~ 6 ~
Max propped the guitar in the corner and walked to Renata. She didn’t want to sleep? Fine.
He pulled her to her knees on the bed and grasped her hip in one hand and her neck in the other. His kiss landed on her lips with the force of the wind battering the house. She met his passion with her own, wrapping her arms around his waist and sliding her hands down into the back of his pants, gripping his buttocks and bringing his hips to meet hers.
Max shoved Renata back on the bed and fell on top of her, searching for skin. She was still covered in a flannel nightdress and he hated it. Hated everything that kept her body from meeting his skin. Hated the distance between them. Her stubbornness. His resentment. Max sat back and grasped the bottom of the nightdress, shoving it up Renata’s body.
“Get rid of it.”
She pulled the flannel over her head and then she was his, lying before him, a dream of dark hair and long legs. Her reddish-brown hair splayed across the pillow. Her eyes were heavy and her lips already swollen from his kiss.
“I’m going to look at you,” he said. “It’s been two years, ten months, and four days since I’ve had the pleasure of it.”
“You’re—”
“Hard as iron?” He grasped his erection. “That’s not going anywhere.” He ran his palms from her knees up to her hips. “You, on the other hand, have a tendency to disappear.”
Max lifted her ankle to his shoulder and scraped his teeth on the tender skin behind her knee. She always jumped when he did that, and this night was no different. She reached for him, but he batted her hand away and pressed down on her belly, keeping her immobile as she lay before him. He played his tongue along her leg, up her thigh, tasting the arousal hidden by the soft hair between her thighs, but only long enough to leave her twisting. Then he spread her legs and kissed his way up her body.
“Max—”
“Quiet,” he said in a low voice as he shoved her knees open and settled between her thighs. “Did you miss me, Renata?” He guided himself into her body as her hips arched up and she let out a low gasp. “Did you miss this?” He seated himself to the hilt inside her, thrusting into her as he held her knee up, opening her body to him. “Did you?”
“Yes,” she hissed. Renata closed her eyes, her face a mask of tension and pleasure.
“Open your eyes.”
She obeyed him. Renata’s eyes met his, her gaze swimming in hunger, heat, and anger. She dug her nails into his buttocks, pulling him harder into her body with each thrust.
“Lisitsa,” he said with a grim smile. “Don’t you know I like your teeth?”
“Shut up.”
“No.” He took her mouth again, biting her lower lip as he rode her. He ground into her body, searching for the telltale signs she was near her climax. The hitched breath. The cry. The tightening of her body around him and the way her fingers dug into the small of his back.
He had been her lover for eighteen years. He knew every sign. Every tell.
“Don’t look away from me,” he said when she closed her eyes. “Don’t try to hide.”
She was the first and only woman he had ever dreamed about, the only one he obsessed over. Again and again, he returned to her, even when she pushed him away. Since the return of the Irina, there were others who had approached him, but none had been her equal.
He felt her climax approaching and he slowed his thrusts, smiling when she beat his shoulders.
“Don’t you dare!” she commanded him. “Faster.”
Max bent down and bit her shoulder as he picked up the pace, twisting his hips when he heard her cry out. She was so close.
“Maxim.” She panted his name. “Please.”
He could feel his talesm rising. Feel the magic thick in the air around them. If she were his mate, her marks would be glowing too. Their power would intertwine in this moment, and he would see his vow written over her heart, see his marks glow on her body. But the only mark she bore was that of her intended mate—a simple, spare circle on her forehead.
Max braced himself over Renata and let instinct take control of his body. He closed his eyes and lost himself in the pleasure. There was no thought. No calculation. He felt his release gathering. It was a wave, rising and cresting.
Her back arched when she came, and she cried out his name. He opened his eyes to watch her. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes. Relief? Pleasure?
Max didn’t know, but he gave in to it, capturing her mouth as his climax crested and crashed. Renata captured his guttural cry and swallowed it, her hand grasping the back of his neck to keep their mouths fused together.
Needing air, he pulled away. Max pressed his forehead against hers, to the mark another man had drawn. A mark that still glowed when he made love to her.
“Maxim,” she whispered, panting. “Max, I—”
“How long did he love you?” Max closed his eyes. “Two years? The blink of an eye. I’ve loved you so much longer.”
