Portland, Oregon

Ten Years ago

JESSKA SHANE RUSHED out of the last class of her last year of high school and ran smack dab into her boyfriend of nearly four years. Seth chuckled as he wrapped his arms around her and lifted her off her feet. “Hi beautiful.”

Seth King was six-feet-tall with dark-blond hair, chocolate-brown eyes, and the epitome of a high school jock. Quarterback on the varsity team and top wrestler in his weight class, but also funny as hell, and a guy Jesska admired greatly. She’d met him the first day of Freshman year and they’d been inseparable ever since.

“Can you believe we’re done?” she asked, looping her arms around his neck and kissing him.

“None too soon,” he said as he set her on her feet again. “I can’t believe your parents are going to let you come to Paris with us.”

“Please.” She grinned. “I turn eighteen in a week, so it would be out of their hands then anyway.”

“Hey guys.”

They turned to see Seth’s best friend Jason jogging toward them. Jesska gripped Seth’s hand a little tighter. He glanced down at her with a frown, but she forced a smile and he focused back on Jason. “Hey, bud. You ready to lose at bowling?”

“You mean, am I ready to smoke you?”

Seth chuckled. “We’ll see. I take it you’re coming today?”

“Hell, yeah. I’m so over this dump... can’t believe I have to do a class over summer or I won’t graduate.”

Jason Rogers had been Seth’s best friend since middle school. A couple of years ago, Jason had started smoking pot (and Jesska was convinced he was doing harder shit), and decorating his body with tattoos and piercings, but Seth stayed close, hoping he’d turn a corner. His parents had both died of cancer, so Jason was forced to live with his grandparents, which didn’t seem to be going so well.

Jesska used to adore Jason, but lately he’d gotten weird, trying to corner her alone at school and touching her “accidentally.” In general, he just creeped her out.

“We’ll meet you there, bud,” Seth said.

Jason glanced at Jesska, but didn’t say anything as he nodded and strolled out the door toward the parking lot.

“Hey.” Seth squeezed her hand. “What’s going on with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You get all squirrely around Jase now. Did something happen?”

“Nope.” She shook her head and forced a smile. “Let’s go, Sethykins. I’m starving.”

Seth frowned, but he let it go. He always let it go, giving her space to tell him whatever she needed to tell him in her own time. Seth had driven this morning, so she tugged him out of the building and to his car. He opened the passenger door for her, but pulled her close before she climbed in, stroking her cheek as he smiled at her. “Do you know how much I love you?”

She nodded. “You tell me every day how much you love me, so I have some idea.”

He leaned down and kissed her, and she found her hands sliding under his T-shirt and up his back. She didn’t know if she could possibly ever love another human being as much as she did him. It was overwhelming at times.

“Get a room, losers!”

Jesska giggled, breaking the kiss and following the sound of her best friend’s voice. “Jealous much?”

Amanda Winkler had long, dark-red hair, thick and curly, the kind most folks tried to achieve with hot rollers and curling irons. She and Jesska had been best friends since freshman year when they sat next to each other in biology. Amanda laid her hands over her heart and groaned. “I’m so, so jealous.”

“Are you coming with us?” Seth asked.

“Not today.” She held up her keys. “I have Marilyn.”

Marilyn was Amanda’s VW Rabbit that was held together with duck tape and a prayer.

Seth chuckled. “Nice.”

“We’ll see you over there,” Jesska said.

“Sounds good.” Amanda climbed into her car and took off, the VW backfiring its way out of the parking lot.

“It’s getting worse,” Seth observed.

Jesska laughed. “I don’t get why she won’t just sell it and get something that isn’t destined to kill her one day.”

“Me neither.” Seth stepped back. “In you go.”

Jesska climbed into her seat and secured her seatbelt while Seth walked to the driver’s side. They took off toward the bowling alley on SE Morrison, which wasn’t far from their high school in downtown Portland.

The majority of Lincoln High School’s senior class squeezed into the large bowling alley, commandeering every lane available, although not everyone chose to bowl. Jesska gave Jason a wide berth, particularly because of the sidelong, creepy stares he managed to give her.

When Seth bowled another gutter ball, he shook his head good-naturedly and then frowned down at his phone.

“Everything okay?” Jesska asked.

“My sister’s locked herself out of the house,” he complained.

“Don’t your parents have that spare key... the one under the rock in the backyard?”

“Oh, they have three. All of which she still has in her car, which she has also managed to lock herself out of. Either I go help her or she has to call Triple A.” He shook his head. “I should make her call a tow truck.”

“You’re not far. Just go, babe.”

“It’s the principal of the thing.”

