7
I felt ready to tear out my hair as I paced the floor at Glencree Clinic. My personal and professional lives had once again merged in the worst way.
Yet I hadn’t worked, at least here, for days.
I’d spent the weekend at home with Rosie when I was more certain of my diagnosis and she displayed all of the classic measles symptoms. Of course, I had consulted with a GP, too, but ultimately for measles—much like chicken pox—you had to let it run its course. It’s a virus and can’t be treated with antibiotics.
On Friday morning when I called in to work and stayed at home with Rosie, I worked to control her fever, tried to keep her comfortable, all the while wondering how on earth this had happened, and hoping against hope that my tough-cookie survivor would have the strength to battle it out.
This was the outcome Greg and I most worried about back when her allergy was first diagnosed and we had to make a call on the MMR vaccine.
“If she catches something, we’ll just have to deal with it,” my husband advised, typically implacable. “It’s unlikely, though—herd immunity for measles is very high in this country. And anyway what choice do we have?”
None whatsoever, I knew, realizing now that Greg’s faith in so-called herd immunity had clearly been misplaced. Measles might be rare these days, but it was still possible.
And for my poor Rosie just now, terrifyingly real.
At least I knew my own chances of getting sick were slim. As a health-care professional, I was vaccinated as a matter of course against most standard infectious diseases. Still, as any parent knows, those first few hours dealing with a coughing child and a germ-filled house is enough to drive you crazy.
But I’d thought we were getting through it OK—or rather Rosie was—until tonight.
Lucy had come over earlier in the evening to help me out and confirmed that, yes, little Clara Cooper had indeed also gone down with it, but according to Madeleine seemed to have improved over the weekend.
I started to think positive; maybe Rosie was close to being out of the woods, too. But then, almost out of nowhere, her early fever returned. And spiked. Seriously spiked, over 104 degrees. Almost in tandem, my heart dropped the other direction.
I knew the danger zone all too well and my daughter was in it.
Lucy and I hustled to get her undressed and into a cold bath, but still, we couldn’t get her fever down. I’ve dealt with a lot of stressful medical situations, but it’s completely different when it’s your child, your own flesh and blood.
While I was trying my damnedest not to panic, in truth I was very scared. But even though I was scared, I’m not an idiot. And when Rosie had a febrile seizure, right there in the bath, I knew that this was very serious. Fighting the infection was consuming her and I needed to get her to the hospital—fast.
Unlike the good hour it would take to reach one of the Dublin hospitals, Glencree was only fifteen minutes down the road, and my workplace was well enough equipped for pediatric emergencies. Notwithstanding the fact that I implicitly trusted my colleagues to do their best for my little girl.
Lucy and I got Rosie wrapped up and into the car, but the poor thing was in a bad way, shivering and burning up at the same time. I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to remain strong, hoping and praying that it was just one seizure and that it wouldn’t happen again.
But then it did—right as we were flying down the road in Lucy’s Jeep, only minutes away from my workplace. I held on to my daughter in the back seat—to hell with the seat belt—trying to get her to turn on her side safely so she wouldn’t choke on her own tongue.
All the while screaming inside and praying to God not to do this to me again.
Please don’t take my daughter away, too...
When Lucy squealed to a stop in front of the clinic’s entrance, I had to do everything in my power not to jump out of the car and start screaming for assistance. Thankfully, Lucy had no compunction about doing just that on my behalf.
Minutes later, my still-thrashing daughter was strapped to a stretcher and hustled indoors. I recognized several of the staff and nurses and knew one or two of the paramedics on shift, at least by name.
They would help Rosie, I reassured myself. They had the equipment and resources to control her fever—much more so than what I could do at home. I allowed myself to feel just the tiniest bit of relief and reminded myself that while febrile seizures were scary, they were mostly harmless, a natural result of the body’s high temperature when fighting illness. On a practical level, I knew all this but it still didn’t make it any less scary.
Rosie was in good hands in Glencree; it was the best place for her just then. I had to trust the very talented people around me. I had no choice.
A little later, they were indeed able to stabilize her and bring her temperature down just a little.
