Nate could tell exactly what Lauren had planned. Sure enough, she excused herself as soon as possible. “I think I’ll go rest if you don’t mind, Mom.”
“Dinner was wonderful, but I’m a little tired.” She pushed away from the table and headed toward the stairs.
Nate noticed the disappointment and the worry that crossed her mother’s face, but she made no move to stop her. No one did.
She’d told him she feared she would retreat into herself after the attack, that she’d stop taking chances. He couldn’t let her do that to herself. Not again.
He followed her to the doorway leading to the kitchen and said, “Here, allow me to help you.” After he ushered her up the single step and into the kitchen, he continued to escort her to the staircase in the front room.
Lauren turned to him and said, “Thank you again for your kindness, Nate. I hope to see you soon.” She took a step toward the staircase, but he stepped in front of her, barring her from taking the first step. “What are you doing?” she asked, sounding genuinely puzzled.
“I’m not going to let you do it,” he whispered, wanting to keep their conversation as private as he could.
“Do what?” She crossed her arms in front of her.
“Walk away.”
“I said I was tired. If you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go to my room.” She stared over his shoulder, refusing to look him in the eye.
“No. This isn’t right for you, Lauren. You’re blocking everything and everyone out—just like you said you would. If you go upstairs, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. You’re doing it to hide.”
“What? That’s ridiculous.”
He could see the fine tremor in her hand. “Are you having any serious pain at the moment?”
She quickly said, “No.”
“Then take a walk with me. It’s a beautiful early fall night. I’d love to stroll down to the lake, look out over the water, and watch the beautiful sunset. Would you join me, please?”
She glared at him as if she wished to choke him, but then a funny thing happened. Her eyes grew misty, and she said, “Fair enough. I’ll go with you. But only for a short walk.”
“Fair enough.” He stepped back out onto the porch and said, “Lauren and I are going to take a stroll down to the dock. We’ll be back shortly.” Rather than wait for an answer, he escorted Lauren over to the front door. Once outside, he said, “Which way?”
She pointed to the right. “We can follow this walkway almost to the lake.”
“Wonderful.” He reached for her hand, expecting her to refuse, but she surprised him by sliding her tiny hand inside his and tucking herself a little closer to him. She wore leggings and a tunic top, the kind that hung almost to her knees. Jeans were not the material you wore over a bruised body. What she wore suited her perfectly—the simplicity only augmenting her beauty. “What’s your favorite time of year on the lake?”
She relaxed against him. “Now. Everyone else prefers summer, but I love it when the lake becomes quiet and the leaves start to turn. The colors are glorious by mid-October. I love to look at the hills across the lake, see their colors shimmer when the sun is out.” They walked in silence for a bit, but he noticed she slowed her pace as soon as the slope of the lawn increased. The sidewalk had ended, and they moved forward with caution.
She whispered, “Why are you doing this?”
“Quite simply because I care about you.” He didn’t know how else to explain it.
“Why?” She didn’t look at him, but he thought she squeezed his hand a bit tighter.
He shrugged his shoulders, not sure how to answer her. They’d made it to the water, and they stepped hand in hand onto the dock that surrounded the boathouse.
“Is it because you feel sorry for me?”
He spun to face her. “No, that’s not it at all. I was attracted to you before the attack at the library. There’s just something about you. At the fire, I looked in your eyes, and…” Exasperation got the best of him. “I don’t know why.” He waved one arm, but didn’t let go of her hand. “I can’t always put things into words.”
But maybe he could show her…
“Lauren, I’m going to kiss you because I want to, so if you don’t want this, you need to stop me now.”
She didn’t say anything, so he took that as acceptance. He lowered his lips to hers, cupping her cheek as gently as he could. He kissed her, then stopped for a moment to see if she’d change her mind before he took her lips again, teasing her with his tongue, pleased that she parted her lips to allow him inside.
He moved as slowly as he could, not wanting to hurt her or alarm her by going too fast, but she tasted like he guessed heaven would taste—sweet, soft, accepting, and willing to duel with him a bit. He caressed her mouth with his tongue, encouraging her to share that small piece of herself with him, and so damn pleased when she did finally did touch her tongue to his. When had something so small ever felt this satisfying?
She winced, so he ended the kiss. “Did I hurt you?” He ran his thumb over her cheek, and her hand came up to cover his, holding him to that spot.
“No. You were so gentle. Well, the other side of my face still hurts a bit.”
He pulled back a bit more to look in her eyes, surprised to see a tear there. “I made you cry. That’s not a good sign.”
She dropped her hand and said, “It is a good sign. Do you know why?”
He nodded. “It shows emotion.” Something he himself was afraid to show. Had been ever since… He forced himself not to think about his mother and what had happened to her. About how it had damaged his relationships with other people.
