Chapter Four
“Police checkpoint. Keep the dog quiet,” Jana called out and brought the hearse to a stop.
“Bad men. No barking,” I told Tinkerbell.
Tinkerbell shivered.
I listened nervously as an officer asked, “What are you transporting?”
Duh. This was a hearse.
Her voice cool and calm Jana answered, “A body. Would you like to see my documentation?”
“Yes, ma’am, I would.” There was a short pause before the officer asked, “You’re taking Robert Henry from Desert Hills Mortuary to Garden of Memories Cemetery? Is he being interned in the mausoleum?”
“Garden of Memories Cemetery doesn’t have a mausoleum, sir.”
“Right. My mistake,” the officer said.
A note of irritation in her voice, Jana declared, “The graveside services start at five and Mrs. Henry is having a difficult time dealing with Mr. Henry’s death. If I’m late, Mrs. Henry will need the paramedics, and my lawyer will be contacting your Chief.”
“You’re free to go, ma’am,” the officer said.
“Thank you, Officer Babcock.” The hearse began to move again and picked up speed. After a few moments, Jana snapped, “What a dick.”
“No, Detective Callaghan is a dick. That cop was just annoying,” I answered.
Jana sighed. “Too bad Dutch is such an attractive dick.” Her cellphone let loose with a series of crazed Ho, Ho, Ho’s. “Hello Marge. Yes, that was Kandi. No, she’s not hurt. No, she wasn’t arrested. Yes, the dogs are okay. What? Chickens? I have no idea. Yes, ma’am, I will tell Kandi. I promise. Okay. What? Italian bread? Sure. Bye. Bye.”
Guess Samson didn’t delete all the television stations’ news feeds. “Mom’s at my house?”
“She is. I keep telling you to change the locks,” Jana answered.
“Wouldn’t do any good. My Dad’s an expert at picking locks.”
“Your father has a lot of unusual talents.”
Jana had no idea of what my dad was capable of and it needed to stay that way. “What did you promise my mother?”
“That I would take you straight home. She’s making spaghetti and wants us to bring the bread.”
“Did she say anything about Edgar being there too? They’ve been joined at the hip lately.”
Jana laughed. “She did say she had a surprise for you.”
“God, kill me now.
“You’ve got to admit Edgar does make the perfect elf.”
I rolled my eyes. “Just because he’s a little person?”
“Well, yeah, and the kids love him.”
“Whoop-de-do. Do you know he actually tried to hump my leg?”
“What? When?” Jana’s cellphone rang again. “Hello? Yes, sir. Really? Okay. Will do. Gotcha. Thanks for the heads up.”
“Who was that?”
“Your dad. His friend at the Phoenix Police Department called to warn him that Dutch, the asshole, thinks you’re involved in the mishap and plans on paying you a visit. Soon. He says not to come home.”
“Crap. We need a plan.”
“I’ve got one,” Jana said.
“I’m all ears.”
“We’re going to attend the Dine With Your Dog charity benefit at Heritage Square. All the Phoenix movers and shakers will be there, and we’ll make sure to get a picture with the mayor,” Jana said gleefully.
“Whoa! You actually got tickets for the hottest event in town?”
“Actually, my dad did. I was going to surprise you with the tickets after you finished your easy rescue.”
I winced. “Color me surprised.”
“The charity event is the perfect place to promote your detective agency and, admit it, you need a night out.”
God, did I. “You are the best friend ever.”
“Damned right I am, and the benefit gives you the perfect alibi. While the cops are looking for you in south Phoenix, we’ll be sipping champagne with the Chief of Police.” The hearse made a sharp left turn and came to a stop.
“I hate to ruin your perfect plan, but I don’t have a cocktail dress. I’m covered in chicken shit, and my deodorant failed about an hour ago.”
“Not a problem. You can shower off in the preparation room. Tammy is bringing the dress I bought you for your birthday and she’s giving you a makeover.”
I gasped in horror. Tammy was eighty, if she was a day, wore coke bottle glasses and she was the makeup artist for the dead. “Ah, thanks for the dress, but my birthday isn’t for another three months and I’m not dead.”
“I got the dress on sale. It’s perfect for you and don’t be such a wuss.” Jana slid the coffin out and opened the lid. “Once Tammy’s done with you, your own parents won’t even recognize you.”
