12

IRIS AND JOEY

Late morning, Wednesday, September 20, 1989

Joey sat on the edge of the swimming pool and applied sunblock to Iris’s shoulders and back. They were at Bayard’s house drinking beer, wine, and Bloody Marys with Bayard, Poppy, and Fritz. Fritz had brought along a water toy shaped like a long blue Styrofoam noodle and he was currently floating in circles with the noodle tucked under his arms. Bayard was stretched out on one of the two matching chaises longues. He was deeply tanned and his skin glistened with suntan oil. Poppy lay facedown on the matching chaise in a white bikini. She’d applied a sunblock that left a white residue on her shoulders and arms, rendering her skin so pale she looked anemic.

Lazily, Bayard said, “How’s the construction trade these days? Must be doing well or you wouldn’t have a day off.”

“Booming. We’re doing good,” Joey said. He lit a cigarette, drew on it deeply, and then handed it to Iris.

Iris said, “Thanks, babe.”

She turned to Bayard. “Fritz tell you about the PI his mom hired?”

Bayard said, “First I’ve heard of it. What’s the deal?”

Fritz waved off the notion. “She won’t last long. My dad doesn’t care for her.”

Bayard laughed. “A girl detective? You gotta be kidding me.”

“Why is that so funny?” Iris asked.

“Don’t go all righteous on me, Iris.”

“I’d just appreciate it if you’d get up to speed. This is the twentieth century . . .”

Bayard ignored her, homing in on the subject. “What’s his objection?”

“He just has no use for her and he’s made that clear.”

“How come she’s still on the job if she’s so useless?” Bayard asked.

“He’s pissed off because Mom’s been running the show and he doesn’t like the way she’s doing it.”

“How come this female wonder hasn’t talked to me?” Bayard said.

“Or me?” Poppy said, chiming in on his complaint.

“I’m sure she’ll get around to it.”

Poppy said, “Has anyone talked to Troy?”

Iris raised a hand. “I called, but his wife said he’s at work. She couldn’t get off the phone fast enough.”

Bayard said, “Come on, gang. He’s a family man. What’s he want with us? I ran into him last week and he barely made eye contact. There’s a chill in the air now that this has come up again. He’s keeping his distance.”

Iris made a face. “So that else is new? He’s been doing that for years.”

“None of us are feeling exactly chummy,” Poppy remarked.

Fritz said, “I am.”

“You would,” Poppy said.

Fritz wasn’t so easily put off. “I mean it. I love being with you guys.”

“We think you’re a peach as well,” Bayard said.

“Right.”

Poppy sat up and put her feet flat on the patio. Despite the sunblock, she was already looking burned, her skin a hot pink. “You know what I think? The blackmailer can’t be someone who knew about the tape way back when.”

Bayard looked at her with interest. “How so?”

“Because he assumes the action is real. He’s taking it as gospel when you guys were just joking around. Otherwise, why would he think the tape was worth anything?”

Bayard said, “That’s your view? It was all a big joke?”

“That’s what you told me. Isn’t that correct?”

She looked from Bayard to Joey, who said, “Don’t look at me. I’m new on the scene.”

Joey turned his attention to Fritz. “So what’s the story on the money? Any chance your parents will change their minds?”

“About what?” Poppy asked.

“God, Poppy! Try to keep up. I get tired of having to stop and explain,” Bayard said. “His parents don’t want to pay. They’ve left him hanging out to dry.”

Fritz said, “For the time being it’s a non-issue, since we haven’t heard a peep from the guy.”

Bayard frowned. “He’s not pressing you to pay? Sounds like he’s not all that serious.”

Fritz said, “The guy’s a sadist. He wants us to sweat.”

Poppy said, “Do your parents know you’ve told us all this stuff?”

“Are you kidding? No way. They’re acting like this is all hush-hush. They don’t want word to get out.”

“I can understand their concern,” Bayard said. “Information’s dangerous.”

Iris scoffed. “Information isn’t dangerous.”

“It is in Austin’s hands.”

“He’s right about that,” Poppy said. “He’s always airing other people’s dirty laundry. Anything to embarrass and humiliate us. If he hadn’t hit the road when he did, there’s no telling what kind of havoc he could have wreaked.”

