Broken and Screwed

“Eric Nathan?”

“Yeah.” He frowned. “You going to be manned-up the next time I come to town?”

I shrugged. At this point, I had no idea.

He continued to frown as he stared at me.

“What?”

His eyes narrowed further. “Are there any other guys I don’t know about?”

I shrugged again. “I don’t think anyone else likes me, if that’s what you’re asking.”

He grunted. Then he sat beside me on the bed. “They like you, Alex. I know a whole bunch of them like you. They more than like you.”

“Did you meet anyone at that movie premiere? I’m sure there are lots of gorgeous actresses and models at events like that.”

He gave me a rueful grin.

“What?”

Then he chuckled. He swung an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. His breath fanned my cheek as he continued to chuckle into my ear. “Are you jealous, Alex?”

I nudged him with my elbow. But I knew my cheeks were aflame.

He hugged me tight again before he pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Are you trying to see if I’m seeing anyone?”

I gestured to the bed. “We’re not exactly just friends, Jesse.”

“Yeah, I know.” His arm dropped from my shoulder and his tone sobered. Then he raked a hand over his head and sighed again. “Man, I know.”

I bit my lip. What did that reaction mean?

He turned on the bed so he was facing me squarely. One his legs trapped me closer and he cupped both sides of my face. “I won’t lie to you. I don’t know what we are, but we’re not exclusive. I can’t handle that. I’ve slept with two girls since I got to school.”

My heart stopped.

“But they were just hook-ups and they didn’t mean anything. It was empty sex; that was it. I don’t want a girlfriend. I can’t do that, and if that’s where you want this to go, we need to stop right now. I can’t lose you in my life and I won’t risk it because of that. Sex is one thing, but sex before our friendship is another thing.”

I couldn’t breathe.

His thumb started to rub back and forth. He choked out, “So what do you think?”

‘About what?’There wasn’t a choice given to me.

I couldn’t look away from him. I swore I wasn’t imagining the flare of pain that flashed in his eyes before it was gone. It was so quick, so fleeting; I could’ve mistaken it for something else. I continued to hold my breath. What do I do? The choice was in my hands. Keep it as it is or drop it. Then I gasped for breath. My heart pounded.

I whispered, “I can’t stop this.”

He let out a soft sigh.

“I should.” Pain flared in my chest. It tightened around my heart. “I think Eric would like to be my boyfriend. He won’t hurt me like you do. You always leave me, Jesse. You blow into my life and then you leave every time. We should stop this. We should stop it right now.”

A haunted look came to him.

My heart skipped a beat. He felt something for me. I knew it. I almost relished in it, but then I deflated once again. It didn’t matter. He said it himself. He didn’t want a girlfriend, and no matter what he felt for me, I knew he wouldn’t allow it. He wouldn’t let it grow into something more. And right then and there, I wasn’t able to walk away. One day I would. I knew I’d be strong enough to leave the shelter he gave me, but not that day, not at that minute.

I still needed him.

“What do you want, Alex?” It looked like that question cost him. He seemed in pain.

I shook my head. A tear slipped down my cheek. “I can’t.”

His forehead dropped to mine. He heaved a ragged breath in.

My hands lifted to his shoulders and I hung on. I was helpless at that moment as I confessed, “I can’t stop this, not yet.”

Then his lips caught mine. I surged against him as I wrapped my arms around him. I pulled him close, he held me tighter. And like all the other times, time ceased for us. It was only the two of us and the frenzied need we felt for the other.

Later that night as I got ready for bed, my phone beeped a few times. One was from Angie. She wanted to know how I was and if I had heard from Marissa. The next was from Eric. He hoped I had a good weekend and the third was from Jesse. He hoped my mother was okay and he would come back for Christmas break. My phone beeped a fourth time. It was from him again and it read, ‘Don’t have a boyfriend when I come back.’

I thumbed a quick response to Angie. I hadn’t heard from Marissa. I didn’t tell her about what happened with Cord. That was for Marissa to tell her. My next response was to Eric. I replied that the weekend went fast and I hoped he had a good one as well. Then my last response was to Jesse. It read, ‘Okay.’

That it was, nothing more. I didn’t feel he needed more than that.

Angie and Eric both responded a few times before I crawled into bed. And then, as I turned the light off and settled underneath my comforter, my phone buzzed one last time. It was from Jesse. ‘Good.’

In some ways my world was crumbling around me, but that night I went to bed with a smile. I couldn’t stop my smile, and I had a strong sense that Ethan was smiling as well, wherever he was.

My mother had been in the hospital for two weeks. I visited her once, but her eyes had been vacant the whole time. One of the nurses advised against any more returns from me. Apparently, her blood pressure and heart rate had skyrocketed when I was there. It was calm when my father was there, and according to the emptiness of the house and how the nurses had commented, he was there every day. A small cot was next to her bed with a blanket and pillow on top of it. When I’d gone into her bathroom, my dad’s utility bag was on a shelf inside.