Jesska laughed. “I get it. Carly’s a little absentminded. Just go. I’ll play your turns.”

Seth smiled, leaning down to kiss her. “This is why I love you.”

“Because I’m a better bowler than you?”

“Yes, exactly.” He kissed her one more time and then left to help his sister.

Jesska bowled a strike and a spare with Seth’s next turns and then nature called, so she turned to Amanda. “Hey, Winky. Play my turn if I’m not back in time, okay?”

“You got it,” Amanda said.

Jesska finished up in the bathroom and took some time to fix her makeup. Stepping outside, she found Jason lurking.

“Hey,” he said, and pushed away from the wall.

“Hi.” She glanced around, her stomach churning to find them alone in the hallway. “Did you need something?”

“Um, yeah.” Jason gave her a leering smile. “You.”

He shoved her back into the bathroom and up against the wall, locking the door and pushing his thumb into her throat. “If you scream, I will press on this vein right here and make you pass out.” He kissed her neck and she tried not to cry out.

“Stop, Jason. Don’t do this,” she whispered, hoping someone would bang on the door and interrupt him.

“Come on, Jess, you know you want this. I don’t know why you’re fighting it.”

When he kissed her, she bit his lip and he yelped, but still managed to keep hold of her. He slapped her. “Bitch!”

She had shifted so she was in a better position, but he had her so tight, she didn’t have any leverage. “No!” she screamed. He hit her again, but at least it meant he had to back up a bit. With all the strength she could muster, she kneed him in the groin and ran. She heard him yell obscenities as the bathroom door closed and she rushed back to the group.

“Jess, you okay?” Amanda asked. “Oh, my god, your lip is bleeding. What happened?”

Jesska laid her fingers over her swelling mouth. “Jason just attacked me.”

Amanda glanced at something over her head. “Okay, Seth’s back, let’s go tell him.” She wrapped an arm around Jesska and led her to Seth.

“Babe? What happened?” he asked, studying her face. “Come outside for a second where it’s quiet.”

She nodded and let him lead her out to the parking lot, bursting into tears as she slid into his arms.

“Oh, babes, tell me what happened,” he said.

“Jason attacked me in the bathroom.” She shook her head. “Shoved me into the ladies’ room and locked the door.”

“What the hell?” He stroked her back. “Is he still in there?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m so sorry, Seth.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Because I don’t know if I did something to make him think—”

“Is this why you’ve been so weird around him lately?” He stroked her cheek.

She nodded. “He does stuff like rub against me, but then is all apologetic like he didn’t do it on purpose, and I can’t prove he’s being a perv, but he’s just so gross.”

“Bastard.”

“I’m sorry, Seth. I didn’t want to tell you in case I was wrong. I didn’t want to ruin your friendship.”

“It’s okay, babes. I’ll take care of it,” he said, his face forming a rather terrifying expression she’d never seen before. Anger and disgust twisted his normally smiling face into something she didn’t like.

“Can we just go home?” she asked.

“No. I need to have a conversation with my good friend, Jason.”

“Here? Now?”

“As good a time as any,” Seth said with a nod.

“Make sure you do it around other people. I don’t trust him not to hit you or something.”

“I can handle myself, Jess.”

“I’m not saying you can’t.” She grabbed his arm. “He’s just so slimy.”

Seth leaned down and kissed her gently. “Don’t worry. I’ll just end our friendship, tell him to stay the hell away from you, and we’ll go to Paris. Okay?”

Jesska smiled. “Okay.”

She followed him back inside and over to their group. Amanda raised an eyebrow in question as Seth dragged Jason aside, away from eavesdroppers, but still within sight.

“Is he going to kill Jason?” Amanda asked.

Jesska nodded. “I think he wants to.”

“Maybe he’ll leave you alone now. Good riddance, I say. I found your purse.” Amanda handed it to Jesska. “It was in the hallway.”

“Oh, thanks, Winky. I totally forgot about it.”

“I hope Jason doesn’t make a scene,” Amanda said. “He should just leave.”

“I know. But he’ll probably be all weird... he’s always weird.”

Jesska watched as Seth and Jason argued in the middle of the bowling alley, but what happened next was so out of left field, she wasn’t sure she could believe what she was seeing. When someone screamed, Jesska realized all too quickly, her world was about to come crashing down.

“Knife! He’s got a knife!”

As Seth collapsed on the floor, Jason took off, to where, she didn’t know and didn’t care. All she cared about was getting to Seth. Falling beside him, she saw blood flowing from his chest. She pressed her hands against it to try and stop the bleeding. “Someone call 9-1-1!” she bellowed.

