Four Letter Word

My best friend was crazy.

“I am not taking any drugs. That’s not what I’m trying to tell you.”

Tori studied me, soundless for a second.

“I’ve been talking to someone,” I finally admitted.

“Like a therapist?” she asked, eyes lighting up. “That’s great!”

I blinked heavily and sighed.

“No, like a man,” I replied, watching her brows slowly knit together. “I’ve been talking to this guy and not in a billing your insurance type of way, okay? We’ve been …sort of dating, exclusively on the phone, I guess, just talking a lot but it’s done now. We’re not anymore. It all ended Thursday night.”

Because he didn’t want to know me.

I fought tears, slumped sideways, and fell into the couch, resting my heavy head on the cushion.

“I miss him so much,” I whispered. “If Marcus hadn’t eaten my heart I’d swear it was breaking.”

Tori’s mouth dropped open.

“You’ve been dating someone?” she asked, shocked voice barely above a murmur. “Who is it? And when did you have time to meet him? All you do is work.”

I wiped at my face with my sleeve.

“You’re not mad at me?”

“What? Why would I be mad at you? You were happy.”

My lip twitched. I loved this girl. Seriously.

Tori dropped her head on the cushion beside her shoulder, mimicking my position, then continued on to say, “And I’m sure whatever reason you had for keeping this to yourself was a good one and not something I would be mad at you for. That being said, you owe me a month’s worth of details and you’re not allowed to skip over anything. That means I get to hear everything, juicy stuff and all, starting with who this guy is and how you met.”

She had a point. I owed her a lot, and since I did the shitty thing by keeping this from her, the least I could do was share a few details.

Even the private ones.

“Remember that guy I accidentally dialed thinking he was Wes?”

Her eyes widened.

“Him?”

I nodded.

“He texted me the next day and it just …went from there. Quickly. Texting and talking, every day, sometimes multiple times, for hours.”

“You gotta be kidding me,” she murmured.

“It was fast but it was easy,” I continued. “Like, really easy. I could talk to him about anything. He knew about Marcus, I told him, and he was good about taking my mind off of it, making me laugh and stuff. And the things he would say to me, Tori, it was like he really cared about me, like he wanted me to be happy more than anything and it just got to me. You know? I started really caring for him, thinking about him all the time, what he looked like, where he was, if he was thinking the same way about me. I know I had feelings for him. A lot of feelings, especially after we started doing stuff on the phone together.”

I gave her a look then, indicating my meaning, and it came across loud and clear, Tori’s mouth pinching together thinly and her cheeks flushing.

“It was sudden and probably too fast, I know it was, which is why I kept it from you, but I really wanted to know him. Like …know him. Talk to him in person and do all the other stuff we were already doing but really do it. More than anything, I wanted that. More than I wanted to patch things over with Marcus.” I swallowed thickly, eyes lowering. “But Brian didn’t. Told me so Thursday night. Said he didn’t want to know me. That’s the last time we spoke.”

“He actually said that to you? That he didn’t want to know you, he said those words?”

“Yep.”

“Did he have a reason?” she asked, tugging my hand a little and raising my eyes.

When I caught hers, I replied, “Did he need one?”

She frowned.

He didn’t. Tori knew it and so did I.

Having a reason wouldn’t change anything. It could be the noblest reason on earth and it wouldn’t lessen the pain I was feeling or make any of this better. Besides, whatever it was, if Brian had something driving his decision to keep me out, it still had everything to do with me.

He didn’t want to know me.

Tears filled my eyes as I mumbled, “I really really liked him, Tori.”

“Oh, hon. I’m sorry.” She gave my hand a squeeze. “I really wish you would’ve told me. I never would’ve thought anything making you that happy would’ve been wrong or too fast. Not ever, okay?”

I gave her a weak smile, sniffling.

“That being said, you know how crazy this is, right? I mean, aside from the fact you’ve been engaging in phone sex with a man you’ve never met before, you totally asked him during that first conversation if he liked to get fucked hard and deep, not to mention requesting he take the dildo out of his mouth you figured he was sucking on, and he still wanted to talk to you again.” Her eyes bugged. “You must’ve really made an impression, Syd.”

I had. In hindsight I believe Brian thought I was amusing, even though I was going for total badass bitch that night, one who shouldn’t be messed with.

Tori thought I was badass, so I felt good about it.

“I don’t think he’d been talked to like that before,” I offered. “I’m guessing it intrigued him.”

“I don’t think a lot of men have been talked to like that before,” Tori countered. “Seriously. You were scary.” She twisted her body a little until her back was touching the cushion.