Four Letter Word

Today she wanted to burn him alive.

Knowing Tori, it would only escalate from there, though I wasn’t sure how you could go bigger than killing someone and doing it painfully, but I was sure she’d come up with something.

My lashes brushed the fibers of the quilt as I stayed blanketed and curled up on my side.

“I don’t think there’s anything in that house I’d miss,” I replied honestly.

Hell, I’d even light the match myself.

“Just wait until next weekend before you kill him,” I requested. “I’d like him to see my signature on those separation papers first and they won’t go out until Monday.”

I got the envelope in the mail today. Marcus overnighted the papers like he said he would and I signed them without hesitation.

We were now officially separated.

If I had it in me, I’d do a little dance in celebration of that fact.

I did not have it in me.

“I can do that,” Tori obliged. “I’m thinking we need to drag out his death. Make it last as long as possible. I’d hate for Marcus to suffocate on the smoke before the flames hit him so that’ll require me going in there and putting some sort of a cover on his face, a mask or something, like the military use. I bet my dad could get his hands on one for me.”

“He’s the best.”

“Right? I just love him.” Her hand gave me another squeeze.

I closed my eyes and breathed deep.

“I am seriously pissed off, hon. Nobody does this to my best girl,” Tori added, the couch dipping more as she leaned closer, putting pressure on my feet. “You were upset when you first got here, understandably so, but you were getting better. You know? You got better. Being away from Marcus and all his negativity, you were my silly, fun-loving Syd again, laughing and playing and smiling all the time. Finding your happiness and living your life. Now that dipshit has taken my girl away from me again, and I’m so mad I am actually planning out my last meal in prison ’cause I know I’m gonna get the death penalty after I take him out, but doesn’t matter. I’m doing it. He deserves to pay and pay good. I mean, really, Syd, look at you. I haven’t seen your head since Thursday night. You’re constantly being swallowed up by a blanket.”

“I’m fine.”

Lie. I was the farthest from fine I’d ever been. I knew it and so did Tori.

“You’ll be fine,” she argued. “I know you will. Being here, away from him, just like before, you’ll be fine. It just might take a little longer but you’ll get there.”

Tori thought she had it all figured out, that I’d found my happiness on my own, and since I did it already, I could do it again, but that was just it.

I hadn’t found my happiness on my own.

I had Tori, and yeah, being with her every day helped, my new job and the friends I’d met here, Shay and Kali, but I’d had someone else, too.

And since Tori hated Marcus now to the point of death plotting and most likely wouldn’t have an issue with me feeling things for someone else, it was time I crawled out from behind my secret and shared it with her.

I was numb enough. If she ended up hating me for a few days, I might not even feel it.

I sat up and let the blanket slip down over my shoulder, gathering the cocoon I’d inhabited around my waist as I twisted on the couch and sat knee bent, foot resting beneath my thigh, and body angled to face her.

She looked super pretty in a soft yellow strapless sundress and a red lip, her hair twisting loose in beach-water waves.

I was wearing leggings and a UNC hoodie, hadn’t brushed my hair since yesterday, and my eyes were swollen from tears shed.

Sweet blues roamed my face, shining upbeat.

“There you are,” Tori said, smiling lightly. “Forgot you had all that red under there.”

I quickly finger-combed my hair.

God, I needed a mirror.

And a toothbrush.

Tucking chunks of tangled red behind my ear and swiping my tongue over my teeth, I prepared myself for confession, taking a few deep breaths and reaching for Tori’s hand.

“I need to tell you something,” I began, watching her scoot closer and feeling her hand tighten around mine.

I held on tighter, wet my lips, and got on with it.

“I’ve felt different over the past month. Happier. You saw it. I was just …better in a lot of ways I think, and I know a lot of that had to do with being here with you and meeting everyone at work, but there was something else helping me, getting me there a lot quicker than I was expecting and making me feel things I haven’t felt in a really long time. Maybe ever.”

“Oh, God,” Tori whispered, suddenly looking concerned. “Are you hooked on something?”

“What?”

She pulled my hand into her lap, jerking me forward.

“I watched this Lifetime movie a couple months ago about a woman who was down on her luck, recently divorced due to the loss of a child; and it being too much for her and her husband to handle together, they split up. Then one night, she went out to this club and got hooked on smack.”

I pulled my hand back, taking hers with me and keeping them between us.

“I am not hooked on smack,” I hissed. “I don’t even know what that is. What is it?”

“I think it’s a combination of crack and crank. Or it could be heroin.” She moved to get off the couch. “I’m gonna Google it.”

“Wait a minute.” I tugged her back down.