Broken and Screwed

“I don’t know.”

“Come on, Alex. You do too know.”

“No, I don’t. The night we did it, the first night was hard. Ethan had just died and it was his funeral that night.”

“I always wondered where you went that night, but I stopped wondering.” Angie sounded far away. Her voice was so soft. “That was the beginning when you never seemed with us, you know.”

“I know.” And I did, because a part of me had died with Ethan. I had ceased feeling grounded, except with Jesse. He grounded me, he anchored me. “So that was the first night, and honestly, it wasn’t something I planned. He was hurting. I was hurting. We stayed the night together and everything went away, just for the night. The next morning was a whole other thing to deal with, though.”

“So you lost your virginity to him?”

“I did.” And I didn’t regret it. I loved Jesse. He might not love me, but I loved him and I needed to be with him. Even though it wasn’t permanent and had lasted longer than I had thought it would, I would never regret giving myself to him.

“Are you happy that you did that? I mean, he’s not boyfriend material, Alex, but you’re still with him. The two of you have some weird relationship together. It’s not healthy.”

“It’s not.” But I wouldn’t want it any other way.

“What about someone like Eric?”

I held my breath. My heart picked up its pace as I waited for her to continue.

She lifted my face and started to wipe underneath my jaw. She cleaned it all up. “You know he’d date you. He’s a good guy. He’d treat you right, be patient with you. He would go the extra mile for you and I think you know that. Jesse wouldn’t do that for you.”

But he already had, in some ways.

I sighed and looked down. What was I doing? Why was I such a mess inside?

She moved away and washed her hands under the faucet, but leaned against the sink when she was done. I looked up now. The somberness in her eyes nearly brought me to tears. Oh god. What was I doing to make a friend like Angie worry so much for me?

I whispered, “What do you want me to do?”

“Stop it.”

A tear slipped out. Then I nodded.

She added, firmer, “Stop it right now.”

“One more night,” I gasped out. I needed one more night.

“No.” She stood in front of me and grasped my arms. The severity in her took my breath away. It meant so much to her. “No more ‘one more nights’. You’ll keep wanting that. You’ll keep saying that. Stop it right now. We’ll fly home tonight. We’ll leave tonight. Just stop it with him. I just got you back. The old you is coming back. I can see it and I do not want him to take it away. He can’t take you away again. I won’t let him.”

I closed my eyes as I heard her words. Pain whirled around in me. I felt ripped open from the inside out. My heart was wrenched out and squeezed so it would stop beating. But she was right and I knew it. I had already started down that path. I told myself to walk away, but I wanted one more night. I needed it so much, but she was right.

It had to end.

I nodded. The relief that came from her almost brought me to my knees. Angie swept me into a tight hug and kissed my forehead. She continued to hold me against her and brushed my hair away from my forehead. It was a motherly gesture, a realization that had new tears come to me, but I held them back.

When we walked outside, Jesse and Justin were waiting in the darkened hallway. A fierce emotion was in his depths, but he wouldn’t let me see it. As I stepped closer, he turned away. I sighed and my hand fell back to my side.

He had heard.

“We’re going home,” Angie murmured to Justin in a hushed voice. He pulled her in for a hug and pressed a kiss to her forehead, the same way she had to me.

“Jesse.” My voice cracked.

He shook his head, but then whirled back around. His lips were on mine and he kissed me like he was drowning. I raked my hands through his hair and surged to meet him. When he would normally pull away, he didn’t. He kept kissing me. His lips were trying to cement his memory on me. I let them. I needed to remember, because I loved him. I didn’t know if I would love another like I did Jesse. But then he pulled away and rested his forehead against mine.

I clung to his shoulders, weak and helpless. Everything hurt. It was painful to breathe.

He brushed a hand against my cheek and tucked some hair behind my ear before he whispered, “It’s Ethan’s birthday, but I understand.”

He pulled away. He pressed one last kiss to my forehead and then turned and went back into the club.

A part of me went with him.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

When we got back, Angie stayed with me. It was hard, it was really hard. Jesse and I were done. I knew it was true this time and the pain crippled me every day, but I heard Angie’s voice in my head. Every morning, she said to get up. ‘You get up every morning. You shower every morning. And you go through the motions. You do what you’re supposed to and someday it won’t hurt as bad.’ I had looked up at her and asked, ‘Do you promise?’

‘I promise. It’s better this way. I promise, Alex. I do. You just have to get up every morning.’

So that’s what I did.

At first I didn’t notice much. School seemed the same. Angie would tell me later that everyone knew about our fight with Marissa. She became best friends with Sarah Shastaine. When I heard that, I was dumbfounded. I thought that I would’ve noticed if Marissa had become best friends with Jesse’s ex-girlfriend, but I hadn’t. I’d been clueless. Angie told me that I walked through the hallways like a zombie. I was the living dead. And she also told me that Eric apologized to me about something in the first week. She didn’t know what he apologized about, but I had told her that he said he was sorry for something.