“I’m on it,” Amanda said, her cell phone to her ear.

“Seth, come on Sethykins, open your eyes.”

He blinked his eyes open with a grimace. “I didn’t count on a knife,” he rasped.

“I know,” she said. “Try to stay awake, okay? Paramedics are coming.”

“Hey, I love you.”

She forced back tears. “I love you, too.”

He coughed. “I can’t breathe.”

“Help’s coming.” She pressed harder on his wound.

He closed his eyes again, his breathing labored.

“Open your eyes!” she screamed. “Open your goddamn eyes.”

He did, but they were glassy. “Tell my family I love ’em, okay?”

“No! No, I won’t tell them anything. You’re going to tell them,” she sobbed. “You’re going to be fine. We’re going to get married and have lots and lots of babies.” His arm dropped to his side and Jesska shook her head. “Seth King, you open your eyes right now! Right this minute!”

Gentle hands wrapped around her arms and tugged. “Jess, the ambulance is here.”

She glanced up to find the EMTs wheeling a gurney in and opening their bags. “Miss, if you’ll give us some room.”

Jesska nodded, stumbling to her feet and into the arms of her friend. Once they had Seth loaded onto the stretcher, she tried to follow, but the paramedics wouldn’t let her.

Amanda turned her around. “We need to call his parents. And yours. Jess! We need to call your parents.”

Jesska nodded. “I’ll get my purse.”

“No, wait.” Amanda pulled her back. “You’re covered in blood.”

“What?”

“Blood. You have blood on you. I’ll get your phone, okay? Here come the police. We’ll tell them what we know and then we’ll get you cleaned up.”

Jesska didn’t fully understand everything Amanda was saying, but nodded her head and stayed where she was. She managed to give the police a statement, at least she thought she did, and then Amanda was guiding her to the bathroom and helping her wash her hands. She held out a bright green hoodie someone had retrieved from Marilyn, and Jesska stared at it, not sure why she needed it. Amanda helped Jesska remove her blood-soaked shirt and then, much like a mother did for a child, slid the hoodie over her head and guided her arms into the sleeves.

“Jess?”

“Hmm?”

“I called your parents.” Amanda shoved Jesska’s soiled clothing into a plastic bag and handed her her purse. “They said they’ll meet you at the hospital, okay? Come on, I’ll drive you.”

Jesska nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

She prayed the whole way to the hospital, truly believing that Seth would be fine. He’d come out of surgery a little battered and stitched up, and maybe they’d have to postpone Paris, but they’d just go a little later in the summer. Everything would be okay.

“We’re almost there,” Amanda said.

Jesska smiled. “Thanks for taking care of me, Winky.”

“Always, buddy.” Amanda glanced at her with a smile and then focused back on the road.

“Seth’s going to be so mad.”

“About?”

“Having to postpone Paris.”

“Huh?”

“He’ll probably need some time to recover,” Jesska said. “Even as much of a badass as he is, I don’t think he’ll be able to go to Paris in two weeks.”

“No, I wouldn’t expect so,” Amanda said.

Jesska pulled her compact out of her purse. “Why didn’t you tell me how bad I looked?”

“Jess, it doesn’t matter what you look like.”

“I can’t have Seth waking up and seeing this.” Jesska didn’t know if Amanda said anything, more interested in fixing her appearance for Seth. Jesska focused on making herself look as perfect as possible. She wiped at a wrinkle on the borrowed hoodie, grabbed a wet towelette from her purse to try to get some of the blood off her jeans. Her need for everything in its place was on overdrive and anyone watching her would have understood why her siblings had taken to calling her “Messka.” She hated disorder or dirt of any kind.

“We’re here,” Amanda said, and opened her door.

Jesska climbed out of the car, shoving her compact back in her purse as she followed Amanda into Emergency and to the nurses’ desk. “We’re looking for Seth King.”

“Jess.”

She turned to find her half-brother, Cameron, rushing toward her. Cameron Shane was tall, dark, and one of the nicest people on the planet. A musician by passion, but having graduated the police academy a few years earlier, he was working towards his detective’s badge and played at church on the weekends to “always remember what was important.” He was just about perfect in Jesska’s mind. The epitome of the best big brother a girl could ever hope for. She’d always had a bit of hero worship toward him.

“Cam, what are you doing here?” she asked.

“I was close by, but Dad’s on his way.” He pulled her in for a hug. “What happened?”

“Seth and Jason were arguing and Jason stabbed him,” Jesska said. She refused to feel anything beyond this bare fact. There was only one possible outcome. “I just need to know how long his recovery time is going to be and how soon they can throw Jason in jail.” She looked up at him. “We’re going to Paris.”

