Chapter Five

I tip the driver extra when he pulls in front of the three-level townhouse in Dulles, Virginia. I share the four-bedroom unit with Michelle and Jan, two of my besties from college. Jan owns the place, and it’s close to work, so it was no-brainer to move there after graduation. Besides, I can’t afford anything similar on my salary.

The mid-February air stings my lungs. The weather’s unusually crisp for this time of year. I can’t wait for warmer days. I hate that it’s so dark and cold in the mornings.

It’s drizzling, so I dash inside, dragging the suitcase behind me. Michelle and Jan are already home, stretched out around the coffee table in the living room with a large Costco pizza between them. They must’ve just gotten back from work, since both are in work clothes, sans shoes, which are scattered unceremoniously on the floor.

“Why aren’t you over at Matt’s place?” I ask Jan in lieu of a greeting.

“He’s working late.” She sighs.

Her pout makes her appear younger than twenty-two. A pretty green-eyed redhead, she has this whole air of innocence about her. Sort of makes sense, since she was a virgin until five months ago. Matt Aston, our in-house legal counsel, popped her cherry, and I’m happy for her. I can’t think of anybody better for that particularly delicate task than him.

“Come have some dinner”—she gestures at the pizza—“unless you’ve eaten?”

“I haven’t. Thanks.” I plop down next to Jan, who scooches over, and pick up a large slice.

“How did it go?” Michelle says, pushing her artfully curled brown hair out of her eyes. The slightly smoky makeup deepens their color to a burnt caramel. I swear her eyes make me crave sugar.

“It was—”

“Wait, wait,” Jan says, raising a hand. “Just a yes or no. No details. David’s my cousin, but he’s also sort of like a brother to me.”

Well then. “No.”

Michelle stares. “What do you mean, ‘no’?”

“Didn’t Erin help you? She seems like such a helpful girl,” Jan says with a small frown. “Maybe I should’ve weaseled it out of him or something.”

I sigh. My roomies knew my general plan. We went over it. More like I told them to hear myself talk and work out the kinks—no pun intended—and they listened. “No, no. Erin was fine. I managed to get inside his suite…only to be pussy-blocked.”

Michelle gasps. “By who? Did he pick up a hooker before you could make your move?”

“It’s San Mateo, not Las Vegas,” Jan points out.

“So? Californians need paid love, too.”

I stuff my mouth with pizza and chew to stall. I can’t decide how I’m going to talk about Luke. “No hookers were involved in the pussy-blocking.”

Michelle arches an eyebrow. “Then?”

“I need a drink,” I say instead. “Of the alcoholic variety, before I can talk about ThAssIMWa.”

“ThAssIMWa?”

“That Ass In My Way.”

Jan gets up and goes to the kitchen to grab a strawberry-flavored wine cooler. Maybe we should buy real wine, but I don’t want to bother until the cheap stuff starts to taste bad. Mom told me it’ll happen soon. Like when I’m ready to adult.

We share the bottle and I give them the general outline of events. Jan and Michelle listen, riveted. They’re probably wondering how the hell I was vanquished so easily by Evil when I had a plan. A really good one, too.

“Wow,” Michelle says when I’m done.

“Right?”

“I think this guy likes you,” Jan says.

What the hell? I sputter. “He does not.”

Michelle tosses her hair over a shoulder. “Jan’s right. You probably looked hot in your bustier and fishnet stockings.”

“Who cares?” I grumble. “He wasn’t the right guy, and I didn’t get to pop any cherries.”

Michelle blinks, and Jan stares at me like the universe just turned into orange cream cheese.

“Are you a virgin?” Jan chokes out.

“What?”

“You said you didn’t get to pop any cherries, but… I’m pretty sure David’s had some experience.”

“No, my toys. I wanted to make our first time memorable, so I splurged and bought a box of sex toys. All brand new.”

“Thank God,” Michelle says.

“Make sense. Slim pickings for that kind of stuff on the secondhand market,” Jan adds sincerely.

I scrunch my face. “Ew.”

“I know, right?” Jan makes a gagging motion with her finger. “So now what?”

“Now? I need a new plan.”

“Maybe this is for the best,” Michelle says. “Do you really want to be David’s rebound girl?”

“There’s no such thing.” I’ve never experienced the need to rebound, except when my first relationship went sour. And that rebound lasted only about a week before I said, Fuck it, life’s too short. “A relationship is like a knot. When it’s time to end things, you just cut clean through, rather than trying to untangle the damn thing.”

Michelle snorts. “That’s you. Most people aren’t as, uh, clinical.”

“Yeah, but they should be.”

She ignores me. “Guys don’t keep rebound girls. They fuck ’em and chuck ’em.”

“They do?” Jan says, her eyes wide.

“Rebound girls are like medicine. You use it because you have to get over the shitty hurt of the breakup, but once you recover…” Michelle shrugs. “I mean, do you care about Tamiflu once you get over your influenza?”

I scoff. “You would if Tamiflu was nice as me. Besides, you have it all wrong. When David comes in contact with my magina”—I pronounce it as mah-jahy-nah—“he’s going to realize I’m the one for him.”

Michelle tilts her head with a small frown. “‘Magina’?”

“Magic vagina. There’s one for every man.”

Jan spews a little of the wine cooler, staining her sunflower skirt. Michelle stares at me with her mouth open.

“I think the term you’re looking for is soul mate,” she says finally.

“Whatever. I just need to make him realize that, out of three and a half billion women in the world, I’m the one.”