My phone rang as I worked on my next blog post—an in-depth analysis of pubic hair trends and my ideas of what was next on the body hair front. Elias’s name popped up, and I tried not to cringe as I hit the answer button.

“Yeah?”

“Where you been? I haven’t heard from you.”

“Sorry. I’ve been trying to catch up on the blog. Ever since Scarlet stepped into the spotlight, my traffic is through the roof. More questions, more work, more everything.”

“More ad money from Jizzlywinks?”

“That, too.” My revenue was shooting up with every click onto my web site. I’d already messaged my web designer twice that morning about issues popping up from all the traffic.

“Good. I can’t wait for the SquickyLube ads to go live. I’m telling you, that thing’s going to be a real winner.” Something buzzed in the background, like a copy machine—or maybe a vibrator on his desk. “Hey! You know, right this second, I had a stroke of genius.”

I stopped typing and stared at my phone. “That’s never a good thing.”

“Hear me out. What if we had Scarlet Rocket give the SquickyLube its first test run?”

My mind traveled to a place where Scarlet rubbed a slick vibrator on her wet pussy while I watched. I shifted in my chair to keep my shorts from strangling my rising dick.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Run it past her. We’d pay for the research, of course.”

“What’s the minimum wage for masturbation these days?”

He laughed. “Can you imagine if we got paid for time spent masturbating? I’d be the Bill Gates of Baby Batter.”

I choked on the slurp of coffee I’d just taken. “You really have a way with words.”

“That’s why I went into advertising.”

“Good choice.”

He coughed. “I did call for a reason.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“I hate to be the constant bearer of bad news, but have you checked the New York Daily News today? Jina Feinstein has posted a, well…an interesting piece.”

My stomach sank into my scrotum, pulling everything inside me tight. I clicked over to the website and scrolled to the features section.

“Shiiiiiit.” Jina’s headline read “Relationship Expert or Dangerous Enabler?” She recapped Scarlet’s advice to the his-ex-talks-through-his-dick girl, then dissected the issue of how Scarlet played into the delusion.

“I mean, it’s not the worst thing ever.” Elias chuckled. “The worst thing ever is a chick who thinks people are talking through your dick hole.”

I skimmed toward the bottom of the article. Jina ended with, “Though more than just a delightful personality, Scarlet has yet to prove herself as the relationship sage she touts herself as on her blog. This makes me wonder if her upcoming self-help book will meet the high mark she’s set for herself as the romantic voice of the millennial generation.”

I leaned back in my chair and tossed my glasses onto my desk. Rubbing the bridge of my nose, I tried to find some bright side.

“Look, she didn’t go hard on you.” Elias adopted a conciliatory tone. “She just isn’t convinced.”

“I know, but I’m not sure if Scarlet—fake Scarlet—can convince her. I’m the one with the advice, not her.”

“Maybe you could give Scarlet some pointers?”

“I’m not sure if I can do that. It’s just…it’s my thing, you know?”

“Yeah, you do have a knack for it. You’re like one of those mystical matchmaker people or something.” He sighed. “How many more hoity toity parties with Scarlet you got lined up?”

“Two.”

“So you only have to keep her under control for two more events.”

I laughed and let my head loll back on my shoulders. “You have no idea how impossible it is to keep her under control. It’s not a thing. It’s like the singularity at the center of the black hole where Commander Reptilian got trapped in Aliens Versus Vampires V.”

“You lost me with that nerd shit.”

“I know.” I sat back up and stared at Jina’s article.

“But I have to say I like the new you.”

“New me?”

“Yeah. Ever since that little firecracker got ahold of you, it’s like you’re Willis turned up to eleven. And, for once, you’re chasing a girl.”

“I’m not chasing.”

He snickered. “Get real, man. You. Are. Chasing.”

I was interested. Okay, scratch that. Extremely interested in Scarlet. I knew she was trouble, but there was something about her that demanded I keep pushing, investigating, and looking for the real her beneath the façade. Maybe Elias was right. Once she’d drawn me out of my shell, I had no intention of going back inside alone.

