I drove to the surgery straight after class, in my first free period. Luckily Cherry was in History – I didn’t need any complications or questions. When I arrived at the doctors, though, it was chaos. There were several people giving the receptionists proper grief. Confused, I went and sat down for a moment while I tried to work out what was happening.

‘Excuse me, mate,’ I said to the bloke sitting next to me, who was busily texting someone. ‘Do you know what’s going on?’

‘They’ve got computer problems, everything’s running really late and they don’t know what the hell is going on.’ He nodded tersely at the receptionists. ‘I’ve been here nearly three quarters of an hour already, missed two lectures and I’ve still not been seen.’ He went back to his screen.

I fell silent. This didn’t look promising.

The bloke jiggled his leg, looked at the clock on the wall and said under his breath: ‘In fact, fuck it.’ He scrunched up a piece of paper he was holding into a ball, dropped it on the floor and walked out in disgust.

I watched him go, picked it up and unfolded it. It was some sort of form he’d filled out. The woman at the desk was still arguing with another patient, but just as I was deciding how best to play this, some double doors opened and another woman appeared saying loudly: ‘Shahid Khan for Dr Inglis, Room 10.’

I waited, but no one got up.

She looked around and repeated: ‘Shahid Khan?’

I looked down at the name on the form I was holding and realised she was calling the bloke next to me who’d given up and gone. All I had to do was get in a room with Alex. I didn’t need long for what I’d come to do.

I stood up. ‘Sorry, that’s me. I was miles away.’

She didn’t bat an eyelid. ‘Room 10,’ she repeated, and disappeared.

I made my way up the corridor and knocked on the almost closed door. The déjà vu wasn’t even funny. It was exactly like the very first time, three months ago.

‘Come in,’ Alex said cheerily.

She glanced up as I walked in and, satisfyingly, looked horrified. She jumped to her feet quickly as I closed the door behind me.

‘What are you doing here?’

‘Not nice when someone turns up unannounced, is it?’ I said. ‘Although obviously you will have been hoping I’d come running after last night’s little stunt, so this can’t be that much of a surprise?’

She didn’t say anything, just glanced at the door, but I was stood between it and her.

‘How did you get in here? I’ve got a patient waiting.’

‘Shahid Khan? Yeah, that’s me.’ I waved my scrunched-up paper.

‘You gave a fake identity?’ That unnerved her, I could tell. She looked genuinely frightened. ‘Jonathan, you shouldn’t have come here. If anyone sees you—’

‘I had a row with Cherry after you left yesterday.’ I spoke over her and watched carefully for a reaction to my lie – but she didn’t say anything; she was busily recomposing herself again, becoming blank. ‘Even my dad knew something was up.’

I waited, but she was back under control and just looked at me, impassively.

‘Is that what you wanted? All of this to come out in the open? What were you playing at, worming your way into my house yesterday?’ I took a step closer to her. ‘Getting your friends to recommend you to my parents, then upsetting my mother and shoving my girlfriend around? Who do you think you are, Alex?’ I hadn’t realised quite how angry I was until that moment. ‘We agreed we were over. “Have you got rid of him?” were your friend’s exact words, I think?’

‘Wait, Jonathan.’ She held up a defensive hand. ‘I had absolutely no idea you lived there. Your mother requested a home visit for medical attention.’

It took a moment for her words to sink in – I hesitated, completely confused. ‘What are you talking about? Of course you knew I lived there!’

‘Jonathan, I want to make it absolutely clear that my friend recommended me to your parents without my knowledge.’ She spoke slowly and deliberately. ‘I didn’t come to see you yesterday. I’m your doctor at the practice you’re registered at. There are very strict rules about that sort of thing.’

‘Right, because that’s bothered you up until now, the way it bothered you in your hotel room in Ibiza, in fact?’ I looked at her incredulously. ‘The LAST time we were going to do it, remember? Go out on a high? Ibiza 2017?’

‘But I didn’t know then. We were just two strangers.’

Then it dropped, and I saw what she was doing. How psycho could one person be? I had to close my eyes for a moment while I made a huge effort not to lose my cool. ‘Alex, that’s just not true, is it? I know you got off on that whole idea of us being strangers in Ibiza, but this isn’t funny any more. You’ve just called me Jonathan for a start, you know exactly who I am. I’ve got a phone back at my house full of messages from you. Stop playing games.’

