot to the other, and James’ eyes snap to hers.

“I’m sorry, baby.” He wraps his arm around her waist and kisses her cheek. “Lydia, I’d like you to meet Alexander, Gwen, Daniel, and Kelsey.”

We all say hello and she echoes our greeting.

Alexander and James chat for a few minutes, and I end up fidgeting in my seat because every few seconds, James looks my way. His eyes hold questions and curiosity. As a distraction, I start up a conversation with Lydia. I learn that she lives in the next town over and works as a dispatcher for a big trucking company. This surprises me as she doesn’t appear the type to communicate with big, burly truck drivers on a daily basis. She’s beautiful in the traditional way, with thick gorgeous blond hair, green eyes, and a slim body with curves in all the right places. She also seems very sweet and innocent.

“You ready?” James asks Lydia, stopping our conversation.

She smiles at him and the love she obviously feels for him is plain to see. If I’m being honest, I feel a bit jealous at their open affection toward each other. I want that with Alexander.

Once they leave, Alexander stands to go pay for our food, after adamantly refusing my offer to pay for mine and the kids’. The kids and I gather our coats and meet Alexander at the door. He gets a few more glances, but he ignores it, seemingly not bothered by it anymore.

When we pull up to the house a few minutes later. Daniel drags Alexander to his room to show him his car collection the minute they step inside. I tell Kelsey to grab a shower, and I sit at the kitchen table to start grading papers. Every few minutes, I hear Daniel giggle and it makes me smile.

I’m flipping over the last paper and just about to go check on Daniel and Alexander when Daniel comes to my side. Looking at my watch, I’m surprised to see two hours have already passed.

“I’m tired, Mom,” he says, rubbing his eyes. He already has his pajamas on, showing he really is tired.

I look behind him, expecting to see Alexander, but don’t.

“Come on, kid. Let’s go brush your teeth, and I’ll tuck you in.”

“Can Alexander do it?” He yawns as he walks sleepily beside me to the bathroom.

“How about I send him in to tell you good night?”

He nods, then grabs his toothbrush and smothers it with toothpaste.

Curiosity has me looking down the hall as Daniel brushes his teeth. Kelsey’s light is on with the door open halfway, but I can’t tell if he’s in there or not.

Once in bed, Pepper tucked against his side, I pull the covers over him and kiss him good night.

“Love you.”

“Love you too, Mom. Don’t forget to send Alexander in here.”

I smile. “I won’t.” I flip the light off and pull his door closed.

For some reason, my heart starts to pound heavily in my chest as I walk quietly to Kelsey’s room. I know before I reach her door that Alexander’s inside. I creep along until I’m just outside her door. His deep voice stops me from going further.

“I had a little girl,” he says quietly, and even out here I can hear the torment in his voice. I hold my breath as he continues. “But I lost her a few years ago. She and my wife drowned.”

Tears threaten to form in my eyes at the memory of him recounting what happened to his wife and baby when we were sitting under the bridge. I know how painful that was for him, so for him to be talking about it now with Kelsey means a lot. I hope he doesn’t go into detail. It would be too much for someone Kelsey’s age to handle. Hell, it’s too much for an adult to handle.

I peek around the doorframe, making sure to stay out of sight. I’ve seen the tortured expression on his face tonight when Kelsey wouldn’t look at him. I know this is something he needs to do to try to make amends with her. I think Kelsey needs it as well. She’s was very hurt by his rejection a few weeks ago. I just hope she gives him a chance to explain and make it right.

When they come in view, I find Kelsey sitting against the headboard with her legs crossed, her blanket tucked around her. Alexander sits about midway up the bed, his hands clasped firmly in his lap. His knuckles are white, so I know he’s clenching his fingers tightly. He’s looking down at his hands, but she has her eyes on him. Pain etches her face.

“The day you, your brother, and your mom came to the house, Christmas Day, was the day before the anniversary of when they died.” He lifts his head. From where I’m standing, I can’t see his face, but I know it carries hurt as well. “I wasn’t in a very good place at the time because I miss them so much, especially during Christmas.”

He stops talking and Kelsey just stares at him. Looking down, I see her gripping the blanket in her lap. I hate to see two people I care about in so much pain.

I’m just about to make my presence known, when Kelsey opens her mouth and completely destroys me by whispering, “I’m sorry you lost your baby and wife.”

My heart freezes in my chest, and I struggle to pull air in my lungs. Tears force their way from my eyes, and I throw my hand over my mouth to keep in the sob.

My daughter just spoke.

I can’t believe it. My daughter actually just spoke. It doesn’t even matter that her first words weren’t for me. I’m just so elated that I got to hear them, and they weren’t the tortured words to God to bring her father back home.

I close my eyes and tip my head back, replaying the sound of her voice over and over in my head. I want to rush in and beg her to say something else.

When I open my eyes again, I just barely get a side view of Alexander’s face. He’s gone quiet, and I know he’s shocked as well.