“I know, sissy.”

“Seth King? We’re looking for Seth King.” A woman’s frantic voice broke through Jesska’s haze.

“If you will just take a seat, ma’am, someone will be out to speak with you shortly,” the nurse said.

“Mrs. King,” Jesska called.

“Oh, Jess, honey. Do you know anything? What happened?”

Jesska relayed the story, trying to give accurate information.

Seth’s mom fell into one of the seats, her face ashen as tears streamed down her cheeks. Seth’s dad arrived within minutes, and Jesska found herself having to relay the story again.

She started when Cameron wrapped an arm around her shoulders and forced her to sit down. “What are you doing?” she hissed.

He gripped her chin gently. “You’re in shock, Jess. This is going to hit you, and when it does, I want you sitting down.”

Jesska’s heart raced when a doctor approached Seth’s parents, pulling a chair up to sit facing them. “We did everything we could.”

“So, he’s okay, right?” Jesska jumped in.

“I’m sorry. No. We couldn’t save him.”

“No,” she whispered as Seth’s mother melted down beside her. “No. Wait, doctor, can you try again? Jason only stabbed him twice. People survive that kind of thing all the time.”

“The knife pierced the heart, unfortunately, and he bled out before he got here. There was nothing we could do. I’m sorry.”

“No!” Jesska rasped. “No, no, no, no.”

“Can we see him?” Mrs. King asked, reaching out to squeeze Jesska’s hand.

The doctor nodded. “We’re getting him cleaned up, and if you’d like to see him when we’re done, then yes, you can.”

Jesska stared at her brother, not sure what she was supposed to do. She felt like her body was on fire and there was a buzzing in her brain whenever she tried to think... put any of this into some form of order. It was like the walls were closing in on her and she was claustrophobic.

* * *

Cameron sat beside his sister, watching her as the shock wore off. Her body started to shake and as she rocked back and forth in her seat, she kept saying Seth’s name over and over again. He glanced up at her best friend. “Amanda, would you please ask the nurse for a bucket or something?”

Amanda nodded and rushed to the nurses’ desk. She returned with a plastic container and Cameron slid it onto Jesska’s lap just before she threw up.

“How did you know?” Amanda asked.

“It can happen during shock,” Cameron said. “I’ve seen it before.”

The doctor returned to take Seth’s parents back to see him, but knelt before Jesska first.

He took her pulse and called for someone to bring her a blanket. “I think we should sedate you.”

She shook her head. “No. I want to see Seth.”

“I can’t let you do that, I’m afraid. Only immediate family.”

“But...” She burst into tears. “I want to see him. Please, can I see him?”

“Jess, I think it would be harder on you if you see him like this,” Cameron said. “You want to remember him alive and well, right? He’d want to protect you from those types of memories.”

“Shut up, Cameron! You don’t know anything. I want to see him.” She stared at Mrs. King. “Please can I go with you? Please.”

“Sweetheart, you’re not eighteen yet,” Mr. King said, his wife obviously unable to answer. “But if your parents say it’s all right, then I have no problem with you seeing him, okay?”

Jesska nodded, falling against Cameron before throwing up again. A nurse brought a clean bucket, removing the soiled one. The Kings went back with the doctor, and Jesska completely broke down. She sobbed uncontrollably and her body shook, despite the blanket. Cameron planned to talk to his father about getting her some heavy-duty sedatives to get her through a few days.

Their father arrived not long after Seth’s parents left the emergency room. He sat down beside Jesska. “Is he okay?”

Cameron shook his head.

“They said he died, Daddy,” Jesska mumbled. “But I don’t believe them. I want to see him.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“Mr. King said I could see him,” she said. “He said if you said it was okay, I could see him.”

“Shhh, sweetheart,” their father whispered. “People are starting to stare.”

She forced herself to her feet and waved her hands around. “I don’t give a rat’s ass if people are starting to stare at me! I want to see him! I have to see him!”

Cameron stood, retrieving the dropped bucket from the floor and pulling his sister into his arms. “Okay, Jess. It’s okay.”

“I want to see him.”

Cameron caught his father’s eye and raised an eyebrow. His father shrugged, frowning, but gave him a reluctant nod.

“I’ll go with you, okay?” Cameron offered.

Jesska nodded into his chest. “Yes. Okay.”

“Sit with Dad for a minute and I’ll go talk to the nurse.”

She sat beside her father and Cameron made his way to the desk. “Hi. My sister would like to see Seth King. She’s been given permission by our father and Mr. King.”