Bayard’s tone was mild. “What’d he have on you, Poppy?”

Her smile faded. “None of your business.”

Iris lowered herself into the pool and began to breaststroke to the far side, her hair trailing in the water.

Bayard turned to Fritz. “You still hogging the couch at Berg and Stringer’s place?”

“I’m not hogging. They invited me.”

Bayard said, “I can assure you I’m not as generous, so if you’re looking for another host organism, don’t come to me.”

“What a shit. I haven’t asked you for anything,” Fritz said.

“Let’s keep it that way.”

Fritz pinched his nose and ducked under the water, coming up with a splash. He draped his arms over the flotation device and flipped the hair out of his face. “Oh hey, guys. I almost forgot. I got a good one for you. This will really crack you up. Remember I told you about Blake Edelston and Betsy Coe?”

Iris had reached the far side and she was dog-paddling back. “We know. They’ve been dating for months.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“What are you talking about?” Bayard asked.

“I’ll tell you if you’ll shut the fuck up.”

Bayard widened his eyes and bit his fingers as though chastened.

Fritz was so intent on his story, he didn’t catch the mockery. “What happened was Blake went off to this sales convention in Las Vegas? While he’s there, he meets this redheaded hottie and the two screw like bunny rabbits for two days. He thinks he can get away with it. Just keep his trap shut and who’s the wiser. Turns out he picked up HPV from this chick and now he’s passed it on to Bets.”

Poppy said, “What’s HPV?”

“Where have you been? It’s a virus . . .”

“A virus, Iris,” Bayard interjected, feeling clever at the wordplay.

Fritz picked up as though Bayard hadn’t interrupted. “A sexually transmitted disease, dummy. Betsy’s on the warpath. Now she’s got these genital warts and she knows she didn’t do anything.” Fritz started cackling, the same braying laugh that got on everyone’s nerves.

Poppy said, “That’s gross, Fritz. I can’t believe you’re telling us.”

Fritz was still so caught up in his enjoyment that he didn’t pick up on the general chill. “No, no. That’s not the point. Blake’s always acting like he’s so pure and above it all. He screwed around a hundred times and never got caught. You should have heard her on the phone. She tracked him down to Stringer’s place and I picked up every word she said. I was all the way in the other room.”

Joey said, “You know what, Fritz? You’re out of line.”

“What’d I do? I didn’t do anything.”

“Yes, you did,” Iris said. “Blake’s sex life is none of our business and it’s sure as hell not our business who has an STD. You know what your problem is?”

“Aside from the fact that he’s stupid?” Bayard put in.

Iris went right on. “You have no filter. Whatever crosses your mind, comes straight out of your mouth.”

“Name one time.”

“How about this blackmail attempt? Tape shows up and you’re on the phone five minutes later, blabbing away. You’re a tattletale.”

“I’m not. I was scared. You’re my friends. I was warning you in case the guy came after you.”

Poppy said, “You also blabbed about how much he was asking for, what your parents said, what you said, how pissed off you were—”

“Because you asked.”

“Nobody asked you if Betsy had a venereal disease,” Poppy said.

Iris laughed. “Yeah, loose lips sink ships. Haven’t you ever heard that one?”

“I know things I haven’t told anyone,” Fritz said indignantly.

Poppy said, “Such as what?”

“I don’t know. Such as my theory about Austin.”

Bayard thumped himself in the forehead. “Jesus, Fritz. You’re about to blab something else.”

Iris said, “What’s your theory? Out with it. This is good. We can keep a secret even if you can’t.”

“This is not a secret. It’s just this idea I had. People keep wondering if he’s dead or alive? I think he’s dead.”

Poppy said, “Well, that’s interesting. Based on what?”

“None of us have heard from him. If he were alive, he’d have been in touch.”

Bayard said, “Why would he communicate with us?”

“We’re his friends.”

“No, we’re not. Austin never had friends. We all hated him.”

“I didn’t,” Fritz said.

Bayard looked at him in disbelief. “Are you shitting me? He treated you like dirt. Insulted, berated. I don’t think I ever heard him say a nice word to you. And there you were, falling all over yourself promising to love, honor, and obey.”

