Desolation

I stare at Tyke’s message, and my heart aches. I want to reply, I want to scream that I’ll wait for him, but there’s a strange bitterness in my chest I can’t shake. I don’t like this person. The person clutching a bottle of vodka, slowly breaking to pieces. I don’t want to be the sweet, innocent Pippa anymore, but is this really who I want to be? No.

I don’t know who I want to be.

I don’t know who I am.

I delete Tyke’s message, because I don’t honestly know how to respond. I don’t want to reply with anger, nor do I want hope where hope just might not be. Instead I move to Rainer’s message. Of all the people who could help me right now, it’s him.

Pippa: I’m home tonight, if you want to come around. I could use a friend.

Rainer: Give me your address, and I’m there.

I text him my address and he tells me he has a few things to do but will be over in a few hours. Before I have the chance to respond to any more, a knock sounds at my door.

“Pippa!” Santana yells.

With a sigh, I force myself to my feet, knowing I can’t hold her back. I unlock and open the door, and not only is Santana standing at my door, but so are Jaylah and Ash. They take one look at me, and hustle inside. Ash takes the bottle of vodka, Jaylah rushes into the kitchen mumbling something about, “It’s girls night in” and Santana does what she knows I need.

She wraps me in her arms.

We stand like that until Ash comes back, placing her hand on my back. I pull back and force a wobbly smile. Jaylah comes rushing over with a red-looking drink in a fancy glass. I didn’t even know I had those. “You’re going to sit and tell us everything, Pippa,” she says, handing it to me. “No more holding back.”

We all sit on the couch and I stare at them all. My friends. My family. My sisters. I know, more than anything, I can trust these girls. So, deciding I’m done being broken, I start talking. I start with Tyke and what has been happening between us, then I tell them what happened tonight.

“Oh Pippa,” Santana says. “I can’t believe he just left.”

I nod, sipping the drink Jaylah handed me. It’s really yummy.

“He said he couldn’t give me the life I wanted, that I needed someone safe.”

“He’s being a jerk, but I do understand that in his mind he thinks he’s protecting you,” Ash says.

“Maybe,” I say. “But he kisses me like he can’t breathe without me, then suddenly I need someone better. He’s not even giving me a chance.”

“Is Tyke really what you want?” Jaylah asks, tucking her legs beneath her. “Or is he just comfort?”

I flinch at her words.

“I’m not saying you don’t care about him,” she adds quickly. “But maybe he has a point—maybe he isn’t right for you. I’m not saying you can’t handle a man like him, but you’re softer, Pippa. You’re fragile, and he’s probably afraid he’ll destroy you. Tyke’s sweet, but he’s also hard.”

“I’m so tired of being seen like that,” I cry suddenly, and they all blink at me. “I don’t want to be that girl forever. It’s not who I am, it’s who I was molded to be. I’m strong, I’m stronger than any of you even begin to realize. I’m sensitive, yes, but that’s not because I’m weak.”

“Pippi . . .” Santana whispers.

“No, Tana,” I say, looking to her. “You’re strong, no one questions that, because you’ve had a fire that I don’t have, but I’m not weak. I was forced into myself because of the events that happened to me, but I can’t be like that forever. I don’t want to keep living like this.”

Obviously hearing the frustration in my voice, Santana says, “You never expressed that you were struggling.”

“Because I didn’t want to bother anyone. You’ve all done so much for me. I was afraid to even leave the house—I still am. I don’t know how to be normal, I don’t know how to control my emotions, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to.”

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Ash says, studying me.

“Because you have your own lives.”

“You know we would have helped you if you had asked,” Jaylah says.

“I know,” I sigh. “But I didn’t even know where to start.”

“You just needed to express that you wanted help changing and we would have helped,” Tana says. “I will always be here to help.”

“You’ve all tiptoed around me,” I say, meeting their eyes, “terrified you’ll say the wrong thing. I had it hard, yes, I saw things no one should ever see in their lives, but I’m here now, and I need to keep fighting for the life I want, not the life I had.”

“Will you ever tell us what happened?” Ash dares to ask.

I look to her. “Do you want to know what happened?”

They all nod.

And so I tell them. For the next hour and a half, I tell them everything.

By the end, they’re all crying.

For the first time in forever . . . I’m not.

~*~*~*~

NOW - Pippa

Rainer stands at my front door, shifting uncomfortably as all the girls stare at him. He tries to smile, but they’re making it difficult for him, considering they’re looking at him like he’s a statue of Hercules and they want to lick him. It’s Santana who steps forward, less stunned because she’s already met him before.