“I’ll call back there and see what I can do.”

“I appreciate that,” Cameron said, and headed back to his sister.

A few minutes later, Jesska’s name was called and Cameron took her hand and led her through the automatic doors. She shuffled behind the nurse, and Cameron wondered if this was such a good idea.

* * *

As Jesska followed the woman down the hallway, she felt like she was in some kind of alternate universe. Her emotions swung from calm to panic every few seconds, mostly because she still didn’t believe that the love of her life was dead. Everyone had it wrong.

The nurse led her into a brightly lit room. Seth was lying face up, a sheet covering his lower body, his perfectly formed chest exposed, the blood that she remembered seeping through his clothing no longer visible. Just an open wound.

“He’s so pale,” she whispered. Cameron took her hand, but she pulled away and stepped toward Seth. She ran her hand up one of his chiseled arms, unprepared for how cold he felt. Laying her palm against his chest, she leaned down and kissed his cheek. “Wake up now, Sethykins. I think the joke has gone far enough. It’s not really funny anymore.”

He didn’t respond, and Jesska stared at him. Only, it wasn’t him. Everything that was Seth was gone. His essence, his energy, he was gone. She allowed the sadness to wash over her. She was going to feel this. All of it. She laid her cheek on his chest and let her tears fall.

“Jess?” Cameron said, gently. “I think we should go.”

“Just one more minute,” she begged as she kissed Seth’s chest, then his face again. “I love you, Seth King. I will love you always. You are it for me. I will never love anyone else. I will carry you with me forever and ever and ever.” With one last gentle kiss on his lips, she let Cameron lead her out of the room and then out of the hospital.

The next few days were filled with people, some Jesska knew, others she didn’t. Jason had been captured and was being held without bond until trial. The prosecutor would try him on first-degree murder, even though it wasn’t clear yet if his actions had been premeditated.

The night before Jesska’s graduation commencement, Seth’s parents arrived and asked to speak with her alone. She led them into the living room and sat facing them by the fire. Mrs. King looked exhausted and very, very sad.

“We have a few things for you, honey,” Mr. King said. “Things that Seth would have wanted you to have.”

“Okay.”

Mr. King took the paper bag he’d brought with him and set it on the floor. He pulled out a smaller gift bag and handed it to her. “I know he’d want you to have his promise ring. It’s probably far too big for you, so we bought you a chain in case you ever want to wear it.”

“Oh. Thank you,” she said, pulling the ring from the bag. It matched hers perfectly. They’d bought them together as an outward sign of their commitment to each other. She kissed it and held it against her chest.

“I have some photos in here that I know he’d want you to have. I made sure to scan them so we’d have copies, but thought you might like the printed versions. I would be happy to e-mail you the scanned versions as well.”

Jesska nodded. “Yes, please. Thank you.”

Mr. King then pulled out a small blue box and handed it to her. With shaking hands, Jesska took the gift and opened it. Inside sat a white-gold engagement ring with a diamond that was small, but perfect.

“He was going to propose to you at the top of the Eiffel Tower. He’d talked to your dad and had gotten permission... we had it all planned.” He reached out and squeezed her hand. “If you want to wear it, you can, sweetheart, but if you don’t, we understand that too.”

Jesska swallowed, trying to force back the tears.

“We’ll leave you to go through these other things alone. They were very special to Seth, and I know you’ll need some time.”

Jesska nodded, tears streaming freely down her face. Mr. King rose to his feet, helping his wife out of her seat, and Jesska walked them to the door. Before they left, Mrs. King wrapped her arms around Jesska. “You will forever be welcome in our family. Don’t ever feel you have to call ahead or tiptoe around us. We love you as a daughter, and that will never change.”

“Thank you,” Jesska managed to squeak out. Seth’s mother released her and stepped outside, her husband following after he’d hugged Jesska.

She closed the door behind them and dropped her forehead against the door.

“Jess?”

She faced her brother and wiped her tears. Cameron hadn’t left her side since that day. He’d even gone so far as to pack a bag and move into the guest bedroom. “You okay?” he asked.

She shook her head, sobs welling up in her that she didn’t think would ever stop.

Cameron pulled her against his chest. “Oh, Messka, it’s going to be okay.”

“No it won’t. It’ll never be okay,” she cried, and pulled away from him. “It’s my fault.”

“What do you mean?”

“If I’d just kept my mouth shut, they wouldn’t have argued, and Jason wouldn’t have killed him.” She dragged her nails up her arm, relishing the pain. “If I’d just said nothing, he’d be here with me. We’d be planning our trip and then getting married. It should have been me that died. Not him.”