“Yes. My counselor would be pleased. Thank you for making me come out here with you. It was wonderful. And…thank you for not giving up on me.” She hugged herself, her hand coming up to hold her temple. He didn’t need to ask her what she was doing. Something told him this was her way of attempting to stave off the memories she wished to forget.
He had plenty of those, so he understood.
Stop thinking about it, never think about her again, stop dwelling on what you could have done, forget the look in her eyes… Those thoughts spun through his head every day, and yet they didn’t stop the memories. Not really. Maybe only time would do that.
“I don’t plan on giving up on you, Lauren. Believe it or not, I understand. We’ll take it as fast or as slow as you’d like.”
She said, “We should probably go back.”
He focused on her eyes as she stared out over the water, wondering what she was thinking. Wanting to keep her with him. “I’m in no hurry. It’s beautiful out here. Stay with me for a little while?” He rubbed the back of his hand across her cheek to pull her back, or so he hoped. Returning again and again to the shadows of painful memories was not going to help her.
She startled at his touch, but a smile crossed her face as her gaze shifted back to his. This was a real smile—though a sad one—not the happy mask she put on for the world. “Since you have the time, would you mind doing something for me? You don’t have to talk or anything.”
Her hand released his, as if testing how the distance felt, but she almost immediately reached for him again.
“Of course. What it is?”
She stared at her feet before she lifted her chin back up, though she did not make eye contact with him this time. “Will you hold me while I cry? I don’t think I can stop the tears this time.”
The tears burst out before he could answer her, so he wrapped his arms around her while she clung to him, burying her face in his shoulder. She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
And he never wanted to stop holding her.
***
She’d let him in when she let the tears out.
Lauren hadn’t planned on allowing anyone inside. On allowing herself to need or want anyone’s help. She was strong enough to battle this on her own, something she’d told her counselor—and her mother—over and over again.
But it felt wonderful to cry openly, and Nate didn’t seem to mind holding her. Her wrenching sobs should have been loud enough to echo across the waters of Orenda Lake, but the inky depths absorbed them and whisked away a world of pain at the same time. The lake always seemed to calm her, its strange powers almost magical.
When the tears finally ebbed, she turned her head to the side, still resting on his shoulder, his very wet shoulder. “You’re drenched,” she whispered.
He chuckled, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. Nate was as gentle and patient as any man she’d ever known. She said a quick thank you to whatever force had brought them together, though the circumstances left something to be desired.
“Did it help?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Is that the first time you’ve cried since the attack this week?”
“Yes. A tear has slipped out here and there, but I’ve always been able to contain the flood.”
She picked her head up to stare at him, taking in his perfect features and the shocking warmth in his gray eyes. “Thank you. I’ll bet I look a sight.”
“You’re always beautiful,” he said, squeezing her hand.
“Now what do we do?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “It’s still early. Do you need anything at the library for your classes?”
She took a step back and shook her head, a little too vehemently.
He nodded. “You need to go back. I’m offering to go with you the first time.”
She thought for a moment, her mind flashing back to the trees, the bushes, and the violent shove against her back. The thought of returning to the library, her favorite sanctuary, made her skin crawl.
“You may not be ready for it yet,” he said, looking into her eyes. “When you are, I’d be happy to go with you. It may take a few times before you can actually walk back in. Why don’t we just drive through the parking lot, and then we can stop for an ice cream cone on the way back?”
Could she do it? Something about his confidence in her made her feel like she could handle it. She took a deep breath and nodded. “All right, but just a drive around the parking lot.”
“If you change your mind, we can always head straight to the ice cream place. But it’s a start.” He turned to head back up the small hill and held his hand out to her.
She placed her hand in his and took a deep breath.
Yes, it was a start.
They headed out after explaining their mission to Lauren’s family. Her mother appeared the most shocked, but all she said was, “Lauren, are you sure?”
She nodded. “We’ll see how it goes.” Her mother came over to her, so Lauren kissed her cheek and gave her a reassuring hug. “Believe me, Mom. Nate will take care of me.”
Nate rested his hand on Lauren’s shoulder. “I can promise you that. And if she changes her mind at any time, we’ll leave immediately.”
Her mother’s eyes misted over as she whispered, “Thank you, Nate.”
A quarter of an hour later, Nate’s truck pulled into the college parking lot closest to the library. He reached for Lauren’s hand and gave it a light squeeze. “You tell me what to do. I’ll drive around the outside of the lot, and if you want to stop at any point, just say so. We’ll leave whenever you’re ready.”