“Look, I have to get back on the Shitake Shocker prototype. The top brass hasn’t liked any of my ideas on it so far. I’ll send the SquickyLube over in a few via courier. Just give it to Scarlet. See if she’s interested. Tell her it pays like, I don’t know, a thousand-dollar consulting fee, okay?”

“Sure.” Did I just agree to hawk a SquickyLube on Elias’s behalf?

“One more thing. This is the second generation of the prototype. The first had a few, um, kinks.”

“Appropriate terminology.”

“Right. But this one should be fine.”

His less-than-certain tone made an alarm buzz in my mind. “What kind of kinks?”

“They’re worked out. Don’t worry about it. Thanks, man. Gotta go. But I’ll catch you later. Fuck you.”

“All right. Later.” We hung up, and I glanced at the time. Scarlet was supposed to arrive in an hour.

I finished up my thought on the body hair piece, then hopped into the shower. When I got out, I flipped through the take-out menus from my local spots and settled on Chinese. To cover all bases, I ordered way too much food and arranged for noon delivery. By the time I was dried off and dressed, the delivery guy was already knocking on the door.

Noon.

I set the food on my small kitchen counter and began unpacking it. Grabbing two plates, I laid out place settings and filled two glasses for us. Five minutes passed. I tapped my dancing Groot doll at the end of my eat-in bar. He started rocking out to the “Awesome Mix” as I stared at the door and willed Scarlet to knock.

Another painful minute passed. When I was about to open the fried rice and go to town, I heard a soft tap at the door. Adrenaline lit up every cell in my body. Just the expectation of her was enough to turn on all the lights inside my mind.

Swinging the door open, I found her just outside in a light pink dress with little ruffles along the shoulder straps and hem. She was a delectable piece of fruit that I wanted to bite into.

“You’re late.” I stepped back, and she walked in, her strappy heels clicking on my wood floors. Her familiar scent washed over me, and I couldn’t help but follow her toward the kitchen.

“Subway issues.” She plopped onto one of my high-top chairs and stared at the boxes of food. “I’m starving.”

“Allow me.” I walked around the bar and started opening boxes as she grabbed her silverware and sat poised to eat. Feeding her gave me a caveman satisfaction. “Let me know if you don’t want any of this,” I said as I forked some Mongolian beef onto her plate, then sesame chicken, fried rice, and a scoop of white rice.

She dug in, eschewing the chop sticks in favor of her fork. “God, this is so good.”

I added some of everything to my plate and slid next to her. “Glad you like it.” The food was still warm, and my favorite Chinese place didn’t disappoint. Every bite was delicious.

We ate in silence for a while, each of us getting our fill as the awkwardness between us built slowly, like layers of sediment at the bottom of a river. When she grabbed her napkin and wiped her mouth, she shot me a smile. “Sorry. When I’m hungry, I turn into the Hulk. Nothing can keep me from my food.”

“That’s okay.” I glanced at the mint Hulk action figure on a small shelf near my bedroom door.

She followed my gaze. “You and your toys.” She took another bite. “You’re setting up to be the 40-Year-Old Virgin.”

I laughed. “Not a chance. The horse is already out of the barn on that one.”

She nodded and stole a piece of chicken from my plate. “I figured.”

“Yeah?”

“The way you kiss.” She dropped her gaze to her plate. “It was…”

“Fireworks, magical, the best you’ve ever had?” I wiped my mouth and turned to her.

She laughed. “I was going to say experienced.”

“Same dif.” I washed down the last of my food and grabbed our plates, putting them in the sink for later.

She stood and closed the boxes, then stuffed them into my fridge. “So, what did you want to discuss with me?”

“Discuss?” I motioned toward the couch, and settled next to her as she sank into the well-worn leather.

“Did this come from a frat house?” She ran her hand over the cushions and eyed the scarred coffee table.

“No.” The coffee table did. “What makes you think that?”

She smiled, her red lips parting to show me her pretty white teeth. Had I ever thought teeth were pretty before? Definitely not.

“Oh, no reason.” She folded her hands in her lap. “So, what’s going on?”

“This Pauly thing—”

She rose from the couch, but I grabbed her hips and pulled her back down next to me.