“What can I do?” he asked, his eyes searching hers. He was always wanting to fix things.

“Just leave me alone. Please. I just need to be alone.” She grabbed the bag that Mr. King had brought and ran upstairs to her room, slamming the door behind her and collapsing on her bed in a puddle of tears. She opened the little blue box and stared at the engagement ring before lifting it out of the satin and sliding it on her finger. The ring clinked as it touched her promise ring, and it fit perfectly. Of course it did. Seth knew her better than anyone, and did everything right all the time.

With a determination she didn’t really feel, Jesska forced herself to sit up. She gently poured the contents of the paper bag onto the middle of the bed. She sorted everything into chronological order. Her OCD tendencies were the only thing helping her to cope at the moment.

She smiled, running her finger over the face of the little teddy bear holding a heart that she’d given Seth on their first Valentine’s Day. She remembered being so nervous. She’d never given a boy anything before, and she wasn’t even sure he liked her. But he’d surprised her with roses and, when their parents weren’t looking, he’d kissed her. It had been her first kiss ever and the first of many to come between them. She laid her fingers against her lips as the memories flooded her mind.

Jesska touched every item on her bed, committing the emotions to memory. Every picture tore at her heart more and more, but she forced herself to look at them, even though she thought she might die of sadness. A knock at her door sounded but she ignored it. It came again, and she scowled. “Go away.”

Her brother pushed open the door. “I brought you something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

Cameron set the tray on her desk and sat in her chair. “Jess, you have to eat. Megan and Sophia are downstairs, and Megan’s threatening to come up here and force-feed you.”

“Why?”

“Because you haven’t eaten in two days!” Megan pointed out as she forced herself inside.

“I thought you were downstairs,” Jesska grumbled. Her siblings were everywhere.

“I was. But now you’re going to eat.”

“I’m not hungry,” she insisted.

“Well, you have to eat,” Megan said gently as she pushed into Jesska’s room. Megan was in her forties, but barely looked thirty. Jesska thought she could have modeled, but law was Megan’s passion. That and her daughter, Sophia.

“I would just puke it up,” Jesska muttered.

“Cam, give us a minute, okay?” Megan said.

Cameron nodded, rising to his feet and walking out the door, pulling it closed behind him. Megan sat on the edge of the mattress and slid Jesska’s hair away from her face. “Did Seth’s parents give you this stuff?”

Jesska nodded.

Megan grasped her hand, staring at the ring. “Oh, Jessie, it’s beautiful. He did well, didn’t he?”

Jesska took in a quick breath and nodded. “Did you know, too?”

Megan nodded with a smile. “Dad told us the other night.”

“He was going to propose in Paris. I would have said yes.”

“I know you would have, honey.” Megan grabbed the plate from the tray and set it in front of Jesska. “I would like to know about everything on your bed, but I want you to tell me all the stories while you eat, okay?”

“I can’t, Megan.”

“Yes, you can.” She held up the teddy bear. “What’s this from?”

“It’s from our first—”

“Eat,” Megan demanded.

Jesska rolled her eyes and bit into a chip. She grabbed another one as Megan held up something else that interested her. Megan didn’t stop asking questions until Jesska went to reach for a chip and her plate was empty. She’d polished off the sandwich, chips, even the pickle, without even realizing it.

“You did it,” Megan said, and took her plate from her.

Jesska took the water she offered and took a swig before nodding. “I guess I did, huh?”

“How do you feel now?”

“My headache’s better.”

“I bet it is,” Megan said. “Tomorrow’s the big day.”

“I’m not going.”

“Do you think Seth would have wanted that?”

“Don’t pretend to know what my fiancé would have wanted, Megan.” Jesska dissolved into tears.

Megan raised her hands in surrender. “Okay, honey, I’m sorry.”

Jesska sighed. “No, I’m sorry. Everything is just so... I don’t know... pointless.”

Megan smiled. “The school is doing a tribute to Seth at graduation tomorrow, and I know that you’ll regret it if you don’t go. You might not think you will right now, but you will one day. I loved Seth. We all did. And I do think he wouldn’t want you holed up in this house forever. He’d want you to go on. He’d hate to think you missed your ceremony because of him. He loved you, honey, and he would have wanted the best for you.”

“Well the best would have been for him not to die, Megan! I can’t live without him.”

“I know it feels like that right now,” Megan placated. “But unless you’re planning to do something to do yourself in, you will find a way to move on, honey, I promise.”

“Like anything I try wouldn’t be interrupted by the hovering Shanes,” Jesska complained.

Megan gasped. “Is that... are you wanting to do something?”

