It was easy enough for Wesley to hang back in the classroom and wait for everybody else to leave before he made for the stairs that would take him into the bowels of the building. The door to the drama rehearsal room was ajar, and no sound came from inside. Wesley hesitated, unable to shake the feeling that he was an intruder about to stumble onto some secret world where he didn’t belong, and then pushed the door open.
It was little more than a cellar, windowless and painted black, a rack of mostly burnt-out lights screwed into the ceiling. A half-moon of plastic chairs faced the door, occupied by three kids spaced apart from each other as if they were strangers. They watched him wide-eyed as if this was some kind of raid.
‘Hey,’ said Wesley. ‘Is this the, uh, Lonely People?’
He felt so stupid using that name – it was like calling a group the Lone Wolves. Still, it seemed to make them all relax a little.
‘That’s us,’ said a frizzy-haired younger girl Wesley didn’t know.
Two seats to her right was a Korean boy he recognised from the year below, wearing a black beanie hat with his school uniform, rashes of spots across his cheeks. To her left was a smaller boy, maybe year seven or eight, wearing an oversized blazer, milk-white skin now flushing red as he scowled at the floor.
Wesley wondered if he should have stayed outside, tried to catch Kat before she made it into the room. Too late now. ‘I saw an email about your meeting . . .’
‘A new member,’ said the smaller boy. ‘Nice of Safa to let us know.’
‘Who’s Safa?’ Wesley said to the girl.
She narrowed her eyes at that. ‘I’m Aoife.’
The boy in the hat introduced himself as Jae, while the other refused to even look at him.
‘He’s Robbie,’ said Aoife, earning herself a scowl. ‘Safa’s sort of our leader, I guess.’
‘Leader in what?’
Robbie glared at him like it was a stupid question. ‘In trying to achieve the fade.’ Then he turned to the others. ‘We should get started.’
‘Do we have to, if Safa’s not here?’ said Jae.
Aoife glanced self-consciously at Wesley. ‘And with him here.’
‘If Safa has succeeded it shows we’re doing something right!’ Robbie waved them to their feet, and then flashed challenging eyes at Wesley. ‘You’re here to learn, aren’t you?
Wesley nodded, while making sure nothing was blocking his way to the door if they tried anything weird.
‘Stay there and watch.’
They each moved into a separate corner of the room and pressed their faces to the wall, let their arms hang limp at their sides. ‘Repeat after me,’ said Robbie, voice shaking. Undoubtedly he was taking up the absent Safa’s usual role. ‘We do not belong.’
From their separate corners, the others echoed, ‘We do not belong.’
‘We are not safe as we are.’
Robbie was growing in confidence now, his voice bounding around the room. ‘We will walk in somebody else’s skin.’
‘We will walk in somebody else’s skin.’
‘We must escape ourselves.’
‘We must escape.’
They chanted this line together three times over. Wesley had to fight his own urge to escape. They had crossed the line from weirdness into cult-like fervour.
Robbie’s voice reached a crescendo. ‘We are nothing!’
‘WE ARE NOTHING.’
There was a long silence, the atmosphere in the room growing thick, before they each turned away from the wall and took a breath.
‘Very good,’ said Aoife, smiling shyly. ‘Now we can have some snacks.’
Kat had arrived in time to see the end of the ritual, and if Safa hadn’t been blocking the doorway she probably would have turned straight around and left.
‘The prayer was my idea,’ said Safa. ‘I thought it might get them in the right mindset.’
‘The mindset of deranged cultists?’
‘Would cultists put on such a marvellous spread?’
The members of the Lonely People pulled half-packets of biscuits and flattened bags of crisps from their pockets. Jae even contributed some cold chicken nuggets.
‘They’ve been in my bag all day but they’re probably fine,’ he said.
Occupying a seat at the centre of the feast was Wesley, and it had to be more than the prospect of food poisoning that made him so pale.
‘What’s he doing here?’ said Kat.
Safa shrugged. ‘I didn’t invite him.’
