Chapter Twenty-Nine
Six months later
Gerard lifted the frosted tankard to his mouth and took a hearty draught. Damned shame there wasn’t enough of the stuff in all of Scotland to take his mind off the woman he’d left behind.
With her sapphire eyes brimming with emotion, Evelyn had confessed her love.
And like a fool, he’d held back. He’d refused to admit to the emotions that coursed through him with every breath, the desire for her that transcended the physical. The look in her eyes as he’d turned from her was like a blow to the gut. He’d hurt her. It had been for the best, or so he’d told himself as he walked away. She’d forget him soon enough.
He hadn’t counted on this relentless need.
And now, he sat in this dank tavern, trying to drown his regrets in ale and excuses.
What was it about Evelyn that made him want her, day and night? For so long, he hadn’t believed it possible to hunger so for a woman. But his need for the English lass was damned near insatiable. Not only in his bed. He craved her smile and her laugh and the way her eyes danced with mischief. He yearned for the sensuous temptation in her touch. He wanted her by his side from the break of dawn until the day was done and they lay in bed, content in each other’s arms.
Damnation, what the hell had come over him?
It wasn’t meant to be. He’d come close to losing her. She’d been clever—clever enough to keep the curs at bay. If not for Evelyn’s courage, his mission to protect her might have ended in bitter failure.
He was not strong enough to chance losing her. It had been better to walk away.
Silently cursing himself for a coward, he lifted the tankard and doused his thoughts with another drink.
Harrison strode through the door with Fergus at his side. The men cut a straight path to his table. Gerard met his brother’s concerned eyes.
“Something on your mind?” Gerard asked, downing another gulp.
“You look like hell.” Harrison was nothing if not direct.
“Is that so? I didnae think I was preparing for an audience with the bluidy Queen.”
Harrison pulled up a chair and studied him for a long moment. “God above, when is the last time you shaved?”
Gerard shrugged. “What concern is it of yers?”
“You reek of alcohol.” Harrison gave a derisive sniff. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were undercover as the town drunk.”
“Bugger off. Why are ye here?”
“I’ve come with news… Representatives of the Crown have sent a communiqué regarding the Dragon’s Eyes. Her Majesty has expressed her appreciation for our service in recovering the artifact.”
“Well, isn’t that bluidy perfect?” Gerard stared down at his drink. “Dinnae try to tell me ye think I give a damn.”
“There’s something else,” Harrison went on. “Something you need to know. Another wedding is set to take place at Houghton Manor.”
Gerard shot him a scowl. With his luck, Harrison had come to tell him Evelyn was set to take her vows with some other man who’d had the good sense to take her as his bride. “Why should I give a damn about that?”
“I see your mood has not improved since the last time I saw you.” Harrison paused to signal a whisky for himself and an ale for Fergus as a barmaid hurried past their table. He turned his attention back to Gerard. “Owen McShae is marrying one of the bridesmaids in attendance at McLeod’s nuptials—Bonnie, if I recall correctly. As I understand it, he took to the lass when he arrived to oversee the transport of Mrs. Smythe. The wedding is in a week.”
Gerard let out a low breath. Had Harrison sensed his relief that the bride in question was not Evelyn? Bah, in any case, what did it matter? She’d moved on with her life. She’d find the happiness she deserved soon enough. Damned shame it would be with another man.
“Ye came here to tell me about a blasted wedding?” Gerard cloaked his emotions with a layer of belligerence. “Have ye gone daft?”
“The man has been your partner on several missions. I plan to attend the ceremony. I expect you’d do the same. It seems the decent thing to do. Our association with McShae goes back years.”
“Ye’re sure it doesnae have something to do with that bonny American lass?”
His brother shrugged. “I cannot say with any certainty that Miss Winterborne will be in attendance. But, if you must know, I would not be averse to becoming better acquainted.”
As the barmaid returned with their drinks, Fergus took a stein from her tray. He flashed a wily grin. “I’ll be venturing back there myself. This old man’s lookin’ forward to seein’ Mrs. Lewis again. And I guarantee ye, we’ll be doin’ more than becoming better acquainted.”
“You are a randy old goat.” Harrison scowled.
“Aye, and ye know ye’re wishing to be in my shoes.”
Harrison laughed. Turning back to Gerard, his expression grew serious. “I have it on good authority that Lady Evelyn will serve as a bridesmaid.”
Gerard shot another scowl. “What does it matter to me? The lass has no desire to lay eyes on my face again, I can tell ye that.”
“Not in your present state, I’m sure.” Harrison took another drink. “That being said, she cared deeply for you, Gerard. Any fool could see that.”