She froze beneath him, their bodies still linked.
“How many times did you cry out his name when he brought you pleasure? Not as many times as you’ve shouted mine.”
“Stop it.” Her voice was cold.
Max opened his eyes and saw the tears coursing down her cheeks, but his heart was raw. “Am I good enough yet? Have I loved you enough? Or am I only good for this?” He bucked his hips against hers. “Because nothing will ever compare to a reshon you loved and lost.”
He knew he’d hurt her, but the look in her eyes was only a shadow of the pain he’d felt when she rejected him in Vienna. When she’d told him his love wasn’t real, it had gutted him.
Max couldn’t take any more. He lifted off her body and wrapped a sheet around his waist as Renata scrambled to cover herself. The pleasure was hollow. He’d lost his temper and been too honest. Too rough. She’d probably never let him touch her again.
Maybe that was all right.
“I’m going outside for a smoke,” he said. “Don’t worry; I’ll sleep on the couch.”
Max sat on the covered porch that wrapped around the house. Heavy boards were nailed along the railings, creating a buffer from the wind and harsh snow. The storm that had picked up earlier in the evening had cleared, though Max could see more dark clouds over the far ridge. For the moment, the air was crisp and clear and the moon was full, glittering over the fresh snow in the meadow.
He sat on a log bench and blew out a stream of smoke from the cigarettes he’d bought in Milan. They were a fancy variety and an indulgence. He didn’t smoke often, but the scent reminded him of his grandfather’s pipe tobacco, and it was welcome on the cold night.
If the weather was clear, he’d hike down the mountain in the morning.
He was a fool.
Renata had dug into her anger and grief like the ancient singers had dug into the mountain. It was part of her, and he was only an amusement. He’d never be enough for her, because she’d tasted life with her reshon. Making love to him probably felt like a shadow of the connection they’d had, even if it was life changing for Max.
Yes, he was a fool. A fool for loving Renata for so long when she didn’t want to be loved. A fool for pursuing her across continents and up the side of a mountain. He should have believed her eighteen years ago and cut his losses. Maybe if he’d done that, he’d have found a mate who wanted him instead of a lover who tolerated him.
Maybe some griefs you simply didn’t recover from. Perhaps some lives were lost, even if the bodies stayed breathing. Renata had always felt so alive to him. Passionate and angry and joyous and fierce. But maybe he was only seeing what he needed to see and not what was actually there.
Max heard Renata’s footsteps on the stairs and knew from the speed and the hard stomp that she was angry. Furious.
He rose and turned toward the door a second before she flung it open.
“Fuck you!” she yelled, stepping onto the porch. “I’ve never once thought of Balien when we were making love. So fuck you, Maxim!”
His eyes went wide. “Get inside,” he yelled.
“No!”
“You’re going to freeze to death.” He flicked his cigarette into the snow and picked her up. “Are you insane?”
“Put me down,” she yelled. “I was born in these mountains, and I’m not going to freeze. I’m not some delicate lowland—”
“It is below freezing out here and there is more snow coming.” He rushed her into the house and kicked the kitchen door closed. Then he took her to the fire and grabbed a woolen throw from the back of the couch. “You’re insane.”
“And you’re an ass.”
“So you’ve told me many times.”
“You think you can throw all that on me and I’m just supposed to take it?”
He grabbed another blanket. “Shut up and get closer to the fire.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. You’re naked.”
“I have a sheet on. Just like you did when you walked out on me upstairs. Just like you walked out on me in Vienna.”
He sat back on his heels, mouth gaping. “Walked out on you?”
She muttered, “You were sitting out there brooding and thinking about ways to get down the mountain just now, weren’t you?”
“You told me in Vienna that I didn’t know what love was and I’d never compare to your lost reshon. Was I supposed to stick around after that?”
“You were supposed to find someone else!” Her eyes flashed. “You were supposed to find someone better, Max. I don’t want to rob you of the chance to—”
“What? Find my reshon? This shit again?”
“It’s not shit, and the fact that you think it is—”
“I don’t want some mythical woman who might not even exist!” He rose and gripped his hair. “Don’t you understand that? What about us is so horrible?”