Yesterday, when he had come looking for her in the toilets, he had taken her laptop. He could only know about this meeting if he had read her email. When the whole school – when everybody – had forgotten her existence, he was suddenly interested when he had never been before. Something wasn’t right, and it was more than the invasion of her privacy.
‘I thought if anybody might be able to see us it would be these guys,’ said Safa, waving her arms in front of the group as they tucked in to the snacks. ‘But I guess not.’
‘They don’t seem to miss you.’
‘Yeah, I taught them well.’ Safa pinched a Bourbon biscuit and shoved the whole thing into her mouth, spraying crumbs when she spoke again. ‘In hindsight it’s a bit counter-intuitive to run a support group to help people disappear.’
Kat moved to stand right in front of them, but the group just kept eating and talking about nothing in particular. Watching Wesley closely, she could see him growing tense with frustration, hands curling into fists pressed on top of his bouncing knees.
Safa began jumping up and down on the spot. ‘If I could just show them it’s actually possible, it might be the push they need. Then we could have a whole crew of faders.’
‘Do you think Safa has actually done it?’ said Aoife, lowering her voice as if spilling the latest scandalous gossip.
‘MY DUDES, I HAVE DEFINITELY ACTUALLY DONE IT.’
‘She was always the most serious about it,’ said Jae.
Robbie scowled at him. ‘I’m serious about it.’
‘You know what I mean though.’
‘At least they haven’t forgotten me yet.’ Safa gave up her jumping and grinned at Kat. ‘I’m a role model to these kids, like an athlete, or a YouTuber.’
‘What has she done?’ said Wesley, finally losing patience. ‘You said you want to achieve the fade – what does that mean?’
They all looked to each other before fixing their eyes on him. It was Aoife who spoke. ‘Do you remember Aaron Musley?’
Wesley shook his head.
Reluctantly, as if she was revealing a government secret, Aoife said, ‘He was in the year above you, tall with . . . short hair, I think? Even we have to make a real effort to remember him sometimes.’
There had never been anybody in the year above called Aaron, she was sure of it. Kat may not have been friends with anybody at school, but she paid enough attention to know most people from a distance. The look on his face suggested Wesley was drawing a similar blank.
‘Aaron used to be one of us, sort of our leader for a while,’ said Aoife. ‘He believed in the fade so much, but he couldn’t make it happen. Until one day he just stopped showing up to school, and he never came to a meeting again.’
‘So he might have just run away?’ said Wesley.
Dread was walking its fingers across Kat’s chest, like she was listening to a horror story over a campfire. Aoife seemed exhausted by what she’d said, and Robbie was busy blowing up an empty crisp packet with his mouth, so Jae took over.
‘He was never declared missing, no police looking for him or anything. Almost nobody at school remembers him unless we really work hard to jog their memory, and even then they don’t think there’s anything strange about it. He’s just gone, and everybody accepts it. We even went to his house once, just to see . . .’
Wesley was leaning forward in his chair. ‘And?’
Smashing it between his hands, Robbie burst the crisp packet, making all of them jump. ‘His family didn’t care. We saw them just going about their day like Aaron never existed.’
Kat kept her eyes fixed on Wesley’s face. Any normal person would refuse to believe them, call them freaks and storm off. Instead she saw his jaw squeeze, the colour drain from his skin. He believed every word of it was true.
Somehow, he was tied up in everything that had happened. She just needed to work out how.
It was his fault.
Wesley really had seen through her after she’d deleted her website and rushed from the room. He hadn’t seen her since, despite finding her bag on the toilet floor. A shiver went down his spine; had she been there the whole time? It wasn’t possible – it couldn’t be.
‘Why do you remember Aaron if nobody else does?’
‘We think it’s because we knew what he was trying to do. We were too involved to forget him completely,’ said Aoife. ‘But we don’t remember him as well as we should. He’s slipping away from us too.’
‘And how long does it take to fade completely?’
Aoife looked to the others for support. ‘We don’t know for sure. Maybe around a week? Anyway, it’s not like he’s completely gone.’