“That was then, in the heat of the moment. Ye know damn well emotions are intensified in the aftermath of danger.” Gerard pictured Evie’s face the last time he’d looked at her. The shimmer of moisture in her eyes. The slight quiver of her lower lip as she held back tears. “Whatever was between us has cooled to ash.”
“Has it now?” Harrison hiked a brow. “Don’t try to tell me you’re not still drawn to her.”
“That doesnae matter now, does it?” Gerard fought the urge to hurl the empty tankard at the wall. “Why the hell have ye set out to provoke me?”
“You have feelings for the lass,” Harrison went on. “You cannot convince me otherwise.”
“Aye, I care for her. I willnae deny it. If anything, that is all the more reason to stay away.”
Harrison shook his head. “You’re not making sense.”
“The hell I’m not.” Gerard pushed the tankard aside. He needed to keep his head about him. Damned if he’d become one of those sorry sots who sat about feeling morose about some woman. “I couldnae even protect her from that bastard Westbrook. I allowed a snake in our midst, and it nearly cost Evie and Sally their lives.” Turning to Harrison, he lowered his voice. “I buried one woman I loved. That was enough.”
“I never thought I’d live to see the day when my brash brother allowed fear to rule him.” Harrison stood and started to walk away. He turned back, giving his head a rueful shake. “I never once believed I’d see the day when my brother acted the coward.”
Harrison’s words cut like a dirk to the belly. Gerard roared to his feet. “What would ye know of fear? Ye’ve never felt pain that goes bone deep.”
“I know this, brother—if you do not get off your bloody arse and go after her, you’ll regret it ’til the end of your days.”
Lying on a lumpy mattress in the plain inn that would be his home for the night, Gerard folded an arm behind his head and stared at the ceiling.
Bluidy hell, he was a fool.
He knew better than to care for a woman…any woman. Making love and walking away the next morning was one thing. But loving a woman, heart and soul—was he strong enough to take that chance again? If Abby had loved someone else—a gentleman who paid more attention to his cravat than his ammunition, a man who didn’t carry a gun and a dagger—she’d likely be alive today. She’d be smiling and laughing, nurturing her lively children and enriching some lucky bastard’s life.
But she’d fallen in love with him. They’d taken their vows on a spring day…’til death do we part.
Abby’s death had gutted him.
Why did Harrison think his love for Evie would be any different?
He wanted Evelyn. He’d cherish her until the end of their days.
No, he didn’t want her. Want was too tame a word. He craved her with an intensity that left him shaken and questioning his resolve.
He loved her.
He knew that now. His longing for Evie was a potent madness, but he could not deny the truth.
He loved her.
Damned shame he wasn’t the man for her.
She deserved a gentleman who’d sit home reading the news by the hearth, not chasing relics and jewels around Britain.
She deserved a mate who didn’t have to worry about protecting her, a husband who lived a quiet, stable existence devoted to his woman and his bairns.
Not a man who had watched his first love die in his arms after a bullet had pierced her flesh—a shot fired by a bastard who’d intended to send Gerard to his grave.
He could not subject himself to the pain that had torn him apart all those years ago.
Never.
He would not take the chance of committing himself to another.
He would never again allow his heart to be vulnerable.
Staring at the ceiling, he pictured Evie’s smile, heard her soft laugh in his thoughts.
Did she long for him as he yearned for her?
Bugger it, this should not be so hard. Leaving her had been the best choice.
Blasted shame his heart did not agree.
He’d confronted criminals without flinching, cold-blooded bastards who wouldn’t have blinked before trying to send him to his grave. Yet now he lay alone, a scratchy blanket pulled over him in a cold, spartan bed, confronting an insidious fear that cut to the bone.
Hellfire and damnation, he was a coward. He’d turned away from Evie. She’d stirred emotions he had not felt in years, but he’d sacrificed the passion that had flared between them.
Fear had made him weak. He had not been able to face the possibility that someday, he might not be able to protect her—that he might lose her. Just as he’d lost Abby.
In his mind’s eye, he conjured her image. He’d never known a braver lass. She was clever. Independent. Beautiful.
And he’d cast her love aside.
He was a fool.
Loving Evelyn was a precious gift. If she cared for him in turn, how could he squander such a treasure?
If the day ever came when he lost her, he would be gutted. He knew that truth as surely as he drew breath.
But living without Evie was a hollow shell of an existence.
He’d face the risk of loss.
And he’d savor every moment they had together.
If she still wanted him, he would love her without reservation.
Without fear. Without hesitation. With a courage to match her own.
Now, the question was—how best to convince Evie to take another chance on loving him?
He’d embarked on many missions in his life.
Winning Evelyn for his own would be the most important quest of his life.