Water, then, is the most beautiful element.  It is rich in usefulness, and

purifies from all filth.  Not only from the filth of the body but from

that of the soul.

 

John of Damascus- “An Exact Exposition of the Orthodox Faith”

 

Instead of fine tuning the jail break plan for her poor incarcerated family, Nia focused most of her attention on a far bigger problem:  How to get her Match to hold her hand.  It was incredibly irresponsible of her, since Ty, Uriel and Tharsis could be in real trouble, but Nia just couldn’t help it.  Cross was keeping his distance from her and Nia didn’t like it.

It wasn’t that he was angry at her about their brief argument.  Nia could’ve handled him pouting.  In fact, the idea of a pouty Cross struck her as sort of cute.  Unfortunately, she could tell by the way Cross was acting that it was deeper than that.

This was about the Shadows.

Cross held so much power that it scared him.  He could do things that Nia had never heard of another Phase even attempting.  Cross was trying to put distance between them because he thought that he was dangerous.

It was ridiculous and completely unacceptable.  Nia hadn’t waited over two hundred and fifty years to find her Match just to have him pretend that she wasn’t there.

She shot Cross a sideways look, frowning at the two feet of air he’d place between them.  There was exactly enough space for him to reach her easily if someone attacked, but too much for any part of her body to accidently brush his.  He kept her shielded as they walked down the street, every massive inch of him standing between her and the rest of the world.  His mercury gaze continually swept their surroundings, searching for danger.  He was protective and solid… and he hadn’t said anything in twenty minutes.

The walk to the police station had been almost entirely silent.  Cross had stopped playing the speed dating game.  He looked like he was lost in his own dark thoughts.

Nia sighed and glanced around the collection of Caribbean colored buildings that passed for Mayport Beach’s downtown.  She wanted to be mad at Cross for staying so remote.  She had a right to feel a little miffed.  He’d apparently known she’d existed for the past two years and he’d completely ignored her.

That wasn’t particularly flattering.

Still, Nia just couldn’t find it in her to hold a grudge against him.  There didn’t seem much of a point.  Whatever accusations Nia might’ve thrown at him, she could just look at Cross and see that he was already thinking far worse things about himself.

He didn’t like meeting her eyes, even when she knew she had his full attention.  He bled for no reason and dismissed the pain like it was an embarrassment.  He held so much energy that it charged the air around him, but he wasn’t sharing it with her like he supposed to.

Her Match wasn’t broken.

Her Match wasn’t wrong.

But, her Match was hurting.

Nia was the oldest member of her House.  All her life, even before the Fall, she’d been a protector.  She would never, ever, allow Cross to hurt without a damn good fight.  And since the big, stubborn idiot clearly wasn’t going to be building any bridges, Nia guessed she’d just have to forge the two foot gap of silence between them herself.

She stopped walking.

Cross kept going for an extra step and then noticed that she’d fallen behind.  He quickly backtracked.  “What happened?  Are you alright?”

And voilà!  Just like that she’d gotten five whole words out of him.  Nia gave herself a mental pat on the back.  “I’m fine.”  She deliberately reached out and took hold of his palm, which was twice the size of hers.  Nia’s fingers slid between his, admiring the contrast between her iridescent blue nail polish and the calluses on his broad hand.  He didn’t squeeze her palm back, but he didn’t yank away, either.

Nia took it as a good sign.

Cross stared down at their entwined fingers for a second and the absolute beauty of the man, made Nia sigh.  His profile should have been on a coin or something.  He glanced at her through the impossible length of his lashes.  “That’s not a good idea.”  His voice had that wonderful rumble of Shadows.  “It’s just…not.”

“I understand.”  Nia gave a solemn nod.  “Holding hands can be deadly.  I think I’m willing to risk it, though.  Just this once.”  A slow grin spread across her face as Cross continued watching their joined palms like he expected some kind of trap.  “Look, just try not to take my clothes off again and we’ll be fine.  Well, at least, don’t do it when we’re in public.”  She winked.

Cross’s gaze snapped up to hers and actually held for a moment.  He almost, almost, smiled.  Nia could tell.

