What the hell am I doing here? The fuck was I thinking? You really stepped in it this time Cade. You knew from the get that this shit was a no-go. So why? How? I shook my head as if coming out of a stupor.

That’s exactly how I felt. Like I’d been half asleep at the wheel these past few months when I allowed myself to be guilted into this bullshit. Now I felt a new kind of guilt.

I had the dream again last night. The one where she was calling out for me but I couldn’t find her in the dark. My woman, my heart, my soul.

It’s been a while since she came to me in my sleep. Too long since I woke up in a cold sweat with the taste of her still on my tongue and her scent playing with my senses.

Even though the dreams left me feeling empty, they were all I had so I welcome them each time they come. They’d evaded me for some time now, until last night. I don’t have to wonder too hard as to why that should be.

I looked at the woman sitting across from me now, not even a viable substitute. No one is, and now I’m beginning to think no one ever will be. That’s a damn lie, I always knew that shit.

For too long I’ve been willing myself to feel something, anything, even if it was just a flicker of interest. Anything to tell me that I’m not dead, that I’m still among the living.

But even now as I look at her all I feel is a deep emptiness. That shroud of darkness still enveloped me after all this time. Like a black void that I had crawled into and couldn’t find my way back from.

Even when I’d finally given in, I knew that this is how it would be. Knew that there would be nothing there for her or anyone else. And I know that it would be the same today, tomorrow, and fifty years from now.

She isn’t a bad looking woman, and I’m sure there’s any number of men in this city who’d give their right arm to be by her side. But I’m not one of them. I’m never going to be. So why the fuck…

I know why. I was testing myself no doubt. Trying to prove something to me and to everyone else. But the shit backfired spectacularly. I’d only proved what I’ve known deep down all along. This shit isn’t gonna work.

It was bound to fail from the beginning and no amount of pleading on her part or my mother’s is going to change that. The heart wants what it wants and mine had made up its mind a long time ago.

I knew it. But I guess I was having an ignorance day or some fuck when I said yes to this shit. Now I’m stuck in this bullshit situation and I have no one else to blame but myself.

I feel like shit because I’m about to hurt someone that though I don’t love, has been a dear friend. Someone who came out of the shadows in my darkest hour to offer comfort when I thought there was none.

She smiled across the dinner table at me as we both pretended to pick at our food and I could see the tension in her, the questions in her eyes. I felt almost angry with her for forcing us to this point. I’d wanted to avoid this; I knew it was inevitable.

I knew even when I was agreeing that this would be the end result. How could there be any other? My heart isn’t mine to give. And it doesn’t matter that the owner has been gone for so long now that I’m almost beginning to forget what she looked like.

That fuck refuses to beat for anyone else but her. Not that I want it to. I’d give my last breath to have her back by my side, but… I cut my thoughts off right there.

I never think about my woman when I’m in this one’s presence; talk about guilt. But the guilt isn’t about her, but about my woman. I always feel like I’m cheating when I’m near the woman I’d foolishly agreed to marry.

That’s why I should never have let things get this far. It was my own indifference. I’d been so lost in my head for so long that I’d all but given up after years of waiting, hoping.

Mindy is one of the people who’d been there to hold me up just when I wanted to give up. She’s been such a good friend, giving so selflessly of her time, that’s why I find it hard to do to her what I know I would if we take one more step down this path.

I’d tried telling her time and again. But she seemed to want it so much, and my protests and denials didn’t seem to work. She was convinced that her love would be enough. That she could heal me somehow.

But I knew better. I knew what it meant to love and be loved so completely that two became one. I knew that for the rest of my life, whether it is her or someone else that I’ll never have that again. Not with anyone else but my woman.

So now, here we are after months of pleading on her part, and my mother’s sad face every time I looked at her. That, coupled with the fact that it was beginning to look like my woman wasn’t ever coming back no matter how much I wished for it, had finally broken me down and caused me to make a mistake that I now have to fix.

I let my eyes travel over her one last time. The dress she wore was fitted across her chest seductively, the deep vee of the neckline showing off the creamy skin of her cleavage to perfection.

