Chapter Four – Carter

“That was delicious,” Caroline said. She had eaten every last crumb off her plate, and now they were sitting on either side of the fire. She had put more wood on it after he had finished cooking, and the flames danced brightly, warding off the gathering dusk.

“I’m glad you liked it,” Carter said. “If you had tasted my cooking when I first came here, you would wonder how I ever survived.”

“You taught yourself?” Caroline asked. “I’m impressed.”

“I think that was what I liked so much when I moved here. There is something about knowing you have to do whatever it takes to survive that gives you a sense of self-worth.”

“A self-worth you didn’t have before?” she asked. “I mean all of those adoring fans craving your attention.” She smiled. “I looked you up on Google before I came here.”

“You did?” he asked, concerned.

“Only as far as I wanted to know what you looked like. You know, I didn’t know how many hermits there are in these mountains. I wanted to make sure I found the right one.”

He chuckled. “I’m surprised you recognized me.”

“The beard is a good disguise. But your eyes are the same. If a little more world weary.”

“World weary. That just about sums me up.” He got up and headed behind the cabin before returning with two bottles of beer. “Not quite cold, but still good.”

“Thanks.” She took a bottle from him and sipped it. “That is good.”

“Glad you like it. I made it myself,” he said proudly.

“I’m impressed. Now I see I underestimated you. I thought you had been wasting your time up here, but really you have been perfecting the art of making beer.”

“Is that sarcasm I hear?” Carter asked.

“Maybe a hint. It always makes the beer go down better,” she informed him with a grin.

“I’m liking you already, Caroline.” He raised his bottle and she did the same.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. “Why you came here…”

“Nope.” His answer sounded blunt even to his own ears. “I have spent so long trying to bury it all.”

“So rather than spending five years in therapy, you spent three years on a mountain.”

“Yes, I think the mountain is much more enjoyable than pouring your innermost thoughts out to a person who is being paid to listen,” Carter explained.

“Wow, I’ll tell that to my buddies who have suffered from PTSD.”

“Ahh, there I go again.” He grinned. “Everything I say is how I see it, how it relates to my life. Remember that is the only life I have had to relate to for years.”

“Would you rather I hadn’t come here?” she asked.

“No,” he replied quickly, not wanting her to ever think that he didn’t want her. He might be able to survive without other people, but now that he’d found his mate—or she had found him—he couldn’t let her walk away. “I just hadn’t reckoned on it … I don’t know if I can … find some way back.”

“Into movies?” she asked, a look of horror on her face.

“No,” he insisted quickly. “Unless you like the idea of walking along the red carpet on my arm?”

“No. I do not.” She looked down at herself. “This body does not do elegant. It barely does dresses.”

“Oh, I don’t know, that body looks just fine to me,” he said, the tone of his voice warm, smooth, inviting.

She raised both her eyebrows. “Smooth. Now I can see why you had women throwing themselves at you. See, there is a little glimmer of the old you inside.”

He sighed, and lay back, looking at the sky. It was the dark inky blue of dusk, the sun was setting behind them, and soon the stars would come out one by one, just as they did every night. “No, I don’t think there is any of the old me in here. I have no intention of going back to my old life.”

“Then be part of something new,” Caroline suggested.

“Now who’s smooth?” he asked. “Is this where you tell me to go with the plan that this Will friend of yours has come up with?”

“No.” She moved across to sit next to him, and tilted her head back to look at the stars too. “This is where I tell you to grab your life in both hands and go live it.”

Her voice was fierce, and he knew she meant it, and he also knew he would do as she asked, because how could he refuse when she was his mate? “What do you have in mind?”

“Nothing,” she replied simply. “Because it’s not what is in my mind that counts. I don’t know you. I don’t know anything about you other than you used to be a movie star and now you are not. You’ve been up here long enough. Thought about things. So you tell me, you must have some idea of what you want to do with your life.”

His shoulders slumped. “I don’t have a clue.”

“You must have some clue.”

“The only idea I have in my head right now is how I’d like to make love to my mate under the stars.”

“Is that a line from a movie?” she asked.

“No, that line is all mine.” He reached out and put his hand over hers. Caroline tensed and he knew she wanted to pull away. But she didn’t, she stayed put.

“I don’t know that I’m ready,” she said honestly.

“Do I sense I’m not the only one with demons?” he asked.

“I… I lost someone.”

“A lover?”

She shook her head. “No. Not a lover. But someone I loved.” She put her hand on her heart. “I came up here because I wanted to clear my head, put things in perspective.”

“You mean I was just an excuse?”

“Someone had to come.” She looked at him, sadness in her eyes. “We drew straws.”