There was an electricity to his touch that Nia knew was part of Phazing.  The zing of it in the air, the proof that this man was hers, combined with the unexpected sweetness of his almost smile had Nia moving closer to him and pressing for answers.  “Cross.”  He enjoyed the way she said his name for some reason.  She could tell by the way his pupils dilated.  Nia tried to do it a lot, since it was the only thing she’d found that he liked about her, so far.  “You have to try.”  Her free hand came up to touch his cheek.  “Why can’t you just try?”

“I am.”  He whispered, but she could see that he knew exactly what she meant.

“No, you’re fighting.”  Nia insisted.  “You don’t want to let me in, at all.  How can we Phaze like this?  Just tell me what’s bothering you and I can help.”  If he didn’t open up to her, how would they get to know one another?  How could they trust and connect?  Matches had to accept each other for all their strength and weaknesses.  Had to understand the Phase they were committing themselves to spend forever with.

Nia wanted more than just a Phase-Match.  She wanted love and she wanted Cross to give it to her.

Cross’ eyes slid away from hers.  “Let’s just go bail out your family and worry about our Match later.”  He wasn’t going to budge.  There was an inflexible set to his jaw that pretty much told her that Cross planned to keep that two feet of air between them forever.

Nia let her hand drop from his face.  “You don’t want me for a Phase-Match.”  His gaze slashed back to hers and she nodded.  “You don’t.  I can tell.  But, that’s just too bad.  I’m keeping you and if you try to renounce me, I’ll fight it.  Understand?  You’re stuck with me, so you’d better just deal with it.”

Cross actually laughed.  It wasn’t a particularly happy laugh.  In fact, it had a jagged edge of menace to it, but at least it was a genuine response.  “You think I don’t fucking want you?”  He challenged, harshly.  “No, actually, you’re right.  I don’t want you.  You’re the only thing in the universe I give a shit about and just the idea of you has kept me alive for the past two years.  So no.”  He shook his head.  “It’s not want, Nia.  It’s fucking need.  I need you so badly that there’ve been times I’ve wished that I never felt you at all, because then I could’ve just let go!  I could’ve just ended it after the Fall!”

It was hard to say which of them looked more stunned by that outburst.

Nia stared up at him, speechless.  Reading between the lines of that, she saw something terrible.  Cross had wanted to die.  Panic spread through Nia.  She’d just found him.  If he left her, she would be alone again.

Cross’ jaw sagged for a second as if he couldn’t believe what he’d said.  Then, his mouth snapped shut again, so hard his teeth clinked together.

“I’m sorry.”  Cross yanked his hand back from hers.  “I’m… Shit.”  He pressed a hand to his forehead and turned swiftly.  “Hang on.”  Blood was coming out of his nose this time.  “God.”  He curved in on himself as if battling some invisible demon.

“Cross!”  Nia closed the distance between them and grabbed his face between her palms.  “It’s okay.  Calm down.”  She felt the tension leave his body when she touched him, like a horrible pressure had been released.  “You’re okay.  It’s okay.”  She was chanting that more for herself than for him as she petted his cheek.

The bleeding stopped and Cross wiped a wrist under his nose in an absent gesture that spoke of long habit.  He started down at the red stain and his mouth tightened.  “I’m always coming to you with blood on me.”  He murmured, wearily.  “Selfish bastard.”

“It’ll be okay.”  Nia insisted.  “Just so you’re not sick, you’ll be okay.”  Phases hadn’t bled like that during the Fall, but Nia had lost so much that it left her traumatized.  Even with his assurance that Freya had checked him out, Nia couldn’t get the image of some illness stealing Cross away out of her mind.  “Please, don’t be sick.”  Her voice caught at the idea.

To Nia’s surprise, Cross sighed and rested his head against her shoulder.  “I’m not sick, baby.  But, I’m not okay, either.”  Cross was so much bigger than Nia that he had to bend almost in half to hold onto her, but he still didn’t let go.  “I told you, I’m broken.”  He swore, softly.  “I never meant to yell at you.  I’m sorry.”

Nia could’ve cried at the sadness in his tone.  “We’re Matched, Cross.  We’re allowed to yell at each other.  But, we are never allowed to let go.  Are you listening to me?  Don’t you ever end anything and leave me behind.”

