“Tell me the truth, Blake. Not what you think I want to hear. Take everything off the table. If you had your choice right now, would you still be here with your son, or would you take off to be with her?”

A few weeks ago, my truthful answer would’ve been much different. Tonight, I know without a shadow of a doubt what my answer is. Walking around the neighborhood with Grace and Kyle, I had to face how selfish I’ve become over the years. I’ve been so consumed with myself, I didn’t even notice how much they’d suffered because of my focus on work and career and money, when all they wanted was a little more of my time and attention. Taking the time to put everything on the back burner—including my own ego—I realized something incredibly profound.

My need to feel important, worthy, and desired can only be satisfied by these two people. No outsider can fill that gaping hole inside of me. Not Tammy. Not my boss. Not being accepted by Grace’s parents.

I’ve realized something else in my time apart from Tammy. Without the thrill of forbidden love driving my decisions, I can look at my relationship with her more objectively and be honest with myself. For once.

It was never about her. It was never about falling in love with her or not being able to live without her. My relationship with Tammy was born from missing what Grace and I once had—and my stupidity in looking for that deep relationship elsewhere. The truth is, I don’t want Tammy. I was in love with the idea of her—how she wanted me, how she looked at me, how she needed me. Most of all, how all of that combined made me feel like less of a failure.

But I was a fool.

I wanted her to be Grace. I wanted Grace to feel that way toward me again, to not want to leave my side, to be in love with me.

“I’d be right here, building my relationship with Kyle. You were right to give me this ultimatum. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve spent so much time with him—just getting to know him again. We’re reconnecting, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.”

She stands and begins to walk away then stops. She turns her head and looks over her shoulder at me. “Thank you for being honest. I’ve had a long day, so I’m going up to bed now.”

My eyes stay glued to her when she walks away and climbs the stairs to the bedroom we used to share. The conversation with Tammy didn’t go quite as smoothly as I alluded, but I didn’t feel right about getting into the details because of the accusations Tammy made about Grace.

“She’s just doing this to control you, Blake, and you’re letting her. She only wants to keep us apart,” Tammy cried, pulling my heart and mind in different directions.

“You’re wrong about her.”

“No, I’m not. She wants you for herself. She’s trying to push me out of your life. I know women, Blake. This is her plan. Don’t let her do this to us.”

“I’ve told you—this will be over in a few months. It’s not that long to wait for me. I’m waiting for you.”

“You’re not sleeping with her, then?”

“No, I’m not.”

“I still don’t trust her. This will all backfire on you. Mark my words because when it happens, I’ll scream ‘I told you so’ from the rooftops.”

“This is the last time I’ll explain this to you, so you’d better listen up, Tammy. Grace is not manipulating me to get me to stay with her. This is all for our son, and Grace is right. She’s right to ask this of me. She’s right to demand it. She’s right to expect it. Our divorce will be hard enough on Kyle when the time comes, but he deserves to have a happy, carefree senior year until then. Once he’s out of the house, it won’t be such a culture shock for him. This is happening whether you like it or not. If you can’t live with this for eight more months, then I have to question if you love me at all.”

“I do love you, Blake. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t call anymore until you hear from me. I’m not going to screw this up.”

“All right,” she sniffed, defeated. “I still feel like you’re changing. Like this is the end of us.”

When I hung up, I leaned back in my chair and stared at my phone, wondering when the exact moment was that I stopped missing Tammy. I couldn’t tell Tammy I also felt like it was the end of our relationship. Not because I wanted to hold on to her, but because I don’t want her to show up here and cause a scene in front of Kyle. I’d lose all the respect he has for me now. That can’t happen, not with us finally rebuilding our relationship.

Her presence would only hurt Grace too, and I won’t allow that. After peering into small windows of the time when she and I were truly one, I know exactly what’s been missing from my life.

When did my selfish needs finally fall below the happiness of my family? And why did it take so damn long? When did saving my family become so important to me?