‘You just said—’
‘You think we’d all be here if it was as simple as disappearing?’ said Robbie. ‘If that was the case we could just kill ourselves.’
Aoife put a hand on his leg to calm him down, but Robbie pushed it away
‘Before the end of the fade, it allows you to hitch a ride on somebody else’s life,’ she said. ‘Just before you disappear completely you can sort of transfer yourself to another person and become a part of them.’
‘You mean take over their body?’
Aoife shook her head, struggling for the right words. ‘What would be the point of just being yourself in another body? No, the host would still be in control. We don’t even know if they’d be aware you’re inside. We call them a Cradle, and you’re hidden inside them like a passenger. It means you can experience everything they do – every emotion, every life moment – almost as if you were them. But you wouldn’t be responsible for making any of it happen.’
Wesley’s mind seemed to reject the idea outright, a headache flaring up almost instantly. It was wrong. Nobody could escape who they were, nobody could be forgotten just like that. He hadn’t forgotten Kat, and he promised he wouldn’t.
Maybe that would give him the power to bring her back.
‘This can’t be real,’ said Kat, turning away from the group and pressing her fingers into her temples. If they had punctured her skin and sunk through her skull she wouldn’t have been surprised.
‘Twenty-four hours ago you would have thought this whole thing was a Backwash plotline,’ said Safa. ‘Imagine not having to be yourself any more. I haven’t been trying to make this happen for so long just so I can disappear – I want a second chance. I want to be somebody who fits.’
‘But becoming somebody else? That’s . . .’ Kat didn’t know what it was, only that it frightened her to her core. Not just because the idea was so alien. No . . . some part of her yearned for it to be true. ‘You can’t just give up on yourself.’
‘Why not? Imagine the pleasure of experiencing everything like somebody who actually knows how to get along in the world. A normal person.’
‘Why can’t you?’
Safa tilted her head disparagingly. ‘Come on. Tell me you haven’t tried that already.’
She had, and for a while she’d thought she had found a way to belong. The last month – even the last few days – had shown her otherwise.
‘Even if you inhabit another person, it’s not like they’ll be happy all the time.’
‘Obviously I’ve chosen carefully—’
‘You’ve already picked somebody?’
Safa waved her away. ‘Even when they’re not happy, none of it will be your fault. You still get to feel it all, but you won’t hate yourself for it.’ Her lip curled into a cynical smile. ‘Don’t think of it like dying – it’s more like finding a way to live.’
The dark walls of the room seemed to be closing in on Kat, edging tighter every time she blinked. It would be so much easier to become somebody else already adept at living. To shrug off the loneliness and doubt and assume a ready-made identity already accepted by the world. But it would also be acceptance that she herself was broken beyond repair.
‘You’ve been trying to fade for so long,’ said Kat, turning on Safa. ‘What happened to you to finally trigger it?’
Safa’s hand went to the locket at her neck. ‘What do you mean?’
‘My final straw was deleting my website,’ said Kat, stepping closer. ‘So what broke your camel’s back?’
Safa turned away, but before Kat could keep pressing there was a noise from the group behind them. Wesley had stood up sharply, tipping his chair over with a clatter.
‘What’s so bad about all of your lives?’ Wesley shouted. ‘Why do you want to leave them behind so badly?’
His hands were shaking, and the ferocity of his anger shocked even him. He looked at each of them in turn, daring them to respond.
It was Robbie who spoke. ‘We don’t owe you answers. You have no right to any part of us.’
Anger burning hotter, Wesley strode to the door and threw it open so that it slammed into the wall. Then he turned, clenching his trembling hands into fists.
‘If you knew what my life has been like . . . you don’t see me looking for an easy way out.’
Robbie stood sharply, and despite his size he looked ready to tear somebody apart. ‘You know your biggest problem? You don’t know how to care about other people. Why don’t you stop feeling sorry for yourself and think about what somebody else might be feeling?’
The rest of the group watched him solemnly. The room felt full of eyes, silently observing and judging. All at once his anger collapsed.