“He’s a lot smarter than we are and I admired that. Shit. If I knew half of what he knew, I’d trade my silence for money anytime.”

Bayard said, “You’d do that? After what this blackmailer has done to you? Nice attitude, Fritz. Really admirable.”

Fritz shrugged. “What can I tell you? I learned it from him.”

“Then you better unlearn it fast. Austin’s an asshole. You don’t want to follow in his footsteps.”

Iris said, “Hold on. Forget that and back up. If he’s dead, what happened to him?”

Fritz said, “I don’t know. He was under pressure. He’s one of those guys who’d rather die than go to jail. If he thought the cops were onto him, he might have killed himself.”

“The cops were onto him. Thanks to you,” Bayard said.

Poppy said, “Austin wouldn’t kill himself. He’s too self-centered.”

“Maybe someone else did the job for him,” Fritz said.

“Who’d kill Austin?” she asked.

Bayard said, “Who wouldn’t?”

Poppy’s attention was fixed on Fritz. “Answer the question. I’m really curious.”

“Why would anyone kill him? To keep him quiet,” Fritz said.

“About what?”

“That’s just it. If he had something on you, killing him would be the only way you’d ever be safe.”

Iris said, “What do you mean, ‘if he had something on you’? What kind of something?”

Fritz said, “Like, suppose you were into kiddy porn and he found out. Maybe you’re up for a great job that requires a background check. Austin would expose you just for the hell of it. He had something on just about everyone.”

Poppy said, “We all have secrets. So what else is new?”

Fritz piped up. “I know what he had on Bayard.”

Bayard snorted. “Me? Great. Now you’re going to tell my secrets?”

“Give me a dollar and I won’t,” Fritz said, and then he pointed at Bayard and cackled. “You ought to see the look on your face!” His laughter was forced, as though he recognized his humor had bombed again. The general tenor of the gathering had soured.

Bayard shook his head. “You just can’t give it up, can you?”

“Your problem is you can’t take a joke.”

“You’re the one with problems,” Poppy said, “not the rest of us.”

Bayard said, “Good point. How do you know Austin’s not the one who sent that anonymous note to your parents? If anyone knew how dangerous the tape was, he did.”

Poppy’s tone was skeptical. “What are you saying? He goes around blackmailing people? That’s farfetched.”

“I can see his point,” Joey said, coming to Bayard’s defense. “What’s he living on? He’s gotta have money. Dude can’t hold down a job. He’s on the run, always looking over his shoulder in case someone’s spotted him and knows who he is.”

“Oh, please. You think he’s blackmailing the McCabes? Even Austin isn’t that devious,” Iris said.

“Yes he is,” Bayard said.

“Or was, if I’m right about him being . . .” Fritz ran a finger across his throat.

Poppy raised a hand. “You are so full of shit. If someone killed him, where’s the body?”

Iris said, “That’s easy. Dump him in the ocean. Biggest graveyard in the world.”

“Good idea. Feed him to the sharks,” Bayard remarked. “That would eliminate any telltale evidence.”

Fritz said, “I know the perfect place.”

“Where’s that?” Bayard asked.

“I’ll show you sometime,” he said. “Anyway, I didn’t claim it happened here in town. It could have been anywhere. I mean, how long has he been gone?”

Bayard said, “Not long enough. If we’re lucky, he ran into someone who wouldn’t put up with his arrogance.”

Poppy said, “Nope. Don’t buy it.”

Fritz said, “I’m not trying to talk you into anything. I’m just giving you my opinion.”

Bayard said, “You better hope he’s dead, Fritzer-boy. You’re the one who snitched. If he comes back, he’ll be out for blood. Namely yours.”

“What about you? You testified against him in court.”

“He doesn’t know that. He’d flown the coop by then.”

“He might still have friends here. Suppose somebody leaked information?”

“Now you’re talking like he’s alive. So which is it?”

Fritz said, “How come you’re on my case all the time?”

“Because you’re a pain in the ass.”

