JOVAN GLANCED FROM ONE OF US TO THE OTHER, SIGHING heavily. Better than anyone, he knew how things were between Mama and me, and knowing how it pained him only made it that much worse for me. “Who can say no to such a pair of beauties?” he finally said, lowering himself carefully onto one of the little chairs. His arthritis was flaring up, I could tell by the overly cautious movements, the strain in his jaw, the entire air of indignation at old age daring to befall him. “Iris, will I see you later today at the studio?”
“Maybe, but if not, tomorrow for sure.” Patting his shoulder, I squeezed by him to slide behind the counter and into the kitchen, making sure I didn’t accidentally brush Mama in passing. In the back, macarons were rising in one of the ovens, their delicate shells bright yellow. Dandelion clocks today, then. I could tell just by looking that they were still too soft to be taken out, so I joined Mama’s pastry apprentice, Nevena, at one of the stainless steel counters, perching my chin on her shoulder as she whipped the creamy white base that would become the macaron filling.
She nudged her cheek against mine in greeting, smiling in profile.
“Morning, sunshine,” I said to her. “How do you look so damn sprightly? Watching you take body shots off Filip might be the last thing I actually remember from last night.”
Nev was two years older than Lina and me, bright and appealing as a freshly cut marigold—tall and lanky like so many Montenegrin women were, and blue-eyed and blond as a Scandinavian. Her fine hair was cut into a chin-length bob, one side tucked behind a neat little ear. Today she wore a pale-green, pin-up halter dress with gold unicorns prancing around the billowy hem, the neckline dipping low over her freckled cleavage. The shimmer of the fabric nearly made me drool with envy; none of my clothes even threatened to be that gorgeous. Nev was a councilman’s daughter, and so sweetly gracious about coming from money it’d have made my teeth ache if I hadn’t liked her so much.
“By God, I really committed to those,” she agreed, flourishing her wooden spoon with such flair that creamy droplets splattered on the wall. Out of reflex, both of us glanced back at the front of the shop to see if we’d been caught—baking was like prayer to Jasmina, meant to be hushed and holy as a ceremony—but there was no sign of her. “I didn’t have any of that lethal weed that new boy brought, though, maybe that’s it. Speaking of which, come closer. You kind of reek, dollface. Maybe I’ll catch a contact high.”
“So I’ve heard. What new boy?”
Nev arched a wispy eyebrow and whistled low. “You really don’t remember him? I’d never seen him at Filip’s before, and he didn’t look like a local. No idea who he knew. He was fucking gorgeous, though, I mean, damn. You were passing his joint back and forth, and saying something about how you could make a galaxy out of the ceiling for him if you had just enough.” She snorted. “The way he was looking at you, I think he thought some kind of big bang was nigh, for sure. Whatever you were talking about, wanna teach me your ways? Always room for more boy-finagling tricks in the lady arsenal.”
For a moment, I almost did remember something: the Christmas lights on Nevena’s ceiling swirling like a nebula at the behest of my own twirling finger, and a tattooed arm alongside mine as we traced the whirlpools together.
But that was impossible. I wasn’t strong enough anymore to make the bloom visible to anyone else, and it had been years since anything but flowers fractaled for me. It must have been a dream, the last wishful moments of waking tiding over into sleep.
I finally shrugged. “Wish I could help, but alas. No idea what I said. Filip’s rotgut rakija slayed me as usual, it’s like I never learn. Serves me right, forgetting a shiny new boy.”
“Well, he knows where you work. You definitely mentioned”—she lowered her voice—“‘Mistress Mean’ out there, I heard that much. It was quite the shrill moment.”
A cold hand gripped my stomach. Had I told him about the gleam? Could I have been that careless and stupid? “Did you hear—did I say anything else to him? Besides promising him the universe, apparently?”
Nev shrugged, jutting out her lower lip to blow a wayward strand out of her eyes. Another faint almost-memory flared, like the afterimage of the sun—a strand of someone else’s hair tickly across my mouth. A warm finger brushing it off for me, before tracing the outline of my face and the hollows beneath my eyes.
“No clue,” she said. “I was busy licking Frangelico off Filip, and you were kind of mumbly by then. I’m not sure when he left, but you were alone by the time everyone else cleared out. He’d tucked you in with a quilt and everything. Maximum cute.”
I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. Strangers didn’t usually make it their business to talk to me, much less to coddle me with blankets. But even if it had been a dream, the memory of that fingertip following the curve of my chin—and a light stroke at the tender flesh beneath—made me flush warm underneath my skin.
I stepped back from Nev, rubbing my arms. “Did you need any help here? I’m not sure what to do, given that Jasmina still isn’t deigning to speak to me. Must be Tuesday.”
Nev rolled her eyes. She enjoyed such a smooth, sunny relationship with Mama that it seemed to me like a magic all its own. The permafrost between the two of us baffled her completely. “I think she’ll want to start another batch of the dandelions soon, so you could get a jump on those. We’re making at least eight other desserts today, too, so really just cut up whatever and I guarantee something will happen with it. I think we’re running low on lemonade, too.”
Café Tadić wasn’t actually anything so simple as one of the Old Town’s real cafés, which served cappuccinos and thick Turkish coffee, peach nectar and Pepsi, sandwiches and desserts that gathered dust for days in their tiered displays. My mother’s café was a confectionery more than anything else. Some days she baked doe’s back cake, a roulade of airy hazelnut dough and chocolate ganache dusted with ground hazelnuts, yet there was always an element of surprise—a sprig of mint that should have soured the cake, but that instead put you in mind of a glen in the woods. And with the next bite, a speck of wild strawberry, the kind that grew alongside forest trails, until you felt you walked them yourself with the liquid gleam of a fawn’s eyes fixed on you from the bush.
