Chapter 17
Rafe saw Angelet’s eyes close as she nestled into place alongside him. She wore a beatific smile, and he felt a jolt of satisfaction, thinking he’d been the one to put that smile on her face.
Well, partly. In fact, Angelet had done quite a lot of the work all on her own, taking control of him in such an unexpected way that he honestly didn’t know what to think. He’d never had an encounter like that before. And he never would have suspected that the outwardly mild Angelet would be the sort of woman who could dominate a bedroom. Or him. But she did, with her tantalizing rules and restrictions. Right at the end, he lost it and broke the rule about not touching her. He couldn’t stop himself—he had to hold her while she was coming undone above him, triggering his own climax. Rafe wasn’t even sure she had noticed his hands on her body, on her hips as he spilled inside her.
Christ, he hadn’t intended to do that. As if he needed another complication in his already complicated life. Angelet had completely derailed his better intentions, and now there was a chance she’d have to pay for his failure.
Just one more person you hurt.
The thought soured his soul, displacing all the good feelings Angelet had just given him. Damn. Every time he thought he’d changed, he discovered he was the same heartless bastard he’d always been.
He’d have to get her somewhere safe as soon as possible, then get the hell away from her for her own good. And despite her seductive promise that next time he could touch her, Rafe knew that he’d already gone too far. He’d treated her as a woman, but Angelet was a lady. And despite what just happened between them, she was not his lady.
After a moment, he said, “I’ll take you to Wareham, and across to France, if we can find passage.”
Angelet’s eyes flew open. “What?”
“I said I’ll take you to Wareham.”
She gasped and tried to pull away. “I didn’t do this just to get you to agree to take me home!” But the way she looked made him suspicious.
“Wait. Did you agree to this because you thought I’d not take you home otherwise?” Rafe didn’t like the idea that she thought he could be tricked like that.
“No! Not quite.”
“Not quite?”
“It crossed my mind,” Angelet whispered. “And you didn’t say you’d take me before…this.”
“I didn’t say anything before because before all I could think about was you.”
“And now I’m off your mind?” She moved to get up.
“Stay, lovely.” He reached out to her, stopping her from scrambling off the bed. “You know that’s not true. And it’s not why I’m agreeing to take you.”
“It isn’t?” she asked, with narrowed eyes. But she remained on the bed, now sitting up to face him, her long hair drawn over one shoulder to partially cover her chest. She seemed remarkably comfortable in her nakedness.
“No.” Rafe struggled to explain what he assumed she would be overjoyed to hear. “The truth is that I’ve tried to think of any other safe place for you…and I can’t. You have a family, so you should be with them. I don’t care about the war, and I don’t care if it helps one side or hurts another. I’ve got no side. Not anymore.”
“But you once had a side,” she said, still not fully convinced. Lord, what was her objection? She was the one who offered to pay him to take her home!
“I served a lord who swore for King Stephen,” Rafe admitted. “So naturally I fought on Stephen’s side in the battles.”
“What changed?”
“I left that lord’s service.” He kept his voice cool. That was not a subject he wanted to discuss. “Since then, I’ve only fought for myself. And I only take orders when it suits me.”
“It suited you tonight?” Angelet asked, in a different voice.
He smiled at her. “Oh, yes. Even though it was not what I was expecting.”
“Was I too demanding?”
“You were perfect. And I think you enjoyed giving your demands.”
She looked thoughtful, then said, slowly, “Yes…but I wouldn’t want it to always be like that. Being in command is rather nerve-wracking.”
“Oh, that’s what was wracking your nerves?” He leaned forward and kissed her.
She kissed him back, her good humor evidently restored. “You know what I mean.”
“I do,” he agreed. “Honestly, I never did well with command. Even a few troops in a battle, scarcely enough for a squad…it was too much responsibility for me. My life now is much easier. No one expects anything from a free lance, bastard knight. I can do what I like. Feeding, fighting, and fucking.”
“You’ve never spoken so crudely before,” she said, though she didn't sound offended. What an unusual lady.
“You’re seeing my true nature,” Rafe said, imagining how fast she’d turn from him if she ever learned the whole truth about his unpleasant nature.
“Am I?” Angelet asked, unaware of his darker thoughts. “Or are you trying to convince me of that? That all you care about is feeding, fighting, and fucking?” The last word sounded strange in her soft voice.