He chuckled sardonically. “And you lost.”

“I saw it as winning. Four days to put things straight in my head. Since I left the army, I haven’t had that space.” She put her free hand up to her head. “You know?”

“I know.” He didn’t let go of her hand, but held it to give her what comfort he could. “And I screwed it up.”

“No. You complicated things.” She laid her head on his shoulder. “I’m just not ready. I can’t rush headfirst into this.”

“Then you should take your time,” he said, slipping his hand around her shoulder and kissing the top of her head. In his other life, he would have pushed her, talked her into letting go of her fears. But he wasn’t that man. That man was dead. “We have all the time in the world.”

“I used to think that,” she said, nestling against him. “But when Rich and his wife died, I realized that wasn’t true.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Me too.”

They stayed together in silence, watching the stars come out. It would have been incredible to make love to her here under the stars, on his mountain. However, he settled for the simple satisfaction of the warmth of her body against his. To hear her heart beating, to see the rise and fall of her chest. A part of him was waking up, a part of him that had been dormant for so long.

Carter wanted to fight it, to tell it to stay asleep. He didn’t need to feel. He didn’t need to gaze into the deep well of emotions he had hidden away. Carter knew they were there, a dormant volcano waiting to spew out all the guilt and self-loathing he had piled up. No matter how much he wanted Caroline, how much he wanted to believe in a new life with her by his side, if he left the mountain with Caroline, his old life, old self, would wake up too, and he would have to face up to the past he had run from.

He did not want to leave his mountain, but he was not ready to lose Caroline. Not when fate had brought her to him.

His bear stretched and rose up on his haunches. This was the time he would normally let his other side free. On nights when sleep evaded him, he would run wild and free across the mountains. Alone. But not tonight.

“Want to come explore my world?” he asked.

She turned to look at him, her eyes dilated as if she had been dreaming while she gazed at the fire. “Your world?”

“My mountain,” he said. “Run with me.”

“As a bear?” she asked.

“Yes. If you are a bear… I just presumed.”

“Oh, I’m all bear,” she replied. “It’s just been a long time since I’ve let her out for a long run. In new company.”

“Our bears have to get to know each other too.” Carter didn’t admit how nervous he was. Damn, he hoped his bear behaved and didn’t show them up. Up here, they had little interaction with other shifters, only real bears that lived deep in the mountains. This was going to be interesting.

And exciting, his bear said.

Carter got up and offered Caroline his hand. She took it, although he doubted she needed his help at all. He felt blessed to have a woman who was so independent as his mate. He only hoped she wasn’t so independent that she wouldn’t need him. A man had his pride, and while Carter wasn’t chauvinistic, he did want to feel like a man. A real man.

Instead of acting like one, his bear said with a chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” Caroline asked, seeing his smile.

“My bear.” Carter shook his head. “He never saw acting as the kind of profession a real man does.”

“What kind of movies did you make?” Caroline asked.

“Action movies.” Carter’s smile widened. “My bear thought I should do all my own stunts.”

“Oh, and you didn’t?”

“No. My insurance policy didn’t cover stunts.” Carter moved across to the fire and put it out, banking dirt over the embers. It left them in near total darkness. There was no longer a glow from the setting sun, only the twinkling of stars and the light from a sliver of moon that was still too low in the sky to illuminate the forest. “Now I have no insurance, so we do what we want.”

He shifted into his bear and cast one backward glance over his shoulder, watching Caroline shift into her bear, before leading her out of the clearing where his small cabin stood. Knowing exactly where he wanted to take her, Carter joined the trail he had made over the years, which wound through the pine trees, twisting and turning as the mountain slope became steeper. How many times he had followed this trail? He knew it like he knew himself, inside and out, backwards and forwards.

In his time of self-inflicted solitary confinement, he had looked at every facet of himself. It had been difficult at first to pull out each and every one of his flaws and look at them without judging himself. But he’d done it, to learn how he ticked, why he behaved the way he did, all to become a better person to learn how he handled himself. So that if the same situations ever came up, he would handle them differently.

He looked back at the large female grizzly who jogged along behind him. She was fit, well-muscled, with a sleek coat.

She is perfect, his bear said. She is ours.

Carter let his bear’s joy soar in his heart, let his newfound enthusiasm invade his head, and let his need for her possess his body. He shut out the fear that came with any thoughts of leaving the mountain. It would work out. It had to: he could not stay here forever, he’d already come to realize that, and Caroline was the catalyst that would propel him toward the next phase of his life.

Whatever that might be. Hiding from the world was over; it was time to face the world. But not tonight, tonight was for them to be on top of the world.