‘They can’t have forgotten him,’ he said. ‘They can’t.’
Aoife stood and approached him slowly, like he was a wild animal to be calmed. ‘Take my number, in case you have more questions or anything.’
Her kindness seemed to scald him, but he handed over his phone and let her enter her number before he fled the room without another word.
The group packed away their snacks and stacked the chairs into a leaning tower. Safa nabbed a quarter-packet of biscuits – as if anybody could stop her. Kat turned to the door, wanting to go after Wesley.
‘Watch this,’ said Safa, turning her attention back to the room.
The floor cleared, the three remaining members of the Lonely People gathered in a tight circle and dropped to their knees.
‘Closing ceremony. My idea,’ said Safa.
‘Make us lonely,’ the group said together, bowing their heads to a central point in the carpet. ‘Make us lonely so we can be loved.’ They repeated the words again and again, heads almost touching, like a prayer.
Kat struggled to find her voice. ‘What do they mean?’
‘For some people, love means butterflies in the stomach and magic carpet rides,’ said Safa. ‘For people like us, it means not being isolated from the world. It means loving yourself enough to be glad you exist.’
Make us lonely so we can be loved.
It made Kat hurt in a way she could not name. She ran from the room and up the stairs, gasping in the cool evening air as she made it outside. It felt like she had escaped something dangerous, like she might not have made it out of that room whole if she’d stayed a moment longer.
Was she still whole? Maybe things were worse than she had ever realised.
‘Hey!’ Safa emerged from the building behind her, chewing a biscuit as she ran. ‘Meet me tomorrow night?’
‘Are we going to sacrifice a goat?’
‘You’re a funny guy,’ said Safa, pretending to pinch her cheek before her expression turned serious. ‘You don’t want to be alone in this, do you?’
Through a mouthful of biscuit it almost sounded casual, but Kat caught the longing there, the same fear she recognised in herself. So she nodded.
Safa smiled. ‘I’ve pinned my number to your blazer.’
Kat looked down to find a scrap of paper hanging from a buttonhole. ‘How do you keep doing that?’
‘My secret life as a street urchin. I’m going to head back inside and mess with them a little before they leave. Call me, my dude.’
As Kat approached the school gate, she saw Wesley. He had been cornered by Luke and Justin, the two guys she thought had to be responsible for the campaign against her. What was he doing with them? She crept closer, even though she knew creeping was unnecessary.
‘I had detention,’ Wesley was saying, apparently explaining why he was leaving school so late.
‘You need to get better at not being caught,’ said Luke. ‘Learn a thing or two from Mr NoFap here.’
Justin punched his arm. ‘Shut up!’
‘He keeps getting excited during lessons, but to be fair he’s good at hiding it under the table.’
‘It’s just while my body adjusts,’ mumbled Justin.
Kat grimaced at the mental image. She watched Wesley shift uncomfortably on his feet.
‘Anyway, we told Tru you’re interested,’ said Luke, grabbing Wesley’s shoulder and squeezing tighter than seemed necessary. ‘We’ll send you an email later. Are you around tonight to chat?’
A range of expressions tried to settle on Wesley’s face at the same time, leaving him hovering somewhere between happy and nauseous. ‘Yeah,’ he said weakly.
‘Come on, you can do better than that,’ said Luke, still gripping his shoulder. ‘You know Tinker? He’s been planning a way to shut her up for a while.’
That seemed to be as much as they were willing to say now, but it was enough to let Kat know she had stumbled onto something important. If they were going after Tinker, there was no way she could just ignore it.
Kat looked again at Wesley, squirming in the other boy’s grip. Had he been a part of the campaign against her? They hardly knew each other, might never even have spoken. She had given him no reason to come after her so fiercely.
‘Sorry, yeah, it’s cool,’ said Wesley. ‘I’ll look out for the email.’
They let him go, laughing, children playing at being bad guys. Kat watched them go their separate ways, and knew with a startling certainty that she had to stop whatever they were up to.