AFTER EVERYTHING I’D been through with Hayes, I never imagined I’d desire another man’s touch, let alone trust any man enough to experience a sexual relationship again. But that was exactly what I wanted with Ethan—and I wanted far more than we’d done so far.
In my group therapy sessions, I had discovered that some of the women had completely lost all sexual desire due to the ways in which they’d been abused. Just the thought of experiencing something of that sort again took them straight back to the worst moments in their lives, and they fell into a downward spiral once again. They thought it was safer and better for their mental and emotional stability to be alone.
Others had seemingly gone the opposite direction, becoming addicted to sex, sometimes in almost perverse manners. Nothing they did was enough, and all of it left them feeling worse than ever before. There seemed no way for them to climb out of the pit, no way for them to move forward in a relationship that was built on trust and mutual respect, and certainly not love.
There didn’t seem to be many who fell in the middle, and almost none of them had what could be considered a normal, healthy sex life. Maybe they wanted one, but they couldn’t quite manage it. Only a small handful ever successfully got into monogamous relationships with decent partners, and fewer still maintained those relationships for very long.
I was determined to become one of the exceptions to the rule. I wasn’t going to allow Hayes and his abuse to continue controlling me long after I’d gotten away.
I couldn’t.
Besides, I had to remember that the other people in therapy with me were only recently removed from their situations.
The therapists always said that time was one of the most important factors in successfully moving on, right? And most of these men and women hadn’t been free for much longer than I had. Maybe they just hadn’t taken enough time before jumping back into the pool.
But had I?
I wasn’t sure, but at the same time, I couldn’t bear the thought of waiting any longer to build on what Ethan and I had started. I needed to prove to myself that I deserved a man in my life as good and strong and decent as Ethan.
He served as proof to me that someone could suffer incomprehensible abuse and still come out on the other side to live a good life. And there were more examples of the same everywhere I looked.
Dana Zellinger had been raped in college, but she’d been happily married to her brother’s best friend for something close to a decade now.
Viktoriya Chambers had been through countless forms of sexual abuse in her porn industry days, but she and Razor seemed to be getting along together just fine.
Everywhere I looked, I had strong women surrounding me who’d been through hell and back, and they were all the better for the crap they’d been put through. I had to believe that I could come out on the other side of this just as well as they had, because the opposite was too awful to contemplate.
And Ethan was my other side. He was my way out, both literally and figuratively.
I slept more soundly in his arms that night than I could remember doing, outside of my days in the hospital when I was so heavily drugged that all I could do was sleep. I slept the sleep of being at peace with my decisions and my future for the first time in far too long. For once, I actually rested.
When I awoke the next morning, though, it was to find Ethan staring at me, his forehead creased with all sorts of concerns that I didn’t want to explore. I’d much rather remain in my afterglow bubble, pretending that real life couldn’t intrude on this moment of perfect tranquility.
But Ethan wouldn’t let me stay there. “If Hayes tries to say that we made it all up in order to justify your leaving him for me…”
“I don’t want to think about Hayes right now,” I complained, the afterglow fizzling down to nothing like a soda going flat.
“I don’t want to, either. But we have to. Because you know he’s thinking about us. About revenge. About whatever the hell he thinks will get him off.”
“There hasn’t been anything else since your father coming down to talk to them, has there? Nothing new? Everything’s quiet on that front.”
“We can’t fall for the trap of thinking no news is good news,” Ethan said, and he pushed himself up to a sitting position in the bed. “Especially not—”
But he left that thought hanging.
“Especially not what?” I prodded.
“Especially not now that everything my father came down and told them might as well be true.”
“You didn’t hit Hayes because we had a relationship. We didn’t have anything. Nothing. You didn’t know me or anything about me. All you knew was what you saw. There wasn’t anything more than that until now.”
“But he’s going to spin it that way. Or his lawyer will. You know they will.”
I shook my head, forcing myself to sit up, as well. “Whatever’s happening between the two of us has nothing to do with what Hayes did.”
“The truth isn’t going to hold much weight. There’s no way we can prove it, anyway.”
“But there has to be. Surely any jury with sense will have to see—”
“They’ll see whatever the lawyers want them to see, Natalie. It’s not supposed to be that way, but you know it is. That’s how all of these cases work, especially when the defendant is famous. Almost every athlete in the last decade who’s been accused of something like this has gotten away with it.”
“So you’re saying that I can’t possibly win a case against him just because he’s an athlete? Whether he’s guilty or not?”
“I’m saying that the deck is stacked against us. How many guys like him can you think of who end up getting convicted of things like this? And even the guys who get convicted usually get off easy.”
My eyes stung, but I refused to cry. I’d already shed more than enough tears over Hayes to last a lifetime. He didn’t deserve any more of them.
Ethan reached for me, as if to draw me into an embrace, but I shifted away from him. If he wrapped me up in his arms now, I’d probably give in and cry, despite my best efforts.
“So do you want me to leave, then?” I asked meekly. “Is that what you’re saying? You want me to find someone else to stay with?”
“I didn’t say that. I don’t want that.” Ethan sounded defeated.
“Then what are you saying?”
“I’m saying maybe we shouldn’t get involved like this. At least not right now. The timing is shit. That’s all I’m saying.”
“Is that what you want?” I shot my eyes up to meet his. They looked pained.
“No,” he croaked, “it’s not what I want. Not at all.”
“Timing isn’t everything. Sometimes the best things happen at the worst possible moment.”
“And sometimes the worst things happen at the best moment.”
“I don’t think this could possibly fall into the worst things category,” I said. “Not when we think about all of the other things we’ve been through. Both of us.”
“It won’t be very good if it ends with Hayes getting off.”
“He might get off anyway,” I pointed out.
“Not if I can help it.”
“So is that more important to you?” I asked cautiously. “Making sure he pays for what he’s done? That’s more important than whatever we could have? Than what we might build together?”
For a long moment, Ethan wouldn’t meet my eyes. He stared down at Snoopy and picked at a piece of lint on the bedding, anything to avoid looking at me. But when he finally looked up, he said, “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know, and that’s what’s killing me right now.”
I nodded as if I understood, but I couldn’t quite wrap my brain around it. Yes, Hayes had done awful things—to me—but I didn’t want to give him the power to continue controlling me for the rest of my life. I wanted to take that power back, to reclaim it for myself. And in so many ways, it seemed that Ethan had done exactly that when it came to his father.
But not with this. In this one circumstance, it appeared that his father, and Hayes by extension, were still controlling Ethan’s decisions, his life.
Maybe my hope of ever moving on in my life was all for naught.
Maybe I’d never be free, and what I saw in the other WAGs was nothing more than an illusion.
Maybe they weren’t free, either.
Maybe Ethan was only putting on a show for the world, trying to pretend that he had moved on with his life, dealt with his demons, and was a well-adjusted, decent human being.
Maybe none of it was real. Maybe it was just a dream I was clinging to because I didn’t have anything else to hold on to.
Cautious of my leg, I shifted until I could slip out of the bed.
“Wait.” He reached out a hand to stop me, but I shrugged him off and headed for the door. “Natalie, please,” Ethan said.
“I need to go,” I said, barely holding back a sob.
“Where?”
“I don’t know.” All I knew was I couldn’t stay where I was any longer.