‘A phone full of messages?’ She looked completely confused. ‘I realised that was your name when I saw it on your mother’s notes this morning. Jonathan, have I seen you before? Here, I mean, as a patient?’

I stared at her in disbelief and nearly yelled with frustration. ‘Alex, you need to stop this. You came to my fucking house! Have you no concept of how messed up that is?’

‘Jonathan, when we met at the club, did you think I knew who you were?’

‘This is not going to work,’ I warned her, somehow keeping calm. ‘I see what you’re trying to do, but I KNOW I have not imagined this whole thing. You’re playing a very sick game. Of course you knew who I was.’

‘But I didn’t. You do understand that, don’t you? I didn’t know who you were. I don’t know what you mean, you’ve got a phone full of messages? I think it would be best if you left now, actually.’

I laughed when she said that. I couldn’t help it. ‘You want me to leave?’

‘Yes, I do. I really am very sorry, Jonathan, that you thought my coming to your house was some sort of signal, but please don’t feel embarrassed. I can see it was an honest mistake.’

I stared at her, scrunched my fake form back up and put it in my pocket. ‘OK, whatever. If this is how you want to make yourself feel better about the fact that it’s over between us, I can live with that. Pretend whatever the hell you want. But you are NOT to come to my house again. You stay away from me, and my family, and my girlfriend, from now on. This is my official last warning to you.’ I stepped right up into her face and whispered, ‘or I will make you wish you really had never met me.’

My hands started tingling. I was so angry with her, the strength of it surprised me. I realised how easy it would be to just reach out and put my hands round her neck. I wanted to do it so much, I felt frightened and had to quickly spin around and bang out of the room – before I did something I’d regret even more than laying a finger on her in the first place.

---

The rage burst out of me when I got back in the car, however, and I actually did shout. I couldn’t believe what she’d just had the nerve to do; stand there and barefaced act like I was having some kind of mental flip out, when she had been the one to creep into my house within touching reach of my parents.

I leant my head back on the headrest for a moment, exhausted by the adrenaline surge I’d experienced back in her room. I just wanted it all to go away. If only I’d not put that bloody message on her windscreen.

I drove back to school for lunchtime to find everyone messing around in the Year 12 & 13 common room.

‘Hey!’ Cherry was delighted to see me. ‘Where have you been?’ Her face clouded over with concern. ‘Everything all right at home?’

I flopped down onto one of the sofas, and she got on alongside me. I didn’t know what to say and sat there for a moment trying to formulate the jumble of thoughts in my head, when suddenly a football smacked me on the side of the face out of nowhere. Everyone laughed, and I know it was just the lads pissing about, they didn’t mean anything by it, but it tipped me over the edge.

‘For fuck’s sake!’ I roared, jumping up and booting it as hard as I could back at Rik, who was holding his hands up in apology. He ducked but it hit the pillar anyway and crashed down onto one of the tables, knocking over several cans of Coke and decimating two of the girls’ lunches. ‘Could you just all FUCK OFF!’ I shouted.

A silence fell as everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me. The only sound was the cheap school radio in the corner tinnily playing that sodding James Hype track, ‘More Than Friends’.

I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the lyrics and the sudden wave of panic I was experiencing, but when I opened them again, everyone was still looking at me uncertainly, even Cherry – her mouth had fallen open in disbelief. My heart started thumping with embarrassment and anger. I grabbed my bag and banged out of the room, shoving past the Year 8 kids running down the corridor towards me, and out through the main door to the car park.

I heard my iPhone start ringing in my bag the second I’d slung it on the back seat, but I ignored it and drove off so fast I did an accidental wheel spin as I turned to drive down the hill. All of the younger boys playing out the front cheered, but their reaction barely registered with me. On autopilot I drove out of the town and along the back roads to the bunny run, turning right suddenly in front of an oncoming Lexus that blasted the horn angrily. I didn’t even care. I drove too fast along the windy road, almost losing it on a bend. I was lucky that nothing was coming in the opposite direction. I pulled off into the closed farm shop car park again. There were actually a couple of cars there, just two people eating lunch in the front seats of a Peugeot and one older bloke letting a dog out of the back of a Volvo. I bounced over the potholes and stopped in front of the five-bar gate – staring at it. In the cold light of day, I couldn’t believe it was so exposed. Anyone could have pulled up and seen us. A hot wave of humiliation and shame washed over me and, to my surprise, I realised I had tears in my eyes. She had used me – and she’d known it. She’d told me herself what we’d done was wrong: she was sorry, and I should stay away from her.