“It is all I care about,” he insisted, remembering his mistake from earlier. “Though as for the fucking, I usually avoid the part where I make another bastard of my own. I suppose I can tell the child it was done on your orders, not that it absolves me in the least.”
She went still. “The child?”
“You do realize there’s a possibility you’ll bear our child.”
“No. You’ve no need to worry on that count. Not with me.” She sounded so certain, so clear that it snapped Rafe from his own turmoil.
“Why not? After all…”
“I cannot have another child.” She said it very quietly, without much emotion.
“Another?” Rafe heard the pain beneath her voice. “You had a child?”
“Yes. I was fourteen, less than a year married, and less than a month till I was to be a widow. The delivery was difficult.” She shook her head. Though she still sat up, her back straight, she now trembled a little. “I say difficult…it was devastating. I don’t remember much, praise Mary. But I am told that my son and I both nearly died. It was a hard labor, and my body not the right size for bearing. I bled and bled, even after the midwife got the baby free of me. He was blue, they said. Almost too long without air to breathe. Thank God he lived. My only child, and the only reason I was worth anything to Lord Otto. So long as I nursed the babe, Otto knew I was necessary. My baby would not take milk from any other woman, no matter how they tried to find one.”
“But who said you could never have another child?” Rafe asked.
“The midwife. She said I was lucky to have survived, and that never again would I ever even get with child, let alone bear it to term.”
“How could she know that?”
“The herbs she used to quell the bleeding. She said she’s used them before, and barrenness is the price. I lived to nurse Henry, but I would never be a mother again.” Angelet choked out the last words, her unnatural calm finally collapsing as she shared something he knew she’d kept secret for a very long time.
He reached for her, and she all but jumped into his arms. A little while ago, she’d been a confident, sensual woman, and now she was in tears, shaking with emotion and as fragile as he first assumed her to be.
He wasn’t good with crying women. He had no idea what to say or do. But it seemed natural to hold her until she’d cried herself out. The way she clung to him suggested that she needed support from someone, and he was the only available option. Poor Angelet.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered then. “I don’t mean to sob all over you. You’d think I’d be reconciled to it by now, but…”
A fresh bout of tears cut her words off, and Rafe just held her closer. “It’s nothing,” he said. Inane, but what could he say? That he didn’t mind her crying?
“I don’t mind,” he said out loud, realizing it was true. “No one is happy all the time.”
He stroked her head, marveling again at the light, almost silvery strands. He wondered if her son had her hair.
“Where is your son now?” he asked.
“He’s being fostered with another family that holds an alliance with Otto.” Angelet raised her head, and she looked a little more present than she had a moment ago. “Otto sent Henry there when he was only eight, and he did it partly to keep me biddable. He dangled a visit like bait. Whenever something happened that made me think I could change my life at all, there it was: Do you want to return home, or see your child again? Do you want to meet a new suitor, or keep your only boy?” Her tone turned harsh as she mimicked Otto’s questions. “He knew me. He knew I’d always bow down, because he had the one thing I loved most in the world.”
Rafe didn’t know what to say to that. He’d never loved anyone that much, or been loved that much.
“All I have of my boy is a lock of his hair,” Angelet whispered. “I look at it every day, instead of his face. How is that just? I told Otto whatever I had to tell him, just for the chance to get to see my Henry again.”
Rafe went utterly still. Her son didn’t have her hair—because it was her son’s lock of brown hair in that little box. Not her husband’s. He sighed, relief coursing through him. All this time, he had thought he was pushing Angelet to betray the memory of her first love. But it was her child she thought of, not her late husband.
“What is it?” Angelet was looking at him, having sensed his shift in mood.
“Nothing,” he said. “Just…hearing you speak of a child makes things clearer now.”
“Otto warned me not to tell you the truth before. If I told anyone that the nunnery wasn’t my choice, or if I revealed the true reason why I agreed to take vows, then he’d punish me by withholding access to Henry for the rest of my life. I couldn’t take that chance. Until chance threw everything aside with that attack that separated us from the rest.”
Rafe held her close, kissing her forehead. “I can see why you thought that way.”
“That’s not all,” she said, sounding nervous.
“Go on.”
“The family he’s living with is in Dorset.” Angelet looked nervous, and he understood why.