I finally realize the obvious truth. When I put my focus, my attention, and my energy into loving and providing for my family, everything else fades into the background. When I look at Grace, I see the woman I’ve always burned for, the one I’ve always loved. She’s the one I should’ve held on to as if my life depended on it—because it does. Grace can’t be replaced with someone who makes me feel good about myself in the short term; the thoughts and feelings of being a failure will return. Only, they’ll be worse knowing I’ve also failed Grace and Kyle. Exchanging the life we’ve built for something unknown won’t suddenly make me a new man.

How could I have been so stupid and blind all this time?

Now I’m watching my wife retreat to the bed alone and wishing we could just have an open, honest conversation about what we both want. What we’re feeling. What we’re doing. So why can’t I? Why can’t I just climb those stairs, barge into our bedroom, and tell my wife what I want?

Because I don’t deserve her.

Because I haven’t atoned for my sins yet.

Because I’m still learning to be the man she needs.

Because I don’t know if she can ever love me again.

Because I don’t know if I’m worth the pain I’ve caused her.

So, I turn on the TV and flip through the channels instead. With my shoes kicked off and my clothes in a heap on the floor, I stretch out on the couch in my lounge pants. A thick blanket covers me, the fire in the fireplace warms me, and the low murmur of voices lulls me to sleep.

But it’s a fitful sleep—full of disturbing dreams with heartbreak and disappointments. When I wake, I’m more exhausted than ever, and more aggravated. My dreams all told me one thing—Grace will never want me again. In the shower, I decide if I’m going down in flames, I’ll go down fighting tooth and nail, and no fucking dream will decide my destiny.

It’s time to show Grace and Kyle exactly the husband and father I should’ve been the entire time. It’s time to prove to myself that I’m better than what I’ve allowed myself to become. Grace wants me to pretend to be the best father and husband I can be to help Kyle? She’ll get more than she bargained for because I’m done with the pretending part.

I’ll do whatever I have to do to make her fall in love with me again. One day at a time. Step by step.

I at least have to give this my best attempt—all three of us deserve that chance. A new beginning…a fresh start to make our family what it never has been before. Rock solid. Presents won’t solve our problems, I know that. But with Christmas only a week away, I want to find the perfect way to express my apology and my promise for the future.

“Where are you off to today?” Grace asks when I enter the kitchen fully dressed. It’s Saturday morning, and she’s at the stove cooking breakfast. Kyle sits at the table, sleepy-eyed and with crazy bed hair, but his expression tells me he enjoys this scene.

“I have a few errands to run today, but I shouldn’t be gone long.”

Her smile falters, and sadness overtakes her features. She doesn’t trust me, and I don’t blame her. She automatically assumes my errands involve Tammy.

“Kyle, do you want to go with me?”

“Where are you going?”

“Probably to the mall.”

“You are voluntarily going to the mall? Who are you, and what have you done with my dad? He would never go unless there were blackmail pictures involved.”

“Smartass,” I chuckle and playfully swat at his arm. Leaning down so only he can hear me, I whisper, “I have an idea for your mom’s present. Don’t you need to get her something too?”

“Oh, yeah. I do,” he whispers back. “Mom, I’m going with Dad today. You can’t come, though.”

“Of course I can.” She grins mischievously. I’ve missed that playful twinkle in her eyes. “I have my own car. I can drive it and everything.”

“Fine. You can go with us, but you can’t look,” Kyle compromises.

“You two go ahead. I’ll call Leigh and get her to go with me. Maybe we can meet for lunch later.”

“A lunch date with my wife?” I wink at her. “I’ll take you up on that offer.”

After breakfast, Kyle speeds through his shower while I help Grace with the dishes. My fingers brush against hers, and the brief contact hits me like a bolt of lightning. The desire I once thought was dead is back in full force. Grace’s eyes jerk up to meet mine. Her lips are parted, and her face is flushed. She feels it too. I know she does.

“Ready, Dad?”