He pulls himself together a lot faster than I have and says, “Thank you.”

Sending my heart soaring even higher, Kelsey speaks again. “How old was your little girl?”

It takes Alexander a minute to answer as he tries to rein in his emotions.

“Seven weeks.”

Kelsey sucks in a breath and heaves it out on a whoosh. “I bet she was so pretty,” she says softly.

“She was gorgeous,” Alexander remarks.

“What were their names?”

His voice is pained when he answers. “Clara was my wife and Rayne my little girl.”

“Rayne,” she breathes. “So pretty.”

Kelsey gets up and comes to sit beside Alexander, then leans her head against his arm. It only takes him a split second before he puts his arm around her shoulders and she then lays her head against his chest. The action brings even more tears to my eyes. They look like what a father and daughter would look like when consoling his baby girl.

Kelsey’s next words cause my heart to slam in my chest painfully.

“Please don’t tell my mom I’m talking,” she says, lifting her head and pleading with her eyes.

“Why?” He tucks a piece of hair behind her ear.

She drops her eyes to the floor and murmurs so low I barely hear her.

“Because it’s my fault my daddy died.”

Alexander and I both jerk. I grip the doorjamb to keep myself from falling. I’ve always known she blames herself, but to hear her actually say it, hurts so much worse.

I watch as Alexander turns to Kelsey and grabs her chin to force her to look at him.

“Why would you think it’s your fault, Kelsey?”

Her voice is a tearful whisper, and I have to lean closer to hear her. “Because I made him go get my bear and that’s when he died.”

“Sweetie, it wasn’t your fault,” Alexander says, his voice strained. “You were six years old. There was no way you could know that would happen. Even your mom and dad didn’t know it would happen.”

She looks at him with tears flooding down her face, and my heart feels like it’s being beaten with a bat coated in spikes.

“But maybe if I hadn’t—”

He doesn’t let her finish. “No, honey. It still would have happened.”

She sniffles and leans against Alexander again.

“What if she blames me?” Kelsey whispers brokenly, and it’s that question that kills me. I lean back against the wall and slide down, my legs unable to hold my weight anymore.

I can no longer see them, but I can still hear them.

“She doesn’t,” he tells her, his tone more forceful that it has been the entire time I’ve been standing there.

“How do you know?”

“Because she loves you,” he answers simply.

It’s quiet for a few minutes before Alexander speaks again.

“You need to talk to your mom about this,” he tells her softly. “She misses you so much.”

“I miss her too,” she confesses, and I want to run inside and tell her I’m right here, but I don’t. She needs to do this on her own. I don’t want to take the chance of pushing her away by rushing her.

They stop talking, and I lean my head back and listen to the silence, hoping with everything I am that Kelsey’s silence has come to an end.

I’m so lost in thought that I don’t realize Alexander’s standing in front of me. I look up at him with swollen eyes, feeling lost and exposed. He doesn’t say a word as he scoops me up into his arms. My eyes linger on Kelsey’s door, which is closed most of the way, a sliver of light pouring out, indicating she’s still awake.

My heart aches with the need to go to her, but as much as it hurts to do so, I let him carry me further away from her.

Alexander stops at the couch and takes a seat with me in his lap. I bury my head in the crook of his neck and let tears soak the collar of his shirt. He doesn’t try to calm me down, just gently rubs my back and murmurs soft words in my ear. He knows I heard Kelsey speak, and he knows how much it hurts to hear her say her father’s death is her fault and she worries I blame her. She couldn’t be further from the truth.

* * *

Later that evening, after Alexander left, I walk quietly down the hallway and stop at Kelsey’s door. This is my nightly routine. I always sneak back to her door five minutes after I’ve tucked her in, and every night I catch her whispered prayers to bring her daddy home.

Tonight is different though, for a couple reasons. One being that she spoke to Alexander tonight and my emotions are already raw from overhearing it.

The second comes when I stop at the door and hear that Kelsey’s prayers have changed. If it wasn’t for the fact that I watched her crawl to her knees, I’d think she just added onto the old one, but this prayer is all on its own. The new one is even more heartbreaking than the old.

“Please, God, help make Alexander better,” she whispers, her hands clasped in front of her. “Please don’t make him hurt anymore. I really like him, and I know my mama and brother like him too. I wish he could be with us always. And please let his wife and baby be okay in heaven with you.” She pauses before finishing. “In Jesus’ name, amen.”

I clutch my hands over my chest, trying to calm my pounding heart. Her prayers have been the same every night for over two years. For her to change them now…. I send up a silent prayer that this change is good. I also pray that God answers my daughter’s prayers.

I rest my forehead against the doorframe and whisper low enough that she can’t hear me, “I love you, Kelsey. Please come back to me.”

With one last glance to see her in bed with the covers tucked up under her chin once again, I walk away with my heart heavy.