She was perfectly manicured and coiffed, not a hair out of place. Even the way she lifted the fork to her lips seemed cultured and refined and fit perfectly with her well-bred upbringing.

Still I felt nothing, nothing but distaste and repulsion, at myself. Even to sit and have a meal with her as man and woman leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. In fact, it’s only at times like this that I feel like I’m betraying ‘her’.

Maybe that’s why I hate it so much. Why it makes my skin crawl to even come up the driveway. Why I go home and sit in darkness for hours afterwards until the feelings pass.

It’s not like I don’t think of my woman every fucking second of the day. But it’s only when I’m forced to come here because I’ve ran out of excuses that I feel this sense of suffocation.

Always in her presence I feel like it’s a betrayal of the worst sort, and maybe it is. So why did I think that I could go through with this? Why had I even let myself be talked into it? And why was it only now that I felt this strongly when I hadn’t given a damn about anything in so long?

Why did I convince myself that this time would be different when I knew deep down that nothing would ever change? Even when my heart was dead inside me, when I didn’t care if I lived or died, I knew that no one could ever take my woman’s place.

But for whatever reason I’d let myself be talked into it this last time. Was it to prove something to myself, or to others? I knew it wasn’t because of any real interest on my part.

This was only the second or third time I’d let myself be talked into coming to her place, and I’m pretty sure it might be my last.

I felt stifled, like I couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t the first time I’d felt this way. But tonight the feelings were stronger than in the past and I knew I could no longer brush them aside, ignore them.

It was time I faced the truth and made her do the same. That no matter how much time had passed, I’m never going to feel whole again. Never going to want this with anyone else but the woman who owns my heart.

I know she feels it too, the lack of true interest on my part. So why is she so willing to subject herself to a life of this emptiness? A life with a man who’s never going to love her no matter what.

Could she really love me this much that she is willing to settle for the crumbs which were all I could ever offer her? For her sake I can’t let her do that. And I can’t spend another day feeling like the life was being sucked out of me just from being in the same room as her.

But how do I explain without hurting her feelings? How do I dash her dreams and break her heart after all that she’d done for me without her knowing that she’d never stood a chance?

That she’d wasted all her time and effort on a lost cause? There was no way to do that without lying and that I’m not very good at. There was no getting around this shit.

No matter what words I choose this evening is not going to end well for her. Just as I was about to speak she spoke up for the first time in minutes. “Why aren’t you eating Cade? I made your favorite meal specially….”

How could I tell her that this shit was only my favorite when made by other hands? That not even the most skilled chef could make the veal picata quite like my woman?

In the past when she pushed I’d eat more just to please her and ease the guilt in my gut. But tonight I wasn’t willing to give her even that. I was through, all the way done.

I looked down at my plate like it was a foreign object. A feeling of frustrated anger assailed me as I thought of how we got here. I thought of all the times I told her no.

I’d kept her at arm’s length and never gave her even an ounce of encouragement when I saw the interest in her eyes. I never once gave her reason to believe that I had any feeling but friendship for her and yet somehow here we are.

Still, I can’t place all the blame on her since I was the ass who’d given in just to shut her up. And to stop my mother’s tears! It was that more than anything that had made me cave.

I couldn’t bear to see another woman I loved in such pain and worry over me so I gave in to her pleas and folded. It was the only thing she asked of me over and over. The one thing that seemed to reassure her that I wasn’t going to give into my anguish and end it with a bullet to the head.

She’s going to be pissed my mother. But it can’t be helped. They’ll both thank me in the end. I know how much my mother cares for this girl, so she’ll want her to be happy I’m sure.

Once she realizes that this match was a disaster waiting to happen she’ll get over whatever anger she’s going to feel over my breaking the engagement. They both will.

With my mind made up I gave one last deep sigh as I placed my fork on the plate next to my half eaten dinner and stood up to leave. The night had only just begun but for me it was already over. The shit was dead before I got here, who am I kidding?

“Where are you going?” I didn’t look at her, couldn’t, and didn’t really want to. “I’m going home. I can’t…” I felt pity and something sour stir in my gut.