Kyle’s timing is perfect. His entrance saves me from making a fatal mistake. Had I gone with my gut instinct and kissed her, I would’ve ruined all my plans. I won’t rush this. I’ll take my time and convince her to fall in love with me one romantic gesture at a time.

My eyes stay connected to Grace’s when I answer Kyle. “Yes, I am ready. Now that I’m clear on what I need.”

“Perfect,” he replies, unaware of the underlying meaning in my words. “You can help me figure out what I need to get.”

“Have fun,” Grace says as we’re walking out.

I stop and turn to face her. “You sure you’re okay going with Leigh? You’re welcome to come with us.”

“I’m fine. You two go do your thing. I’ll do mine, and we’ll catch up early this afternoon.”

I nod and give her a small smile. So many words on the tip of my tongue and so many things to say. But I swallow them down and wait for the right time. Whenever that may be.

“Are we really going to the mall?” Kyle asks when I slide behind the wheel.

“Yes. Well, maybe around the mall. The best jewelry store is just across the parking lot from the mall entrance.”

“Do you already know what you’re getting her?”

“I have a good idea.”

“Any chance we can swing getting her a pair of diamond earrings from me? I’ve heard her tell Leigh that she’ll get a pair one day. Eventually. But she never splurges on herself, so I don’t know how she plans to get them.”

With a smile and a nod, I apparently make Kyle’s day. The beaming grin on his face makes me proud. He loves his mother, and he’s not ashamed to show it. When we walk into the jewelry store, the young woman behind the front counter looks up and holds my gaze with a bat of her eyelashes. She smiles warmly and shifts her stance to fully face me. The signs are so obvious, but I ignore her open invitation.

“Hello. How can I help you today?” she purrs.

“I’m looking for a ring for my wife.” I keep my expression passive, but the inflection in my voice leaves no doubt regarding my intentions.

“And a pair of diamond earrings too,” Kyle adds.

“Of course.” She slips into professional mode without a hitch. “What type of ring do you have in mind?”

“A Past, Present, and Future ring.”

She shows me to the case with the options and leaves me to look at them while she shows Kyle to the earrings. My eyes scan over the rows of rings until I spot the perfect set. Three round-cut stones in platinum and a matching band with wraparound diamonds is exactly what I had in mind. Visions of renewing our vows in the future bounce in my mind.

Though it’s not something I could pull off in a week—or even that Grace would want it that soon—maybe she’ll be ready to forgive me by spring. After I’ve given her every reason to love me again. After I’ve shown her I want to be the kind of husband she needs. After I prove I’ll move heaven and earth to give her the big wedding we never had, if that’s what she wants. If she forgives me. If she even wants me back.

I have to face the very real possibility that scenario may never happen.

Kyle steps up beside me with a satisfied expression on his face. “It looks like you found a pair you like for her?”

“Yes, she’ll be thrilled. She deserves them. She’s done so much for me my whole life. But after all this stuff with applying to colleges and helping me pick majors, she deserves sainthood.”

My heart drops to my feet. I didn’t even know they’d been working so hard on any of that. I’ve been so wrapped up in myself, I’ve neglected my entire family and everything that’s important to them. This is time I’ll never get back, memories I’ll never be part of in Kyle’s life. I should kick my own ass.

The salesgirl opens the velvet box to show me the pair Kyle selected, and I’m in awe. Round-cut diamond studs that match the ring set perfectly. “Beautiful, Kyle. They’re perfect.” I point to the wedding set, and the girl retrieves them from the case.

“These are a size six,” she says and hands them to me.

“Those are the ones, Dad. Get those.” Kyle’s eyes never leave the rings when he speaks, and I think fate has just made the final decision for me. “She’ll love them.”

“That’s her size. I’ll take them.” I check my watch and realize we have plenty of time left before Grace and Leigh will be ready to meet us for lunch. “As much as this hurts me to ask, do you want to go to the mall and look for a present for your girlfriend?”

“Yeah, let’s get it over with before the crowd gets worse. I’ve kinda waited till the last minute, huh?”

“You and me both, son.”