“No, Megan,” Jesska said in irritation. “Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself. At least not quickly.”

Her sister grasped her hands. “Look at me.” When Jesska met her eyes, Megan smiled. “If you ever feel like everything’s hopeless, you call me, okay? Anytime, any hour, any day.”

Jesska nodded.

“I’m serious, Jessie.”

“I get it,” she grumbled.

“Promise.”

“I promise,” Jesska said.

Megan squeezed Jesska’s hands and then stood. “Think about tomorrow, okay? We’ll all be there to support you. You won’t be alone. Dad said he canceled the after party, so you can just be with us.”

Jesska nodded. “I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I ask.” Megan gathered up the dishes and left the room.

For the most part, Jesska was left alone the rest of the evening. Cameron checked on her several times, but she guessed it was probably because Megan had told everyone to be on high alert.

Jesska did take a couple of her sedatives, something she’d been trying not to do, but the last two nights had been filled with horrific nightmares. If she did wake up and want to go to her graduation event, then she’d need to be rested. After emerging from her room just long enough to bid her family good night, she headed to bed, holding the tiny Valentine’s bear close to her as she drifted into a drug-induced sleep.

* * *

Awakening the next day, Jesska made the choice to put on a brave face and join her class for commencement ceremonies. Her family oohed and ahhed as she walked into the family room in her red graduation cap and gown.

There was a lightness in the air during the ceremony, something Jesska thought she’d never experience again. Guilt welled up within seconds, and she stamped down her brief bit of levity. She was alive. He was dead. She had no right to be happy, even if it was for a second.

She shut herself down during the tribute, shut down even further when they called Seth’s name and his father accepted his diploma on his behalf. She bit the inside of her cheek, trying to stay focused enough to hear her name. She felt a tap on her shoulder and then Amanda nudged her forward when her name sounded.

“Jesska Shane,” the principal said again.

Jesska lifted the ring attached to the chain around her neck and kissed it. “I love you, Sethykins,” she whispered as she walked on stage, took her diploma, and shook the principal’s hand. She heard her family hooting over the crowd, but she refused to allow herself to feel their joy. She forced a smile and headed to the opposite side of the stage.

This is for you, Seth. Everything I do from now on will be for you.

* * *

The day she and Seth were scheduled to go to Paris arrived with a rare summer rainstorm. Jesska couldn’t get out of bed. Her sadness so overwhelming, she could barely open her eyes. Her parents had been arguing for close to a week about “what to do with Jesska,” and at this point, she didn’t care if she never opened her eyes again, she just wanted out of her life.

Feeling overwhelming guilt, she slid out of bed and walked on aching legs to her bathroom. She hadn’t realized just how much inactivity caused pain in a person’s extremities. She opened her medicine cabinet and swore.

“Where the hell are you?” she grumbled as she went through every drawer, every cabinet, every crevice she could think of without luck. She sat on the toilet lid and dropped her face in her hands. Her parents had found it... damn it!

She gasped quietly. They’d found it. She had two more in her purse. She rushed to her bedroom and dumped the contents of her bag on her bed. The little blue box containing her relief landed on the duvet and fell upright like her saving grace. It had once held an engagement ring; now it held the peace she so desperately craved. She grabbed for it and locked her bedroom door before rushing back to her bathroom. Prying open the box, she carefully pulled out the razor blade and held it between her teeth. She had several wounds already healing on her arms and legs, evidence of her ongoing punishment. She deserved this. She was the reason Seth was dead. She’d killed the love of her life. If she’d just kept her mouth shut, he wouldn’t have tried to defend her honor. For now, she should hurt physically as much as she hurt emotionally.

Sliding her pajamas and undies off, she settled herself in the tub in an effort not to get blood on the tile, and set her foot on the spout. With a deep breath, she ran the blade down her inner thigh, whimpering at the pain, but soon feeling the emotional high and relief as it covered her.

I’m so sorry, Sethykins.

She closed her eyes and slipped into bliss.

A scream pulled her from her haze, and she blinked open her eyes to find her mother pressing on her leg. “Ow. Mom, what are you doing?”

“Goddammit, Jesska,” her mom hissed.

“Stop!” she snapped.

“I thought you found them all, Chip!” her mother bellowed.

“I thought I did too,” her father said as he walked into the bathroom.

“Dad, get out! I’m naked.”

“You should have thought about that when you tried to kill yourself,” he snapped.

Jesska glanced down at the tub streaked with blood and her mother holding a towel against her leg, the cotton now soaked red. She shivered, suddenly freezing. “What’s going on?”

“I need another towel,” her mother said.