I literally pounced on Dr. Jackson, the on-call pediatrician, who just then was coming my way. I knew her a little, but personal decorum goes out the window when you’re frantic for your child.
“How is she? Will she be OK?” I babbled, my heart in my mouth at the sight of the doctor’s worryingly expressionless face.
“Kate...” she began, using that tone, one I’d heard uttered by hospital staff countless times (hell, I’d used it myself) when bracing themselves to give people news that wasn’t good.
Oh, God... Terrified, I waited for the doctor’s next words to come out of her mouth, bracing myself for the worst.
“It’s looking like Rosie has pneumonia,” Dr. Jackson told me gravely, and I gasped with horror.
Pneumonia...
My God, how had I missed it? I should have had my little girl seen to long before now... What kind of idiot was I? I was supposed to be an RN, for goodness’ sake... I had a goddamn master’s degree and still I didn’t realize my own child had pneumonia...
The doctor put a gentle hand on my arm. “As a precaution, probably best if we transfer her to Dublin, where they can keep an eye on her,” she said, referring to the national children’s hospital in the city. “We’ve given her antibiotics and are now trying to get her hydrated and in better shape for the ambulance journey, but it’s going to take a little time.” She smiled gently. “Kate, I know what you’re thinking and, please, try not to be too hard on yourself—sometimes it’s hard to tell with these things...”
“I just can’t believe I didn’t even consider it...” Especially when pneumonia was one of the most common complications with measles. I burst into tears and allowed Lucy to lead me to a nearby chair, whereupon she let me cry on her shoulder, exhausting myself even further.
Dr. Jackson lightly patted my shoulder and advised that I would be able to reunite with Rosie when they’d finished prepping her for the transfer, while once again reassuring me that I couldn’t have known.
But of course I could; I’m her mother, aren’t I? The one who’s supposed to protect her from harm and keep this kind of stuff from happening in the first place.
Fat lot of good I was at that, I thought sniffing.
I stood up and began pacing, wearing a path in the linoleum floor as I waited to see my daughter.
“Come on, Kate, try to relax,” Lucy said as she fought back a yawn. It was now three o’clock in the morning. I had already told her repeatedly that she should go home to her own family, but she’d insisted on staying. “Rosie’s in good hands—think positive.”
I shook my head. “No, if I sit down, I’ll drive myself crazy thinking.”
About how this was all my fault. How I should have known. Why had I waited three whole days before getting her seen to, assuming she could just fight this on her own?
Right then, a nurse entered the general waiting area and gave me a gentle smile. It was enough to make me want to run over and hug her, yet I still couldn’t be sure if it meant...
“Rosie’s sleeping now, and we have her on an antibiotic drip. The ambulance should be ready soon, and you’re free to go back in and sit with her while we wait.”
Almost sick with relief, I thanked the nurse and looked quickly at Lucy, who offered to head back to the house to bring me some toiletries and clothes—things I hadn’t had the time or the wherewithal to grab when we hightailed it over here hours ago.
I nodded my assent and she asked me if there was anything I needed specifically, but my mind was blank. I didn’t care what she brought me, frankly, because I couldn’t recall a thing that I needed as much as I wanted to be by my little girl’s side. Hold her close, keep her safe.
Like I thought I’d been doing up to now.
On entering Rosie’s hospital room, I was immediately struck by how big the bed was and how small and fragile she was. My heart felt like it was breaking.
My God; she’s only five years old...
She was so pale and she had monitors and machines all around her, tracking every heartbeat, every breath. I walked slowly to the side of the bed and sat down, taking Rosie’s little hand in mine and murmuring, “Mummy’s here, buttercup. It’s going to be OK.”
But was it? a small voice in my mind asked. Again, my brain instinctively tried to go clinical on me—it was ready to spout off the measles statistics that I had been trying to not think about since I first spotted that telltale rash. I tried to tell it to shut up.
It’s just pneumonia—the antibiotics will sort it, it will be OK.
I worked my hardest to take Lucy’s advice and try to think positive, but my mind was too busy lecturing me that there were no guarantees from one minute to the next.
I understood that lesson better than most.