“Hear me out.”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “You can’t just manhandle me.” A blush highlighted her cheeks.

“I’m sorry about that. What I was going to say was that I get that you want your privacy on that front. And it’s none of my business.”

“Thank you.” She relaxed.

“But—”

“There shouldn’t be a ‘but.’” She narrowed her eyes.

“There is. It’s your business, but if you ever decide that you need help, I’m here. That’s all I wanted to say.” It wasn’t really. I wanted to force her to lay it all out for me, give me the details, and work together to come up with a solution. But I’d already learned that Scarlet didn’t work that way. She was hidden beneath too many layers for me to expect the truth without some sort of incentive or pressure. As it was, I wanted to give her the impression I was backing off…Even if I wasn’t. I couldn’t.

“That’s it?” She chewed on the edge of her bottom lip, in the spot I wanted to lick.

“On that subject, yes.”

“There’s another subject?” She crossed her legs at the knee, her skirt falling to her upper thigh.

My cock tried to bust into the conversation, so I rose and walked to my desk to grab some documents.

She perked up and stared at the paper. “What’s that?”

“A few tips I’ve typed up for you.”

“Tips?”

“Yeah.” I returned to my seat next to her, sitting a little too closely for business talk. Her red hair smelled like strawberries, and I knew she’d taste just as sweet.

Scarlet didn’t seem to mind my creeping and took the papers from my hand. Her eyes scanned the first page that was full of information on how to identify context clues and body language. “I know all this stuff. Reading people is my thing.”

“Flip to the next page.”

She did and continued skimming. “Okay, what’s this?”

“I came up with a few prompts that you might get asked when we’re at events, then added the correct responses. The ones Scarlet Rocket should give.”

“Is there one in here about a hypothetical haunted dick?”

I laughed and pointed to a bullet point near the bottom. “No, but that’s what this is for. If you get a question that is in that vein—”

She snorted, her cute little nose wrinkling. “Sorry, continue.”

The perv in me high-fived her. “Your phone will ring. It will be a call you must take, but you’ll say ‘I’ll only be a minute; it’s my pet-sitter’ or something like that. I’ll be on the other end and tell you the answer. Easy.”

She seemed to turn the idea over in her mind, then nodded. “Okay, that could work.”

“It will.” I flipped through the rest of the sheets. “These are just more generic questions and answers, as well as some quotes from blog entries on various topics.”

“Analyzing Anal, huh?” She arched a brow.

“It’s legit.”

“Anal or your writing?”

“Both.”

She smiled, amusement lighting her eyes and making my heart expand like the Grinch’s at Christmas. “Homework. That’s what you’ve given me here.” She folded the papers and stuffed them into her handbag.

“Yeah, but it’s the fun kind. At least I think it is.”

She leaned back into the cushion and waved her hand around the room. “I’ve never gotten a close look. You’ve got a nice place.”

“Thanks.” I relaxed next to her and ignored the itch in my elbow telling me to sling my arm around her shoulders like we were teens at a movie.

“I’m guessing blogging pays well, huh?”

“The ads do, yeah. I have a lot of specialty content that brings in—”

A stout knock at the door startled both of us.

“The hell?” I rose and went to the door.

A man wearing a “Courteous Courier” cap stood outside holding a small brown box.

“Oh.” I’d forgotten all about Elias sending the SquickyLube over. This wouldn’t be awkward or anything.

“Who is it?” Scarlet called.

“Delivery.” I’d just take the box and not mention it to her. Easy.

I opened the door for the guy who looked barely old enough to drive. “Hey, man.”

“Just sign here.” He passed me an iPad and gave me a wide grin, then tapped the box. “When I picked this up, the guy showed me the prototype version. The built-in lube and the vibration…”

Oh fuuuuuuck. I glanced back at a wide-eyed Scarlet.

The courier seemed to take my silence as agreement. “Damn, son. That’s choice! All in one, you don’t even need to get extra lube. It’ll slide right up your a—”

I shoved the tablet back to him and snatched the box before slamming the door in his face.

Scarlet still sat on the couch, but she shook with laughter as she stared at the box clutched in my hands.