She nodded and gripped his hand as he started skirting the perimeter of the lot. Her eyes were glued on the side window. As he took the last curve toward the attack zone, as she’d come to think of it, her heartbeat sped up along with her breathing, but she didn’t tell him to stop. She was this close to conquering one of her many fears. Sweat broke out across her forehead, and her gaze shifted back and forth between the zone and the truck’s dashboard. When the truck pulled abreast of it, she tugged her hand away from Nate’s and waved him on. He stepped on the gas and pulled away, causing her body to respond immediately to the decreased threat.
“Well done, Lauren. I honestly didn’t think we’d get that far.” He turned his head to smile at her, that full smile that reached inside her belly, causing a fluttering that was much more pleasant than the grip the zone had on her. “That was great. Are you ready for ice cream?”
She shook her head vehemently. “No. Again, please?”
He slowed his truck. “Are you sure?”
Her gaze caught his. “Yes. I need to conquer this, and I’d prefer to not be alone when it’s forced on me.”
“I’ll bring you back another time if you’d rather.”
“No. Now.” She hoped he’d go along with it. “That is, if you have the time.”
“I do.” He turned around to head back to the spot.
She turned her head toward the zone again, forcing herself to meet the demons in her mind. She gripped Nate’s hand as they pulled closer. “Slower, Nate. Please?”
He did as she asked, and as soon as they came closer, she whispered, “Stop.” Her breath hitched as she stared at the location where she’d been attacked by that horrid group of men.
“You fought them, Lauren. You kicked and fought, you sprayed them with mace, you used your phone. You did everything you could, and you came out alive. You should be proud of yourself. I know I’m proud of you.” His thumb caressed the back of her hand.
Voices bounced back and forth in her mind.
“Do you three think you could control one woman?”
“It’s about time you listened, bitch.”
Something came back to her. She peered over at Nate. “I spat on him, too.”
“Him?”
“The leader. One was definitely the leader. He kept telling the others what to do. Asking them why they couldn’t control me better.” She opened the door.
“Whoa. I’m fine with it if you want to go over there, but not without me.”
She gaped at him. His words had caught her off guard, spinning her mind away from the dark memories battling for her attention. Would he understand if she explained to him that the darkness always fought to overtake everything else in her mind? How that battle took place every day of her life?
Something unknown possessed her at the moment, some inner force or strength unleashed by this trip to the scene of the attack, and it inspired her to confront that battle head on.
Nate opened his door and hurried to her side, offering his hand to her as she climbed down from the truck, her gaze on the zone. Nate tugged her close and wrapped his arm around her.
She was grateful for his presence, for the empowering feeling of their combined strength. And she pushed herself to meet her fears head on. A few steps more and she stood on the edge of the area, much of it still trampled from her attackers and the police investigation. A chill crept up her spine as more bits and pieces came back to her, and she pushed herself to stride forward until she stood directly over the spot where she’d been accosted.
She leaned her head on Nate’s shoulder as a shiver coursed through her, not a shiver of fear but one of power. The bastards would not win. She was more powerful than they thought. More powerful than them.
“It’s about time you listened.”
“I’m not listening,” she whispered, a tear burning the corner of one eye. She lifted her head from Nate’s chest to stare at him. “I’m not listening.” This time it came out in a much more forceful voice.
“Good,” he replied, oddly understanding what she meant. He reached up to wipe the single tear that slid down her cheek.
“I’m not listening,” she yelled at him. “They need to know that.” A vow curled in her gut as she continued to think about the fire and the attack—the cowards’ attempt to silence her. “I’m not listening. Do you hear me, Nate?”
He smiled, encouraging her to continue. “Good. Don’t allow them to control you.”
“I’m not listening, I’m not listening.” She brought her fists up to his chest, almost taking swing at him, but she stopped herself because this was Nate. He empowered her rather than attacked her. He wasn’t one of them. “I’m. Not. Listening!”
Instead, she flung her fists over her head in triumph.
He nodded to her.
She spun around to look at the sidewalk. No one was around, so she tipped her head back and emitted a gut-wrenching bellow, ending it with the best word she could think of, “Bastards!”
She pivoted back to Nate and threw her arms around his neck. “Thank you. I’m pleased you brought me here. This was what I needed. There’s only one more thing I’d like to ask of you.”
He stared appreciatively at her, a wide grin on his face. “Anything. What is it?”
“Will you escort me to the library, please?”
She stepped out of the trees, her chin held high, her shoulders squared. She was done cowering. In fact, she had so much work to do, she didn’t know how she could manage to get it all done. Turning to Nate, she placed her hands on both sides of his face and kissed him hard, hoping that would let him know how much she appreciated what he’d done for her.
Now, because he’d pushed her—because she’d pushed herself, she had goals.
The bastards would never control her again.