I followed Paul, on trembling legs, towards that one table in the back corner of the eatery section that everyone usually hated, while I held my free hand to my chest to keep my heart from bursting through my ribs. I’d spent days worrying about when I would see him again, by happenstance - about what I would say- but all of that stress seemed to be for nothing. Happiness made me delirious and I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, no matter how hard I tried.
I sat across from Paul at the small, wobbling table and kept my gaze squarely on him, as he slid into his seat. His expression couldn’t have been any less joyful, but the lines around his eyes showed how overwhelmed he was. I laced my fingers together, hooked my ankles under the table and waited patiently for him to say something. The longer the settling silence went on, the less tense he became, and I held my breath even as he inhaled deeply.
“So… uh - how does this work, exactly? Jon and Lucy are the only people I’ve witnessed this happen to, so…” Paul spoke dazedly, but seemed to snap out of it at the mention of his friend, and I propped my elbow on the table to hold my chin in my hand. Relief wasn’t a strong enough word to describe how I felt about not having to go through the whole ‘I’m a shifter’ speech. Paul had already accepted me, so all that was left was the finer details.
“It doesn’t work much different to a regular relationship, I guess. Honestly, I’m not sure what to say. I thought I’d have to worry about telling you, and then you’d have to deal with coming to terms with my not being human- all of that mess. I didn’t think this far, yet.” My confession earned me a smile and I blushed hard as Paul shook his head lightly. He leant back against the chair and let out his breath in the gust of a sigh that was so powerful, I felt it across the vast expanse of the table.
“You were right - this is awkward… I never considered I’d have a mate since I’m human, you know? I thought I’d just be Jon’s human friend. Considering everything that happened in Alaska, I should’ve been more … hopeful, I guess.” I leaned forward, arching my brows in curiosity, as my inner beast perked up in interest. She was a fairly mellow creature who kept to herself unless I shifted. Paul offered me a smirk filled with fond memories.
“The woman, whose house we stayed at, was human and mated to a bear shifter. Lucy is actually his sister. That whole situation with Jon was crazy … but- anyway, I guess, in hindsight, I should’ve been at least a little bit more prepared.”
“I think that it’s just as wrong an idea to get your hopes up, as it is to resign yourself to never having a mate just because you’re human, Paul. Even we bear shifters have trouble finding mates that we’re compatible enough with to have what Lucy and Jon have, you know. That’s what happened to my mom, and she’s by no means an isolated case.” Just talking like this to Paul sent a fuzzy, warm feeling spilling into my chest, and I smiled as I watched him through rose-colored lenses. “I think you were plenty prepared. I wanted to ask you out before, but you weren’t in the most receptive mood, and it’d be in poor taste, right?”
“Yeah … I probably would’ve shot you down cold…” Paul sputtered a laugh that pulled a giggle from me, and he tore his gaze off me to look at the table top. “Not my best moment, for sure. At least, my permits for the apartment are still valid. I’m thinking of knocking out some walls - making it a totally different place. I don’t know if I could stay there otherwise.”
“You can always just stay with me. I mean, you can fix the apartment, but you have the option to go minimal and drop it.” My offer surprised Paul, and blood flooded my cheeks when he arched a brow. “It’s not a big deal, really…”
“If Jon and Lucy are any indication, I think it’d be best not to move in with you, when I have so much work to do, McKayla.” I couldn’t even get the wrong idea about what Paul had said, before his eyes scanned my upper body shrewdly, and I sucked in air through my teeth. “But thank you for the offer.”
“Um - yeah. No problem.” I locked my thighs together under the table, nearly wincing at my own, wobbly voice. I shuffled in my seat and pulled my hair over my shoulder, as heat licked my abdomen and flames crawled up to tighten my nipples. Paul just watched with a knowing glint in his eye, and after a hot second, I sunk down with a groan to hide my face behind my arms.
“Why do you have to do that, huh?” Peeking out from between my forearms, my eyes widened at Paul’s wide, goofy smile. “Do you wanna get out of here?”