I jumped as a man with a dog suddenly appeared alongside the window and walked past the bonnet, glancing at me briefly. I quickly brushed the tears away and started the engine up again, reversing quickly, before turning around and re-joining the main road.

I began the drive back into town and started to think about Dad. I remembered him on the last morning of holiday – less than a week ago – smirking and patting me on the back, happily calling me a dirty little stop out, when I came back from my night at Alex’s hotel. He’d been pleased as punch. I took my hand off the steering wheel and felt under my rolled-up shirt sleeve, pulling it up slightly so I could glance at my tattoo, the one Dad had come with me to get when we’d gone to Paris to watch the footie with two of his mates. A boys’ weekend.

‘He would have got one anyway.’ He’d been completely unapologetic when Mum had spied the plaster on my arm and hit the roof. ‘Better I was there to make sure it was a safe place and not some dodgy gaff where he’d have come out with a cabbage inked on his arm and Christ knows what else from dirty needles?’

The thing is, I’d not even especially wanted one in the first place. It had been his idea. I let him pressure me into doing something I didn’t feel comfortable with because I didn’t take control of the situation.

On impulse, I took a left-hand turn and started to drive back towards the surgery. I was going to sort this out properly, once and for all.

I parked up on the street rather than driving back into the doctor’s car park, where she might see my car and refuse to come out, holding herself hostage in her consulting room. I walked down the slope and noticed her car parking space was empty. Confused, I looked around but spotted her BMW parked right at the back, out of the way, where she was obviously trying to hide from view. Well, I’d seen her.

I carried my rucksack up to the grassy bank beside it, took my coat off and sat down behind the car, out of sight – and I waited.

---

I don’t know exactly how long I sat there – I did a bit of work and went on my phone, ignoring the hundred odd messages from Cherry – but I was cold by the time Alex appeared, ready to go home. She blipped the car then jumped.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ she gasped. ‘You scared the life out of me! You can’t jump out at people like that – Jesus Christ!’

I realised suddenly how much she liked the drama. ‘I didn’t jump out.’ I got up stiffly. ‘I just want to talk to you, that’s all.’ I opened the passenger door and climbed in.

She opened the driver’s side, her eyes wide, and said in a terrified voice: ‘I need you to get out of my car now. Or I’m going to scream.’

My heart sank. She was determined to persist with this stranger crap. I sighed, climbed out again and walked round to her.

She moved back. ‘Did you not hear what I said to you earlier? Even if I wanted to, doctors aren’t allowed to have relationships with their patients. I would lose my job. I want you to leave, now. Just go home, Jonathan.’

She went to step round me and I reached up and calmly took her wrist.

Her eyes widened with fear. ‘Let go of me, now.’

‘I’m not going to hurt you. Stop being dramatic,’ I retorted. ‘I don’t actually want to touch you ever again. But what you tried to do today when I came to see you was wrong. You know what has happened between us and how many times you initiated it. You were using me. So, I don’t understand why, after we agreed to end it, you turned up at my house last night, but it’s pushed this over a line for me. I told you earlier to stay away, but that’s not enough. I know you’ll ignore me just like all of the other times. So, I’m taking control of this now. If you contact me again, or pull any more weird stunts like last night, I will make a formal complaint about you. Everyone will know what a hands-on doctor you are, and how committed to your patients you like to be.’

She sighed wearily. ‘You’ve got absolutely no proof of everything you just said. No one would believe you. Yes, we had sex in Ibiza, but I didn’t know who you were. That’s not a punishable offence. It was a one-off mistake on my part.’

I glanced up again and noticed a sharply dressed older man across the way, stood between two cars, watching us. There was something odd about the expression on his face and I realised he must know Alex, even though she had her back to him and he couldn’t see her face at all. He was clearly very familiar with her.

I had an idea, and without thinking twice, I lowered my head and kissed her softly on the lips. She couldn’t help but kiss me back for a moment, but then remembered where she was and pulled away.