I knew from her actions of late that she was expecting me to take her to bed, that she’d been waiting for it for a long time. All the signals were there tonight. Maybe that’s why I had finally come out of the fog enough to put an end to this shit storm of a mess that I’d made.

I’d put it off as long as I could because the very thought made me sick to my stomach. Nothing personal, it was nothing against her. I just wasn’t ready to share that side of me with anyone else, not now, and maybe not ever.

It was a humbling thought at my age, but there was no help for it. Something inside me had died two years ago and I had no real interest in reviving it at this point in time. Maybe that would change in the future who knows.

But for now I can’t and won’t force myself to feel something I don’t. That feeling of being buried alive accosted me again and that’s when I said it. What I should’ve said since the very beginning.

It had been on my tongue these last few days, but I never found a way that wouldn’t cause hurt. Now it didn’t seem to matter. I just wanted out.

“I can’t marry you.” A ton of pressure fell from my shoulders and chest as the words finally left my lips. The feeling of relief was astounding and I was suddenly lighter in body and spirit.

I felt like I could breathe for the first time in months and wondered how in the hell I’d let myself get sucked in so deep. I actually shook my head to clear it as if coming out of a daze.

Something felt different. Like saying those words out loud had freed me in a way that I hadn’t been in a long time. My mind was clear for the first time in way too long and there was even a little spark of renewed hope in my chest for the one thing I really gave a damn about.

I felt like I was waking out of a coma. Like these last few weeks especially I’d just been going through the motions, not really myself. I’d let her and my mother take over in a way.

Once I said yes to the marriage it’s almost as if I’d just given up, given in. That can happen when you stop caring about shit. When you feel like the best of your life is already behind you.

I don’t know where my renewed strength of will came from or why now, but I was glad for it. I could’ve made a very horrible mistake had I not come to my senses. I don’t even want to think of that fucking nightmare.

Because I’d stopped caring about life I’d told myself I could do this for her sake. It wasn’t like I was going to marry anyone else somewhere down the line. And mom was right; I still had life in me and was at that age where I should start thinking about kids.

I had no real interest in any of it, but her words had finally broken through my resolve and like she said, who better than the daughter of an old family friend who’d been a part of my life in one way or another for as long as I can remember? Someone who had been by my side when shit was at its darkest.

But now I see how selfish that was even though I’d done it for her. Even though she’d said it didn’t matter, that the feelings would come with time.

I would’ve ruined both our lives by going through with a marriage that I didn’t want with a woman I didn’t love and never will. If only I could get her to understand. But she’s the one who kept pushing in her own way.

She wanted to save me I know, because that’s the kind of friend she is. I know she’s in love with me. And even though she thinks that that’s enough, I know better. I’ve been in love, still am, with someone else.

I walked out of the room with her hot on my trail, pleading, but her words meant nothing to me. It was as if my eyes were finally open and I was thinking clearly again.

It had been a while since I’d been able to get ahold of my thoughts, a while since I’d cared about anything. That’s the reason why I’d agreed to the wedding, because I didn’t care.

But the closer we get to that day, the more I’ve been coming out of my shell. I know it would be wrong, and though she may not see things my way now, she’d understand some day in the future. Hopefully when she finds someone to love her the way she deserves to be. Sure as fuck it’s not me.

I know this is going to cause a lot of heartache and grief to a lot of people but I can’t do it. It’s not fair to her and it’s not fair to me. And most importantly, it’s not fair to the woman who might still be out there somewhere waiting for me to come get her. My mind flashed to the dream again and I hurried my pace.

The closer I got to the door the slacker the noose around my neck seemed to get. I felt a sense of freedom that I hadn’t in a long time. I was almost running at the end.

I shrugged off her hand when she clutched my arm and finally allowed myself to look at her. Guilt ate away at me when I saw the tears in her eyes but they weren’t enough to stop me this time. “I’m sorry Mindy, I can’t.”

I went out the door for what may be the last time as she called out to me, choosing to leave it at that. There was nothing left to say. I’d never lied to her, never pretended to feel something that wasn’t there. At least I didn’t have that on my conscience.

I heard her cry out for me but forced myself to keep going. I was as sure as I was breathing that there were no words that could make me take back the ones I’d just said.