Rafe shook his head. “We’re not going to France, are we? You want to get your son back.”
She nodded.
“Do you have a plan for that, my lady? The family won’t just let you walk out the gate with him.”
“I hadn’t thought that far ahead.”
“Why did you lie about heading to Anjou? Why not just tell me?”
“Because I didn’t think you’d agree! And because I don’t have the means to pay you for anything. Well, there’s the moonstones. The necklace is worth something.”
“I don’t want your necklace.”
“You need to be paid. That’s why I mentioned my family. I’m certain they have the means to pay you…I just couldn’t be sure I’d ever actually reach Anjou if I tried to get Henry first. But I knew you’d tell me it was hopeless, or you wouldn’t take me anywhere at all—”
Rafe sighed. “Angelet. From now on, you need to tell me the truth. If you want to get your child back, we definitely need to devise some plan to do it safely. If we’re lucky, we can come up with something before we reach Dorset. And afterward…actually, we may have to cross the Channel. If you can reach your family, then both you and your son will be safe.”
Her eyes widened as he spoke. “You think that’s possible? We could all reach Anjou together?”
“It’s possible. But it will take some work.”
“You’re not angry that I lied to you?”
“I’ve no standing to take offense at anything you’ve done, Angelet.” He kissed her again. “Remember, I’m only here to serve you.”
“Oh, hush.” She gave a little laugh, tinged with sadness. “You make it sound as though I own you.”
“You do tonight.”
Rafe made her lie down again, and stretched out beside her on the bed.
She took a deep breath then let it out in a whoosh. “Oh, I don’t know what to do.”
“Then do nothing,” he said, laying a hand on her skin, feeling how perfectly smooth she was. “At least until tomorrow. We have some time to plan this out.”
He couldn’t seem to stop touching her, though at the moment, he was satisfied by running his fingers up and down the side of her body, from her shoulder down to her waist, over her hip, and down her thighs. Then he’d reverse course, and repeat.
“You’re so lovely,” he said quietly.
“I’d say you’re rather handsome yourself,” Angelet returned, “but I wouldn’t dare feed your pride.”
“Too late,” he said. “As we both know, I’m already as arrogant as they come.”
“It’s earned.” She tipped her head back, offering an invitation for another kiss. He took it, enjoying the sweetness of the gesture.
Then he found the place at her throat where her pulse beat and licked her skin. Her sigh was gold.
“Rafe,” she murmured. “Go on. With your tongue. Just like that.”
“As you command.”
Several moments later, she melted against him in an entirely new way, moaning his name, and he loved every moment.
In the morning, Rafe woke up to find Angelet curled up against him, her breathing slow and soft. For all the times he took a woman to bed, it was rare for him to wake up with one. And waking up to Angelet felt far better than waking up alone.
He almost kissed her, then drew himself up short. She wasn’t seeking affection from him, and the last thing he needed was to complicate a very simple arrangement with any suggestion that he wanted more from her than what she’d already offered.
Rafe was content with enjoying her in bed, and only in bed, and only for the short time they’d be together. Angelet was an intelligent woman, and though she wasn’t sure of her future, she obviously knew that permanently attaching herself to a bastard knight would do nothing for her own security. No, what she needed was to retrieve Henry, and then get safely to Anjou. After that, Rafe had no role in her life.
And he didn’t want any role. Rafe could go anywhere once he was on the continent. He could offer his professional services to any lord or king who could pay. Or hell, he could journey to all the great cities of the known world. In a few weeks, he’d deliver Angelet to her home, and he’d be free forever.
Beside him, Angelet stirred and stretched, then opened her eyes. When she smiled at him, Rafe momentarily lost his highly rational line of thought.
“Good morning,” she said.
“Morning, my lady.” As he spoke, he brushed some hair from her face. She would age well. Angelet would be as lovely in thirty years as she was now, with a head of silvery hair and those same clear green eyes. Too bad he wouldn’t be around to see it.
“What are you thinking?” she asked, looking at him curiously.
“Nothing,” he said, with an easy smile. “Nothing important. We should get moving. The faster we’re away from here, the safer you’ll be.”
She nodded, and her playful, sunny expression faded. “Do you think someone is still following us?”
“If someone is, let’s make their task more difficult.”