“She’s in here,” Jesska heard Megan say. She tried to stand when two paramedics pushed into the bathroom.

“What’s going on?” Jesska screamed.

“You’re going to the hospital,” her mother said as she tried to keep the towel on Jesska’s leg.

“No! I’m fine. I don’t need to go to the hospital. I just need you to leave me alone.”

“Ma’am, if you’ll give us some space,” the young woman said, “I’ll take over putting pressure on her wound.”

“I’m fine.” Jesska couldn’t stand, partly from the blood in the tub making everything slippery and partly because her legs were shaking so bad, they couldn’t hold her weight.

The older man took her wrist to check her pulse, but she yanked it from him. “No! Go away,” she screamed. “Get away from me.”

“Ma’am, if she’s eighteen, we can’t force her to do anything,” he said.

“She’s not eighteen for two days,” her mother said. “I want her to get help. Whatever you need to do.”

“Shut up, Mom!” Jesska screamed. “Leave me alone!”

She screamed one more time as the needle went into her arm, and then there was nothing but black.

* * *

Jesska smacked her lips together, her mouth uncomfortably dry as she forced herself to open her eyes. Her head pounded, but when she moved to rub her temples, she realized she was stuck. Raising her head, she found her arms and legs in restraints.

“What the hell?” she grumbled, trying to make sense of her surroundings. A hospital maybe? “Hello? Help! Can someone help me?” she yelled. No one came, so she continued to call out.

A nurse walked into her room and gave her a gentle smile. “Hi there, hon. How are you feeling?”

“Why am I tied up? Where am I?”

The nurse checked her pulse. “You must be confused, huh? You’re in the hospital. Your parents have you on a seventy-two-hour hold. A doctor will be in to speak with you shortly. Is there anything I can get you?”

“Well, I’m dying of thirst, and I have to pee.”

“I’ll get you some water and a bed pan.”

“What? You can’t be serious. Why can’t I use the bathroom?”

“Because you tried to kill yourself.”

“No. I didn’t,” she insisted. “I just cut a little too deep.”

The nurse smiled again... that condescending, calm-the-beast smile. “Well, that cut nearly killed you, sweetie, so until the doctor can speak with you, I have to keep the restraints on. Are you hungry? I can bring you some pudding if you like.”

Jesska shook her head, tears slipping down her face. She wanted to rage. She wanted to tell the nurse where she could shove her pudding, but this woman was part of the key to the outside, and she wasn’t going to jeopardize her release.

The nurse patted her arm. “I’ll be right back.”

Jesska stared at the ceiling. The tiles evenly placed except one. The one wonky tile drew her attention mostly because it had a weird little yellow stain and it annoyed the shit out of her. Within minutes the nurse returned with a tray, followed by an older man in a white coat. Doctor, or loony bin attendant? She wasn’t sure.

The nurse raised Jesska’s bed so she was sitting up and then helped her with the straw so she could drink. Water had never tasted so good.

“I’m Dr. North,” the older man said. “I thought we could talk a bit and see how you’re feeling.”

“Is today Wednesday?”

“Tuesday,” he said.

“So, if tomorrow’s Wednesday, then you can only keep me here today, right?”

The doctor checked her chart. “That’s correct. You turn eighteen tomorrow.”

Jesska squeezed her eyes shut. “Get the paperwork ready, Doc, ’cause I’m out of here at midnight.”

“Unless I deem you’re a danger to yourself or others.”

“I’m good. No desire to hurt myself or anyone else.” That you’ll hear about, anyway.

“Well, let’s just have a chat and we’ll see how you’re feeling, okay?” The doctor pulled up a chair and typed something into the computer. “Why did you try to kill yourself?”

“I didn’t,” she stressed. The doctor raised an eyebrow and Jesska took a deep breath. “I really didn’t. I just cut a little too deep.”

“And why do you cut yourself?”

“You’re the shrink.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “You tell me.”

“This won’t work if you don’t tell me how you feel,” he pointed out.

“My fiancé was murdered in front of me. Yesterday we were supposed to go to Paris. I feel a shit ton of guilt. I’d imagine that’s why I cut myself.”

The doctor smiled. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

Jesska sighed and suffered through the next hour of probing questions. Her one saving grace was that the doctor ordered her restraints removed and she was able to take care of her own personal business and feed herself when it was time for dinner. She checked herself out the next morning, against medical advice, and then headed home. After packing a bag, she left her parents’ home and checked into a hotel, using money from a trust fund she received from her grandmother. She had enough money to look for and set herself up in her own place. She vowed never to return to her parents’ home and didn’t even look back as she drove away.