‘Oh look,’ I nodded at the man, just stood there, watching us, ‘I think I’ve just found my first witness.’

She spun round and watched the man climb into his Land Rover and drive off at pace. Her mouth fell open.

‘I take it you know him?’ I said, pleased.

‘He’s my colleague.’

I gave a sympathetic shrug. ‘Oh well now, that’s bad luck.’ Irritatingly, although I badly wanted to enjoy the personal satisfaction of a pivotal moment I’d just created out of thin air, I felt nothing at all. Just empty.

She wiped the back of her mouth in disgust, glared at me, got into her car and drove off, leaving me just standing there, alone.

But my mind suddenly felt clearer and lighter than it had for a long time. I knew that I’d begun the end. It was all going to come out, but it felt really good that I’d done something positive to stop her game playing. I walked back to my car and climbed in. I already felt a sense of relief.

I drove home, had a shower and waited for Mum and Dad to get back. I heard them come in together chattering away; Mum was laughing at something. When I went downstairs they were in the kitchen, Mum sat on one of the stools rubbing her heels and Dad pouring her glass of Friday night fizz.

‘Hello bubba!’ she said, her face lighting up and holding her arms open as I walked in. ‘How’s your day been?’

I took a deep breath. ‘Mum, Dad. I’ve got something to tell you. That doctor who was here last night? I’ve been seeing her. I wanted to, at first, I was even the one who came on to her, not the other way round, but now she’s gone weird and obsessed. I think she’s started stalking me, and I need your help.’

---

Ruby came in later when I was in bed watching YouTube and waited while I took my headphones out.

‘Hey,’ she said. ‘So, Mum and Dad have told me everything, like you asked them to.’

I didn’t say anything, just looked down at my duvet.

‘I just want to say I think you’ve been really brave. That woman should never, ever have abused her position of trust like this. You’re doing the right thing in speaking out. She shouldn’t be a doctor, it’s as simple as that.’

I frowned. ‘She didn’t abuse me, I knew what I was doing – it’s just she’s gone really weird now and I don’t feel safe.’

She took a deep breath. ‘The thing is J, and I don’t mean this to sound patronising, you can’t even see that abusing you is exactly what she’s done.’

I coloured. ‘She didn’t force me to do anything.’ But as the words were out of my mouth, I started to think about her putting my hand under her skirt and felt uncomfortable. ‘I just want her to stop stalking me. It freaked me out that she came here last night.’

‘I bet it did, and I’m really sorry that I didn’t notice something was going on, and that you didn’t feel you could tell me. I’m here now though, J. Whenever you need me. All right?’

‘Thanks.’ I shifted position awkwardly. ‘Are Mum and Dad OK? Mum couldn’t stop crying earlier. I felt really bad.’

‘She’ll be fine,’ Ruby said quickly. ‘They both will. You don’t need to worry about anyone else. We just want to help you.’

‘I didn’t want to hurt anyone.’

‘You haven’t,’ Ruby said firmly. ‘You’ve done nothing wrong at all. Mum said they’re going to take you to the surgery on Monday morning to make a proper complaint. If you want me to come too, of course I will. I know what they can both get like when they’re angry.’

‘Dad’s going to go off on one.’ I bit my lip nervously. ‘He keeps ranting about how she’s abused me, but it really wasn’t like that – I just want some help in making her stay away from me.’

‘Of course you do, and we will help you.’

‘It all got out of control so quickly.’ I felt exhausted and, despite everything, I yawned. ‘She’s mental.’

‘Are your sugars OK? Do you need something to eat?’

‘They’re fine, but thanks. I’m just tired.’

‘Try and get some rest then,’ Ruby suggested. ‘Come and find us if you need anything and maybe turn your phone off, hey?’

I nodded obediently and did as I was told. She turned the light off too, like I was ten again. It was actually really nice to just lie there quietly listening to her and Mum walking around in their bedrooms while the sound of the TV drifted up from downstairs, where Dad was watching X-Men. I fell asleep quickly and for the first time in ages, didn’t dream at all.

---

On Monday morning when Mum came into my room to wake me I was already staring up at the ceiling.

‘Morning, bubs.’ She smiled at me as she sat down on the edge of my bed, but I could see – despite her cleverly applied make-up – her eyes were still puffy from all the crying she’d been careful not to let me catch her doing since Friday night. ‘Did you get much sleep?’