I climbed out with Tinkerbell. “Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of.”
“Tammy was a professional makeup artist in Hollywood,” Jana reassured me as she unlocked the back door to the mortuary.
About a hundred years ago. “Really. All I need is a little mascara and some lipstick.”
“You’re getting a makeover and a haircut,” Jana stated flatly as she opened the door.
Oh, hell no. Tammy wore an old-fashioned, blue beehive do. “Tammy’s not touching my hair.”
“Relax, I made an emergency call to Enrique.”
I heaved a sigh of relief and followed Jana down the hallway. “Okay. He’s really good.”
Janna added, “He’s even bringing a ribbon for Tinkerbell.”
Tinkerbell yipped.
“She wants to know what color,” I translated.
Jana laughed. “A fashion-conscious dog. It’s red.”
“Red,” I told the Yorkie.
Tinkerbell barked happily.
“Don’t tell me. Red is Tinkerbell’s favorite color?”
“It is.” We walked into the preparation room and I shivered. Damn, they had the air cranked down to sub-zero.
Tammy peered at us. “Perfect timing.” She rolled her cart of makeup closer to an embalming table. “I’m all set up.”
“I am not getting on that table,” I whispered to Jana.
Jana hurried over to her. “Tammy, I need you to do Kandi’s makeup. Not one of the departed. Remember?”
Tammy glared at her. “Of course, I remember. I ain’t senile you know.”
“No one said you were,” Jana replied quickly.
I choked back a laugh.
An elderly woman wearing a green silk nighty appeared in the room. “Can you help me? Please. I don’t know where I am.”
I waited for Jana to take charge of her, but she totally ignored the distraught woman.
The woman’s chin trembled, and tears ran down her face. “Can’t anyone help me?”
Jana was never this rude. Was she that upset with me? The big question was; where was the poor thing’s caregivers?
“Hi, my name is Kandi. What’s yours?”
“I’m Erma. Erma Dutton. Is this a mortuary?”
“It is.”
“Oh, dear God. Am I dead? I don’t feel dead. Am I dead?” Erma began to weep.
Jana shot me a worried look. “Who are you talking to?”
“Her.” I pointed at the old lady.
“There’s no one there. Did you hit your head?” Jana held up two fingers. “How many fingers do you see?”
My stomach sank. “Two. You can’t see her?”
“No.”
Tammy eyed me like I was a few fries short of a Happy Meal. “Ain’t nobody there, honey.”
Crap. The last thing I needed was another supernatural power. I reached out cautiously and touched Erma. A chilling cold wrapped around my fingers. I jerked my hand back. Yep. I was talking to a ghost. “Remember when I told you my great grandma Anastasia had been a famous medium. I think I’m getting her power to talk to the dead.”
Jana rubbed her forehead again. “Why now?”
“Grandma Hester said her mother had gotten her ghostly powers around her twenty-fourth birthday. Mine is coming up.”
“What’s the deceased’s name?”
“Erma Dutton.”
Jana grabbed a clipboard off the wall and scanned it. “James just brought her in. She died from a heart attack and the attending physician signed the death certificate.”
Tinkerbell barked.
“What?”
Arf. Arf. Arf. Arf. Arf. Arf. Arf.
“Are you sure?”
Arf.
With an aggravated expression, Jana asked, “We don’t speak dog. What did she say?”
“Tinkerbell said there’s a light following Erma around.”
“Get her to go to it. We’ve got enough problems as it is,” Jana growled.
A bit of an understatement. “Do you see a light Erma?”
“Yes.” A brilliant smile lit her face. “Harold!”
“Go to Harold. He’ll show you the way home.”
“I’ve missed you so much.” Erma vanished.
I let out a sigh of relief. “She passed over.”
Tinkerbell barked joyfully and did a happy dance.
Jana stared at me thoughtfully. “You know, your new talent could come in handy.”
“How?”
“If the family can’t find the will, you ask the dearly departed where it is.”
The backdoor buzzer sounded.
“That has to be Enrique. Go take your shower and we’ll get started on your transformation from fugitive to debutante,” Jana said.
I gave her a slight bow. “Yes, fairy godmother.”