CHAPTER FIVE

AFTER THANKING THE LORD FOR his guidance in today’s Mass, and after all the refreshed and repented parishioners have left, I still have so much more to do. Namely, swimming through all the lost souls waiting their turn for the confessional.

Feeling the weight of this past week, and seeing Scarlet sitting in the front like she always does, but in a new light, I feel my soul is tainted. I’ve seen more of her than I should. Only her God or husband-to-be should see what I now have. Yes, I’m the divining rod to the Lord in this house of worship, but it was not something of mine. It was a just trial. I passed through the test, only barely.

As the first person enters the confessional, I walk over. He’s not a member of our usual congregation, but I did notice him at the beginning of the day. The rest of the penitents are giving privacy by staying in areas closer to the front, away from where the absolutions are considered. Touching the edge of a scar, just by my wrist, I say a silent prayer to give me strength of will through all of it.

Acknowledging them as I pass by, I tuck the front of my cassock low to hide my marks. These are my penance, and no one but God’s to know of.

Stepping in, I settle on the bench and slide the window screen back. “Hello, my child.”

“Hello, Father. Forgive me for my sins. This week has been especially difficult, and I’m afraid my penance will be great,” the man on the other side of the screen states.

“Tell me, son, and I will let God be the judge of your absolution.”

“Well, Father, I…I coveted another woman.”

“In what way did this occur?”

“You see, Father, my wife and I have been married for five glorious years, and in that time, we’ve tried everything in our power to become parents. Not one of the trials, tests, or products have been able to assist in our attempt to nurture a child of our own.”

“Have you thought of adoption?”

“We have, Father, but it’s something that we felt was our last resort. Why would God not grant it to us? We have always been devout children in the house of God.”

“Perhaps it is God’s will that you assist a child to be with a family that was not intended originally for them. Show them the love you would for any child.” Pausing, I hear him sobbing softly. “This sin you speak of, it has been a heavy burden to bear, has it not? Tell me of the sin.”

I’d always felt that Scarlet would make a fantastic mother. She’s kind, soulful, devout to our God, and would be understanding of the needs I have. But I’ve never considered it mine to own. God’s will has kept me on this path.

The discomfort in my cock increases as I think of Scarlet in a way that is not mine. As the scabs pull at the skin, reminding me that she’s not something for me to covet, I continue with the penitent. “Continue, son. I can’t ask for your forgiveness and allow your absolution without knowing the sin you speak of.”

“There’s a woman in our bible study group that has plagued my dreams. Her milky soft skin, her caramel eyes, beautiful hair that is perfection. She makes me want her. I’ve had impure dreams that continued on to my waking hours. My thoughts and dreams are plagued, Father. I haven’t touched my wife in weeks. Help me, please. Help me find serenity.”

His mind is fouled and his soul is as tainted as mine. This will require a sacrifice of the soul to expunge the devil. Do I feel for him? Yes. Do I wish that a family of my own were in the cards? Yes. I wish to undo the past and to correct my previous flaws.

Scratching open the scars, feeling the skin burn, I remind myself that it is a sin to covet that which is unattainable. “You need to attend your wife. Take her to dinner, make her dinner, or simply invite her to coffee. Talk. Find a common ground where you can speak of the ideas that plague your heart. Repel the devil that is staining your marriage.”

“Yes, Father.”

“Yes, a family is important, but you did not in your vows of marriage promise to give her children, nor did she promise that to you. It was a promise to love in sickness and in health. This is a sickness that you need to overcome. Repeat after me, son, ‘I will work on my marriage, giving my wife the due she is deserving of.’ Say three Hail Mary’s for three days, and work on loving your wife. As well, I would suggest you find a way to avoid the bible group for a while. Just until you can feel secure in the denial of her flesh.”

Wiping away the tears from his face, he repeats the line I requested before saying, “Thank you, Father, for your guidance and support. God has selected a correct guide to help his lost and wandering souls.” Rising from the booth, he leaves. I feel satisfied in the outcome for the man. Hopefully, when he returns to us next week, he will feel better in his marriage and his relationship with God. He’s been selected for trials that are difficult for many.

As a new parishioner steps in, I see it is a woman. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. This week marks the fifth week since my last confession and I’m in need of your guidance.”

“Tell me, my child.”

As she goes through the list of her extensive sins, I catalogue and give directions for her penance according to each sin. They’re as most of our locals, that of debauchery, willful harm of another, theft, and jealousy. After she has left, I too feel jealous for the lives they lead. Each are wandering through life with disregard for those they harm. They pause by their rectory, as if we’re a Starbucks drive-thru for their sins to be cleared away, only to begin anew. We’re the entrance to hell now. All the dangerous and foul creatures that enter my confessional I feel for, but at the same time, I believe that truly none feel penitent.

As the last is cared for, I return to my residence to accept and absolve myself of the sins that have plagued my own soul today. Setting it all out as neatly as the last day, I prepare my meal, my station in front of the dying fire, and ask God for forgiveness. “Today was difficult, Father. Why do you torture me with souls that I cannot look to save? They are not redeemable. Their souls are tainted from years of fake absolutions and it tires me. Please, free me from this.” Cutting a deep line along my forearm, I feel the rush of the blade as it peels raw skin. Dripping to the deeply stained, yet cleansed towel, my soul feels no lighter.

“Has it not been enough?” After the raw beating that I gave my member the past Tuesday, I have yet to touch it in a releasing way. I’ve felt the acceptance from the blood leeching out, and that nothing more was required. Why tonight does he feel more is needed? “Perhaps, Father, I had coveted jealousy in my heart. Was wishing for a family of my own wrong?” I feel the rush of my savior accepting my further need for penitence and understand. “Yes, I understand, Father.”

Unclasping my pants, feeling the tight skin that is aching to be left alone, I understand my wants are not my own. For true absolution, I must do as requested. Stroking it slowly at first, pushing past the pain, it grows engorged. A deep relief is felt within me, but it’s not enough, not yet. That I know. Gathering up one of the serrated blades, pushing my trousers to the floor, I drag the edge along the inseam of my leg. Matching one’s previously, the jagged line seeps ichor. Groaning out at the release, tightening my grip, I think of Scarlet. She would be proud of me for finding a way to expel the demons that taint my soul, that make me a darkened soul in the army of the devil.

Pushing and pulling harder and harder, I cut another, then another, before finally releasing into the soot. I growl out, feeling absolved of my past transgressions.

As the final spasms shudder my earthly form, a knock at the door surprises me. No one bothers me in the residence. It’s been expressly requested that once I retire, I am to be left alone.

The door creaks open. “Father, we need you.”

Scrambling to clear up my ritual evening activity, the person I’d hoped would never enter has.

“Oh. Father? I’m...” Averting her gaze, Scarlet’s voice is one of shock and pain before she gathers her composure. “I’m sorry, truly, but we need you immediately in the church.”

Wiping down my arm and leg, pulling up my trousers, I rise from the floor, directing my attention fully upon her. “What is so important that you had to interrupt me in residence after hours, Ms. Grady?” Addressing her formally, her demeanor changes drastically.

“Father, if you’re finished with your…” Looking over my shoulder at the dinner laid out on a tray, “meal, we could use you for a poor soul that will need the last rites granted.”

Garnering my composure, gathering up my cassock and tippet, I follow Scarlet out to prepare a soul to meet its maker.