Mama’s desserts were nothing if not suspenseful.
Other days, she made floating islands, fluffy lumps of spongy, unset meringue bobbing in creamy zabaglione and laced with orange syrup, violet preserves, and a powder she ground from bee pollen, so that every bite tasted exactly like late spring sunshine. She churned her own gelato too, but her chocolate stracciatella was always streaked like a sunset with other things, marmalade and rose hip jelly and crystallized chips of honey, and somehow it put you in mind of the sky—the held breath of twilight, the sanctity of dusk, and the final slippage into night. And you knew that when she looked at the sky, this was the taste that bloomed in her mouth. Like me with my glasswork, Mama lived and breathed for the alchemy that went on in her kitchen. Her ingredients were so exquisite that most of our profit funneled back into buying more raw material. Sometimes I thought she would keep baking macarons that tasted like dandelion clocks drifting on a summer wind long after we ran out of money for bread and bologna and Carnex vegetable pâté.
“So what is it you’re going for today?”
I whirled around, trying not to upset the mixing bowl I’d been cracking eggs into for fresh batter. Nev caught her breath in the corner, loud enough that Mama turned to her, absently tucking a stray strand behind her ear. She did that often, patting Nev’s shoulder or stroking her flyaway doll’s hair when they worked beside each other. It wasn’t Nev’s fault—she was naturally pettable—but no matter how many times I saw it, the knife never stopped twisting.
“Nevena, sweet, please go see to the storefront, would you?” she said, her tone meticulously even. “I’d like to speak with Iris for a moment.”
Nev lingered briefly, raising her eyebrows at me over Mama’s shoulder. I gave her a tiny nod. She wasn’t going to help me now, no matter how much Mama liked her.
Mama cocked her head to the side, tendons cording down the slender but sturdy bow of her neck. Her eyes were glittering, bright and dangerous. They were palest gray, like mine; near transparent, with a darker line around the iris. Wolf eyes. “Tell me, is it gutter-trash whore today?” she mused. “It’s hard to discern your fashion nuances, sometimes. Might be they’re beyond me.”
My stomach knotted. I always yearned for the battle, because it was so much better than nothing, but still it hurt every time she picked up the gauntlet.
“‘Whore’?” I echoed softly. “I’m not sure what you mean, Jasmina, unless you’re talking about getting knocked up by a sailor at nineteen. In which case, astonishment, Mother does know best! The gutter-trash element is still up for debate, though. I’ll check back in when I’m old enough to breed my own bastards.”
The gas-leak hiss of her gasp should have tipped me off, but she didn’t hit me often and hadn’t for a long time, long enough that I wasn’t prepared for the meaty smack of her palm against my cheek. My head snapped back and my sinuses buzzed with an electric zing. Tears sprang to my eyes. The urge to sob was so strong it nearly doubled me over.
Every time, I hoped it would be different. That instead of rising to the challenge she would understand what I was doing and meet me halfway, on some neutral ground.
But she never did.
Instead she stepped close to me and gripped me by the chin, angling my face up to hers. Neither Malina nor I were quite as tall as she was. Her fingertips were rough from cooking, and smelled like lavender and spring onions. The scent reminded me of long-ago times when she’d touched me more, and I bit my lip as I met her gaze.
“One day you’ll understand,” she whispered, “what it’s like to see your eyes in someone else’s face. To see yourself reflected back, and simply not know how to tame it.” She shuddered, lips tightening. “Or maybe you won’t ever have to see that. And if you’re lucky enough, you’ll never have to do the things I do for you.”
“And what things are those?” I shot back, my voice breaking as the tears ran hot down my cheeks. “Ignoring me? Making me feel dirty? Keeping me from the one thing I’m good at, the one thing that’s best in this stupid, tiny fishbowl life? Thanks so much for all that care, Jasmina, but I could really do without.”
She dropped my chin and stepped away from me, swiping a hand over her mouth. Her back straightened as if the stays had been drawn tight on some invisible corset.
“Pull yourself together, and then get back out there,” she ordered. “We have a customer waiting outside. And send Nevena back in on your way out.” She elbowed me away from the eggs and almond flour, not roughly but none too gently either, adding, “I hope you enjoy putting yourself on display like that. Certainly the men who see you will have a treasure trove of thoughts to tide them over once they’re home tonight. Seems unfair that they should have all the fun.”
“That’s a bit rich, coming from you,” I said, my voice still wavering. “You flirt with everyone.”
Her shoulders twitched, but she didn’t turn. “It’s not the same. None of them could ever have me, and they know it. They wouldn’t dare touch me. Unlike you.”
“Are you telling me to go home and change?” I hated myself as soon as the words were out. I didn’t want to do it—didn’t want to pander to her—but now I actually felt as good as naked.
“Oh, no,” she replied. The fire had been tamped down, and we were back to our usual purgatory. Just cold and ashes, with only the lingering tang of smoke to show that there’d ever been a spark at all. “Don’t go to the trouble on my account. Who knows? Maybe you’ll even draw us a bigger crowd today. Dessert and a show—it could be our new calling card. Now go see what they want. And at least try not to walk like you belong in those clothes.”