“That’s not—”
“We laugh together. We fight together. I adore your cooking and think the fact that you have the patience of a gnat is hilarious, even when it drives me crazy. I love that you like a snowstorm more than a beach and you consider dagger fighting a sport. I love that you are fiercely compassionate and protective of your sisters. I love you! I love everything about you, even the parts that make me insane.”
“You say that because you don’t know. You deserve—”
“I deserve you.” He caged her on the sofa with his arms. “Because you’re the one I want. I don’t need anyone else. And I know you love me too.” He leaned in. “I know you do. That’s what makes me so damn crazy.”
She shoved him back and tore off the blankets he’d wrapped around her. “Of course I love you! That’s why I know this isn’t good enough, Max. I know I make you crazy. I know we drive each other up the wall. You want to live with that the rest of your life?”
He was struck dumb. Of course I love you. It was the first time she’d actually said it.
“There is a woman out there,” she continued, “created by heaven, who will be your perfect mate.” She choked on the last word and Max’s heart broke. “She’s made for you, Maxim. She will love you in ways I never could.”
Max whispered, “Renata.”
“Don’t!” She held up a hand. “I want you to imagine that for a moment. Really and truly imagine it. Imagine marking me as your mate. You can’t take that back, Max. That bond is only broken in death. Imagine marking me and then meeting her.”
Max wanted to put his mark on her more than anything in their dark and twisted world, but Renata was still talking.
“If I let this happen,” she continued, “let us happen—you will meet her and resent me for eternity for stealing that from you. Always knowing that she was your best match, your truest match, but instead you mated me.” She blinked away tears. “Are you enough? Max, that was never the question.”
“Don’t do this to us.” He walked to her and put his hands on her shoulders. “If you love me, don’t push me away.”
She pressed her hand over his heart. “I need to do what is right, even if you don’t understand why.”
Heaven above, her fierce heart. Renata had walls—plenty of them—but she was so ferociously protective. She owned him.
“You’re thinking about this backward,” Max said.
“What are you talking about?”
“Has it never occurred to you that my reshon was lost too?”
Her eyes went wide, and Max knew it had never crossed her mind.
“Renata, most of the women in our race were killed during the Rending. The Irin birth rate dropped almost to nothing after the Irina went into hiding. Maybe I do have a reshon out there, but the chances are greater that she’s gone.”
She said nothing, but he could see that his words had made an impact.
“Thousands of Irin have met and mated through our history with the mate of their choice. No one is guaranteed a reshon.”
Her face remained carefully blank.
“But beyond all that,” Max said, “we are creatures of free will. That is the gift that separates us from the monsters. And if we have a will, then my choice is you. It will always be you.” Max bent and kissed Renata’s forehead right over Balien’s mark. “And I’m sorry. I am sorry, Renata. I was angry and I shouldn’t have used him against you. That was wrong.”
“I’ve never compared you to Balien,” she said woodenly. “That’s not what this is about.”
“What we have—right here, right now, with each other—is precious. Maybe we aren’t reshon, but you can’t tell me we’re not meant. I love you and I want a life with you. I don’t want to wait when heaven has already given me a precious gift.”
She shook her head. “But if she is out there—”
“If she’s out there, then nothing. It’s you I want.” He squeezed her shoulders. “I would have you as my mate, Renata. I want that more than anything. And nothing would change that bond. You are my choice. You are the one I want. That is all that matters.”
Renata was silent.
“Say it again,” he whispered.
She frowned.
“Tell me you love me,” he said. “I’ve been waiting to hear it for a very long time.”
“I love you.” Her eyes were defiant and still a little angry. “Don’t ever question that.”
“And I love you. Think about that when you decide if you’re willing to make a home with me. Don’t think about what might be. Think about what is.” He wrapped his arms around her. “And you’re right. I was thinking about hiking down the mountain, but you changed my mind. You’re stuck with me now.”
They made love in front of the fire, and this time Max fell asleep with Renata wrapped in his arms. They slept long and hard, through the early morning when the snow and wind returned. They lay tangled together in front of the fire and listened to the wind together.
Sometime around dawn the next morning, Renata sang a soft song about Midwinter Night and the stars shining from the heavens. It was a song of praise and thanksgiving and hope for longer and brighter days ahead.
Outside of battle songs, it was the first time Max had heard her sing.