"What have you got, Victor?" Buddy sighs.
"Baby, rumor has it that in your possession is a picture of, um, well, me."
"Victor, I've got about a million."
"No. A specific picture."
"Specific? A specific picture? I don't think so, pookie."
"It's of me and a, um, certain girl."
"Who? Gwyneth Paltrow? Irina? Kristin Herold? Cheri Oteri?"
"No," I shout. "Goddamnit-it's of me and Alison Poole."
"You and Alison Poole? Doing-ahem-what?"
"Having a little iced latte while playing footsie on the Internet, you raging f**khead."
"Alison Poole-as in Damien Nutchs Ross's girlfriend? That Alison Poole?"
"She's also f**king like half the Knicks, so I'm not alone."
"A naughty boy. Living on the edge. Not so nice."
"What is that-Bon Jovi's greatest hits? Listen to-"
"I assume this photo was taken with Mr. Ross's and Miss Byrnes' permission and approval, you nonethical little bastard."
"Me nonethical?" I choke. "Whoa-wait a minute. You peddled Robert Maxwell's autopsy photos, you scumbag. You had f**king Polaroids of Kurt Cobain's blown-apart skull. You had shots of River Phoenix convulsing on Sunset. You-"
"I also gave you your first break in the media, you ungrateful little shit."
"And you're totally, totally right. Listen, I wasn't putting you down. I meant to say I was impressed."
"Victor, you get written about, mainly by me, for doing nothing."
"No, man, I mean it, take it to the limit, that's my motto, so y'know-"
"Successful sucking up requires talent. Or at least a species of charm that you simply do not possess."
"Bottom line: what can I give you in exchange for the photo?"
"What have you got? And let's make this fast. I'm about to be interviewed by `A Current Affair.'"
"Well, um, what do you want to, like, know?"
"Is Chloe dating Baxter Priestly and are you all involved in some kind of hot sicko threesome?"
"Oh shit, man-no. For the last time-no," I groan. And then, after Buddy's suspicious pause, "And I'm not dating Stephen Dorff."
"Why is Chloe doing so much runway work this season?"
"Oh, that's easy: it's her last year as a runway model. It's her big farewell, so to speak," I sigh, relieved.