“If I ended everything, Nia, you’d come with me.”  There was a dull note in his voice.  “That’s always been the problem.”

“Yeah?  Good.”  She certainly wasn’t going to apologize if she’d screwed up his suicide plans.  “Jackass.”  She muttered and tilted her head so her face rested in his thick, dark hair.  “Matches need each other, you know.  It’s not just you in this.  I need you, too.  I need you here.”

He snorted as if that statement was a prime candidate for the “stupidest thing ever said” award.

“Cross, why do you have these headaches?”  Nia demanded, when he didn’t seem to be offering anything else to the conversation.  “Did Freya tell you why?”

A long pause then, “The Shadows are heavy.”

Nia couldn’t imagine the power it took to support an entire House.  It had to be the worst pressure in the world, times three.  She should have known that it would hurt him.  What kind of Match was she that she hadn’t guessed that he was suffering?  “You’re in pain a lot?”

An even longer pause.  “Sometimes.”

Nia hadn’t spent two years arguing with the rest of the Council to easily admit defeat.  “When are you not in pain?”

No answer at all this time.

“Cross?”  She prompted.  “When are you not in pain?”

He straightened away from her and met her gaze dead on.  “When I touch you, the headaches go away.”

“Ah-ha!”  Nia beamed, despite the circumstances.  “Well, my medical opinion on that is that we should do a lot of touching then, Match.”  She arched a brow, trying to lighten his mood.  “You’re cured.  You so owe me.”

He didn’t seem amused.  “I know that I do.  If I were a better man, I’d pay you back by letting you go.  You shouldn’t be with me.”

Nia’s smile faded.  “Cross, are you going to try and renounce me?”  She demanded.

“No.”

The simple finality of the word sent a shaft of pleasure into Nia.  “Then, I think you need to adapt.”  She made sure that she kept her hand on his arm.  “You have to be my Match.”

His gaze stayed locked on hers.  “It’s not that I don’t want to be your Match, Nia.  It’s that I can’t.  Not the way you need me to be.  That’s the problem.  I’m wrong.”

“No, you’re not wrong!”  She insisted.  “Stop saying that.”  Nia suddenly and completely understood Ty’s refusal to Phaze with Parald.  Her cousin had always said he’d felt “wrong” and now that made perfect sense to Nia.  Matches could feel each other on so many levels.  You’d be able to tell instantly if he was a monster.  You’d know if he was wrong.  “Cross, if you would just…”

“If I share my energy with you, the way we’re supposed to in Phazing, you will be crushed.”  Cross interrupted, seeing where she was going next.  “It will hurt like a nail gun to your eyes.  And I won’t do that to you.  Not if you ask me a thousand times.  Not when my own instincts are screaming at me to just let it happen.  Not even when the Shadows pound at my head wanting to touch you.  So, don’t waste time trying to talk me into it.”

“We can’t Phaze properly unless you let go, Cross.  You know that.  It won’t work.”

He glanced away.  “You can renounce me, then.”  His tone was devoid of all emotion.

Nia pursed her lips.  He was really not looking at her now, his eyes studying the shapeless clouds in the September sky.  “Renounce you, huh?  You’d be okay with that?”

No response.  His jaw developed a tick.

“So, if I somehow, magically, found another unbroken, not wrong Match, you’d -What?- throw him a bachelor party before sending him off to Phaze with me?”

Mercury eyes sparked.  Cross’ gaze cut back to hers so fast that Nia was surprised it didn’t ignite the oxygen in the air.  “If I lost you, I’d topple the world without a second thought.”  He snarled.  “But, I swear to God, any man who tries to take you from me, I’ll kill slowly before the apocalypse even gets started.”

“See?  Now, that sounded kind of like a real Match.”  Nia mused.  Honestly, his possessiveness turned her on, because she felt the same way about him.  If any other woman came near Cross, Nia would crush the bitch with a tidal wave.

Cross was breathing hard, apparently coming to some tough conclusions.  “I’d literally kill anyone else who touched you.”  He repeated, almost to himself.  “I know I would.  Fuck.  You really are stuck with me.”

Nia shrugged.  “Could be worse.  At least, you’re pretty to look at.”