Iris got to her feet and pulled on the short cotton robe she was using as a coverall. “Well, folks. Fun as it is to sit and listen to you bicker, I’m out of here.” She gathered up their towels and swim paraphernalia.

Joey stood as well and slipped his feet back into his flip-flops.

Poppy put a towel over her shoulders and found her sunglasses. “I better get back myself. I have things to do, but thanks, Bayard. This was fun.”

“Hey, come on,” Bayard said. “Don’t everybody leave at once.”

“Thanks, man,” Joey said. “Appreciate the invitation.” He and Bayard shook hands.

As the three of them gathered their belongings, Bayard looked down at Fritz, who was still treading water. “Aren’t you wanted somewhere else?”

“Not me. I’m free as a bird.”

“Well, I’m not,” Bayard said.

“There you go again . . .”

Bayard closed his eyes briefly, adjusting his attitude. “You’re right. I’m a dick. Hell, you might as well stay for lunch. Ellis can rustle us up some sandwiches.”

“How am I supposed to get home?” Fritz asked.

“I’ll drop you off at your place. I have errands to run anyway.”

Fritz brightened. “Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously,” Bayard said. He turned back to the others. “Come on. I’ll walk you guys out.”

The four of them—Bayard, Poppy, Joey, and Iris—straggled through the patio doors and then crossed the living room. Fritz dog-paddled over to the side and lifted himself onto the edge of the pool.

•   •   •

In the car on the way down the drive, Joey said, “What did you think of that discussion about Austin?”

“Being dead or alive? I don’t know how you could prove it one way or the other. What’s your take on it?”

“Beats me. I never even knew the guy. Here’s what occurred to me. If we were clever, we’d create a diversion.”

Iris looked over at him. “Like what?”

“We need a shadow suspect. A stand-in for the blackmailer. Someone other than us.”

“Nobody thinks it’s us.”

“I’m saying we conjure a boogeyman. That way, our fearless girl detective can forget everything else and chase after him.”

“Who’d you have in mind?”

“Who’s the obvious candidate?”

She looked at him for a moment. “Austin.”

“There you go,” he said.

“Why do anything?”

“Because Fritz has gotten complacent.”

“No he hasn’t. He’s scared shitless, crying in his beer because his mommy and daddy won’t pay up.”

“Yeah, but what’s he doing about it? Fuck all. We need to remind him how much trouble he’s in.”

“Ha. Like he doesn’t know that already.”

“I’m saying reinforce the threat. Put the squeeze on him. I’ve been thinking about it and I have it all worked out. We call and leave Fritz a message on the answering machine—”

Iris interrupted. “How do you know he won’t pick up? Or his parents?”

“If they do, I hang up and try again another time. When I get the machine, I can make it sound like it’s Austin. ‘This is a voice from your past. I’m tired of screwing around. You either get the money or else.’ Something to that effect. Fritz just said if Austin were alive, he’d be in touch. He hears that message and he’ll assume it’s him. Those recordings distort voices anyway, so that will work to our advantage. I’ll give him instructions for where to deliver the money and then we’ll get this show on the road.”

Iris said, “There’s no point telling him where to deliver the money when he doesn’t have it.”

“This is to light a fire under his butt. Get him motivated. Otherwise, what’s his incentive for doing anything?”

“Come on, Joey. What’s he supposed to do? It’s obvious his opinion carries no weight with his mom and dad.”

“Not our problem. That’s his to work out and he better hop to,” Joey said. “It’s time to remind Fritz how much he stands to lose.”

“So what are these instructions of yours? I’m dying to hear.”

“He needs a deadline. Something concrete so this doesn’t drag on and on. I’ll say someone’s going to pick him up somewhere downtown. Give him a day and time. Then we can drive by the location and check to see if he’s cooperating.”

“And if he’s not?”

Joey shrugged. “We try something else.”

“You know what? So far, this feels like we’re just making shit up as we go along.”

“It’s called being flexible. If he comes up with the dough, we’ll come up with a plan.”

“You better think about it in the meantime.”

“Baby, that’s all I do.” He looked over at her. “It’d be funny if this worked, wouldn’t it?”

She smiled. “I don’t know about funny, but it would be a hoot.”