Chapter 34

Ryan

The hum of chatter didn’t resume for a good minute after Chanel left the cafeteria. I hovered on the brink of charging after her, but my insides had turned to iron and my legs were just as heavy.

“Commander Scott,” I muttered. He was the man who first inspired me to join the navy. Holy fuck. The man who got me into the damn Navy in the first place was Chanel’s father.

I’d heard tales about the legend. About his sacrifice and duty. I couldn’t wrap my head around this. Not only had I fallen for a woman who was intelligent, beautiful and strong, but she had a military background, as well.

“ – right, Baker?”

I blinked and turned to Jameson. “What was that?”

“I asked if you were okay,” she lowered her voice.

The hum of talk and clink of knives and forks had returned, at least. Thankfully, Commander Shepherd would leave before he caught wind of this. Not that it would make a difference. Chanel’s admission didn’t implicate me in anything illegal.

I was allowed to be in love with a woman, even if she was an independent contractor for the base. After all, it wasn’t some weird form of nepotism that had gotten her the job, rather, it was her talents.

“Baker. Are you with me?” Jameson elbowed me out of my fugue.

“Yeah, I’m with you, sorry.” I looked at her again, finally seeing her for the first time since Chanel had left the mess hall. “Jameson, what is it?”

“Man, this is not really any of my business, but you need to go after that girl.”

“What?”

“Go after her and do what you have to do,” she said. “How long have you been doing this, Baker? What are you going to do one day when it’s time to retire and all you’ve got is a uniform and nothing else?”

I didn’t know what to say to that.

“You admired Commander Scott, right?” Jameson asked, her voice low and urgent. “We all did. And he had a wife and family as well as a career. Why can’t you?”

I opened my mouth to argue but nothing came out. She was right. Of course, she was right. Why couldn’t I have everything? I’d held back for so long, I’d forced myself into duty to make up for what happened in the past and where had it gotten me? Here. Demoted because I couldn’t keep focus.

Bottling everything up hadn’t worked. Loving Chanel had opened me to emotion again and now, I’d be hard pressed to shut off that part of my life.

“Baker, I’m not your buddy, I’m your colleague, but I’ve got to step in here and tell you to get your head out of your ass before you lose a woman who truly loves you,” Jameson said. “You dig?”

I nodded once, twice, then scraped my chair back.

The room quieted again. A couple people cleared their throats, but they all stared me down.

“Any of you got something to say to, Baker?” Jameson asked, loudly, and glared around at the men and women in uniform.

One of the men in the back nodded. “Yeah,” he said, and gave me a thumbs up. “Go get her.” A smattering of applause broke out at that, and I tried not to show my surprise.

Damn, if anything I’d expected hisses. Whitmore had made out like the soldiers on this base hated me. I nodded to the man who’d spoken, then marched for the exit, buoyed up by their encouragement.

I hit the empty hall and anxiety clouded in. What if it was too late? What if I reached Chanel and she was fed up with my inability to act when it was crucial? I might’ve missed out on the opportunity to be with the woman I loved because of my own hardheadedness.

And because I’d doubted her. I should never have insinuated that she wasn’t strong enough to handle a life with a partner in the military. That had to have pissed her off.

I walked the empty halls and searched for her, just in case she’d taken a detour. Nothing, empty. She had to be in her room or her office. I headed for her room first.

At last, I was in front of her door, fighting the nerves that tangled with my emotions. I raised a fist and knocked three times. Short raps. Come on. Be in there.

“Who is it?” Chanel’s voice shook.

“It’s me,” I said. “Ryan.”

A beat passed, then the doorknob turned, and there she was. Flawless as she’d been in the mess hall, except her cheeks were streaked with tears, mascara smudged beneath her eyes.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to come.”

“It’s fine,” she said, “I expected that this would happen.”

“What?”

“That you’d come here to reprimand me for making a fool of you in front of the other officers. I shouldn’t have done that, but, you know what? No. I should have done that. I wanted to get it off my chest and I did.”

“Chanel –”

“I know what you’re going to say, Ryan. That it can’t be, that you don’t want to jeopardize my life and your duty and blah, blah, blah, but I’m glad I spoke out. My father would be proud.” She was fiery.

I stepped over the threshold and she backed up a couple steps, giving way only enough to allow me into the room and no more.

“I won’t take any of it back, and I won’t back down again.”

“Chanel –”

“I don’t want to hear it. If you’re here to let me down gently, save your damn breath. I’ve already heard it all from you.”