“Would you be serious?  You just said yourself that we can’t Phaze.  Where the hell does that leave you, Nia?”

“I didn’t say that.  I said we wouldn’t be able to Phaze properly with you holding back.  You need to be a full Match and trust me to do my part.  Let me share the weight of the Shadows.”

He leaned down so their foreheads nearly touched.  “It will. Never. Happen.”

She met him glare for glare.  “Then, I guess you’ll just have to think of something else for us to try, genius, because I’m all out of ideas.”

Cross swore viciously.  “I already told you my idea.  We just don’t Phaze.  Ever.  Very simple and foolproof.”

“That’s not an idea.  That’s fear.”  Nia went for the patriotism vote.  “If we don’t Phaze, we won’t have children.  With so few Phases left, do you think that’s really the right choice?”

“With so few Phases left, I think it’s the wrong choice to let one be flattened by Shadow energy because she’s too damn stubborn to listen to reason.”  He shot back.  “You’re fucking right, I’m afraid.  You could die, Nia.  How can you ask me to risk that?”

She rolled her eyes.  “No one dies from Phazing.”

“A lot of stuff that ‘never happens,’ happens to me.”

Nia tried, again.  “You’re talking about a celibate Phase-Match.  Do you hear how crazy that sounds?”

“I want you.”  He muttered.  “I want you alive, and safe, and around forever.  Even if it means that I can’t touch you, I want you with me.  I don’t care if it’s crazy.  Phazing isn’t the most important thing to me.  You are.  I won’t endanger you.”

Nia blinked.

That was… beautiful.

What a lovely, romantic thing for such a big, stubborn warrior to say.

But, she still wasn’t giving in.

“Cross.”  She cleared her throat.  “I don’t want you just because of the Phazing, either.  I wouldn’t want our relationship to be like that.  I want more.”

He looked relieved.  “Good.”

Nia wasn’t done.  “And if, for some reason, we couldn’t Phaze, I’d be okay with that.  I’d be happy just having you as my Match.  But, that’s not what this is.  This is you being paranoid and self-destructive.  And I’m not going to go along with that.”

He ran a hand through his hair.  “Look, I get that you want a kid.  Of course, you’d want one.  I’m sorry.  I am.  We can get a dog or a horse or something.”

“I don’t want a horse!  I want a baby.”  Nia waved a hand.  “And that’s not even the point.  Look, do you really think you can resist the Phazing energy permanently?  Unless you stay far away from me, I…”

“I’m not staying away from you.”  The words were unequivocal.  “No.”

That was good news, because if he tried Nia would just have to stalk him around until he came to his senses.  That would be a bother.  “Well, how do you plan to hold out against a biological imperative, then?”

Cross didn’t respond to that.  Nia could see his mind working.

“Both of us will go out of minds.”  She pressed.  “You know that.  This isn’t going to work.  There’s no way.  My energy is already driving me nuts.”

“You need release.  That’s what you’re saying?”

“Yes, but Phazing is more than just physical.  We’re connected, Cross.  You said that you felt me, right?  You somehow knew that I was your Phase-Match right after the Fall?”

“I felt you.”  He agreed, warily.  “I didn’t know who you were exactly, but I felt you out there someplace.”

That actually distracted her for a beat.  “You knew that you had a Match, but you didn’t know I was me?”  She translated.

He squinted.  “Yeah, I guess so.”

Nia suddenly felt a lot better.  “Then, you didn’t deliberately abandon me for two years?”  She just wanted to make absolutely sure before she forgave him.

“Do I look like an idiot?  Of course, it wasn’t deliberate!  I would have gladly traded centuries off my life to find you sooner.  What the hell do you think?”  He scraped a hand through his hair.  “Shit, I can’t believe we’re on this topic again.  Do you own a mirror, for God’s sake?  What kind of dumbass wouldn’t give anything to have you?”

Nia was so touched by his annoyance that she leaned up to press her lips against his.  She felt Cross hiss in a breath as the Phazing sparked between them.  Passion took over like a wildfire.  Apparently forgetting every single thing he’d just said, Cross grabbed her closer, his mouth devouring hers.

Nia kissed him back, mentally cheering her victory.

Best debate ever.