SARAH

 

Once I’d heard Karl’s car go, I called Josh on my phone and informed him that I couldn’t see him again. Then I listened into the phone and heard Josh breaking up his room before being wrestled to the floor. After that, someone must have put the phone down because it went dead. I called him again, but found that it was now switched off. When I called the Withered Peaks reception, I was told that Josh Kelly wasn’t available and that there was no other information on him. I felt terrible. I was scared that he’d been hurt in the struggle and a thousand images of his battered body hit me simultaneously.

Only an hour ago I had been filled with such glorious hope, and now it had been dashed upon the cliffs of folly. He’d killed his girlfriend. He’d broken the most sacred commandment: he’d committed murder. It wasn’t that I judged him for his terrible affront to mankind; I would have readily held his hand and guided him toward redemption. But I could never do that loving him at the same time. And that’s what was happening; I was falling in love with him. I was floating down into the unknown abyss of love and had to let go of him, swim back to the surface before it was too late. A murderer, one who had never received any punishment, who had never confessed to it, I couldn’t stay by him. He had admitted himself that he would one day tell me, but I would surely be all the way down at the bottom of the abyss by then.

Was he counting on that? I wondered.

My father came into the study and when he put his arm around me, I shrugged it off.

“Karl was only concerned is all, Sarah,” he said.

“Please, don’t talk,” I sobbed. “Don’t make me feel hatred toward you as well in this moment. I just want to be left alone. I called Josh just now. I won't be seeing him again. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? That's what all of you wanted.”

“Okay, sweetie,” he said, before kissing me on the crown of my downcast head and leaving.

I gazed out of the window of the study and wanted so much to fly out of there, leave the wheelchair behind as I glided away, escaping toward the stratosphere. A collision of emotions was playing out some kind of war inside my head and I merely wanted to escape the seemingly endless battle. Had I been right to dismiss Josh so easily? Should I not dismiss it all, call him up and tell him I was wrong and that I would stick by his side till the end? Isn't that what people do who are in love? Because I am, I’m falling for him. I see myself in him. I see my whole world, my whole future shining back at me from his crystal eyes.

“What have I done?” I asked myself out loud as I gazed forlornly at the sky outside.

“Go to him,” a voice inside of me whispered. “Go to him and listen to what he, himself, has to say about this.”

A pang hit me like a lightning strike in my brain. What happened in that room with her, I suddenly wanted to know, the five minutes before the shot? Everything I’d heard on that tape had talked about what had happened around her death. But not once was the actual event explained. There’d been an argument. Then a locked door. A gunshot. Then the door was unlocked and they found Josh standing over the body with the gun. But what happened in the interval between the door being locked and when the gun was fired?

This thought invaded my mind and a new resolve struck me. I turned my chair around and headed out of the study. When I was in the hallway I called my sister Kay. When she reached me, I asked her if our father was in the house and she said that he’d just left.

“Good,” I replied. “Are you busy?”

“No.”

“Then can you take me back to Withered Peaks?”

“I don't see why not. Is it something to do with what Karl said to you? He looked real upset when he left. Hardly even said goodbye.”

“It does, but I’ll tell you later,” I informed her. “Can we leave now?”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll get the keys to the minivan.”

Ten minutes later we were driving toward the facility. I called Josh’s mobile while we made our way there, but found it still switched off. So I called the reception and they informed me that he was heavily sedated and in lockdown. I pleaded with them to let me see him and they ended up putting me onto the phone with Devin, his caseworker.

“Hello,” he said, “and who is this?”

“My name’s Sarah Dillinger, I’ve visited Josh several times lately.”

“Okay, but I fail to see what that has to do with things.”

“I need to see Josh. I have to talk to him.”

“Josh is in a bad way at the moment,” he answered calmly. “We’ve had to isolate him from the other patients and sedate him. He became violent after suffering an episode.”

“That’s because of me,” I stated into the phone. “It was me that he was on the phone to. I triggered his episode. I think if you let me talk to him, I can calm him down.”

“We don't usually allow people to see patients while they’re in lockdown.”

“Please,” I pleaded into the phone. “If I can just talk to him. Please.”

“I don't know. It would violate staff code.”

“Devin—that’s your name?”

“Yes.”

“Devin, have you ever been in love?”

“Of course,” he let out in an affronted tone. “I have a wife and two beautiful children.”