The question flew from my mouth unwittingly, but Paul didn’t miss a beat as he shook his head. I lifted my own and pursed my lips tightly, with an indignant huff, and he chuckled gently. Fire licked my cheeks and I shuffled my feet under the table, before he spoke up again. His thinly veiled desire slipped off his tongue, riding the waves of his deep voice, and the sensation tickled my face.
“You said your mom and dad were split, right? They weren’t compatible enough? How does that work?” Paul leaned forward to prop his elbows on the table, firing off his questions, and the smoldering embers in my belly became drenched with a stinging sadness. Tearing my gaze from him, I found my mom easily as she basked in the happiness that could only come from finding a mate.
Even though it wasn’t her mate, she was still ecstatic. Thin lines marred around her eyes and mouth, her skin crinkled from smiling so wide, and I held my chin in my palm to release a soft sigh.
“For bear shifters - actually, any shifters that don’t have life partners in their wild counterparts - we have potential mates. We meet people that would make a good mating partner, but not much beyond that. My parents … they were good. Their bond was strong and things were great, until my dad found a shifter who had a stronger bond with him. It was hard, and my mom says she doesn’t hate him … but sometimes I don’t believe her, you know? With us, there’s just a problem of not settling. You have to find the person you bond with the most - the person who you know from the second you see them, that they’ll be the only one. Otherwise, you end up like me. My dad and I are okay, but I don’t lie to myself and say I understand or I’m not bitter that he left us.”
“What about his mate? Does she like you?” I shrugged absentmindedly at Paul’s probing and forced my gaze off my mom, to turn to him. Concern has replaced his goofy smile, which creased between his brows and a slight frown dragged his lips down. For a moment, I let it distract me from the conversation, so that I didn’t have to think about my step-mother.
“She pretends to like me for my dad’s sake. I remember, she tried to take me shopping once, before we knew enough about each other to really hate each other. We both made an effort, but I was … what - seven years old at the time? It was confusing that this woman that wasn’t my mother was trying to do the things my mom was supposed to do with me. My parents split when I was five, but I didn’t spend too much time with Rachel. We only did things together, without my dad, once or twice a year - just to see if anything had changed. When I turned ten, we got into a fight because she wanted to come with my family to this waterpark, even though she hadn’t been invited. In the end, we didn’t go at all because she wouldn’t back down; then it just became this silent agreement that we don’t really interact at all. My birthday is the only time I see my dad.”
Callused, rough fingertips brushed my arm from wrist to elbow and I smiled as the contact brought me back to the present. Paul wore an expression that told me just how much he understood what I had gone through, and he gave me a small, sympathetic smile before opening his mouth.
“I understand. My dad skipped out before my little brother, Tommy, was born. I was four years old then, so I don’t remember much. My mom never tried dating again - never remarried. I had a few father figures in my life - my old neighbor being the most memorable. He once told me that I would never be as strong as my mom, but that shouldn’t stop me from trying. He was also the man that introduced me to what I do now - decorative landscaping and terrazzo.” A fondness invaded Paul’s smile, and I cocked my head as tender curiosity clung to my ribs like gum that’d been chewed too long. “I remember - I wanted him to marry my mom. I was eleven or so, I think. When I brought it up with him, the one and only time, he said he couldn’t because he was already married. Years later, he told me his wife had died in a car crash. Even though she was dead, he wasn’t going to betray her. For me, it really shaped how I looked at relationships.”
My eyes stung at that story, and a wistful sigh escaped my tight throat. Across the table, Paul shook his head fondly, but he didn’t let the content silence spread for more than a second or two.
“I guess I don’t hate my dad, but I’m glad he’s not in my life. From what my mom said, he was on his way to becoming a loser. She rarely talks about him - I feel like he’s just a terrible memory for her that she’s made peace with rather than trying to save face for me and Tommy.”
“In that same way, I’ve always hoped my dad would just go and stay away. Everything would be more … resigned … I guess.” I spoke the words I’d never dared, before, and trained my gaze on the center of the table, letting the quiet stretch. I loved my father, and I wanted him to be in my life; but, I wanted all of him. If I couldn’t have that, it was easier for him to be gone. At least, now, I had someone that understood. All too often, I had heard the question, ‘Why don’t you want him around? He’s a good dad,’ even though he wasn’t.
Not at all.