I nodded, and she looked relieved. ‘Want to get up and come and have something to eat before we get going?’

I sighed, and she looked worried. ‘You don’t have to do this, sweetheart. Dad and I can go and get things started. You don’t need to come if you can’t face seeing her?’

I twisted my head on the pillow to look at her. ‘I know what she’s like, how she’ll try and twist things,’ I tried to explain. ‘She’s clever, Mum. Really devious. I don’t trust her not to try and pull something I can’t defend if I’m not there – she’s the kind of person who comes out fighting when she’s cornered. This is all my fault.’ I closed my eyes. ‘I should never, ever have left that note on her windscreen.’

‘Hey!’ Mum said sharply. ‘She should have thrown that note away and ignored it completely, which is what any normal, sane adult would have done in those circumstances. You are not to blame for her actions.’

‘I just want to get on with my life. Is Dad still really angry?’ I looked away.

‘Not with you, Jonny. Not with you at all.’ Mum reached out and picked up my hand. ‘But, yes, he’s very upset that she took advantage of you the way she did, and he blames himself for you having to go and see her in the first place because of your football injury.’

I exhaled again.

‘We’ll get through this, all of us together.’ Mum reached out and took my hand. ‘We’re not going to let anything else happen to you, Jonny, I promise.’

---

I felt numb as the three of us climbed out of the car outside the surgery, ready to go in and make my complaint. I walked behind Mum and Dad across the car park to the main door and, for the first time, I thought about Alex’s husband and her children, and I hesitated.

‘You all right, love?’ Mum turned back to look at me.

‘I just want her to leave me alone,’ I said. ‘That’s all. I don’t want to make trouble.’

Mum stopped and came back to me. ‘Jonathan, she’s had chance after chance to walk away and she keeps coming back. You don’t have to let her carry on hurting you just because she can’t or won’t see that this is wrong. You’ve asked her to stop, and she hasn’t. That’s not OK, and whatever happens now as a result of that decision on her part, is her own fault.’

Dad held out a hand. ‘Come on – we’ve got you, Jonny. I’m going to sort this all out, I promise you.’

I followed him, and felt my stomach tighten into a knot as he pushed the glass door open with the other hand, marched into the surgery and straight up to the desk. ‘I want to see the manager out here, straight away.’

The receptionist looked slightly taken aback at his tone. ‘She’s in meetings this morning, I’m afraid. Can I take—’

‘No, you can’t,’ Dad cut across her. ‘I don’t care if she’s in a conference with the Queen. You get her out here now.’

‘Will she know what this is regarding?’

‘I want to make a complaint about one of your doctors.’

‘OK, well it might be our Operations Manager that you need to see, rather than Cleo. If you could just tell me what the—’

‘I’m not telling you anything!’ Dad started to raise his voice, and I shrank back away from him, aware that everyone in the waiting room was now staring at us. ‘Just get the person in charge, down here, now, all right, love?’

The receptionist narrowed her eyes. ‘We don’t tolerate abusive behaviour in this surgery. I’ll have to ask you to leave if you continue to speak to me in this aggressive manner.’

‘Oh, you don’t tolerate abuse? Is that right?’ Dad leant forward on the desk with both hands. ‘You told your doctors that? Because one of them has been abusing my son here.’ He gestured back to me, and I felt my face start to burn with hot shame. I hadn’t even told Cherry yet, and he’d just announced it to a whole room of strangers. ‘For the last three months. So, don’t you stand there and tell me what you will and won’t condescend to deal with, just get me your manager!’ He shouted the last bit and for a moment I thought the receptionist was going to cry. Mum was grasping my hand, as I stood there rigidly, while the room full of strangers stared and wondered what I’d been forced to let happen to me.

Before the receptionist could answer, the side doors that led up to the consulting rooms swung open, and Alex herself appeared alongside the man who had watched me kiss her in the car park on Friday night.

Dad turned and saw her too. ‘There she is!’ he exclaimed and pointed at Alex. ‘That’s the doctor who’s been sexually abusing our son!’

Maybe it was hearing the words said out loud that had such an effect on Mum, or perhaps it was just the sight of Alex in the flesh, but she let go of me and rushed straight up to Alex. I thought she was going to attack her.