“Would you just let me –?”

“And if you think that I’m going to let you –”

I grasped the back of her head, pulled her into my arms, and planted a kiss on her lips. It was the only way I could get her to shut up long enough to hear what I had to say.

She melted beneath me, stiffened first, then melted into our kiss. She smelled sweet, like she’d just come out of the shower, and she tasted clear as crisp water.

The kiss warmed me from the inside out. And for the first time since we’d gotten together in that hotel room, I let myself enjoy it fully without even a hint of guilt. I stroked her hair, rolled my hands down her back and circled her waist.

Finally, we broke apart.

“W-what was that?” She asked, and touched two fingers to her lips, red from the pressure.

“A kiss,” I said. “I thought you’d know that by now. Didn’t I do it right? I could try again, maybe slip you a little tongue this time.”

She snorted a laugh. It was so damn good to hear her laugh again. “No, Ryan, I mean why? I thought – you didn’t want to get involved.”

“You didn’t let me say a word before you went on that rampage,” I replied. Oh fuck, this was it. “I didn’t say I don’t want to get involved, Chanel.”

“You – then – what do you want to do? I mean, I don’t know what you want. Like, I’ve tried to talk to you about it but I’m – uh?” She babbled on and it had to be the cutest thing I’d ever witnessed.

“I love you,” I said. “Let’s start with that. I said I was falling for you and that I regretted it, but I don’t. I regret saying that.”

“You regret regretting it?” Chanel asked, and raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” I said. “I should never have said that to you. I was a coward. I was afraid of loving you, but I’m not anymore.” Man, it was a buildup of everything. It’d taken her bravery, walking into a room full of soldiers and putting herself out there, for me to see that I had to rise to her level and stop being a little bitch.

“You’re not afraid,” she said. “To be in love? What does this mean?”

“It means that I want to be with you,” I replied. “It means that I’ll have to leave here tomorrow, but I want you to come to Hawaii with me when you’re done here.”

“Just like that?” she asked, and folded her arms across those perfect breasts. “Just like that you want me to follow you to Hawaii?”

“You want that, don’t you?” Shit, had I missed my shot with her after all? Had I officially fucked this up for good? “Don’t you?”

“I do,” she said.

I exhaled.

“But I still don’t believe that you’re serious about this. I – I’m sorry, I know this will sound mean, but you’ve given me plenty of reasons to believe that you’ll leave me behind for good. I – what if you change your mind again?”

Fuck, she was right. I had given her plenty of reasons to doubt me, to believe that I’d leave her for duty and career. That had to end. And I’d already figured the perfect way to prove my love to her.

I stepped up close again and took both her hands. “I would’ve been floating along without you, Chanel. I would’ve been nothing but a shell of the man I wanted to be. Hollow on the inside. You made me whole.”

She gulped, squeezed my hands. “You don’t have to say that.”

“I’m not just saying that.” I kissed her forehead, then focused on her again. “I love you with everything I have. You’ve changed me, even though I was too damn stubborn to admit it, even to myself. If I can’t have you, I don’t want to have anything at all.”

Tears welled in the corners of her eyes. One spilled onto her cheek and I leaned in and kissed it with my lips, tasting her salty release.

“I want to be the man that makes you happy,” I said. “And I want you to be able to trust that I’m not going to change my mind.”

“Okay,” she whispered.

“Chanel.” My heart thudded in my chest. I lowered myself to one knee in front of her. “Will you be my wife?”

She shuddered a gasp and swayed on the spot. “Are you serious?”

“Yes,” I said. “I know I don’t have a ring, right now, but once I’ve moved I’ll buy one, and the minute you’re in Hawaii I’ll put it on your finger. I can’t picture another minute without you in my life. The past two weeks have been Hell for me. I want nothing more than to be with you. To be your man. Will you marry me?”

“Yes,” she whimpered. “Yes, I will.” She dragged me up from the carpet and threw her arms around my neck, peppering my face with kisses. “Yes. Forever. Yes!”

Elation bubbled through me and dissolved the fear, chipping away at the already cracked wall inside my soul.

I lifted her in my arms and kissed her, another soul-searing embrace, then walked her over to the bed. “My fiancé,” I said.

“I love you,” she replied.

We fell onto the bed together, giggling, and her half-weeping from the joy of it all. Tomorrow I’d leave, but next month, next year, forever? Chanel and I would be one. And that was all that mattered to me.