“And if you needed to talk to your wife because only you could help her, wouldn't you do everything you could to make that happen?”

“Yes, I would.”

“Then all I’m asking is ten minutes with him. Just ten minutes.”

Devin seemed to muse on it for a moment and I sat chewing my lip.

“Okay. Just ten,” he finally stated.

“Thank you.”

We arrived at Withered Peaks, and when Kay wheeled me into reception, Devin was waiting for us. He wore a slightly worried look on his face as he greeted me.

“Only one of you can come with me,” he said to us.

“I’ll wait here,” Kay stated.

Devin began wheeling me along the corridor further into the place than I’d ever been. As we went along, he informed me of Josh’s current state.

“He’s very agitated at the moment,” he was saying. “He was unconscious for ten minutes, but he’s active now, though he’s strapped down and a little woozy.”

“Strapped down?” I inquired.

“Yes, we have a chair that we only use in extreme cases when we think a patient may hurt themselves.”

At that point, I began hearing muffled shouting coming from further down the corridor and realized that it was Josh.

“As you can see,” Devin said, regarding the noise, “he’s very agitated at the moment. Out of curiosity, what was it that you said to him?”

“I said I never wanted to see him again.”

“Oh! And you still don’t?”

“I don't know. I just need to speak to him on my own.”

Upon reaching the door, I could hear him screaming out on the other side, a list of profanities—that I won’t repeat—raging out of the room.

“You have ten minutes,” Devin said as he unlocked the door with his keycard.

Inside, it was completely bare, just four white walls and a white ceiling, so that it gave you the impression that the room was endless. In the center of it was a contraption that looked half like a dentist’s chair and half like an army cot. In it was Josh, straps covering his whole body all the way down to his feet, so that he was held completely in place.

He was facing the other way, so that he couldn’t see us entering. When he heard the door open, his shouting became even more intense and I heard the full effect as he vented it at the limitless walls. His whole body fought against the strapping and he pushed it up at the chest with all his strength, even though this was clearly futile. It wasn’t until Devin wheeled me around the front of him that he stopped, instantly. His face red and raging, his lip cut in a few places and one of his eyes black and closed over, obviously the injuries of his earlier struggle. Seeing me, his mouth stopped sharp, his bulging eyes softened and his glare dissolved into a simple gaze.

“Sarah,” he muttered in a slurred voice, an effect of the sedatives.

“Hey, Josh,” I said gently. “You good?” I added sarcastically.

He grinned, displaying his blood-coated teeth.

“I’m peachy,” he remarked still grinning. “I’m just having a nice relaxing lie down as you can see.”

“It looks relaxing.” I then turned to Devin and asked, “Can’t you release his straps?”

“That all depends on Josh,” he replied. Addressing Josh, he added, “Josh, if I release the strapping are you gonna promise me that you’ll remain calm?”

“Yes, I just want to talk with Sarah,” he stated in a placid tone. “That’s all I want.”

“Can we go to the gardens?” I asked Devin.

“Only if I go with you,” Devin replied. “I won’t stay too close, but I feel Josh perhaps needs to be kept an eye on.”

“I’ll be good, boss,” Josh said. “Promise.”

Devin sighed and reluctantly said okay. He released Josh’s straps and then helped him out of the chair. When his feet hit the ground, Josh’s knees went a little weak, and Devin had to cup him under the arms to keep him upright. Once he’d gotten his balance, Devin let him go and Josh stood in front of me. I noticed how ripped his clothing was, as well as being coated in blood.

“As you can see I’m not looking my best,” Josh remarked, observing that I was looking him over. “But you should see the other guys!”

“I’m sorry, Josh,” I said gently. “I should have spoken to you directly.”

“It’s okay, Sarah. You don't have to apologize for anything. I’m just glad you're here. We’ll go to the garden and talk. Okay?”

“Of course,” I said.

Devin pushed me out into the garden, Josh too weak to do so. Having reached the ponds, he slumped down onto a bench and Devin went and sat some way from us on another bench, so that he was out of earshot but could keep an eye on things.

“Well, I guess you want to know what happened in Mexico seven years ago?” Josh asked after a brief pause between the two of us.

“I do. I feel that there’s more to it all.”

“I’m afraid in order to explain it all so you’ll understand, I have to start at the beginning.”