‘Shame on you!’ she hissed. ‘And you came to my house? You have the brass neck to get one of your slapper friends to put you forward so you can come into my house to get at my child?’

‘We need to calm this down.’ The car park man stepped in front of Mum, looking down at her. ‘This is a very serious allegation you’re making here, and this isn’t an appropriate—’

‘Appropriate?’ Mum rounded on him. ‘Don’t you dare talk to me about what’s appropriate! You’re supposed to be able to trust your doctor with your children. She’s been preying on him for months!’

‘What? No, I haven’t! That’s a lie!’ Alex finally started to defend herself.

‘So you haven’t had sex with my son then?’ Mum demanded.

Alex hesitated and turned to me desperately. I stared back blankly, offering her nothing, not because I was taking a leaf out of her book, but because I was terrified.

‘You see!’ Mum exclaimed to the rest of the room. ‘She’s not denying it! She can’t, because it’s true. Well we’re not going to let you get away with this. I’m going to make sure you never get your dirty hands near another child.’ She pointed firmly at Alex, who melodramatically jerked her head back in terror as if Mum was holding a knife to her forehead.

‘That’s enough,’ the car park man said to Mum, and I realised he must be Alex’s boss to be assuming charge like this. ‘I’ve just had the police here and I’ll call them again if you attempt another assault on my colleague.’

‘My wife isn’t the one doing the assaulting.’ Dad was there like a shot. ‘You best get us a room where we can make our complaint properly. I assume it’s you who runs this place as you’re acting the big billy bollocks.’

‘Dad,’ I said quickly. Defending me was one thing; Dad would lose it completely if anyone insulted Mum and he might well become violent. I didn’t want that, for everyone’s sake.

‘Don’t worry, son, I’m dealing with it.’ Dad just held a hand up to silence me. ‘She’s not going to be allowed to hurt you again.’

‘Yes, he’s the one who runs it,’ Mum answered Dad, nodding at car park man. ‘He’s the doctor I saw last month.’

‘This is outrageous.’ Alex turned to Dad. ‘You’re making public allegations that are completely false, and which you can’t have any evidence of, because they’re not true. That’s slander, and I’ll sue you if say another word.’

‘You’re threatening me?’ Dad laughed in her face, and I remembered thinking they might be having an affair. Weren’t they way too similar to appeal to each other? ‘Did you hear that everyone? The kiddy-fiddler doctor says she’s going to sue me!’

‘I mean it, I’ll call the police if you continue this.’ Car park man was starting to get really aggressive with Dad now too. It was like watching two lions starting to prowl round each other. ‘We either discuss this privately or not at all.’

‘Jonathan – you know this isn’t true.’ Alex turned to me suddenly. ‘Why are you making this up? Is it because I said I’d tell everyone you tried to blackmail me into sleeping with you?’

And there it was. My gut tightened again. I knew she’d try something… some sort of lie to point the accusations at me instead.

‘Don’t talk to him,’ Mum rounded on her furiously; well prepared, after my warning that Alex would attempt to twist everything. ‘Don’t so much as look at him, love, all right?’

‘Please, Alex, don’t say anything more.’ Even car park man was now trying to shut Alex down. ‘Just go into my office and wait there, OK?’

‘Jonathan?’ She looked at me desperately, but I refused to engage with her, refused to let her play her games. At long last I’d finally managed to prevent her from having any more power over me, ever again.

She had no choice but to turn around to leave the room, everyone watching her. As she opened the door I heard one of the older patients tut and repeat Mum’s verdict with a muttered: ‘For shame!’

I felt sick with relief. They believed me.

Thank God. Everyone could see I was telling the truth.

---

Why did I choose Shahid Khan as a name? I didn’t. I just picked up a form off the floor and pretended to be someone else, so I could have the opportunity to safely ask her to leave me alone. I knew she wouldn’t be able to go crazy in a full surgery. That’s all.

Yes, I still have the pay-as-you-go phone. I can’t prove the messages on it come from her. That was kind of the point in the first place. I doubt very much she has hers any more. She’s not that stupid. But my phone definitely exists. The number is 07887— call it right now if you like? It’ll ring. It’s genuine.

I also want to make the point she was safe from me. I had no intention of going to the surgery to hurt her. I’ve told the truth. What kind of person would I be to have made everything up?

What kind of person could even suggest that I had?